Backstage Pass: All Access (5 page)

She beam
ed. Literally. Beamed like the thousand-watt spotlight they use when I was on stage. Straight . . . at . . . me.

“Really? You got a car just for tonight?” Her fingers slid over the leather seat and up the shaft of the gearshift. Oh fuck
I was never going to make it through tonight. Her gaze lifted back to mine. “Thank you.”

I want
ed to explain that it wasn’t just for tonight, that somehow I needed a car for all the other lame parts of my life that were not her. But they’d be lies. So I didn’t. I returned her smile and simply said, “You’re welcome.”

The fear retreat
ed and I was going to do everything in my power to keep from ever seeing it anywhere near her again.

I couldn’t stop touching the leather seats. He’d bought a car. For me. A car to take me on a date. Me.
Us
. I couldn’t hold still and Kerri’s last minute admonition about being a queen was starting to fade. I wanted to squeal and giggle and kiss him smack on the mouth. By the time he’d rounded the hood of his car, I’d managed to pull myself together enough to ask where we were going.

“I made reservations a
t Aqua.”

How I
kept my eyes from popping out of my head, I had no idea. That was the swankiest place in town and I’d never even pulled into the parking lot, let alone eaten there.
Holy shit
, he was pulling out all the stops tonight.

I
glanced at his profile.

Why?
Why after what he’d said to me about taking him at his everything was he making this date feel like he was courting me?

H
is fingers slid back and forth across the top of the wheel and I was dying to ask him about his music and the tour and everything with Ainsley, but I felt like that was a complete taboo subject that would spiral us into someplace bad.

He
glanced over at me and I looked away quickly like I’d been caught stealing.

“How’s school?”

My spine relaxed and I sank into the soft leather of the seat. “Okay. Physics is going to kill me.”

H
is fingernails stroked the stitching at the base of the wheel. “I’m sure you’ll ace it.”

“How about you?” I
felt silly having such a mundane conversation when all I really wanted to do was dive into the deep end of his soul and search for the meaning of who he was and what made him be and how I could live there for all eternity.

“I dropped out.”

I jerked upright so fast my seatbelt clamped down and imprisoned me. I managed to stretch forward and grip his arm. “Jesse! You can’t. What about—”

H
is jaw clenched once, then relaxed. “I talked it over with Mom and Dad. We made a deal that I could play this music thing out as far as it will go, but at the first sign that it is not working, I’ve got to go back and finish my degree.”

“How’d they handle it?”

He smiled and turned the glow of his perfect teeth on me. “With a wicked game of darts.”

I laugh
ed. “Did you have to be the target?”

H
is hand dropped to cover mine where I was still holding his sleeve and he casually pulled it into his lap like it was the most natural thing in the world. His conversation never hiccupped and he kept right on telling the story. “No, but they did make me put my two choices on the board and we played five rounds. Whoever got the most darts in the other person’s choice won.”

Only
his parents would find a way to make a game out of a life-altering decision. I adored them.

He squeezed my fingers. “Luckily, I’ve been practicing darts.”

I winced. Yeah, probably with me on the dartboard. A blush stung my neck and I faced forward just as he pulled into the restaurant. The valet opened my door and as I stepped out, Jesse took my hand.

We
floated through the front doors, but maybe I was the only one floating. Maybe he was perfectly grounded and this was a perfectly normal dinner and nothing seemed extraordinarily fantastical like it did for me.

Inside, the swank
was nearly overwhelming and I tried not to think about how this was his life now. He was going to eat at places like this for the rest of his life and I had to figure out how to fit in. A low-grade tremble started in the depths of my belly and no matter how much I tried to ignore it, it was still there after Jesse pulled out my chair and I had draped my linen napkin across my lap.

The waiter
filled our water glasses and I serenely gulped down half of mine. Jesse set his glass down at the same time and I smiled at its emptiness. Good. While I didn’t want him to be a complete nervous mess like I was, I wouldn’t mind if he was struggling a little bit.

He
held up the menu and I was transported back in time to that very first morning. A smile crept up my mouth and I couldn’t hold it in. He lowered the menu just enough to see me and I laughed.

“Just a guy, Sasha.
Just a guy in your lit class.”

“And a musician.”
But this time when I said it, my voice wavered with pride.

Menus forgotten, he reache
d forward, both palms up. I settled my hands in his and he squeezed. “This is just us, Sasha.”

The tension
unwound from my chest and I let out a breath. “Just us.” I could do just us.

The waiter
came back and we ordered, then slipped into an easy conversation. Jesse told me more stories about his awesome family and I told him stories about growing up with my famous dad that I’d never told anyone.

He revealed secrets and fears and I did too. We left everything on the table and I’d never felt so safe and free at the same time.
After dinner, we shared an Italian ice cream, and watching Jesse lick the spoon did weird things to the inside of my tummy. I wasn’t sure how we were ending the date, but Kerri had demanded that I buy new underwear just in case. Heat bloomed across my lap and I fidgeted.

