Backstage Pass: All Access (3 page)

I pound
ed a bottle of water and gulped in lungfuls of the cool air behind the stage. Holy shit I was exhausted. Scout and the other guys slapped me on the back with congratulatory praise. As the next band took the stage, I got lots of high fives and “right on”s but I was struggling to stay upright in the flood of emotion. I wasn’t sure I could belt these out like that every time, but maybe the originating heartbreak lessens with repetition and I didn’t have to sink into it every time.

I spot
ted Ainsley talking to Scout and he waved me over.

“Hi.”

She held out her hand and I think we exchanged pleasantries, but everything was blurring together. I wondered why she was here and who she was representing.

“
Sasha sent me your demo and when I was planning my trip I saw you guys were playing tonight.” She grinned and crossed her arms. “I’m really glad I caught the show. You’re amazing.”

I
felt like I was in a dream. Scout was puffed up like he’d won the lottery and I felt like I was being tossed around like debris in a tornado. Why would Sasha have finally sent the demo? I shook that off and tried to focus on what Ainsely was saying. “Yeah. Good to see you. I’m sorry she took so long to get that to you.”

She
waved my apology away. “No worries. I was up to my armpits in crazy until this week anyway, so I wouldn’t have been able to listen to it.” She glanced around. “Do you want to go somewhere and talk?”

I
sagged in the hard seat of Row J, Seat 25. Further down, the janitorial staff picked up debris and swept up after the concert goers who’d long ago vacated the building.

That had been the most emotionally draining concert
I’d ever experienced. Every song that came out of Jesse was like a punch to my guts. No one writes songs like that unless they’ve experienced heartbreak, and I also knew far too well that the writing was the catharsis that made it possible to survive. Jesse had not only written the words, but he’d put the most perfect accompaniment ever with them, perfect in the torture they’d inflicted on me.

Kerri and Axel sat quietly
further down the row. They’d stood at the end of the concert with the expectation that they’d go backstage and try to find him again, but I hadn’t been able to move. What I wanted to do was curl up on the floor in a little ball and cry myself out to next Thursday. I hadn’t gone there yet, still holding out the small hope that he was coming back.

But t
hose songs had made it clear he was never coming back.

Now
I had to figure out if I was going to pursue him or walk away.

Walking away would be easier.

I glanced down at Axel and Kerri. Kerri was sitting in his lap tugging on the tuft of chest hair peeking out over the collar of his shirt. What had started as a rebound was quickly turning into a serious deal. I was happy for them, after all they were my best friends, but it made my own plight cut that much deeper. I stood and waited for them to notice.

Kerri scrambled out of Axel’s lap and raced over. “You okay?”

I nodded and forced my tears to stay put. “Yeah. Sorry. Let’s go.”

Axel stood. “I don’t think we should go talk to—”

“No!” I held up a hand. “Don’t say that name anymore. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about him, but I need a That-Guy free zone for the rest of the night.”

Axel looked worriedly at Kerri and
she turned back to me, a forced smile on her lips. “Of course. Let’s go.”

I
let them escort me back to the car, following numbly. At the house, Kerri decided to give my some time alone and headed out with Axel. The pounding silence of my rooms forced me outside.

I
closed the screen door softly and tucked my hands inside my sweatshirt sleeves. When I glanced up toward the end of my sidewalk, a sharp sting of déjà vu stabbed me in the heart.

Jesse stood at the end of
my walk, hoodie pulled up, hands deep in his pockets. I stared and froze, unwilling to do anything that might send the apparition away. His piercing blue eyes stared out from beneath the shadow and I searched for the right thing to say.

“Were you t
here?”

I
moved to the top step and braced my hands on the porch column. My words clogged in my throat. “Yes.”

He took a step closer and
my heart lurched. I had to do whatever I could to make him stay. If there was any possibility of getting him inside the house I had to do it. But how? He hated me.

And he was over
me.

“Do you know who else was
there?”

A cold sweat raced down
my spine. Had I screwed something else up? Who else could be there that would have had any impact on him? My fingers tightened on the pole and I shook my head.

