Autumn's Kiss (17 page)

Volunteering is actually fun. I mean, yes, a retirement home is completely high school all over again, except without the promise of getting out and moving on to something better. There are cliques, lots of stupid fights, nasty rumors…but I think a lot of that comes from boredom. When they have stuff to do, most of the residents just let loose and enjoy.

My time slot is after dinner, which means 5:30. I have the time between school and then to set up. The night before a shift, the manager, Liza, always emails me the activity I'll be running, so I come in ready to go. I call bingo, I deal blackjack, I put in the aerobics tapes…then after the first week I suggest ideas of my own, and Liza's totally up for them. Instead of
The Great Gatsby,
she lets me read them
The Hunger Games,
and they're all hooked from page one. Another day I set up a karaoke machine, and then one afternoon I convince my school's art department to donate some clay and a spinning wheel so Eddy can teach everyone how to make pots. She was a potter back in Cuba—actually a professional potter—and I can tell it makes her feel alive to be back behind a wheel. I promise myself I'll save up some allowance so I can buy her a pottery wheel of her own.

Anyway, including my cleanup time, I'm at the Acres—yeah, that's what those of us who are “in” call it—until around seven, at which point I call Mom and she picks me up and I dive hard-core into homework…which honestly takes me until midnight; then I go to sleep and start all over again the next day. Weekends I give a couple hours to Catches Falls and a couple hours to the Acres, and the rest of the time I need to finish up all the work I can't get to during the week.

It's a tough schedule! But it's great for a million reasons. Yes, the J.J. thing, of course, but the truth is I've never been better than a B, B– student. After only the first week, every single one of my teachers came up to me to say they've noticed my hard work, they're excited about it, and they think if I keep it up, I can get my grades up to As. When I tell that to Reenzie at lunch about a week into my new schedule, I think she's even more excited for me than my mom is.

“And that makes two of us with exciting news,” she says coyly. Then she leans in closer to the group. “Sean and I are going out.”

The entire world stops. I'm leaning against J.J., and I can feel his body stiffen around me, wondering how I'll react. Jack's looking at me like he's inspecting me. Only Taylor's attention is on Reenzie.

“That's so fantastic!” Taylor squeals.

“Totally not a surprise,” I say, and I even surprise myself with how calm I sound. “I mean, the two of you…”

“You called it, Autumn,” Reenzie says. “You knew even before I did, remember?”

She's talking about my “feeling” that she and Sean were together in Pensacola. I feel my fists clenching and pulling up grass, but I force them to relax. I smile even wider.

“Yeah, well, you know,” I say, “I guess now we're both with the right guys for us.”

Does my voice sound as stretched and tinny to everyone else as it does inside my head? I hope not. Just to make sure, I turn my head and give J.J. a kiss. When I turn back around, Jack's eyes have narrowed. What is up with him?

After that day, Sean goes back to having lunch with us. He seems to have no problem making eye contact with me now that he's completely entangled with Reenzie. And when he does look at me…there's nothing there. No longing, no anger, just…blandness. I'm just another person to him.

After that I stop joining everyone for lunch. I hate to do it so quickly after the Sean-and-Reenzie news because I don't want it to be obvious that's why I can't hang, but I just can't. The good thing is that the semester is about to end and finals are coming up, so I have very good reasons to spend lunch in the library with a Quest Bar.

Additional Perk: less J.J. cuddle time. And less time with Jack, who I swear is starting to give me the evil eye whenever I see him. It's the same way he looks at Carrie Amernick sometimes, and I wonder if Jack is actually obsessed with Carrie because he wants to date her or because he's upset that when she and J.J. were together, she was taking away J.J's friend time. If that's the case, he shouldn't be upset with me at all. I'm giving J.J. plenty of friend time.

Honestly, I'm feeling so good about things I wonder if I couldn't use this experience as a slam-dunk college essay. “How I Protected My Best Friend's Feelings, Brought Joy to the Elderly, and Skyrocketed My College Transcript, All While Saving Myself from a Broken Heart.” I think it's brilliant. I'm even composing it in my head one night while I'm leaving Century Acres.

I'm in my third week volunteering. There are just a few days left until Christmas break—which I still haven't figured out how I'll handle, but I'm confident I'll come up with a fabulous plan—and I'm heading out after a particularly awesome social media tutorial session. I helped a bunch of the residents use the computer room—which is amazing but nearly always empty—to set up Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest accounts. Most of them are a little freaked out by the technology, but when I show them how they can use the accounts to follow—and therefore spy on—their kids and grandkids, they're totally psyched. Unfortunately, Eddy takes the class, so now I'll have to watch what I pin and tweet.