H
is eyes pierced mine as he withdrew the spoon from his mouth and slowly licked the rim. My nipples hardened and I couldn’t catch my breath. He’d opened my world to the sensuality and experience of sex and I was attuned to everything his body did, how it moved, how it made mine react.

He pa
id our bill and escorted me back to the valet stand. My arm was tucked in his and his bicep rested against my breast. I wanted to rub myself against him. We’d had the perfect night, and capping if off with a soul-touching lovemaking session would have been ideal. I was not about to make the first move, though.

He hand
ed our ticket to the valet and the silence was making me doubly aware of his body. “So when do you go on tour?”

H
is gaze lingered on my cleavage and he dragged it up my neck, across my lips and finally met my eyes. Lust and hunger burned bright in his carnal look. “Next week.”

My heart trip
ped. I couldn’t believe that we were only going to get a few days to put us back together before our next challenge. I took a deep breath and smiled. “Are you excited?”

His
gaze bounced back to my lips. “I am.”

A
tremor zinged through my body from my toes to my ears. The way he’d said it made me think possibly he was excited for something else too, but I had to push that thought from my mind or it would have slowly driven me mad, especially if he needed to rest up before his tour or something.

The valet
brought the car around and held my door while Jesse helped me in. His fingers grazed my skin and I was vibrating like an overheated mess. We were on our way back to my place before he said anything. “I’d like to see you again before I go.”

His
fingers found mine in the dark and I held our hands in my lap. I couldn’t keep the tremble out of my body, but now it was because I was terrified. I knew I said I could take him and his rocker lifestyle, but now that it was knocking on my front door and we hadn’t had time to get anything solidified, every single one of my darkest fears had come true. I was just my mom all over again.

I gulp
ed in breaths. But Jesse wasn’t my dad and I had to remember that. No matter what happened, I had to remember. Or we’d never make it.

H
is thumb swished back and forth over my skin and I realized I hadn’t answered him. “I’d like that too.”

We go
t to my house way faster than I would have liked and he was already opening my door before I had a chance to catch my breath. He walked me to the door and I dug my keys out of my purse. I was pretty sure Kerri wasn’t here because she was certain we were going to do it and she didn’t want to do anything to screw that up, but now that we were standing here and I was less certain of anything than I ever had been in my entire life, I was wishing she was here.

I
took a shaky breath and begged my mind to shut the hell up.

Jesse tuck
ed a strand of hair behind my ear and trailed his fingertips across my jaw. His eyes were wide and he was devouring my entire body with his eyes. I wanted other parts of his body on the job. He hadn’t sung to me since we’d been back together and my gaze got stuck on his lips. I wanted those on me.

“I had a really great time tonight.”

I smiled and my heart swelled. “I did too. I felt a little out of place in such a nice restaurant, but thank you for letting me experience that.”

He chuckled. “You make it sound like
I was trying to bring you up to my level.” He stepped closer. “That’s not the case, Sasha. You know that, right? You know where I come from. If I don’t keep it humble my family will kick my ass.” His touch trailed over my collarbone and over the rolling gold waves of my shirt to my shoulder. He cleared his throat. “I wanted to impress you tonight.”

I blink
ed. “You did?”

He nod
ded. “Part of me wants to make this time around a thousand percent different for you. I want you to know all the great parts of touring. There’s a ton of money that comes with this gig and I want to spoil you.”

My fingers f
ound the seam of buttons beneath his tie and I clutched the fabric. The t-shirt underneath sandwiched my skin and I would have died to be able to touch him. I squeezed my other hand into a fist until my keys dug into my flesh. “I don’t need any of that. I need you. That’s all.”

H
is gaze dropped to my lips and I could feel his heart beating faster beneath my hands. “That’s a pretty spectacular thing to say.”

“
It has always been the case.” I could barely say the words. My throat was clogged with emotion and I was doing my best to hold it together, but with the crazy lust raging through me, and the fear of him leaving, and the surge of how much I loved him, I felt like I was standing at the convergence of three giant rivers in some teeny tiny dingy boat that was going to get swept away and over a set of giant waterfalls within seconds.

H
is lips eased toward mine and my heart thundered in my ears. I felt like we’d never kissed, never touched, never loved. And then they feathered ever so gently. Across my bottom lip, my top, both. I was adrift in a sea of emotion and my fingers tightened on his shirt, my only lifeline to this reality.

My head swirl
ed with the feel of him. His fingers were still on my shoulders; virginal, fierce, fiery. I needed them to sweep across my shirt and onto my skin. I needed his touch.

H
is lips feathered back to center again and I waited for the awakening of his tongue, but he withdrew, his lids hooded and sleepy. His breath came fast and I fumbled with my keys, desperate to get us inside. But then his hands trapped mine and his eyes were boring into me. “Goodnight.”

