Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (7 page)

I face Jax, who leans
against the stainless steel counter tops. Even though he’s trying
not to show it, I know he’s uncomfortable. Jax has never been one
to sit idly. He needs a task and I need help.

I point at the white
apron hanging on a hook on the far wall. “You’ll need to put that
on if you’re going to be of any use.”

“You’re putting me
to work?” he asks but he struts his way to the apron.

I walk to the fridge to
snag the ingredients. “Yes, I’m in need of an assistant.”

I feel him behind me
but I pretend that I don’t. I swallow loudly. “Can you grab the
butter and cream cheese?”

He reaches in front of
me for the items. I suck in a breath as his hard chest presses
against my back. Desperately I want to melt into him, but I can’t.
I don’t deserve happiness. I stole away theirs.

I direct Jax to
everything we will need. As he sets the bowls in front of me, his
other hand trails down my spine. It takes every ounce of will power
to not shiver at the contact.
Happiness
is for everyone else but me
. Jax watches the movements of
my hands as I pour the first batter into the cupcake tins. Hopefully
he’s paying attention because he’s doing the next batch. As I
wipe a paper towel over the extra batter on the tin, I can feel him
studying me. I focus on the task at hand.

An hour and a half
later, I have Jax —who is covered in flour— pull out the
cupcakes. He sets them in the cooling area as I directed. He’s the
perfect assistant. Perfect as in, drops everything and makes a mess.
Weird, since he usually has such steady hands. I won’t allow myself
to think it has to do with me. As hard as it is to not become lost in
the moment with him, I hold myself back.

The frosting is
suddenly the most important thing in the world to me right now. I dip
in a tasting spoon. Just a little more vanilla and it’s perfect. As
I drizzle in the vanilla, Jax’s long finger swipes at the frosting.
I slap his hand away.

“It’s not like this
is going out there!” He licks the frosting off his finger.

“It was before you
did that!” I can’t even pretend to be angry with him. Said too
soon. My tongue seeks out the frosting that is falling off my nose.
“Really, Jax? What are you, three?”

I’m struck speechless
as his tongue cleans up the mess on my nose that he created. Jax
looks from my eyes to my mouth, causing me to chew my lower lip. He
lets out the most erotic growl from the back of his throat that I
feel all the way to my toes. I suck in a breath and stay as still as
possible. I’m not even breathing while Jax caresses my check with
his frosted finger tips. Leaning into his touch, I close my eyes and
welcome the sensations he brings me by just this simple act.

I want to pretend that
I can be happy for once, that my memories don’t haunt me. I want to
cherish this moment with him. I want to let go of my past more than
anything for this one moment. Deciding that I’m going to allow
myself some freedom from my demons, I open my eyes, ready to give
myself over to him.

I don’t know who
leans in first, but suddenly we are as close as possible without
melting into each other. Forehead-to-forehead, nose-to-nose,
breathing each other’s air, we stare into one another eyes. After
several seconds without moving, Jax finally makes the next move.

It’s as if he can’t
hold back anymore, either. He kisses me so quickly that I don’t
even notice he’s making a move until his lips are on mine. All too
soon, he’s gone.

Even though I could
feel his urgency in the kiss, it was surprisingly soft. So soft that
if I wasn’t watching him, I would have never known that he kissed
me. I need more, that barely-there kiss isn’t good enough. Of
course it was perfect, I doubt that Jax can do anything that isn’t
perfect, but I need more to relieve this tension building inside of
me. I lean into him again, but Jax shakes his head, face full of
regret.

If I was someone else,
someone that wasn’t able to shut off their feelings at will, then
the ways he’s rejecting me now would kill me. Thankfully the second
I see the guilt on his face, I shut down. I’m not even surprised
that he’s feeling guilty, that he doesn’t want me. Who would?

I’m broken.

I will never be good
enough for Jax.

Jax surprises me again
by bestowing that beautiful smile of his and giving me another quick
kiss on the lips. Then he seizes his phone from the front pocket of
his jeans. I was so caught up in the moment that I didn’t even hear
it ringing. That’s something that always happens when Jax is
staring into my eyes. The world disappears whenever he’s near,
making it nearly impossible to remember why we shouldn’t be doing
this.

Jax’s body goes rigid
when he sees who’s calling him. I know that whoever it is has
ruined our moment. Rubbing his hands across his face, he lets out a
deep breath before sliding his finger over the screen.

“Yeah, Logan.”

And just like that, an
entire bucket of ice is poured over me. Hearing my brother’s voice
on the other end of the phone certainly puts a stop on anything that
was about to happen. Which I’m thankful for as Sam could have
walked in here at any second.

“No, she’s fine,
man. Of course.”

I pull the first tray
of carrot cake cupcakes towards me. I concentrate on frosting them as
Jax talks to my brother. I try to put distance between us, but it’s
impossible with his hand on my thigh. With him touching me, the white
walls seem to be closing in. There’s not enough air. Every breath I
breathe is full of Jax’s woodsy scent. It’s torture.

“I don’t know, I
don’t think she has it on her, let me check.” He turns to wipes
the last dab of frosting off my cheek. “Phone in your room?”

I glance at the phone
on the counter in front of us. I’m about to point to it, but then I
realize what he’s doing. He’s covering for me. With all the
emotions swirling in my head, I don’t trust myself to speak, so I
nod.

I ignore the cupcake in
my hand and study Jax as he speaks to my brother. I can’t believe
he’s lying to my brother for me. Wow. I’m speechless.

“Yeah, I knew they
were going to try to do that. Handle it and have everything sent over
to Peter.” He bends down and bites the barely frosted cupcake that
I’m working on.

