As I Am (22 page)

“What did you say to him?” I ask Cal as he walks past me.

“I told him you were out of his league.” I roll my eyes at Cal’s silliness. “I should know. You’re out of mine.”

I watch Cal walk through
the door and down the sidewalk. My heart flutters with excited anticipation to see him again tonight. Not the kind of heart-flipping excitement I felt when I was going to spend time with Miller, but the kind of happiness that fills your heart when you’re with a friend who seems to make everything better. Time has healed the wound between Cal and me and there’s not even a scar left behind.

I read for another twenty minutes and smile kindly at Jared as he and his friends leave. I don’t think he’ll be suggesting a study date anytime soon, thanks to Cal, which is fine by me.

When Marissa and Samantha arrive, they demand we immediately take a cab to the shopping district and spend more money than we should on things we don’t need. It sounds like a fun girls’ day out plan to me, so I take the last cold swig of my latte, and toss my book in my purse.

“I think I might actually buy something today,” I say as we walk into our fourth store.

“I’d just be happy if you’d try something on!” Marissa says as she pulls a silky top off the rack and holds it up against me. “I haven’t seen you try a single, solitary item on during any of our shopping trips!”

It’s true. We’ve been shopping five or six times and I have yet to pull anything off a r
ack. I have several new headbands and accessories, but no new pieces of clothing. In my teenage and adult life I’ve never been shopping – for-real-I’m-buying-new-clothes shopping – with anyone but Addy. I guess I’m nervous that I’ll pick out something that won’t look good on me.

What if I don’t remember the rules Addy taught me about
what I should look for in cut and shape and color? What if I try something on and Marissa and Samantha laugh at my lack of style?

I squeeze my eyes shut
and imagine a soundproof wall going up around my head as the chattering voices come marching at me. My heart begins to race so I take in a big breath and let it out, long and slow. I suppose I should have anticipated a moment when the perfection of my recovery would hit a snag.

You can do this. You’ve been doing great
, I tell myself.

“Are you ok
ay?” Samantha asks, her hand gently rubbing my arm.

It takes a moment, but I open my eyes and answer her. “I’m great. Thanks. You know what? I think I will try something on today. And I might even buy
it! I’m having dinner with a friend tonight, so a new outfit would be nice.”

“I thought you were having dinner with us tonight?” Marissa
fake pouts.

“Sorry. I ran into an old friend and he’s only here until tomorrow,” I tell them, browsing the racks.

“
He
? You mean you’ve got a date!” Samantha nudges me with a playful smile. “What happened to ‘sisters before misters’?”

“You did not just say ‘sisters before misters.’”

“Sorry.” Samantha pretends to hang her head in shame before laughing.

“
And it’s not a date. It’s … it’s my friend, Cal,” I say, looking at Marissa. Samantha doesn’t know who that is, but Marissa does. It wasn’t long after we got settled in as roommates that I was having a rough night. I was feeling heartbroken over Addy, and counting the days since I last saw Miller. I ended up telling her the whole story, and, like my Lake Hollis friends, Marissa joined Team Kinley.

“Oh, yeah
… it’s not a date. She and Cal are just friends,” Marissa explains to Samantha.

We wander the store for a few minutes, with nothing really jumping out at me. I’m scanning the wall of jeans when Marissa finds me.

“You okay?” she asks.

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?

“I thought seeing Cal may have stirred up some Miller stuff. You haven’t talked about him in a while so I thought maybe you were on your way to being over him,” she says.

“It stirred things, but not in a bad way. Seeing Cal today was actually good. It brought back all that crap from Lake Hollis, but it let me know that I was healing. When I looked at him, all I wanted to do was throw my arms around him and hug the crap out of him
… which I did,” I smile. “I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bring Miller back to the forefront of my mind. I wish I could say seeing Cal healed that part of my heart, but it didn’t. I’m not over him.”

“These things take time,” she says, putting her arm around me and resting her head on my shoulder.

“So I’ve heard.”

I try on two skirts
, one long and one short, and four tops. Marissa and Samantha loved everything on me, but helped me narrow it down to the long skirt and two of the tops, either of which I could wear with it. I leave the girls at four and take a cab back to our dorm thinking I might squeeze in a nap before Cal calls at six.

With my small bag in one hand and my keys in the other, I step off the elevator and round the corner onto my hall. There are cork boards with papers pinned to them and dry erase boards with cryptic
messages next to every door. It’s Saturday late afternoon, which is a hit or miss time for people in the hall. Either it’s super crowded, or it’s a ghost town. Ghost town it is as paper messages and flyers for IT help or tutoring flip up in the breeze my walk down the hall stirs.

I hang my new clothes up in my closet and look at them. Do I like them? Yes, yes, I do. I love the color and the shape of the skirt, and I like how both of the tops look on me. Would Addy approve? I think she would, but
… “Stop it, Kinley,” I say out loud to myself. “It doesn’t matter what Kinley thinks. I have nothing to prove and only one to please.”

Cal calls exactly at six and says he’ll pick me up at seven. I give him the address and tell him I’ll wait outside. There’s no need for him to spend the extra money just to hold a cab while he comes up to my room to get me.

At five minutes to seven I exit my building wearing my new maxi skirt and my favorite of the two tops I bought, and a pair of wedge sandals. My long hair whips in the wind and I’m grateful for the length of this skirt. It would be disastrous for it to come flying up just as Cal’s cab pulled up to the curb.

Tucking my hair behind my ear I step closer to the curb so that Cal can see me right away. But before I make it two steps the door of a Towne Car limousine opens and Cal steps out.

“What is this?” I ask in shock.

