Awakened Desires (30 page)

“I’m not,” she said indignantly, but terror filled her beautiful eyes.

Still shirtless, I stood in front of Quinn as a bloodied, battered, abused, broken, tortured soul. The bruises on my torso looked even angrier than they did fifteen minutes prior. My face was stained with blood, and my hair was matted with dried blood where she stitched up the jagged gash.

Sympathy grew in her eyes as they darted around my desecrated body. She tried to hold it together, but she wasn’t able to. My pitiful presence drew her in, and she looked at me like I was just an innocent boy trapped in a body that was ravaged by a sinister man.

Kneeling down in front of her with a hiss of pain, I rested my forehead on her knee for a moment to gather myself. Then I took both of her hands into mine. “Please, accept my apology. I’m begging you.”

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“I do for misleading you.”

“You misled me, but it’s not your fault.”

I was quiet for a moment, trying to understand Quinn and process what she said. “I came to the States and lived my life pushing people away because of my job. I didn’t think the opportunity would be there for me to get close to anyone…
ever
. It has been so much easier to push people away than to show someone my true self. That’s why I spent many years behaving so poorly.” Gripping her hands with what little strength I had left in my aching body, I cleared my throat, trying to hold it all back. “But I want to be close to you. My heart skips when I see you. I get this rush that I have never felt before, making me feel like a young lad. You make me want to walk on a straight line, not to live a lie anymore. I want to make a life with you.”

Quinn tried to get up. “I can’t do this with you right now.” Seemingly, it was all too much for her: my admission of guilt, my admission of my feelings, my self-damnation, and the fact I was apologizing for something that wasn’t under my control. Frankly, it was too much for me, as well.

Holding her down, even in my weakened state, I murmured, “Quinn…please. That’s why I wanted to apologize to you. I have hurt you beyond measure and I cannot change what happened, but the way you supported me has blown my mind. And when Josie said that you love me… I had to tell you how I felt.

“No one has ever spoken that way about me before, and I have never felt this way before. At first, I didn’t know what was going on in my head and it left me so confused. I had to do what I needed to do to keep my mission on track but, love, you have derailed me. Your kindness and compassion made me see the world through your eyes, not the sin-filled eyes that I have.”

“Gunther…I can’t,” she whimpered.

“But you love me and I you.” My desperation was prevalent. “Let’s make this work. Never had anyone showed me love or affection that wasn’t intended to please me for just one evening, but you have this entire time. You have forever changed the person I am. You have brought out what they pushed down into the deepest part of my mind and the deepest chamber of my heart. And I thank you.” I swallowed hard. “I thank you so fucking much.”

I still held onto Quinn’s hands, tight and desperate. She wasn’t fighting me anymore. She stared into my watery eyes for what seemed like an eternity. Nervous as hell, I waited on a response from her.

Finally, she spoke, “You promise me you are done with this program and you will not pursue this mission anymore?” She was stern, as if she was speaking with a child who had done something well beyond mischievous. “You make that promise to me, Gunther. Right now.”

“Yes, of course. I promise you.
I…promise…you
. I want to make this right. I want us.” The heavy burden I carried on my shoulders for decades flaked away piece by piece. However, my promise wasn’t exactly truthful. There were still matters to take care of in North Carolina.

“What about this stuff with Henry?”

“Maybe I can make it right with him.” I cringed internally. I wasn’t going to do anything but fuck his shit up when I finally found him—if he was still walking the earth.

Quinn continued to look into my eyes, trying to decide if I was telling the truth or feeding her lies again. In silence, I begged for her to feel nothing but the truth coming from me.

Then it happened. She moved into me, our lips close to touching. Our foreheads rested against one another. “I love you so fucking much, Quinn. So much,” I whispered into her lips that were just a breath away from mine.

“I love you, too.”

I couldn’t believe what was happening. I felt undeserving to be with a woman of her quality. I only ever deserved to be pleased one night at a time. My eyes closed and my huge exhale sent shivers down her spine.

“You have no idea what that means to me. No one, not a single person in my life, has ever said that to me.
Ever
.” Except Carly, but I didn’t feel her love was real. More or less, she was attached to me because of what happened. Opening my eyes, my forehead still pressed to hers, I decided to make the first move.

Closing my eyes again, I kissed Quinn’s exquisite lips in a soft and loving manner. When I pulled away and cupped her face in my hands, I just gazed at her for a long time, thinking about preservation. “I want to remember this moment with you forever.” Even though we had kissed before, that kiss felt like our first. It was so special to me and I would never forget it.

Quinn opened her eyes when I spoke. Then her cheeks heated, even though my hands cooled her face. She whispered, “Josie is building a fire. We should go help her, unless you need to lie down. There’s a chair out there you can sit in.”

Not expecting her to want to move on so quickly, I smiled. “I’ll manage. Thank you for being concerned with my welfare.” I pressed my lips to her forehead and then, begrudgingly, stood up, feeling every pain in my body.

“Maybe you should lie down instead.” She patted the bed beside her.

“No…no. I’m okay. I just need to move around.” That was a lie. Moving would cause me even more pain, but I didn’t want a moment without her. I would sacrifice my own comfort just to be able to watch her.

