Autumn's Kiss (16 page)

“I was going to tell you everything, Autumn. But you didn't wait. You didn't care enough to give me a chance. You listened to Reenzie and you believed her and you went right to somebody else.”

I don't think I've ever felt this horrible about something I've done. He's right—not the Reenzie part, but the important stuff…he's right. I should have given him a chance to explain.

I want to touch him, just to know that we still have a chance. I reach out for his hand, but he jerks away. He shakes his head. “Whatever you've got with J.J….I hope it's good. I hope it makes you happy. I'll see you around.”

He turns and walks back to his car, and in that moment, when he's completely done with me, I know for a fact that
Sean's
the one I want. Not J.J. I was just too hurt to admit it to myself.

The problem is I told J.J. the opposite. I can't break up with him. It'd kill him. And even if I did break up with J.J., would Sean even want me back afterward? I doubt it.

J.J.'s car pulls up in front of the house. He gets out. He looks concerned, but happy. I want to smack the smile off his face.

That's not fair. I'm mad at myself, not J.J., but still.

“I was parked around the corner,” he says. “You okay? You guys have it out?”

I nod. J.J. bends down and kisses me, but it feels like kissing cardboard. I can't let him see that, though. He'd know why. More than ever, right after seeing Sean, I need to be an amazing girlfriend to him so he doesn't suspect how I really feel. I owe him that as a friend. I kiss him back with as much feeling as I can manage, then let him hold my hand and walk me to his car.

Monday is a nightmare.

J.J. won't let go of my hand. If we're within touching range, he's holding my hand. If we're not within touching range, he
gets
within touching range, and then he's holding my hand. It feels like I'm locked to him. I hate it.

Reenzie's furious with me. She grabs my wrist and pulls me aside at lunch, which is the first time I see her, since I get to school so late. “Sean won't even talk to me,” she says. “He's furious that I told you about what happened.”

“You didn't tell me,” I say. “I told him that.”

Reenzie's eyes flash. “Did Taylor tell you? I'll kill her.”

“Taylor didn't tell me. I just knew.”

“You
just knew
?” She squeezes my wrist hard, then lets go. Her face goes from demon to Barbie doll in a split second. She even smiles. “Kind of makes sense. I mean, you know how I feel about him. You know he's interested in me. You know…” She gestures to her own body, up and down, because clearly no one could resist anyone who looks like her. “You figured it would happen. You're smart.”

I can't tell if she's insulting me with all that, or complimenting me, or a little of both. I just keep my mouth shut and let her talk.

“I want you to know, I
am
sorry. Not that it happened. I mean, it was going to happen, but that it hurt you. I promise I wasn't thinking about you at all.”

I can't even be upset with her when she says things like that. She has no clue she's being rude in any way.

“It is what it is,” I say.

Reenzie grins and gives my arm a friendly squeeze. “And, hey, you're with J.J. now, which is great! I always thought the two of you would be amazing together.”

She's not the only one. Taylor and Jack are still oohing and aahing over how perfect a match J.J. and I are, and J.J. eats it up. He eats his lunch one-handed so he can keep the other arm draped over me. It feels like a lead weight around my shoulders, but I don't let him know. I sit and eat and chat and smile and I don't let the smile fade even when Reenzie talks about how she's going to win Sean back, which she thinks is a fair conversation since I'm clearly with someone else.

Sean doesn't sit with us at lunch. I don't see much of him at all. He's hanging with his football friends, so maybe he's seeing Amalita and Denny. I'm certainly not. I'm still dead to Ames. Taylor's been texting with her, though, and says Amalita and her parents even had Thanksgiving with Denny and his family at their house. I wonder if Ames wore makeup.

Sometimes I do see Sean. From a distance or across the hall. Every time I do, my heart hurts. I always try to catch his eye, and it's like throwing him my lifeline and begging him to tow me in, but he won't. He won't even look at me, even when I'm sure he knows I'm there.

