Athica Lane: The Carpino Series (26 page)

I look down at my son who isn’t happy to see her drive away, probably looking as confused as me right now.   I put a hand to his head and ruffle his hair that’s the same color as mine and try to smile, “She’s got to get some stuff done and catch up on work.”

This excuse settles as well with him as it did me and he frowns deeper, “Really?”

I ignore his question like any parent would who doesn’t know the answer and say, “Come on, let’s get our stuff inside.”

And with a fucking pit in my stomach, we move to the back of the car.

*****

I shouldn’t have come here—I should go to his house.  But I’m a big, fat chicken and can’t help it.  If I approach him here, I can get out quick if I need to. 

I made myself leave him last night when we got back from Texas.  I couldn’t stay and pretend nothing was wrong, not that I was doing a good job pretending.  I cried all the way to my apartment.  Then I took a shower in a shower I haven’t showered in for weeks before I went straight to bed.  A bed I haven’t slept in since the night Cam forced his way into my life and we slept together for the first time. 

I couldn’t take it so I got up and went to my sofa.  

Cam called me twice and I never answered.  I know it’s childish, but I’m being a big, fat chicken.  I texted him, explained I was working and I’d call him in the morning.  He was his normal curt self over text, but it came across sweet when he said he wasn’t happy I left and if it weren’t for his kids, he’d come to me.  Then he said if he didn’t hear from me first thing in the morning he was going to find me and “figure out what the fuck was going on in my head.” 

I think it was his longest text ever, even if it was curt.  This made me weepy all over again.  I really need to pull myself together.

Then I started my period and had real cramps instead of the fake cramps I’d been complaining about for a whole day.  Serves me right for being a liar and a big, fat chicken. 

I finally fell asleep on the sofa, but tossed and turned all night.

When I could sleep no more, I got up and got myself ready.  I knew he would be here and I need to know.  I need to know so badly.  At the same time, I want to ignore it and go back to living in the clouds, pretending everything will end the way I want.  The way I’ve dreamed of it ending.  Happy and perfect.  But I’m afraid his answer will give me the ending I’m scared of.

It’s pulling at me, back and forth. I can’t take it.  I’ve decided I have to know.

I park at The Shed and see Zeke outside with my old boot camp group and he calls to me with his big white smile, “Hey girl.  You coming back to boot camp?”

“No.  Is Cam inside?” I ask.

“You’re a heart-breaker.  I think he’s in his office,” he keeps smiling.

I barely offer him a grin because my stomach’s turning and my heart’s pounding.

There’s the normal ass-kicking, bats swinging and exercising echoing through the big warehouse when I walk in.  I look to the office and see him standing behind his desk looking down at some papers.  My stomach flip-flops and I make my feet walk through the door, shutting it behind me to close out the noise.

Surprised, he looks up and I see something wash over his face.  The tension instantly leaving his body. 

“Hey,” he breathes, almost relieved.

I try and smile, but I know it’s lame and tired.  He starts to move around his desk to me when I say, “Wait.  I need to ask you something.”

He stops where he is and frowns, “Baby, what’s wrong?  I was worried about you all night.  I almost got Sophia to come stay with the kids so I could come to you, but I knew you wouldn’t want her in your business.”

“You said something,” I ignore him, needing to get it out, wanting it, but afraid of what I’m asking for.  “You said it like it was a fact, like there was nothing to think about.  You said it like you knew it down to your bones, like it’s as simple as the sky is blue or two and two make four.”

Frowning, he starts to move to me again but I put my hand up to stop him.  He implores, “Paige, what are you talking about?”

“You don’t want any more kids,” I spit it out.

His frown instantly disappears and his face turns blank.

Well.  There it is.

And my stomach drops to the floor.

“I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to say it like that. I meant to ask it, but I think you just gave me your answer,” I whisper, taking a step back.

I see him pull in a deep breath and he puts a palm up to me, saying in a controlled voice, “We need to talk about this.”

“It’s the only thing I want,” I say, not able to control my shaking voice.

“Baby, let’s talk about this somewhere else,” he takes another step toward me, making me take another back, hitting the door.

Not able to control my voice or the tears welling in my eyes any longer, I go on, “It’s the only thing I want more than you.”

It’s his turn to take a step back.

I feel my tears fall and keep going, “And I want you so badly.”

“Paige – ” he tries, but I interrupt.