He moved up
my sidewalk. His graceful strut was overshadowed by a wariness that I’d never seen before. One I’d put there. My heart broke a little bit more. Whatever I’d done to him, there had to be a way to fix it.

“Ainsley.”

I blinked. “Really?” Of all the responses I’d imagined, having Ainsley show up at his concert hadn’t been on the list.
That was good, right?

He paused at the bottom step and
impaled me with his intense gaze again. “She took me out for a chat after.”

“Oh.” A million questions surged in
to my brain. But I just wanted him to stay, so picking the right one to start with was critical. Indecision froze my words.

“Don’t you want
to know what happened?” He climbed the steps and leaned against the opposite side of the porch. “Since she’s the reason I came here?”

I
choked and clung to the pole. Right then it was the only thing keeping my upright. “Please.”

He tipped his head toward the door. “Should we go inside?”

My heart leapt. I didn’t want to read anything into his being here, or his wanting to go inside, or his wanting to talk to me. But it had to be a start, didn’t it? I nodded.

He held the door for
me and I eased past him, making sure not to touch him. I was afraid if I did, I’d fall at his feet and beg him to take me back. But I wasn’t above it. First, though, I really did want to know what had happened with Ainsley.

Jesse walked through the living room and sat at the dining room table.
My feet faltered. We’d never even used it when he was here. I glanced over my shoulder at the cozy couch where we’d spent so many nights of our dating life . . . and realized the table was a ridiculously appropriate choice. The last thing I needed was memories of where we’d been clouding a discussion about where we were . . . which was a humongous leap on my part and one I needed to quench right this instant. He’d come to talk about Ainsley, not about us or where we were.

But that didn’t stop my heart from hoping
there was going to be a segue into a chat about where we were going.

His gaze flicked quickly to the couch then back to me.
“I wasn’t going to come.”

I eased into the seat beside him and scooted back so I wouldn’t brush our legs together. “Why did you?”

He rubbed his fingers across the grain of the table, then pierced me with those eyes and slid his hoodie back. “I needed to know why you sent the demo after you’d worked so hard to hide it.”

I surged to the edge of my chair. “I didn’t hide—” I bit my lip and commanded myself to chill the fuck out. Getting defensive wasn’t the way I needed
things to go. The point was that Ainsley had apparently liked it enough to contact him. That had been the whole point and if I was trying to make amends, I needed to focus on the important stuff. I took a breath and tried again. “I never meant to keep it from her. After you left . . .” I bit my lip and looked away. “I felt like such an ass I wanted to do whatever I could to fix it. I’d always meant to send it.”

“
It just seemed like a weird reaction. You had to know what was going to happen after she heard it.”

“I hoped I did.”
Please, please let their meeting have been a good one.
No matter what it meant for our future, I needed to have remedied this for him.

“Well,
I wanted to say thanks. I made her a new one and sent it, but it was the one that you sent that actually made it to her. Apparently you sent her a note too?”

A fire-warm blush surged up my neck. I had put a note with it
—nothing short of begging her to give him a shot. I bit my cheek and nodded.

“She signed us.”

“Oh my gosh!” I wrapped myself around him in a giant hug before I realized what I was doing. He patted my back and I jerked away. “Sorry. I’m just so—Jesse, that’s fantastic!”

“The guys are pleased. They
’ve put in a ton of hard work.” His voice was subdued and not filled with the elation that should have been there after just getting signed. I didn’t know how to fix it. I wanted to ask him why he didn’t seem thrilled, but I was so afraid of his answer.

“So what’s next?”

“She’s putting together a tour for us. I guess we record this new stuff and then hit the road as she releases it—kind of a simultaneous launch.”

My hand covered his forearm and I squeezed. “Jesse, that is so fantastic.” I really meant it. This was a dream come true for him . . . even though it meant he was headed on the road just like I’d always feared—and without any time to even prepare. Ainsley
was phenomenal at her job, so I had no doubt that she’d put together the perfect tour and they’d skyrocket to fame. This was a spectacular moment for him.

