Backstage Pass: All Access (7 page)

I ease
d myself downward and as he slid inside I could barely breathe. My head fell back and I gripped his waist. He filled me until I thought I was going to explode and then his hips began to move and my breath caught in my throat. We found our rhythm and I rode him so fast that our sweaty bodies were moving together in a practiced symphony. Then his hands came loose and he flipped us over and tugged my leg up high and settled it on his shoulder. He drove us into oblivion and my entire world threatened to shatter. He looked amazing, so powerful and strong.

One arm
lifted and he gripped the headboard. Every single muscle in his arm bunched and strained. The tie dangled loosely from his wrist and it thrilled me to know that he could have gotten out of my weak knot at any time but he let me be in charge tonight.

He thrust against me again and our skin
slid together and my world imploded. I screamed his name as he moved inside me. Then he squeezed his eyes shut and his entire body convulsed and he moaned my name.

He gently
lowered my leg and kissed my eyes, my forehead, my cheeks. “I love you so much, Sasha.”

I
could only stare up at him as I fumbled for the words. He curled up beside me and tugged the bedspread over us. A gentle kiss at my temple as I cozied up next to him. “Sasha, I’ve loved you from the very beginning.” I turned my head and kissed him back.

“Thanks for letting me figure it out first.”

He smiled and nuzzled my cheek with his. “Every time.”

***

The morning was every bit as sweet as the night and I woke in Jesse’s arms. He made love to me again and then we ordered room service. I didn’t want the day to end, but as we rounded the corner to noon, he sighed. “Babe, I didn’t want to go, but I’ve got to be on a bus in three hours.”

“I thought we
had a couple days?” I didn’t want to pout, but I totally sounded like a whiney baby.

He tosse
d his phone on the bedside table and raked a hand through his hair and down his face. “I thought so too, but Ainsley just texted and said they’ve added a new stop which moved the tour up.” He tugged on a lock of my hair. “You okay with this?”

I smile
d brightly even though my insides were a trembling mass of goo.
Hell no I was not okay with this.
This was the downfall of our entire—

I clear
ed my throat and took a breath. We’d be fine. This was nothing. Nothing we couldn’t handle. I inhaled again and slid over next to him. He wrapped his arm around me and cradled me against his chest. While he finger-painted invisible markings on my arms, I tried to memorize everything about that moment. “How long will you be gone?”

“Six months.”

My heart careened off my ribcage. I wasn’t sure how I would survive, but I would somehow. That didn’t mean I had the strength to lie to either of us in this moment though.

“But we ha
ve a break when we hit Chicago. If you could take a break from classes and come out, I’ll get you the ticket . . .”

The offer h
ung between us and I knew he was trying to make this easier, trying to give me a way to align this to cover my fears. Again, I forced my enthusiasm. “Of course.” I propped myself up on one elbow and spread my hand across his chest. “That would be great. Could I see the concert too?”

“Front row, baby.” He
lifted my hand and kissed the tips of my fingers. I settled back into the hollow of his chest because I wasn’t sure I could handle any more rocking of my boat for a bit.

We
got up and got dressed and before I knew it, he was kissing me goodbye and climbing on a tour bus. The rest of the band was there, looking wary but accepting of my presence. They probably figured I couldn’t hurt him when he was a thousand miles away.

And they
were right.

Once again, I ha
d no idea how I survived the onslaught of feelings and emotions over the course of the next few weeks without Kerri. Jesse and I talked on the phone nearly every night before he went on stage, and he texted me when he got back to the hotel, even when it was 4 a.m.—and it usually was.

Kerri
moved out of her place and split her time between my place and Axel’s. As much as she hated to admit it, she had totally fallen for him, and I couldn’t be happier for them. They were an amazing couple and this kept things tight and normal for me—no outsiders, no mess.

By the time Chicago roll
ed around, I was feeling pretty confident, but I was so horribly nervous. Kerri and Axel dumped me at the airport four hours before my flight just because I was a fricking basket case and they couldn’t stand it any longer. Kerri promised to text me but after the first dozen from me she blew me off by going to a movie with Axel. Couldn’t say I blamed her. I’d become a maintenance nightmare. Thank God finals were next week. I had no idea if I was going to pass this year.

The Windy C
ity lived up to its name and by the time I made it to the hotel I was soaked and cold and looked like ass. The hotel wouldn’t give me a key to Jesse’s room because they said every girl within a four mile radius had used the same story and they didn’t care that my driver’s license matched what he’d put on the reservation form. Until he personally came down and vouched for me, there was no letting me up.

I reserve
d a room of my own that was one floor below his and went upstairs to check in, chill out, and freshen up. He was supposed to be meeting me at four-thirty and the concert started at seven.

