Autumn's Kiss (19 page)

Mom actually loves the idea of a New Year's Eve party, but she doesn't want it to be just mine. She invites Amanda and a bunch of her other friends from Catches Falls and the yoga studio she goes to, and Erick invites Aaron and several of his other friends. Even Schmidt's having a friend come. Our neighbors Kevin and Pete have a dog named Sugar, who has fallen completely in love with Schmidt and follows him around on all his walks. When Mom invited the guys, she invited Sugar too. So even if my love life is still in shambles, Schmidt at least will have someone to kiss at midnight.

The day after I send out the Kyler Leeds messages, I get a call from Reenzie.

“Is this real?” she asks.

“The party,” I say, “or Kyler?”

“Both,” she says.

“Both real,” I tell her.

She doesn't say anything for a little while, and I wonder if she's thinking of the Night of Dreams last spring and how she was supposed to meet Kyler but didn't. I kind of expect her to be mad when she speaks next, but she's not.

“Sean won't show me his video,” she says. “Are you going to try and get him back?”

Whoa. Reenzie doesn't sound mad; she sounds
scared.
Of me. Stealing her boyfriend. Like Autumn Falls could ever steal Reenzie Tresca's boyfriend. Not that I'm over Sean—I'm actually still completely in love with him, and maybe if they break up one day I'll have a chance with him again—but I'm not thinking about that now.

“I would never do that,” I promise her. “You're together. He's not available.”

“You're sure?”

“Not until you get married to college-guy. Then Sean and I have a wedding fling, right?”

“An epic wedding fling, Autumn. One we'll all be talking about for ages.”

Then she tells me both she and Sean will be at the party. As for Jack, he texts me later that day.
Okay, because he admitted he's a tool, I'm there.
Then he sends me a Vine of Kyler's video to him, edited down to Kyler saying, “I'm a tool” over and over again.

I don't hear from J.J. at all. Ames tells me he's still not sure if he's coming.

“Did he listen to the song?” I ask.

“Won't tell me,” Ames says. “I don't know.”

I'm sad, but I get it. And in the meantime, we all throw ourselves into party planning. It's totally last-minute, but Mom wants to do it up big-time. She hires a caterer, and Taylor and Ames practically move in to help us decorate and make music playlists and get the house perfect. By the thirty-first, it's a whirlwind of black, silver, and gold, with streamers, balloons, banners, colored lights, a disco ball…it kind of reminds me of our old Halloween parties, except with a different theme. A theme of second chances, like Kyler said. Or starting over.

Guests start arriving around seven. Mom, Erick, and I decided to each dress in one of our theme colors. I'm in a sleeveless silver shimmery dress, Mom went with a little black dress, and Erick sports a seriously impressive gold tux. He sets up his camera on a tripod so we can pose in front of it and make a little video. Mom starts by announcing the date—so when we have a whole stack of these, we'll know which year is which.

By eight o'clock, our house is completely full. We're blasting music inside and out, people are dancing, Eddy and Mrs. Rubenstein are chatting together on the couch, and everyone seems really happy. I've been so busy running around and taking people's wraps and bags that I haven't had the chance to enjoy the party yet, but now I mingle. Taylor and Ames look like Christmas. Taylor's in a green cocktail dress, while Amalita's wearing a red sheath that clings to her gorgeously. She's made up to perfection, and she jangles when she walks from all her jewelry. They both look spectacular. They pull me outside to our makeshift dance floor. Jack's already there, trying to impress Amanda's fourteen-year-old daughter with his moves. I think they look ridiculous, but she's laughing, so maybe he's doing okay.

I excuse myself when I see Sean getting sodas at the drinks table. He's wearing jeans and a dark blazer, with a white shirt that stands out against his dark skin. I have to catch my breath before I get too close, or I can't trust what I'll do.

I sidle up next to him.

“Hey,” I say.

“Autumn, hi,” he says.

I can feel the space between us sizzling, like it always has. Everything in me wants to seal that space and curl into his arms, but I can't. He's with someone else. He probably doesn't even think of me that way anymore.

Here it is, our first real conversation since he came to my house after his trip, and I have no idea what to say.

I notice him glance behind me. I turn around and see Reenzie. She's inside, but she's looking out through the sliding glass doors. She smiles and waves like everything's okay, but even from this far away I see she's a little worried. I figure I have about a minute with Sean before she comes out and links herself onto his arm.

“I saw the video,” Sean starts.

Kyler had said on it that I did what I did because I was angry and hurt, but I should have given him a chance to explain and I was sorry. He also said my feelings hadn't changed.

“It's stuff I should have told you myself,” I say.

“Maybe,” Sean says. “Maybe if you had…”

He sighs, like he's not really happy with the way things turned out, and I surprise myself by getting a little mad. He's with Reenzie. If he's not totally happy with her, he shouldn't be with her. It's just as bad as what I was doing with J.J.

“That's the real problem!” I say it like I'm making a discovery, because I really am. “You can't make up your mind. Even before you kissed Reenzie, you were texting us both all summer, sending us the same pictures, flirting with us….I totally thought you were interested in just me, and Reenzie was just as positive it was her.”