I'm walking out the door and am about to call my mom for a pickup when I nearly slam into Taylor.

I'm surprised to see her. The play goes up in just a couple days, and they're in dress rehearsals every night. She still has her hair pinned up like Sarah Brown, and she's wearing all her stage makeup.

She looks furious. I can't imagine what she's doing here. As far as I know, she'd only be here to see me, but why?

“Hey!” I say. “Are you okay? Did something go wrong at rehearsal?”

“
Very
wrong,” she says. “Leo broke up with me.”

Unbelievable. He was crazy about Taylor—he couldn't keep their relationship up
at all
without my help?

“Wow,” I say. “I'm really sorry.”

“You want to know
why
he broke up with me?” Her face twists with even more fury, and I get a bad feeling I know exactly why.

Leo had told her everything. How I fed him things to say so they'd seem right for each other. He'd even shown her my texts, which he swore he'd delete. He'd told her he was totally crazy about her and really wanted to be her boyfriend, but it was too hard turning himself inside out to be the kind of guy she'd like. He'd wanted to stay together, but only if he could just be himself.

“And you know what I told him?” she asked. Her face burned bright red even through the stage makeup.

“No?” I asked.

“No!” she wailed. “I said yes! That's how much I like him! So we went for a walk outside the theater to talk…and said
nothing
for a half hour!”

“Wow,” I said. “Nothing?”

“Nothing that went anywhere. ‘So how did you like today's run-through?' I asked. ‘I'm actually kind of
sick
of talking about the show,' he said. ‘Okay,' I said, ‘Well I looked into some more theater schools. Can I talk to you about them?' ‘Actually,' he said, ‘I think it's really dumb to go to theater school because it totally limits your options'!”

“Ooooh.” I wince. “I told him not to tell you that.”

“What is wrong with you?!” she yelled. “Why did you Cyrano me?”

I have no idea what she's saying. “Why did I…what?”

“Faked it. Why did you have Leo fake a relationship with me?”

“It wasn't fake!” I say. “I mean, not totally. He really liked you. He just didn't know you.”

“Which means he didn't like me!” she shoots back. Her coiffed hair is starting to fall out of its bobby pins as she leans over me and roars, “He just thought I was pretty!”

“Well,” I say meekly, “you
are
pretty.”

“Autumn!”

I give up. I have to tell her. “It's just because you were pining over Ryan and I hated to see you wasting your time with him when you could be with someone who really liked you—”

“Wasting my time with him?” she snaps. “Because he's gay?”

“So you found out,” I say. “He
is
gay!”

“No!”
she retorts. “He's
not.
He's very straight, and I found out in the dressing room today that he was totally interested in me, until I started going out with Leo.”

All of a sudden, I feel very small.

“Oh,” I say. “So, um…maybe you could go after him now?”

“Now he's with the girl playing Miss Adelaide,” she says, folding her arms over her chest. “Thanks to you. And your help. And the fake boyfriend you gave me in my real one's place.”

I've never seen Taylor this furious. Not even when she was fighting with Amalita.

“I'm sorry,” I say.

She purses her lips together. “Yeah,” she says coldly. “You really are.” She turns on her heel and stalks toward her car, but turns around to add, “Do me a favor and don't come to the show. I'll do a lot better if I don't have to see your face.”

Now she really does spin and walk away, and I'm so shocked I'm frozen in place. Literally can't even move.

Taylor just dumped me.

I'm still staring at the spot where her car pulled away when someone snaps their fingers in my face.

“Yo. Autumn,” a guy says. “If you're trying to get the old folks to play freeze tag, you'll be standing here a long time.”

I blink and look at the guy. “Kyler!”

Kyler Leeds puts his fingers to his lips. “Keeping it on the down-low, remember? Everyone's been really good about it. No need to shout it to the world.”

“Like you're the only Kyler in the world?”

“Know a lot of others?”

I have to admit I don't. I change the subject. “What are you doing here?”

“What do you think I'm doing here?”

“Isn't Meemaw asleep? Eddy goes to bed the minute my activities are over.”

“No.” Kyler laughs. “Meemaw likes to stay up and watch the
Tonight Show
and
Late Night.
She'll be up for a while. Speaking of up”—he gazes at the top of the building—“you ever been on the roof of this place?”

“There is no roof access,” I say. “They don't want the residents having any accidents. Not those kinds of accidents,” I add, at Kyler's raised eyebrow.

“There's no roof access for you regular people,” Kyler says. “But if you happen to be an international rock superstar with a grandmother who likes little adventures…”

He takes out his wallet and pulls out a magnetic key card. He waggles it in front of my face.