“I see it, clear as day.  A life with you.  With Jordy and Cara.  But I see more.”

“Baby, let me take you home so we can talk about this,” he pleads.

“I shouldn’t have to give up what I want because of her,” I say, my tears quietly running down my cheeks.

He flinches and his eyes narrow on me, whispering, “What?”

“I’m not her,” I blurt out.

I see his chest rise with his labored breaths and his voice turns hard, “I know you’re not her.”

“I would never do to you what she did,” I say before I know what I’m saying.

His voice turns as hard as his face and he bites out, “Excuse me?”

“That’s not me, I’d never give you babies and leave you to it.  I’d never be dishonest.  I’d
never
cheat on you.”

“How do you know about that?  I told you I never wanted to speak to you about her,” he seethes.

I wipe my face and say, “Your mom told me, but she didn’t know I didn’t know, but now I know.  Please don’t make me pay for what she did.  I want you and Jordy and Cara, but I want to have kids.  I want it more than anything.  I won’t give that up because of her.”

Cam stands stock still and stares at me, working his jaw.

“Please,” I whisper so softly I can barely hear myself. 

He slowly closes his eyes and drops his head.

“Cam?” I call for him one more time.

He doesn’t look up but he does shake his head.

Oh shit.  That’s it.

That’s it
. 

I reach back to find the doorknob, and as quick as I can with my eyes to the ground, I escape, leaving with the answer I was so afraid of.

Wednesday - 9:17 am

I bang on her door. 

Really, I’ve gone through all my options in my hazy brain, this is the best I could come up with.

I can’t go to Sophia.  She’s the queen of the blabbermouths and everyone would know everything in about two point eight seconds.  Not to mention she’s Cam’s neighbor and I don’t want to be anywhere near Athica Lane. 

I can’t go to Leigh, even though it’s her day off.  She would tell Tony and I don’t need my big brother tearing down Cam’s door.  As much as Tony and I annoy each other, he loves me and I know he’d pull himself away from anything if he thought someone hurt me.  It doesn’t matter how devastated I am, I don’t want Tony tearing down Cam’s door. 

I can’t go to Gabby.  She might not be the queen of the blabbermouths, but she’d tell Jude right before she’d tell Leigh and they’d both tell Tony.  I’d be right back to where I started.  I might spot myself an hour, but that’s it. 

I can’t go to my mom.  She’d go all “mom” on me and even if I am distraught, I don’t want my parents to hate Cam.

I briefly thought about going to Rosa, but in the end I’m afraid she’d throw it in my face that I didn’t keep my legs together and my mind on Jesus. 

I really need new friends.

So here I am and I pound on the door again.  She and I aren’t close.  We’re nothing alike and she normally doesn’t have patience for me.  But right now, she’s my best bet. 

The door finally swings open and my older sister, Charlotte, stands there, clearly shocked to see me and frowns, “What’s wrong with you?”

“Please don’t tell anyone I’m here,” I sniff.

“What’s wrong?” she asks again and moves out of the doorway as I move in.  “Have you been crying?”

“Can I hang out here for a while?” I ignore her question.  “I want to be by myself and don’t know where else to go.  I can’t handle anyone right now.”

She follows me in and looks down to me as I sink into her sofa, “I thought you were in Texas?  Mom said you went to meet Cam’s family.”

I look up and can’t help the tears welling up in my eyes again from the mention of him.

“Oh shit,” she mumbles and crosses her arms, probably at a loss for words.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say and feel my tears fall.

My sister looks down on me, probably pondering what to do.  She finally sighs, “I was going to take the kids to the library today.  We’ll go now, run some errands and leave you alone.  I’ll do my best to keep everyone out of your hair for as long as I can.  That’s the best I can do.”

I look at my sister who’s pragmatic, non-dramatic and rational.  Basically, she’s nothing like me.  But I knew she’d give me what I needed so I whisper, “Thank you.”

She gives me a small smile that really means she feels sorry for me before walking away.  A few minutes later, she’s rounded up Madelyn and Cole, and after the kids attack me with hugs and kisses, she herds them out of the house.  Before leaving, she turns and says, “We’ll be back after lunch for Cole’s nap.  Call if you need anything.”

I give her a nod, but before throwing myself on her sofa to wallow away, I dig in my purse.  Finding my cell, I decide to stick with being a big, fat chicken and power it down.  I don’t want to talk to anyone. 

