Beautifully Shattered (The Beautifully Series Book 1) (8 page)

After
I am able to speak again without it hurting so much, I ask the
question that I’m dreading. “Are Mom and Dad . . . ar-are they
okay? Di-did they make it?” That had to be the hardest question I
have ever had to ask. I was barely able to put the words together.

Logan
doesn’t say anything for awhile and when he finally does, I wish he
didn’t. Ignorance is bliss.

“
They
didn’t make it.”

The
tears in his eyes fall while I just stare at him, shocked. He
squeezes my hand tightly but I hardly notice.

“
Does
Hadley know yet?”

When
Logan looks into my eyes, his face full of so much remorse, it’s
then that I know.

“
NO!
NO! NO!” I scream over and over again until a nurse hurries in and
gives me a sedative. The last thing I see before my lids close is the
unmistakable torture in my brother’s blue eyes.

I
did this.

He’s
alone because of me.

I
killed them. I killed Hads.

The memories begin to
float away as Jax whispers, “It’s gonna be okay, I’m here,
Ads,” and suddenly I’m in the present again. The memory was so
strong I started screaming, not just in the flashback. My entire body
quivers and I feel like all of the air has been sucked out of the
room. It takes me a moment to realize that we’re back in my
apartment. I have no recollection of riding the elevator.

Jax holds me tighter to
his chest and tells me, “Take deep breaths in and out for me.”

I’m barely able to
hear him, I have no control over my mind right now. I’m sucked back
into the past. It’s a welcome pain.

Connor
and Jax wait by a nearby tree outside the cemetery gates. I can’t
open the car door. If I open it, it’s real. I want to stay in here
and pretend that this is a nightmare, that I’m still asleep in the
hospital.

The
sun shines, it’s a perfect day in Southern California. Not even the
wind blows. Today should be a perfect day, but instead it’s the
worst day of my life. Today I have to come to terms with what I
failed to do.

Logan
reaches over and clutches my hand. “I’m right here, I’m not
going anywhere.”

He
pulls me into a hug, but I barely feel it. I’m numb. This isn’t
real. It can’t be. Logan gets out of the car after letting me go. I
make no move to take off my seatbelt. No, I’m not ready, I can’t
do this.

I
lock the car door. No, I won’t go through with this. If I don’t
face it, it’s not real. They’re not dead. I’m going to wake up
any minute now. I refuse to believe that I killed my family.

My
voice is hoarse as I whisper the first words since the nurse sedated
me days ago.“No, they’re not dead.”

A
knock on the door stops me from having a full-blown panic attack.
Turning my head, I see Jax. Logan stands in the front of the car with
Connor. Logan looks how I feel, utterly broken.

I
did this.

I
broke him.

I
destroyed our family.

I’m
struggling to breathe when Jax says, “You’re stronger than you
think, Ads. YOU. CAN. DO. THIS.”

He
unlocks the door, opens it and kneels in front of me. He sets the
Stargazer Lilies on the floor next to him before he fits my hands in
his. As he says, “We’re all here for you, you’re not alone,”
my eyes are transfixed on the bouquet at his feet. When did we pick
those up? How long have they been in my hands?

He
lifts my chin, pulling me out of the silent battle between forgetting
everything, and not wanting to ever let the memories go. The pain in
his sad eyes resemble mine. I caused him pain, too. All I do is hurt
people with my selfishness.

“
Don’t,
Ads. This is not your fault. Don’t blame yourself for surviving.”

Surviving.
Yes, I’m a survivor, that’s what the doctor told me, too. Too bad
I feel like I’m dead inside. I ignore Jax because I don’t want to
fight. If I tell him what I’m really thinking, we will just argue.
I’m too tired to fight with him. I’m tired of everything.

“
This
can’t be my life . . . it can’t. I can’t . . . I-I-if I go with
you, it will be real, they will really be gone . . . I don’t know
how to live without them.”

Jax
squeezes my hands. His voice breaks as he says, “It’s already
real, Ads. It already happened, you can’t change that. You need to
do this, we don’t need to rush, we can go when you’re ready.”

Jax
doesn’t say anything else and neither do I. There’s nothing to
say. I know he’s right. This is real and I have to face it. Deep
down I know that I have to do this, I just don’t know how. I feel
like I shouldn’t be allowed here, I shouldn’t get to say goodbye
to them, it’s because of me that they’re dead. After minutes of
sitting in the car with my hands clasped in Jax’s, I finally nod.

“
It’s
time.” I whisper more to myself than him. If he’s surprised at
hearing me speak, he doesn’t show it.

My
legs feel like Jell-O. Jax supports most of my weight. If it wasn’t
for him I would have crumbled to the ground. Logan and Connor walk
from the front of the car to where Jax and I are standing.

Logan’s
tear-strained face would break me if I wasn’t already dead inside.
“I’m ready.”

Logan
nods. I cling to him with Jax grasping my free hand as we make our
way to our family’s graves. I hate that I’m making them all
relive the pain. I wish I was strong enough to say goodbye on my own,
but I’m not. I wasn’t even strong enough to save my family.