My breath
caught in my throat and I choked, then swallowed until I could force the words out. “But . . . ”

“I’ll call you.” He
pressed a kiss to my cheek and he was down the stairs and rounding the hood of his car before I could process what had just happened and what I’d done to screw this up.

I forced my eyes away from the porch as I pulled out of her driveway but she was riveted to the spot, watching me, wondering what the hell just happened, and I had no explanation.

I was
terrified and running scared. I always meant to leave her at the door tonight with a kiss. All part of my plan to take it slow. But then dinner went so amazing, and I fell head over heels in love with her again. Leaving her now would do nothing to save my heart if this went bad again, but my salvation was still intact—at least for another minute.

Three times I
circled the block—headed back to her house—and each time I managed to get my grip on the wheel under control before I drove back down her street. She was probably still standing there and then I’d just look like an idiot.

I
was an idiot.

Both for letting her back into my life and for driving away tonight.
I’d been a mess for days. Ainsley was about to have my head over what an unfocused douche I’d been since the night she signed me—the night I went to Sasha’s and revived this entire relationship like Dr. Frankenstein. Tonight was vindication that raising the monster of our relationship was the right thing to do, but I was still a mind-fucked case over her. I loved her so much and I’d do anything to protect her, and right now, I’d turn my entire life right back over to her if she asked.

I was
terrified she’d ask.

I play
ed a good tough-guy and made her think that I had my shit together and if she made me choose I’d leave her standing in my rearview mirror, but that was so far from the truth.

I
swung into the park where we ran and pulled over in front of that infamous bench. I leapt out of my car. Panic pressed my throat closed and my heart was in a vice grip that tightened with every beat. I gasped for breath and collapsed onto the bench. Head in my hands, I searched for a solution before I passed out.

I
had to trust her.

With my heart, my life. All of it.

The tightness in my chest constricted until I couldn’t draw breath. My fingers dug into my chest and I swore I was having an old-man heart attack. With one word, Sasha could incinerate my entire life. All of it. Gone.

I was
a fool for putting her in that position of power again.

But
I was helpless to stop it.

There
was no me without her.

And while the music was good when she left, now I
knew what I was capable of and I knew it would be a thousand times better with her.

Because heartbreak
wasn’t sustainable.

But love
was.

And I love
d her with everything I had. More than music. More than my family. More than singing in front of a live crowd.

Like a punctured balloon, the tightness in my chest explode
d and I could finally take a breath. I gulped in air and the pain eased, but there was still a fullness to my chest that had nothing to do with panic.

It was
my ever-expanding adoration for Sasha.

I lean
ed back against the bench. I loved her, man.

I love
d her.

I s
at on the bench for another minute, not quite sure if this fullness in my heart was going to ease up, or if I was going to have to walk around like this for days. I closed my eyes and inhaled measured quantities of air until I felt normal.

The
cadenced footfalls of a runner eased the tension in my chest and I listened for the other sounds of the coming night. As my own self-centeredness fell away, I heard the symphony surrounding me, the swish of leaves against one another, the melodic cry of a night bird waking for his day, the splash of tires on a road beyond the boundaries of the park.

The runner
neared my bench and I was going to look like an ass sitting there all dressed up with nowhere to—

“Oh!”

My eyes blasted open at Sasha’s quick inhale. She was standing at the end of our bench, hair pulled back, makeup stripped off, running shorts replacing the mini skirt. There was a light sheen over her skin and I was instantly aroused.

“Hi.” She look
ed startled and confused. I should have done something to ease her worry, but I was still barely hanging on myself.

“Nice night for a run.”

“Well,” she cocked one hip, looking defiant and a little supercharged. “I didn’t have anything else going on tonight. Needed some way to burn up all this excess energy.”

I hear ya, babe.
I hear ya.

Loud . . . and . . . clear.

And just like that, she was the Sasha I remembered. The Sasha who stole my heart at that very first concert, that very first waffle, that very first run. Defiant, proud, amazing.

Not
this one of late who’s been scared, unsure, weak.

The one who’s been around since we met her dad.

Her chin tipped up a few inches, daring me to say something and I realized I hadn’t responded vocally to her barb that I’d left her standing on her porch, nearly begging me to ravage her.

I look
ed left then right. When I spoke, the words were a low melody. “Nice night for other things.”

The blush
staining her neck and kissing her cheeks made me smile and I draped an arm across the bench.

“Is that why you’re here?
” She opened her arms to indicate the park. “Midnight trysts in public places your thing these days?”

There
was a lot of fight in her tonight and I was insanely turned on at the thought of her unleashing that in a far more productive manner than running. “Maybe.”

She stiffen
ed and I loved the way her shoulders fell back and her chest puffed out like she was ready to take on the world and kick it right in the shins. She wasn’t about to take any shit from me and maybe that meant she was going to fight for us this time.

“Okay, well, I gotta go.”