“Are you sure you're an ‘international rock superstar'?” I ask “ 'Cause I usually hear more like ‘pop icon fad.' ”

Kyler winces and puts a hand over his heart. “Ow. And this from a girl who wallpapered her room with my face.”

“It's sad, with my mom,” I say. “The senility. She doesn't always know what she's saying.”

He flashes the key card in my face again. “Come on. You'll like it.”

We walk inside and he and the guy at the front desk exchange a secret, knowing nod. To me the guy says, “Excuse me, ma'am, do you have an ID?”

“It's me, Autumn,” I say. “I was just in here ten minutes ago.”

“ID?”

“I see you every day,” I maintain. “You never ask for ID.”

The guy looks nervously at Kyler, then says, “That can't be true. Here at Century Acres, we provide the top security for our residents, including checking the IDs of every visitor who enters.”

“Better show him your ID,” Kyler says, amused.

I dig out my Aventura High ID and show it to the guy, then follow Kyler inside.

“Think he'd work that hard to impress a pop icon fad?” Kyler asks as we walk. “I don't think so.”

We go to the elevator and he waves his key card at a panel I never paid attention to before, then presses a button with no number next to it, which I also never noticed before. Eddy lives on the first floor, and all the activities are on the first floor too. I don't think I've ever even been in this elevator.

When it stops, we step into the hot, muggy night.

“I grew up in Philadelphia,” Kyler says. “I still can't believe this is what it feels like here this close to Christmas.”

“I know,” I say. “I grew up in Maryland. It's freezing there now.”

The roof itself is nothing special, just a huge flat sprawl. But Kyler leads me to a simple lounge setup. There are a couple chaise lounges, a large chest—like a toy chest—small drink tables, folding chairs, and…

“Is that the comfy chair from downstairs?” I ask.

“One just like it,” Kyler says. “The other stuff was up here before. The staff come up here to chill out on breaks. I had the chair made just for Meemaw. If you tell your grandmother about it, I'll have to kill you.”

He opens up the toy chest, which is actually a blanket chest, and takes out a thick fuzzy throw rug. He lays it out and lies on it, then pats it so I'll lie next to him. “Trust me,” he says. “You'll like it.”

And suddenly my heart remembers that this is
Kyler Leeds,
and I'm all alone with him at night, on a roof lit only by the moon, stars, and a couple safety lights near the elevator. I've been cool up until now, but I feel myself get quivery. Still, I sit down on the rug next to him.

“Now lie back,” he says.

I do.

With the high wall around the edge of the roof, there's not much of a view when you stand up. Lying down it's a whole different story. An eternity of stars dot the sky.

“There's the Big Dipper,” Kyler says.

“Where?”

He rolls onto his side, moving closer to me, and takes my hand. I tingle all over as he points it up at the sky, tracing the outline of the constellation.

“And there,” he says, moving my hand to another spot, “is the Little Dipper.”

I have no idea if he's tracing any real constellation at all. I just like that he's touching me. It's hard to keep my breath steady when he's this close.

“Any others?” I ask.

“Oh sure,” he says huskily. “But if you really want to see stars…”

He reaches over to my far shoulder and gently turns my body so it's facing his. We're both lying on our sides now, staring at each other barely an inch away, all alone on a cozy rug. He's my whole field of vision now. Everything I see is Kyler Leeds. His dirty-blond hair, his light freckles, his green eyes, his perfect teeth, the tiny mole on his left cheekbone. I've had his whole face memorized for years. I used to kiss his poster before I went to bed at night. I've dreamed of a moment just like this, and now it's actually here.

“Hi,” he says.

The single syllable sizzles all over me. I'm not sure I can even find my voice to say anything back.

“Hi.”

He leans closer, and while part of me is right there in the moment experiencing it, another part has leaped out of my body and is jumping up and down, shouting to the universe, “KYLER LEEDS IS ABOUT TO KISS ME!!!!”

Our lips touch, and every star in the sky explodes in my head.

But I pull away.

“What's wrong?” he asks softly.

“Nothing,” I say. “Seriously,
nothing's
wrong. But I can't. I have a boyfriend.”

“It's okay,” he says. “I have girlfriends.”

He leans in for another kiss, but I can't help it. I start to laugh. “Girl
friends
? Like, more than one?”

That breaks the spell. I sit up. Kyler doesn't spend that much energy. He just props up on an elbow.

“Well, yeah,” he admits. “Is that a problem?”

“Of course it's a problem! Is that not usually a problem?”

He raises an eyebrow. Of course it's not usually a problem. He's Kyler Leeds. Most girls would kill to be on his list of girlfriends. I roll my eyes. “For me it's a problem. My life is complicated enough without kissing some guy I have to share with a bunch of other girls.”

