Atheism For Dummies (For Dummies (Religion & Spirituality)) (94 page)

A religious funeral is a mix of remembering a life and anticipating an afterlife. The funeral of an atheist doesn’t have to pretend that death is just a doorway into the next room, so there’s a greater focus on celebrating and reflecting on a life and how very much it matters that the person whose life has ended was here in the first place. The act of taking stock of the extraordinary ripples that one life leaves behind is a powerful reminder to the survivors of how much their own lives matter to those around them.

Like their religious counterparts, humanist funerals usually include music — John Lennon’s “Imagine” is a favorite — readings, rituals, and remembrances by close friends and family.

Humanist funerals can tap a very different set of inspirations and reflections. Many include readings that touch on the human connection to the physical universe, the fact that every atom in the person’s body has existed since the beginning of the universe, passing through and being transformed by countless stars, then ending up on Earth, in stones, rivers, plants, animals and people, before coming together, momentarily, to form this unique person and this unique life. Now that this life is over, those atoms go back into the Earth to build other plants and animals, other people, and eventually other planets and stars, until the end of time. It’s one kind of eternal life — perhaps not what religious minds imagine, but in its way no less poetic or powerful.

Everyone should make their wishes known before they die to spare the uncertainty and guilt of loved ones about the choices they make for the funeral. This is especially important for anyone who isn’t traditionally religious. I can hear my atheist friends now — “Hey, what do I care, I’ll be dead and gone!” News flash to them:
Your funeral is not about you.
You’ll be dead. And it’s not even about sending a “message to the world” about dying without illusions. It’s about the loved ones you’ll leave behind.

When a person with a fairly conventional religious identity dies, the family has to make plenty of decisions, but those decisions mostly involve coloring within existing lines —
which
hymns will be sung,
which
Bible verses will be said,
which
church cemetery will receive the remains. If you aren’t part of that defined tradition, your death can leave your family utterly without lines and uncertain even of which colors to reach for. They want to honor your wishes, but they don’t know how, and you’ll have thrown them into this time-sensitive situation in the midst of their grief. Guilt and confusion aren’t helpful additives to grief. So I always encourage atheists to make their intentions crystal clear — even if it just means saying, “I really, truly don’t care what you do. Whatever seems right to you is fine.”

As with other ceremonies, humanist celebrants are available to help plan and carry out humanist funerals in every North American state and province and in several European countries. Just search online for “humanist celebrant.”

Counseling and Support without Religion

Religious institutions have long undertaken the task of counseling people in desperate need, rarely allowing a lack of qualification or credentials to dissuade them from the adventure. Sometimes the results are effective; sometimes (celibate priests as marriage counselors, for example) not. Treatment of addiction and grief counseling are two areas that have been dominated by religious language and approaches. Both are arguably effective for believers. This section introduces attempts to treat addiction and counsel grief and loss without appeals to a higher power.

Kicking bad habits without a “higher power”

Many alcohol and drug addiction recovery programs start with a nonnegotiable requirement — to enter the program and to get well, you must recognize a higher power. Six of the Twelve Steps of recovery published by Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) refer to God — “turn our will and our lives over to God,” “admit to God,” “humbly ask God,” “pray for knowledge of God’s will,” and so on.

If God (or a “higher power”) is essential for recovery, what’s an addicted atheist to do?

Even though AA works for many people, there’s been a strong backlash against the Twelve-Step method in recent years, including its claims that an alcoholic is “never cured, always recovering” and the language of religious submission, which many say replaces one kind of dependency with another. Organizations like Rational Recovery, SMART Recovery, and Secular Organizations for Sobriety have pioneered effective treatments for alcohol and substance abuse that don’t require one to claim belief in a higher power.

A service called the Secular Therapist Project (
www.seculartherapy.org
) was recently launched to help nontheistic people find therapists of all kinds who share their secular worldview.

Consoling those who grieve

When consoling survivors after the death of a loved one, religion has a definite advantage — assuming the survivors have bought the idea of an afterlife. Nonbelievers feel that the most mature, honest, and respectful way to encounter death is by acknowledging that it really is the end of their individual existence, as much they might prefer otherwise, and by consoling those who grieve with love and human compassion.

You don’t have to be an atheist to console an atheist. But if you believe in an afterlife, know that it’s
extremely
disrespectful to try to nudge him or her toward belief as a way of coping, or to say a loss was part of God’s plan, or to suggest that someone who died is “in a better place.” No matter how kind the intentions, it ends up saying, “Your beliefs are hopelessly inadequate, so here are mine.” You’ll only add anger and resentment to the grief, which is unkind. In fact, many atheists point to the intrusion of religious beliefs into their grieving process as one of the most challenging and painful parts of the loss of a loved one.

Most important, it’s simply not true that belief in an afterlife is necessary to navigate grief. You can draw entirely on these natural resources and techniques:

Be compassionate toward others.

Validate the person’s sadness, and don’t try to push them through it too quickly.

Be present and supportive without intruding.

Ask what you can do, or better yet, just do it.

Make a meal, send a card, or give a hug.