“
It belongs to the company I’ve been consulting. This guy has been driving me everywhere for three days,” he laughs as he gestures to the car. “When I told them I was having dinner with a friend tonight they insisted I have him drive us. Is it weird?” he asks, wrinkling his nose.

I smile big, having never been in any kind of limo before. “No! It’s not weird! You may be used to this kind of treatment, but I’m not. And I’m not above climbing in and saying something terrible like, ‘Home, James!’”

“Great! Get in!” he commands. We’re both still laughing when he closes the door behind him. The driver pulls away from the curb and mixes in with the scary traffic. “You look great, by the way.”

“Thank you! I ended up going shopping this afternoon,” I tell him, smoothing out the skirt on my lap.

“You seem different,” Cal says. He tilts his head as he looks at me, like he’s trying to figure something out.

“Is it a
good
different?” I ask.

“Yeah. I could tell when I saw you at the coffee shop today. The way you jumped up when you saw me
, I was so happy that you responded that way, but the fact that you did it at all … You just seem so much more comfortable in your own skin.”

“I
am. It’s amazing what an Addison detox will do for you.” I shake my head, as I usually do whenever I consider the years I spent trapped inside her chatterbox.

“Well, whatever it is
… it looks good on you.” Cal smiles and we make small talk on the way to the restaurant. I’m glad he doesn’t try to engage me in talking about Addy. I’ll get there with her. I don’t know when, but I will.

We eat dinner at a wonderful French restaurant and spend the time catching up on
life. Cal is still being courted by firms across the country, but hasn’t made a decision on where he’ll land. I suggested he strongly consider the firm he’s been with this week, but he says he’s still leaning toward the start-up in Seattle.

He also tells me that he told his father about what was happening with The League.

“What did he say?” I ask, surprised and impressed that Cal made such a brave move.

“He was upset that I didn’t tell him years ago. He felt like he could have done something to protect me
… to protect Kara. But I gave him the journal and he’s already got the council ceasing all new memberships and forbidding anyone from going to Lake Hollis until everything is resolved,” he explains.

“That’s great, Cal,” I say, encouraging him in the decision he made to expose the downward spiral The League was headed in.

“He also had his lawyer look into the statute of limitations on sexual assault. It ended up not mattering since Kara is … gone … It would be my word against Kyle’s. The icing on the cake, though, is that Kyle is currently serving time for assaulting and raping a girl last year.”

“Oh my gosh! That’s terrible and wonderful at the same time. You should tell Miller. He’d be glad to know that Kyle isn’t roaming the streets.”

“Yeah. I’ll try to do that.” Cal makes a tight-lipped expression and nods.

We’re quiet for a few moments while we eat before I do what I can to move us into a substantially lighter conversation.
I tell Cal about upgrading my camera and how it’s made all the difference in the world in the quality of my work. Between family sessions, headshots for aspiring performers, and my own work that’s being featured and sold around town, I’ve got enough work to keep me busy for months.

“Are you still planning on traveling with you mom?” Cal asks, holding the
restaurant door open for me as we step out into the breezy night.

“Um
… to be honest … I don’t know,” I tell him.

“Wow. I was expecting to hear a newly developed plan and timeframe.” Cal raises his eyes in surprise.

“There was a time I would have thought that would be my answer, too. I used to think I had this wanderlust. But now I think that … maybe I was just looking for an escape. Things at home have been lonely since Mom left. Once she was gone, I didn’t have anyone. My dad is one of those dads who thinks he’s supposed to be completely inept when it comes to raising daughters, so he doesn’t ever take the time to understand what’s going on. He’s left that up to my stepmother who doesn’t know what to do with me, and thinks that Addison hung the moon.

“But these last few months of being on my own, apart from Addy, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I found out that I’m braver than I thought I was, and I’m not afraid to be alone. In fact, I’d rather be alone than surrounded by people who make me feel lonely
, which is how I felt whenever I was with Addy and her friends. They live in this world that I just don’t get, so I always felt so isolated.” I sigh, realizing I’ve been monopolizing the conversation with the recap of my personal epiphany. “I’m sorry. This is … You don’t need to hear about my revelations. We don’t have that much time and I don’t want to bore you with the drama of my life.”

Cal offers his arm to me and I loop mine through it
as we continue to walk. ”Kinley, this is what friendship is. I couldn’t be happier that you’re talking up a storm about this to me. Three months ago I wasn’t sure if you were ever going to talk to me again. I’m here for you, no matter what.”

“
Thanks. That means a lot to me,” I tell Cal as I lean my head against his arm. We walk for another minute before Cal speaks again.

“So
, as your friend … I have to ask.” Cal stops us and steps in front of me so he’s facing me. I look up at him, wondering what he’s doing. “Why haven’t you gone after Miller?”

“Oh, Cal, really
…”

“Seriously, Kinley.
” Cal’s eyes pierce mine with a convicting glare. “You’re crazy about him. He’s crazy about you. What’s the problem?”

“He’s going through a lot right now. I care about him enough to give him the space he needs,” I say as convincingly as I can.

“I’m not diminishing what happened, but he left impulsively. And you know what? I think he regrets it and doesn’t think he can fix it.” Cal is passionate in his delivery.

“Why would he regret it?” I ask quietly.

“I know you’re new to this whole seeing yourself as you really are thing, but, seriously, Kinley … any guy who would walk away from something with you is going to regret it. Trust me. Hindsight is twenty-twenty,” he says with a heavy sigh. “If you’re really as brave as you say you are, I think you should take a chance and go get him. Just … get on the next plane out and go tell him how you feel!”

“What if he doesn’t want me anymore? What if he’s moved on?” I wonder aloud. I may have a new found bravery, but I don’t think I could take that kind of heartbreak.