“I like complicated,” Kyler says.

“I'm still not kissing you,” I retort.

“That's okay, lay it on me. What's so complicated?”

“You really want to know?”

“Yeah,” he says, and I kind of think he's serious, not just playing along to try and get me to kiss him again. Even if I'm wrong, I'm dying to talk it all out with someone, so I tell him. Everything. I fudge the truth a little about the map, but I tell him about Ames and Denny; Taylor and Leo; and every bit of drama between myself, Sean, Reenzie, and J.J.

“So I did all these things because I wanted to make things better, but I made them worse. And now Taylor and Ames hate me; Sean doesn't care about me because he has Reenzie and he thinks I love J.J.; and even though J.J.'s my best friend in the world, I can't handle being around him because it's so hard to pretend I like him that way when I don't…but if I tell him the truth, I'll crush him and we'll never be friends again. And Jack…I don't know what's up with Jack. He's just insane.”

“He's standing up for his bro,” Kyler says.

“Standing up how?” I ask. “I'm his bro's girlfriend. He should be nice to me.”

“Except you're not being nice to the bro.”

“I am so being nice to him! Weren't you listening? I'm bending over backward to be an amazing girlfriend to him! He has no idea I'm not totally into him.”

“I bet he has an idea,” Kyler says. “You're not as smooth as you think.”

“I am incredibly smooth.”

“You're not, and I can prove it. I don't believe for a second that it wasn't you on my float at the Macy's parade.”

My jaw drops. I'm still searching for an answer when he continues.

“No big deal. You don't have to tell me how or why, but I know it was you, and your smooth denial was a joke. So here's what you have to do: talk to all your friends. Be honest. Totally honest. Tell them what you did and why you did it. Tell them how you really feel. Tell them you're sorry. Just be real.”

I laugh out loud. “Easy for you to say. You're Kyler Leeds. If you want to apologize to someone, you just sing about it and they forget they were ever upset.”

“Or they sue me,” Kyler says. “That's happened too. But, yeah, most of the time the song thing's a pretty cool way to go.” Then he gets to his feet. “I should go down and see Meemaw. Unless you've changed your mind about the kissing thing?”

“Tempting,” I admit, “but no.”

He shrugs; then we both get off the blanket. I call my mom while he puts it away, and we ride down in the elevator together. He kisses my cheek before he gets off on the second floor. “See you around, Autumn.”

Maybe it's good I'm not speaking with Taylor and Ames. If I were, it would be torture keeping this night from them. I replay the kiss in my head as I wait for Mom and all the way home. When we get there, a familiar car is parked in front of the house, and all the joy fades out of my evening.

It's J.J.

I tell Mom I'll be in soon, then take a second to arrange my face. I need to look happy to see him. Smiling, I dart out of the car and walk-run to J.J.'s, like I'm so excited to see him I can't help but bounce a little. He sees me coming and gets out of the car, then walks around to lean on the passenger side. That's where I bounce up to him.

“Hey, you!” I chirp. I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him.

He doesn't put his arms around me or kiss me back. He keeps his hands in his pockets. I pull away a little and see he looks sick. Illuminated by the streetlights, his cheeks are drawn. His hair hangs limply in his face. His body is tense, but hunched somehow. Defeated.

“What's wrong?” I ask.

He meets my eyes. His are sad and watery.

All of a sudden I'm scared.

“J.J.?”

I reach for his hand, and for the first time in weeks, I mean it. I want to touch and comfort him. I want to help. But he won't move his hands out of his pockets.

“I'm breaking up with you,” he says.

Part of me is suddenly energized. This is perfect.
He's
breaking up with
me
! I get what I want, but it's not my fault. I'm not breaking his heart. He's doing what he wants.

But if that's true, why does he look so sad?

“Why?” I ask.

“Because that's what you want,” he says, “but you don't have the guts to do it yourself.”

“J.J., that's not true!”

I can't help saying it. I want to make him feel better. But he grimaces like he smells something rotten.

“Stop! Just stop lying to me! I
told
you—from the very beginning, I told you—please don't do this if it's just about Sean. I said that.”

“I know, but—”

“But you didn't care, because you weren't thinking about me. You were thinking about you and what felt good for you when you were sad.”

“No! I was thinking about you and how much I care about you—”

“Care about me,” J.J. echoes. “Autumn, I love you. I'm totally, head over heels in love with you.”

The words hurt. They shouldn't, but they do. Then his eyes fill with tears and it's so painful I can't even take it.

“You didn't have to kiss me,” he says. “You had what you wanted from me. I was happy to give it. Why did you kiss me? Why?”