The really awful thing, and the thing I feel the worst about, is that for the first time since I met him, seeing J.J. doesn't make me happy; it makes my stomach sink. I feel like I do a really good job faking it, though. It's hard, but I work at it because he deserves to feel like his girlfriend is crazy about him, and for better or worse,
I'm
his girlfriend. So I never pull away even a little when he kisses me, and I always let him hold my hand, and I try to lean in toward him when he puts his arm around me…all the good-girlfriendy stuff. And I try to be fun and jokey with him like we always are, and I think it goes well…it's just way more effort than it ever was before. I have to try, and I'm not sure how long I'll be able to fake it without him realizing.

I get the solution from Reenzie, actually. She's leaving lunch early
again
for yearbook, but when Jack gives her a hard time, she says, “You will be lucky if you
ever
see me. Yearbook is just the beginning. I'm also starting to work as an assistant for a photography professor at FSU so he'll write me a brilliant college recommendation with emphasis on my new-but-incredibly-serious passion for photojournalism. Plus, I'm starting an SAT course so when we take them in the spring, I'll be a million times readier than you.”

“ ‘Readier' isn't a word,” J.J. says. “You just failed your SAT.”

“And we don't have to take them in the spring,” Jack said. “Fall senior year, that's what my parents said.”

“That's because your parents already know you're a hopeless cause,” Reenzie says.

“It's better to take them both times,” Taylor agrees. “Most people do better their second time.”

“Autumn did,” J.J. says. He squeezes me a little closer and I'm totally grossed out because he's saying I did better going with him than with Sean, but I give a good-girlfriend giggle and sigh, “Yeah.”

“Whatever,” Reenzie says. “Point is, if you want to get into a good college, you have to focus your life the way we're all supposed to focus our diets to eat healthy: cut out everything except the purest forms of nutrition.”

“Healthily, not healthy,” J.J. corrects her. “More points off your SAT.”

“I cut out everything except mac 'n' cheese, bagels, and cotton candy,” Jack adds. “Is that bad?”

Reenzie rolls her eyes and leaves after that, but I'm inspired. When school ends and J.J. wants to hang out, I tell him I can't because I have an appointment with the college counselor. I don't, but his office is never very busy, so I walk right in and he's not only free to talk, but also psyched to talk. I ask him if it's true that colleges love it when you're busy following a passion and he says yes. He says grades and SATs are the most important things to them, with grades most of all. “So if you're not giving your schoolwork one hundred percent,” he says, “now's the time.” He says once grades are in good shape, then they look at extracurriculars like hobbies, activities, and volunteer work. Colleges want to see that you have “a singular passion, something that enriches your life so you can in turn enrich their school.”

I don't need anything to enrich me, but I
do
need something to keep me busy. At that moment I decide I'll dedicate myself to getting into an incredible college. I'll devote all my spare time to studying. As for a “singular passion,” I suppose I've got the whole bringing-peace-and-harmony-to-my-little-corner-of-the-world thing, but my way of doing it would be tough to explain to an admissions officer.

Of course, if I started volunteering, that
would
bring peace and harmony in a way colleges would understand, and it could take a
lot
of time. But where would I volunteer? I already help out at Catches Falls when I can, but if I spend too much time there, Mom will ask questions.

Then I realize the answer—I'll volunteer at Century Acres! It'll make Eddy feel good because I'm around. Plus, maybe I'll get to see more of Kyler Leeds. Bonus: it shows my singular passion for helping others and therefore helps me get into a great college. Double bonus: I avoid time with J.J. without hurting his feelings.

The plan is genius, and I'm pretty proud of myself for thinking of it. I practically float out of the college counselor's office, and I'm not even bothered that J.J. is waiting for me to finish. I even throw myself into his arms, kiss him, and tell him my epiphany, though of course I don't tell him why. I just say that Reenzie inspired me to take action for my life and that volunteering at Century Acres is the clear, life-changing option. J.J. even thinks it's a great idea, and he's happy to drive me there so I can check it out. He also wants to wait for me, but I tell him it might be a while since ideally I want to start volunteering right away. I tell him I'll have my mom pick me up, but I kiss him and promise to call him later.