*****

Wednesday - 4:43 pm

I hear her come out from the kitchen where she’s been banging around.  She hates to cook.  Just one more way we couldn’t be more different. 

I’m sitting in her family room, facing backwards in a chair watching my niece and nephew run around the small backyard.  Just as she promised, they got back after lunch and put Cole down for a nap.  Madelyn is six and Cole is three.  I listened to Charlotte and Maddie read and then play a board game before Charlotte finally caved and let her watch TV.  But they left me to myself, proving I chose well when I came to Charlotte.

“There’s a group text,” Charlotte announces. 

Shit.

“I haven’t answered, I think it’s only a matter of time,” she adds.

I turn away from the window and look at her.

“They say he’s looking for you and it’s made them all curious, so now they’re all looking for you,” she finishes.

Damn.

I look back to the window.

“Paige?” she calls for me.

“I’ve never told you how happy I am for you, Charlotte,” I say looking out the window.

“What?” she asks confused.

I sigh, “I’m happier for you than I am for anyone.  You had to fight for what you wanted.  You and Vic.  I can’t even imagine how hard it was or what you went through.”

“What are you talking about?” she asks.

I tear my eyes away from the window and find her confused.  She and Vic tried to have kids for a long time when she found out she had endometriosis.  After Charlotte went through all kinds of treatments for her endometriosis and infertility, they decided to bite the bullet and try in vitro fertilization.  IVF is expensive, so expensive they sold their house, bought this smaller one and even had to pull money out of Vic’s retirement.  It was years of medical procedures and none of them were easy on her body.  But she never complained, even when everyone around her was having babies the easy way.  But now they have Maddie and Cole, the family they wanted. 

I look back out to her test tube babies, the miracles of God and modern medicine working together, and say, “The kids.  You never gave up on what you wanted.  You went through hell getting them when it came easy to everyone else.  You have what you want and I’m happier for you than I am anyone because of what you went through to get them.”

I don’t look back, but I do hear her sigh.  Then I feel her kiss the top of my head and ask softly, “You staying for dinner?”

“I’m not hungry, but can I stay?” I ask back.

“Sure.”

I finally look up, “I’m tired.  Can I go lie down?”

“Of course, go to Maddie’s room.  I’ll keep the kids out of your hair,” she says with a hesitant smile.

I get up and walk my way to my niece’s room.  I need to close my eyes, I’m tired of thinking.  I don’t want to think about Cam and what I want.  I really don’t want to think about what he doesn’t want.  I’m just plain tired. 

*****

Wednesday - 7:51 pm

“He showed up on my doorstep this afternoon looking for her again.  He didn’t say anything else, but he didn’t look mad this time.  I don’t know what he looked like, but it wasn’t mad.  Why didn’t you tell us she’s been here all day?” I open my eyes and hear Sophia talking in a low voice outside the door.  The light in the room is barely coming through the windows.  I fell asleep, it must be late evening.

“She told me she wanted to be by herself, Soph.  What’s wrong with that?” Charlotte defends me.

“All right, it doesn’t matter,” I hear Gabby butt in.  Why in the hell is Gabby here?  “Did she say anything?  Did something happen on their trip?  She’s been so happy—something had to have happened.”

The next thing I know, I hear Leigh, “I agree.  I’ve never seen her this happy.  Something big happened.”

They’re all here?  Why can’t I wallow in peace without everyone butting in my business?

But I cringe when I hear my brother growl, “I can’t believe you didn’t call anyone when she showed up crying.”

I hear Charlotte’s voice rise, “She’s an adult.  If she wants to be by herself, she should be able to be by herself.  You all need to quit treating her like a child.”

“Move,” I hear Tony say.  “I want to see her.”

“No,” Charlotte bites, the whole exchange getting louder. 

I groan into Maddie’s pillow and pull her princess blanket over my head.  I hear a scuffle and I’m not surprised when the door bursts open.  When I peek, Tony’s standing there with my sisters, Gabby and Leigh looking in from behind.  He takes another step in and shuts them out as I hear Sophia let out a little, “Hey!”

He doesn’t pay her any mind as I watch him walk to me and sit on the side of the bed.  He doesn’t say a thing, but leans his elbows down to his knees and looks at me.

“Please go away,” I say, my voice small.

He stays silent, but shakes his head.