After pacing the room for thirty minutes, I finally
took a shower and then fell asleep for an hour and woke up at three. Twenty minutes to get dressed and then I was sitting on the edge of the bed waiting, waiting. I checked my phone for the hundredth time but it still had plenty of battery and service. By the time the knock on the door finally came, I was half climbing out of my skin.

I race
d to the door and yanked it open without bothering to ask who it was.

It
wasn’t Jesse.

It was
a short portly man who looked like he was a road dog when my dad started touring.

“Ms. Sasha?”

I nodded.

He hand
ed me tickets and a backstage pass. “Jesse sends his regrets that he couldn’t personally pick you up. Here’s your ticket and pass. He’ll meet you back here one hour after the concert. There’s a car downstairs waiting. The same car will collect you precisely ten minutes after the concert. Any questions?”

Um, about a thousand.

I shook my head and took the tickets and pass. “No questions. Thank you.”

He
smiled a sad smile like he’d seen my type a thousand times. I wanted to rail at him that I was not who he thought I was and I’d lived this life since the day I was born. But I didn’t. Because I hadn’t. I closed the door and my eyes. Drew a deep breath. This wasn’t that life.

This
was my life.

Our life.

Roadie could take his judgment and shove it up his ass. I bit my lip. The car was waiting downstairs, so I gathered my purse and did a final check in the mirror. I prayed I didn’t look like a groupie, and when I texted Kerri a picture of my outfit she said I looked like a princess. I wasn’t sure that helped.

The car. Like a bloody limousine car.
I wasn’t sure who ordered this, but good heavens I was trying not to get used to all this spoiling, but it was hard. We parted waves of fans and entered the building through a lower entrance and I was escorted backstage and got to wait at the edge of the stage while Jesse and the guys warmed up and did their mic checks.

I
took a breath and tried to calm my pounding heart. I needed to relax, and stat.

They move
d around with practiced movements from years of setting up their own gear in every seedy bar and club back home. He’d told me that they’d hired a staff of roadies to do all this for them but he hadn’t gotten used to delegating it and it helped him calm down before the concert.

He
saw me and waved.

I smile
d and a surge of rightness filled me. Everything was going to be okay. They finished their set and he rushed over. “Hey, babe. I’m so glad you made it.”

“Me too.” We
clung to each other and then I found my poise and tried to act like a reasonable adult instead of a groupie. “I didn’t want to interfere with practice. Do you want me to hang out somewhere else?”

The rest of the band shuffl
ed around uncomfortably and I knew they’d prefer if I vanished. Tonight was a big deal and I wanted him to be able to prepare like he needed. He drew me closer. “You’re the best. You could hang in the lounge until the concert starts. I think there are a few people in there already.” He kissed my cheek and I let him hold me for one more minute, then I scooted.

I f
ound my way down the hallway and into the lounge. Um, he could have been a little more specific about the “few people.” I’d call them groupies for ease of identification. I sneakily took a few pictures and texted them to Kerri. She was full of snark and uplifting helpfulness. The groupies didn’t pay me much mind and I definitely didn’t waste any energy on them.

I kind of wish
ed I’d have thought through this plan of mine. Of course Jesse wouldn’t have time for me before the concert . . . but I had wanted to see him so bad. I fidgeted with the edge of my purse and thought about calling Kerri and sharing what was going on but I didn’t have anywhere private. My confidence in my ability to do this wavered. It was one thing to sit at home imagining all these groupies waiting for him, but quite another to sit here watching them and listening to them coo and talk about his voice and body and ugh.

The concert finally
started and I exploded from the room and raced to my seat. I felt numb to everything but Jesse, like I was in a tunnel and he was at the end, singing only to me. I tried to hold my jealousy when his end of the tunnel included a groupie reaching and stretching to touch him. In the end, the only thing that soothed me was that his attention always came back to me. By the time the concert ended, I was a nervous wreck and grateful for the driver and quick escape from the building. I let my head fall back against the headrest. I couldn’t do this again. It was nice to see him, but the torture of watching him with the band and the women was too much for my poor heart. Far better to create scenarios in my head for torture than watch the live version.

In my room, I change
d into something more casual and ordered room service. It was going to be a couple hours before the guys got back to the room. I assumed they had to do a meet and greet—no way I was going to stick around for that. Ugh—signing boobs, giving kisses, smiling, hugging.

I sh
ook myself and jogged around the room. It wasn’t very big, but I managed a couple sprints between the door and the air conditioner—enough to burn my surge of adrenaline. Room service came and went, I rented a pay-per-view movie and fell asleep in the middle. When I woke up, it was two a.m.

I la
id there for a minute and tried to remember where I was and if I was supposed to be anywhere, and then I remembered that it was not me who was not where I belonged. I checked my phone. No texts. Not one. Not one single text.