My attention is once
again brought to the cupcakes. I avoid listening to the rasp in his
voice and focus on my next task. Frosting the bunny ears is my
favorite part. I used to put them on the cupcakes I made Jax because
of
The Velveteen Rabbit
,
his favorite book when we were children.

I attempt to reach for
the light brown frosting that Jax made, but he beats me to it. He
slides the bowl into my waiting hands. As our fingers touch, I think
it’s an accident until he grips mine for a second, letting me know
it was intentional. That simple graze of our fingers sets a fire
within me. My mind wanders as I scoop brown frosting from the bowl
and into the vinyl decorating bag.

Is it possible for Jax
to still view me as more than Logan’s little sister? Maybe after
all these years, we have a chance. I shake that outrageous idea out
of my head. It doesn’t matter how he sees me. I won’t let
anything happen. He deserves so much more than me. He deserves
everything.

I lick my upper lip as
I concentrate on creating the ears just right. I bite my cheek to
keep from smiling. It’s just bunny ears, not the Mona Lisa, but I
still can’t help beaming when Jax gives me his winning grin.

“Of course, man, I’ll
work from here until you’re back. I understand . . . I know. Okay,
see you in a few days.”

Jax hands his phone
over to me. Reluctantly, I press it to my ear.

“Hey.” I can’t
seem to say anything else because I’m watching Jax butcher the next
cupcake.

Cupcake-decorating is
not a skill he’s mastered.

Logan’s voice jolts
me back from the happiness swelling inside me. “Adalynn?”

“What? I’m sorry
Logan I dropped the phone,” I say lamely.

“I just want to make
sure you’re doing okay with everything. I worry about you when I’m
gone.”

“Logan, it’s just a
sprained ankle, I’ve suffered from a lot worse over the years. You
don’t need to worry.”

“You know that’s
not what I’m talking about, Addie.”

“Yeah I know, I was
just trying to make you feel better. I. AM. FINE.” I enunciate each
word so that he knows that I mean it.

When he doesn’t say
anything for awhile, I pull the phone away from my ear to make sure I
didn’t accidentally hang up. Wouldn’t be the first time.

“I just worry about
you, Addie, you’re all I have left.”

I know that Logan
doesn’t tell me this to make me feel bad, but I can’t help
feeling worthless regardless. Our family is dead because of me. I
don’t need the reminder, it’s not something that I can easily
forget.

I choke out, “I
know,” before my throat starts to close.

I know that Logan can
hear the pain in my voice because he curses. “That’s not what I
meant, Addie, and you know it!”

Swallowing a few times,
I force myself to breathe deeply and let it out slowly. “I know,
Logan, it’s fine, it’s the truth.” He tries to interrupt me,
but I cut him off. “Look I just took my meds and I’m really
tired. I’ll call you tomorrow. I love you.”

Please
just let me off the phone, Logan, I can’t handle this right now.

“Yeah of course, love
you too, baby girl.”

I hang up. Before Jax
can say anything I whisper, “Can you take me home now please?”

The last thing I want
to do is fall apart at work. Getting lost in the sweet smell of the
bakery while decorating cupcakes doesn’t have the same effect on me
as it did minutes ago. All I want to do now is curl up in my bed and
get lost in the memories.

He must see how much
I’m dying inside because he nods and works on cleaning up. I close
my eyes, and by the time I open them again, the kitchen is spotless.
You can’t tell that we’ve been in here for almost two hours. It’s
almost laughable how easy it is to erase something. I hear Jax
speaking to Sam, but they’re too quiet for me to understand
anything being said.

The cab ride is a blur.
I’m barely aware of his arms around me while the endless amount of
guilt suffocates me. As Jax helps me out of the taxi and into my
apartment building, I’m losing my mind. I want to be strong enough,
but I’m sinking fast. The memories that I work so hard to keep
buried are rushing to the surface.

My body trembles from
the emotional pain I’m intentionally causing myself. The memory of
waking up in the hospital with Logan by my side is so powerful that
reality disappears. I’m suddenly back in that bleak hospital room
while he struggles to tell me we’re all we have left.

I
woke up a little over twenty-five hours ago, but I haven’t really
been here. I’ve been in and out of sleep the entire time, trying to
piece together what happened, but my mind won’t let me. Everything
is confusing.

Logan
sits in a chair beside my bed, clutching my uninjured hand. I know
that whatever he is going to say is bad. Really bad. He has tears in
his eyes and he hasn’t talked about our parents, or Hadley. Not
once. Every time I bring them up, he just shakes his head.

I
have no idea what he means. “No” as in he doesn’t know yet
because they’re not stable yet, or “No” because . . . I won’t
let myself go there. I already know our dad is dead, there’s no way
he could have survived.

My
body convulses as I remember all the blood. The broken glass. No, he
didn’t survive. Even though I know that he’s dead, I knew it
before someone rescued us, I still pray that I’m wrong.

I
allow myself to hope for the best, that maybe by some miracle he did
survive like the rest of us. That they were able to stop the bleeding
and give him a transfusion. He had to have survived, I can’t live
without his help.

He’s
my hero.

My
dad didn’t die.

He
wouldn’t leave me.

“
I-I-I
don’t know how to tell you this . . .” He stops talking, tries to
compose himself.

I
whisper, “Logan it’s fine, we’ll get through this together.”
I wait for him to nod.“Now tell me what it is, how’s everyone
doing? I haven’t seen Hadley since they put her in a different
ambulance. Is she doing okay?”

I
struggle to speak because my throat still hurts from not using it for
two weeks. He holds out my water for me to sip. I swallow a few
times, testing my throat. I wonder if it will ever stop hurting; even
with all the meds they have me on, everything aches. It’s as if I’m
reliving the accident without realizing it and I’m going through
all of that pain, and desperation to escape again and again.