“You don’t seem as excited as you should be.”

He shrugged and dropped his gaze to the table. “It’s different than I thought it would be.” He cleared his throat. “Not having anyone to share it with sucked, to be honest.”

“What about your parents?”

“They were super excited.”

I smiled at the thought of them
celebrating the news. There was no doubt that it would be something at a Level 10. “I’ll bet.” So what was he skirting around? I didn’t know how to ask him. I thought I’d given him enough of an opening there, and he’d never been shy about sharing his feeling with me . . . at least not before.

“Why didn’t you send Ainsley the demo before?”

I blew out a breath and looked away. “I was scared.”

“Is that what I can expect from you when you’re scared?”

I shook my head. “I panicked. This is all so new to me. I really didn’t do it on purpose—”

He snorted.

“No, I’m serious. I did hesitate, but I didn’t deliberately bury it on my desk . . . I just forgot.”

He lifted an eyebrow. “Pretty important thing to forget.”

I ducked my head sheepishly. “I never said it was a good mistake. I panicked in the moment and didn’t want to send it right away . . . and it was right before we left for your parents’. I thought I’d send it when we got back . . .”

His fingers made patterns across the top.
“I don’t know where we go from here, Sasha.”

My stomach clenched in a giant knot of pain and regret.
I didn’t either, I just knew I wanted there to be a ‘we.’ My fingers grasped the edge of my chair and I gravitated closer. “I’ll do anything.” My voice was a strained whisper.

He glanced up. “That might not be good enough.”

I grabbed his hand. “Please, Jesse. Please give me another chance.” His gaze roamed my face and I pleaded with my eyes.

“How do I know you won’
t hurt me again?”

My heart cracked at the hurt and anguish that still lingered in his voice,
coloring his words. Both emotions were justified. I’d acted like a dick when I should have been supporting the one thing that ruled his entire life. I would have been pissed beyond measure if he’d have asked that of me—and forgiveness would have been out of the question. I squeezed his hand. “I can only promise.”

“And what if Ainsley wants to represent me? What if she has a deal lined up for me? What then? Are we back to this place where you sabotage my career just so you don’t have to deal with the hard stuff?”

“No. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve also figured out how truly important music is in my life.”

He rolled his hand over so our fingers entwined. “It’s my whole life, Sasha. Don’t
ask me to choose again.”

My heart jumped in my throat but I wasn’t sure if he was saying what I was dying for him to say. “Are we back together?”
I asked hesitantly, not able to look him in the eyes as the words fell out of my mouth.

His thumb stroked
across my skin. “Do you want to be? Do you want what that means, Sasha? Are you willing to accept all of me?”

I nodded. “Especially the musician part.”

He pulled me into his arms and I clung to him. Tears sprang to my eyes and he stroked my back. I pressed my lips against his neck but he pulled back. “We need to start over at the beginning.”

I nodded, but couldn’t
let go. I was so afraid that if I did, something would happen and this wouldn’t be real. If he was going to give me this second chance I was going to have to give it my everything.

He pressed a kiss to my cheek and I savored the feel of his lips against my skin again. “Do you want to go out sometime next week?”

I blinked. “I thought—I thought you might stay.”

He stepped away, but kept our fingers linked. “I want to take this slow. I want to make sure that this time we build a foundation that will sustain us
so we can work our way through these kind of things.” He looked away and drew my fingers up to his lips. “I shouldn’t have left, Sasha. I should have stayed and worked it out.” His gaze flicked to mine and I warmed beneath what I saw there. “Forgive me?”

My heart tripped and all my emotions clogged in my throat. Only Jesse would be asking for forgiveness when I was the one who should be groveling and begging for his. I
launched myself at him and wrapped my arms around him. “There’s nothing to forgive. I’m the one who screwed up.”

He threaded his fingers through my hair and held me tight against him. “Doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have run.”

“Doesn’t matter.” My heart swelled as I echoed back his words. We were going to be okay. We were going to be okay