I jump
ed out of bed and paced. I wasn’t sure what to do. Jesse was supposed to call when he go back so I could come up to his room and not have to stay in this one by myself. But maybe they weren’t back yet. I threw on clothes and grabbed my cell and room key, then headed down to the lobby to see if he’d been down to vouch for me. In the elevator, I swore I hear giggling and laughing coming from the floor upstairs so I changed plans mid button-push and headed up to see if I could find him up there.

When the doors open
ed, it was to such a crush of people that I nearly felt backward into the elevator. I shoved my way through the drunken laughing party-goers and scanned the faces for anyone I knew. I finally saw Scout making out with a blonde who was probably twice his age. I tapped him on the shoulder. He ignored me. I did it again and didn’t stop until he lifted his head. “Wait your turn—oh.” His eyes cleared a bit as he tried to focus on me, but I could tell he was still working out who I was and where I belonged. Then it clicked and he clumsily snapped his fingers. “Jesse was supposed to call.”

He smack
ed his forehead. “I forgot to remind him.”

My face
pulled tight in a fierce glare. He could have at least tried to make the lie sound convincing. “Bullshit. Thanks a lot, Scout.”

He
didn’t bother to retort, but went right back to kissing the groupie and I pushed past him. Now that I knew they’d made it back, I just needed to keep searching for Jesse until I found him. I moved through one room and then another. There were bodies everywhere in every state of undress. Even in my dad’s day it wasn’t quite this overt—or maybe he had just had the good sense to shield me from it. I was kind of hoping for the first and that this hadn’t been the rock star norm for decades.

I was
about to lose my cool when I entered the last room. Jesse hadn’t been in a single bedroom, bathroom, or closet along the entire hallway. I was starting to think maybe he was down in my room, and then I rounded the corner into what must have been his suite.

And stop
ped dead in my tracks.

A tall blonde
in a red miniskirt was trying her best to stick her tongue down Jesse’s throat and her hand down his pants at the same time. I wanted to vomit. My entire body clamped down and I couldn’t run or move or slap the back of her head like I wanted to.

Jesse
came up for air and saw me, then managed to peel the blonde off him and look ashamed. I crossed my arms and raised my eyebrows in question.

“Hey babe.”
His words slurred and he could barely walk to me let alone in a semblance of a straight line. He was smashed beyond smashed.

“Hi.”

He wrapped his arms around me, but I was stiff and unyielding. “Whatcha’ doin’?”

I nearly ben
t out of his grip because I couldn’t handle the slurring and wobbling and smell of his thick alcohol breath. Plus he’d been smoking.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I yank
ed his arms off me. “You’re smoking now?”

He stare
d blankly, then blinked. “No.”

“I am,” the blonde purr
ed and held out a box of smokes. “Want one?”

I stare
d from the cigarettes to her mouth to Jesse’s. The implication of how he smelled like her cigarette smoke was clear. I grabbed his arm and pulled him into the master bathroom, kicking two couples out in the process. Jesse made another grab for me, but I easily evaded his drunken attempt.

“Are you mad?” He s
at down heavily on the toilet.

“
I’m trying really hard not to be, Jesse.” I crossed my arms and paced the floor.

“Where have you been, I thought you were coming up here after the concert.”

I didn’t want to tell him that I’d fallen asleep and end up giving him even a micro-inch of leeway. This wasn’t about me. “I was waiting for you to call. I thought you were going to text me when you got back here.”

He slap
ped his forehead. “I forgot. Scout said he was going to go get you and then by the time I saw him again—I, well . . .” He reached for me and now I was mad. “I’m sorry.”

I
shook my head and stood there seething. Someone pushed through the door and I spun, but they took one look at me and backed out of the room.

“I should go.”

He jumped up and crossed to me. “Don’t. Please don’t go. Help me down to your room so we can talk.”

I want
ed to leave. I wanted to go all the way home and deal with this when he was done with the tour, but I knew if I left now we would never get this put back together.

“Where’s the fighter, Sasha?
Get mad. Don’t run.” He kissed my hair, my cheeks, my ears. I could still smell her smoke and another surge of nausea gripped my guts. Before we did anything he had to shower and get the skank off of him.

“Everyone will
see you. There’s no sneaking out of here.”

He
tipped my chin up and sobered up just long enough. “Then hold your head high, walk out of here, and know I’m right behind you.”

I stare
d at him and tried to figure out if he was telling the truth and at the same time weighing the odds of us actually being able to pull that off. He cradled my face in his hands and I wanted this to work. I knew what this was going to look like when I took him back, and while I was super not okay with him macking on anything in a skirt, for now I needed to focus on getting him out of here before we handled that new rule. “Stay behind me. I’m not stopping and I’m not coming back for you.” I prayed he was sober enough to hear the other message behind what I was saying.