I roll my eyes.  Of course he won’t go.

“He didn’t do anything to me.  There’s no reason to go all Rambo Big Brother on him,” I explain.

“Doesn’t look like he didn’t do anything to you,” he says.

“He didn’t,” I insist.

“Then why are you hiding?” he asks.

I frown, “I’m not hiding.”

He raises his eyebrows, telling me I’m full of shit.  Well, I disagree.  I’d like to think of it as ignoring as opposed to hiding. 

“What happened,” he demands.

“Nothing,” I insist.  “We realized we have a differing opinion on something important.  Really important.  I don’t think either of us is going to change our minds.  I know I’m not.”

“About what?” his brows furrow, not understanding.

I shake my head.

“Can’t you work it out?” he keeps on.

“This is not about compromise, Tony.  This is an all-in or all-out decision.  I’ve decided I’m not bending and I won’t,” I say.

“You’re so hard-headed,” Tony starts.  “You’ve never been with anyone.  Maybe it’s time you should bend.  Learn to compromise.”

“Absolutely not,” I insist, and quite frankly, a little pissed.  Tony has no idea what I’m talking about.  It’s not like we’re trying to decide between skim and two percent milk here. 

“Paige, that’s what you do in a relationship,” he keeps on.

“You don’t even know what I’m talking about,” I say, sitting up to better argue with him.

“Listen – ” he starts.

“He doesn’t want any more kids,” I blurt.

Tony jerks his head back and asks, “Really?”

“Yes.  You see, there’s no compromise,” I start.  “I want him, but I won’t give that up.  He made a comment at his parents’ house that made me think this was true, I confirmed it this morning.  Unfortunately, I was right.”

He sighs and looks at me for a beat before he pulls me into his arms and whispers into the top of my head, “I get it now.”

And damn if my brother giving me a hug doesn’t make me cry.  I’m sick of crying.

“You know this for sure?” he asks into the top of my head.

“Almost for sure,” I muffle into his shirt.

He pulls me away from him with his hands on my shoulders and looks me in the eyes, “You make sure.  Don’t be stupid and assume anything.”

“I know,” I say, wiping my face for the millionth time today. 

“You want to stay with us?” he asks.

I shake my head, “I’m good here.”

“Call if you need anything.  Everyone’s worried about you,” he says.

“I’m sorry,” I say, blowing my nose.

“I’ll tell them to leave you alone for the night,” he grins.

I don’t have the wherewithal to grin back so I turn to lie down, hoping I can go back to sleep.

Once Tony leaves me to my princess room, I hear murmurings from the females before Tony shuts the door.  They must have moved out of the hallway because I can’t hear them anymore, going somewhere else to talk about me. 

I roll over and close my eyes, praying to find sleep.

*****

Thursday - 8:05 am

I don’t know how, but I slept better than the night before.  Being exhausted helped.  I’m up and showered, wearing fresh clothes of Charlotte’s that are a little too big, but still comfortable. 

Charlotte is getting the kids around, Vic’s gone to work and I just poured myself a cup of coffee.  I woke up and decided I’m done being a big, fat chicken.  I can’t lay around my sister’s house forever.  It’s time I go back to my apartment and focus on work.  Just when I’m trying to work out my plan, I hear the doorbell.

Charlotte, who’s cleaning up her kitchen from breakfast, mutters as she moves toward the front door, “Who could that be so early?”

I take my coffee and sit at her kitchen table when I hear Charlotte call, “Paige?”

I turn in my chair and see him.  Cam is here, standing behind Charlotte.  It’s been twenty-four hours since I’ve seen him—he looks bigger in Charlotte’s kitchen.  The last day has seemed to drag on and on, as if time is standing still.  He looks good, but he looks different.  His blue eyes are guarded today and I don’t like it.

“The kids and I’ll go outside and let you be alone,” Charlotte says, I guess to both of us, but I wouldn’t know because I can’t take my eyes off him. 

She leaves and Cam moves close, pulling out a chair at the table.  He sits facing my side and leans down with his elbows to his knees.  I cringe when he rubs his face roughly the way I’ve come to learn is a habit when he’s stressed.  I look at my coffee and, as the many moments pass, I find it painful to be this close without touching him.

Breaking the silence, I decide to say what I planned to say, “I shouldn’t have come to The Shed yesterday.  It wasn’t the time or place.  I’m sorry.”