When
Logan told me that our family was dead, I didn’t cry, I haven’t
cried a single tear since I woke up in the hospital two weeks after
the accident. But when we reach their graves and I see Hadley’s
name etched onto her headstone, I lose it. I fall to my knees and
bawl my eyes out. I gasp for breath.

The
world around me disappears.

All
that is left are three graves.

Three
lives lost because of me.

“
I
did this,” I choke out.

Logan
crouches beside me to tell me something, but I don’t hear him. I
barely see him. I can only see the three headstones.

I
cry for everything that I lost.

The
mom that I lost . . .

The
dad that I lost . . .

My
little sister . . .

And
finally I cry for myself . . .

The
night of the car accident, I died with them. I never made it out
whole. Now I’m just a shell of a person. I don’t know how long I
stayed like this, kneeling on the ground in front of my sister’s
grave, but eventually the world starts to come back into place. I’m
still crying, silent tears now, even though inside I’m screaming.
The pain is all-consuming.

When
I look at my brother, I see how much I have broken him. Connor and
Jax are in silent agony, watching our world fall apart and not being
able to do anything but witness it, all because of me.

I
did this.

The first thing I
notice when I open my eyes is the stained-glass stars Logan hung
above my bed. Jax’s rhythmic strokes through my hair makes it
easier to breathe. Even though I’ve been lost in my memories, he
didn’t leave. Being wrapped in his arms brings me comfort that I
don’t deserve. I feel his lips at the top of my head, but he
doesn’t say anything. He’s letting me know that he’s here for
me while I relive the past. I squeeze him as tightly as I possibly
can, hoping that the nightmares won’t punish me tonight if he’s
here.

As I watch my stars
twirl on the invisible string, I will myself to relax. Whenever my
memories weigh me down, I come here. I can lay here for hours and
have the beautiful stars make everything else disappear. It always
reminds me of when I would sneak out and lay on my roof and stare at
the night sky.

“I love you, Ads,”
Jax whispers into my hair.

My chest constricts
painfully. How I wish he meant those words in the way I wanted.
Without taking my gaze off my stars I whisper, “Love you, too.”

We don’t say anything
else to each other for the rest of the night. Jax’s fingers running
through my hair lulls me into a heavy, dreamless sleep.

Life was slowing
getting back to normal. I went to work, saw my brother and Connor
regularly, and tried to ignore the fact that I haven’t seen or
heard from Jax since he left my apartment three weeks ago. It’s
getting embarrassing how many times I have attempted to call him, but
always hang up before the call goes through. Connor insists that Jax
is busy with work, but my gut tells me that he’s avoiding me.

I’m finally able to
work-out again, which is good since it occupies my mind for a little
while. I have a feeling Jax is avoiding me because of everything that
happened. He treated me like I meant more to him again, which of
course means avoidance at all cost.

Today I decided to
surprise Logan with lunch since I know he’s been working more than
usual after taking so much time off to visit. I’m glad that I
brought my iPad because my brother is working through lunch so that
doesn’t leave a lot of time to talk to him. I don’t mind, of
course I know that he’s a busy man, and I couldn’t be more proud
of everything that he has accomplished. Trinity, has flourished since
the guys started the business in college.

I zone out, thinking
about our parents. I’m picking at my pasta without actually eating
it when Connor sneaks into Logan’s office and blows into my ear.

“AHHH . . . Holy
shit!” I jump out of my chair, spilling pasta all over the floor in
the process. I whirl around to an amused Connor.

I’m steaming! I hate
that he always scares me. I’m about to rip him a new one when Jax
storms into the office, looking like he is going to kill someone.
Seeing him brings such a shock to my system that I’m barely aware
that I’m blatantly staring at him. I have no idea what I was about
to say to Connor.

Jax comes to an abrupt
halt when he sees that I’m the reason for the obnoxious scream.
Time seems to stop. Everything evaporates and the only thing that is
left is Jax and me. The need to touch him is so powerful that my hand
shakes from the sheer force of keeping it at my side and not reaching
out.

Connor clears his
throat, jarring me out of the trance. Logan types away at his
computer, thankfully missing the encounter. It isn’t until Logan
notices the silence that his head snaps up.

“What’s going on?”
He studies the three of us.

Jax bumps his shoulder
against mine, in a friendly way. “Ads is mad because she’s a sore
loser and I beat her at poker when I stayed at her house.” He
shrugs, smoothly lying. “I think she learned her poker skills from
you.”

After a few more
minutes of awkward silence, Logan engages Connor in a discussion over
a new technology prototype they are considering purchasing. I can’t
help but stare at Jax as if I’m seeing him for the first time. I’ve
witnessed him lying before in the past, daily, but there’s
something about this time. Usually I can always tell when he’s
lying. This time, I can’t. If I wasn’t there, then I would
believe him. Have I always been oblivious when it comes to him? Has
he always been able to lie so effortlessly and I just now noticed?
What else is he hiding?