Sean looks uncomfortable. “I
do
like you both. In totally different ways.”

“But that's not okay! I mean, I guess it's okay if you like us both, but you have to make a real choice. You know the real reason I went out with J.J.?”

“You were mad at me,” Sean says.

“No. I went out with him because he told me I deserved someone who didn't flop around. Someone who was
positive
he wanted to be with me.”

“I
was
positive.”

“You weren't! You hooked up with Reenzie while we were together; then you told her you wanted to be with me; then when we weren't together, you went right back to her. And look at her. She's sitting there freaked out because she's worried you might still want to be with me.”

Sean's raises his blue eyes to look right into mine. “I do,” he says, “sometimes.”

“Me too,” I admit, “pretty much all of the time. But that's not fair. It's not even.”

“Hey, kiddies,” Reenzie says as she slinks over in her lace-accented black dress and slips her arm through Sean's. “What's up?”

“Got you a soda,” Sean says. He shifts his eyes to hers now, and they smile together.

“I'm going to dance,” I say. “Come join!”

They don't right away, but eventually they do, and soon we're all out there in a giant knot of my, my mom's, and Erick's friends. Only J.J. doesn't show, but I have high hopes he'll make a dramatic movie entrance as we count down to midnight.

We all pile inside and turn on
Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve
for the countdown, and scream out the numbers together. After “one,” we all shout “HAPPY NEW YEAR!” and throw streamers and blow horns and spin noisemakers, and all the couples fold into each other's arms and kiss and Eddy and Mrs. Rubenstein sing that old New Year's song because they're the only ones who know the words…

…but no J.J.

I'm disappointed, but I'm not going to let it kill my night. I grab Erick and plant a New Year's kiss on his cheek, then dole them out to Eddy, my mom, Schmidt, and Sugar. Amalita, Taylor, and I corner Jack and all kiss his face at the same time, which he pretends to hate.

I don't kiss Sean, but I hug him. It feels too good. I pull away as soon as I can and meld back into the party.

Ten minutes after midnight, J.J. comes in. He stands in the doorway, craning his neck…looking for me? He's wearing a tux, which seems pretty dressed up for a party he's joining so late, but he looks incredible in it.

I run up to him and throw myself into his arms. “J.J.!” I scream. “I'm so glad you're here.”

It feels so good when he hugs me back that I start to cry.

“I'm sorry,” I say into his jacket. “I'm so, so sorry.”

He hugs me a little tighter for just a second, then pulls away. He runs his fingers through his hair. “I can't stay and I can't talk for long because as it is, Carrie's going to kill me for leaving her party.”

Proof that I'm the worst human being in the world? After everything I put J.J. through, I flare with jealousy when he mentions Carrie Amernick.

Proof that I have at least a shred of decency? I don't interrupt J.J. and ask if he and Carrie are together now.

“I started to watch the video when you sent it,” he says, “but I saw stupid Kyler Leeds and his stupid guitar and I promised myself there was no way I'd ever watch it. But then the year changed and I figured a promise I made last year didn't really matter anymore, and I had already emailed the file to my phone so I'd have it in case I changed my mind….”

“Did you like it?” I ask.

“It kills me to say this because it's Kyler Leeds,” he says, “but yeah. I liked it.”

“It's everything I wanted to say myself. I just didn't know how.”

He nods. “I get it.”

He looks uncomfortable. I wish I could help, but I feel like anything I do will just make things worse.

“I miss you,” I say. “Can we hang out again?”

He nods again. “Just…maybe not like before…not for a little while yet.”

That makes me want to cry again. J.J.'s tearing up too.

“I have to run,” he says. “Tell everyone I said hi. And Happy New Year.”

He leans in like he's about to hug me again, but thinks better of it. He turns and jogs back to his car.

“Pay attention, everyone!” Mrs. Rubenstein shouts. “It's my grandson on TV!”

I move toward the screen. It's Kyler, onstage in Times Square. I had no idea he was even going to be on the show. Behind me I hear Taylor, Amalita, and Reenzie whispering about Mrs. Rubenstein and how this is clearly my Kyler connection, but I'm paying attention to the show.

Kyler looks great. He's in full international rock superstar mode. Torn jeans, worn T-shirt that fits him perfectly. He has his guitar slung around his body and speaks into the microphone.

“Happy New Year, everyone! Gonna play a new one for you tonight. This goes out to a not-so-smooth individual who likes to bump into a certain pop idol fad in the strangest places. If you're watching, I hope your party's going well, and I'd love to see you soon.”

I'm totally aware that several pairs of eyes are now staring at me, and several jaws have dropped, but I don't pay attention. I smile, because it sounds to me like I just received an invitation, and I'm pretty sure I can accept and still get back before anyone misses me
too
much.

While the rest of the house listens to Kyler's new song about me and J.J., I run upstairs, lock my bedroom door, and pull out the map. I grab my dry-erase pen and scrawl in big clear letters, right across the green splotch:

Kyler Leeds.