“Stubborn,” Quinn mumbled as she stood and left the room. Fucking true story right there. I brought stubborn to a whole new level. I could make a mule look compliant.

I stood there for a moment, smiling to myself. For the first time in my life, my heart was filled with happiness. My nerves tingled through my body and gave me a foreign sensation, but it was bloody glorious.

It was a chilly night and the crisp winter air was right around the corner. I was glad the heat wave seemed to be over.

Hobbling into the common area, I eyed the chair, then decided to try to help Josie with the fire. She was squatting in front of the fireplace, blowing on a bunch of dry grass that she had collected, trying feverishly to get the wood to light. “Can I help you with that?” I offered, hoping she would accept me. If Quinn did, she would eventually. That was all I could hope for.

“Uh…yeah, I guess. If you want.” Josie stood up and slowly backed away. She feared me. “I’ll, uh…” She pointed back to the small kitchenette on the other side of the shack. “I’ll get us something to eat.”

I frowned, knowing that fear was what made her walk away from me. Someday, I hoped Josie would forgive me for my unfortunate circumstances and really poor choices. “Thank you.” I smiled. “That would be nice.”

Josie nodded, obviously still unsure of how she should be acting. After hearing her bark at Quinn, she was profoundly angry with me. The possibility was still there that she wanted to put a bullet in my head. I didn’t blame her because I felt the same. There was an occasion or two that I wanted to put a bullet in my own head, ending my sick and twisted life. I hoped Josie knew I was truly sorry and full of remorse for my actions, but the fear radiating off of her hung over me like a thick fog.

They were both rummaging through our belongings. Quinn found a long-sleeved shirt for me to put on, and Josie pulled out a couple tins of soup we had found along the way. She went into the kitchenette and found a pot.

By the time Josie came back over to me, the fire was blazing. “Did we happen to bring a can opener?” She stood in front of me like a nervous child speaking to a stranger. I suppose, since my confession, I
was
a stranger to her.

I wasn’t a family man or a heroic man walking the earth, trying to save whoever was in danger. I was a half-dead man to blame for the spread of the virus. I murdered everyone she knew and loved. That’s how she saw me, and that’s how I saw myself.

“Yes, I have one.” I dug deep down into my pocket and pulled out a multi-tool knife. “You know how to use it? Or do you want me…?”

Josie snatched the tool out of my hand. “I can do it.” She retreated over to the small table and worked at the tins until she was able to pour the soup into the pot.

I stood there for a second, a bit stunned. The thought of her trying to stab me with a two-inch knife danced through my mind. Quinn touched my hand, bringing me back. She helped me put on my shirt. She was a brill woman for choosing a button-down. Everything she did was brill.

Josie heated the pot until the soup bubbled up and the delicious aroma of tinned chicken noodle soup filled the air.
Nasty shit.
We didn’t bring the silverware from the house, but Josie found a couple of mugs in the kitchenette. Quinn washed the dirt and dust off of them and poured the soup.

We drank the warm, not-so-comforting soup, and gorged ourselves on a box of stale crackers. It was nice to have a warm meal for a change, even if it tasted like shit.

We hardly spoke to one another, sitting and studying the fire instead. And it was because neither one of them was one hundred percent comfortable with me. I understood and had to accept it.

Night had fallen and I was nodding off in the chair. A tickling sensation down my arm startled me and I bolted up, ready for a fight, Sig in hand.

“Calm down!” Quinn exclaimed. “It’s just me.” I bent over, growling in agony. “Come on. Let’s get you to bed.”

“Sorry. You startled me,” I mumbled, looking away with a bashful grin.

Quinn wrapped her arm around my back and kept me balanced as we walked into the bedroom. She helped me into the bed, which groaned under my weight.

As she headed to the door, I stopped her, desperate for her to lay next to me. “Stay with me.”

“I can’t.”

“Why? I thought… Shit.” I was confused, thinking that we had a major breakthrough and were, in a sense, together.

Why doesn’t she want to sleep next to me? I thought that’s what couples did. Maybe I misunderstood. Vivienne slept in bed with me a few times, but I made sure there was a space the size of Alaska between us.

“Someone has to keep watch. The front door isn’t exactly secure. And I don’t want Josie to be alone out there.”

Maybe she’s a little uncomfortable sharing a bed with another man? She has shared a bed with her husband for so long, maybe she feels like she’s betraying him.
I didn’t know what I should think about it. All I knew was my body ached to be close to her, yearning for her healing warmth wrapped around me. She had to feel the same when she was close to me.

“All right,” I mumbled. The sound of disappointment filled the room.

I thought I would finally be able to sleep beside Quinn for the first time. I was desperate to see what it felt like to cuddle up to someone I truly loved versus just pushing a woman out the door after some mind-blowing sex and the draw.

She stood in the doorway, watching me try to get comfortable. I grimaced and groaned a few times. “You okay?”

“Yeah. Fucking fantastic.” Thanks to her wanting to keep me at a distance, I was grumpy. Big shocker right there. I pulled the tattered quilt up to my chest as I rolled over, my back to Quinn.

She sighed heavily. “I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“I’m fine,” I snipped.

I was so disappointed with her and, rightfully, with myself, I could have screamed.