Already I feel free. I run inside and find the manager on duty and it turns out they're totally dying for volunteers! They offer all kinds of activities—which is one of the reasons Dad wanted Century Acres for Eddy in the first place—and they need people to run them. It doesn't take experience either. They need people to start the exercise videos they play so the residents can do chair aerobics; they need people to read to the residents, to run the bingo games…super-easy, super-fun stuff. I tell the manager I'll start right away, but she laughs and says they're set for the day, but if I email her the times I'm free, she'll email back with a schedule.

I practically skip into the dining room to tell Eddy. She's sitting with a group of women and complaining loudly about Mrs. Rubenstein…who oddly enough is sitting just one table away complaining loudly about Eddy.

“Eddy!” I cry. “Guess what,
Abuela
? You'll be seeing a lot more of me, because I'm volunteering here now! I'll be here all the time!”

I expect her to stand up and announce this to the room—that her granddaughter, Autumn Falls, loves her so much she'll be spending lots of time with everyone. I figure she might even get up on the chair to dance and celebrate—it's not unlike her. Instead she pulls me close. “What happened,
querida
?” she asks softly. “Did something go wrong with the map?”

I'm stunned. I wonder if she's the one who's a little bit psychic. “No!” I say. “Why would you even think that? I just want to hang out around you and your friends. And yes, okay, it looks good on a college application.”

Eddy narrows her eyes like she's sizing me up, then shrugs. “
Lo que sea
—the reason doesn't matter. It'll be nice to have you here.”

She offers me a seat at the table, but I let her know I've also rededicated myself to my schoolwork and have to go study. I call Mom and she agrees to pick me up, and while I'm waiting I dial Jenna…but I hang up before I even finish her number. She was pretty clear that she thinks I should be with J.J. only if I'm truly attracted to him. She probably won't approve of my plan. She doesn't understand how important J.J. is to me and how much I want to make sure I don't hurt him. If I keep my schedule full enough, I can be an amazing girlfriend to him all the way through graduation. Then we can break up naturally when we go to separate colleges, and he won't get his heart broken at all.

My phone chimes. It's a text from Leo.

Need to talk!
he writes.
Seeing Taylor and no clue what to say!

I'd love to help him, but I don't have the energy to work on anyone else's love life. I am in fact the anti-relationship person. I am all about school and making the world a better place for the elderly.

Crazy swamped
, I text back.
But you've been with her awhile now. You'll do fine.

He texts back in a panic that he's positive he won't do fine at all, but I send him some smiley face emojis to help him chill out and go with it.

So now I have a whole new schedule I can ride from now through the beginning of Christmas vacation. I don't know what I'll do for Christmas vacation when J.J. wants to hang with me all the time, but I'll worry about that later. Maybe I can visit Jenna the whole time, or find a long-lost relative in someplace far away, like Los Angeles. Or China.

In the meantime, though, I'm pretty impressed with my new plan. It's productive and rewarding and the more I do it, the more I kind of think I know what it feels like to be Reenzie.

I still drive to school with J.J. every day, but I'm usually up so late the night before that we don't talk much—riding with him is like a five-minute, feet-on-the-dash power nap to get me ready for school. And no matter how much I worked the night before, I always have some more studying to do, so the minute we get to school, I give him a quick kiss, then slip into the library to crack the books. I see J.J. again at lunch, and I lean on him lovingly for the twenty minutes until I follow Reenzie's lead. When she bounces up to move on to yearbook, I bounce up to get back to the library, but I never go without kissing J.J. goodbye. After school J.J. drives me to Century Acres, and every time I thank him, he gives me an “As you wish,” and I kiss him before I get out of the car.