Beauty for ashes: receiving emotional healing (20 page)

In Mark 8:34 Jesus teaches us that in order to follow Him, we must deny ourselves, and our way, and choose His way. My way was to take care of myself. His way for us is to deposit ourselves with Him and learn by experience that He will never

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fail us or forsake us (see Hebrews 13:5). In order to learn truth, I had to first give up my way.Like a Weaned Child

The psalmist must have been aware of the same things we are discussing in this chapter on breaking addictions when he wrote: "Surely I have calmed and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with his mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me [ceased from fretting]" (Psalm 131:2). He even mentions his soul being weaned.

The soul is often defined as the mind, will, and emotions. We see from this scripture that these areas may become addicted to certain types of behavior just as the body may become addicted to certain types of substances.

By denying my mind the privilege of worrying and reasoning, I was weaned from my mental addiction just as a baby is weaned from its bottle or pacifier. And even as the baby has fits of crying and trying all sorts of ways to get the bottle or pacifier back, I also had fits of anger, crying, and self-pity. I even had occasional attacks of fear, but I continued to conform myself to God's way until I was totally delivered from following my way.

Jesus said that He came to release the captives (see Luke 4:18), and that he whom the Son has set free is free indeed (see John 8:36 kjv).

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Intimacy and TrustFor A person who has been abused, intimacy is often very difficult. Intimacy requires trust, and once the trust factor has been destroyed, it must be restored before intimacy will be comfortable.

Since people always hurt people, we cannot depend on others never to hurt us. I cannot tell you, "Just trust people; they won't hurt you." They may not intend to hurt you, but we may as well face the reality that people hurt people.

As I have already mentioned, my husband is a wonderful, kind, easygoing man; yet, there are times when he hurts me, just as there are times when I hurt him. Even people who love each other very much sometimes hurt and disappoint each other.

It took many years beforeIwas comfortable being intimate with my husband and could honestly say that I enjoyed our sex life. I was so fearful of being hurt and taken advantage of that I could not relax. My basic attitude was, "If we must do this, then let's just get it over with, so I can forget it and go on to something else." Of course, my husband could sense my attitude,

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even though I tried to hide my true feelings and pretend that I enjoyed our sexual relationship.My attitude made Dave feel rejected. Had he not been a mature Christian who had some discernment from the Lord about what was going on in me, my attitude could have done severe damage to his concept of himself as a man, let alone as a husband. He once said to me, "If I were depending on you to tell me what kind of a man I am, I would be in serious trouble."

I am grateful that the Lord gave me a mature Christian man for my husband. I am grateful that I did not destroy him while I was being healed. So often, troubled people marry troubled people. After they have destroyed each other, their problems are transferred to their children, who in turn become the next generation of troubled, tormented people.

For many years I evaded the issue. Deep down inside I knew that I needed to deal with my attitude regarding sex and intimacy, but I continued to put it off month after month, year after year. Do you have a tendency to put off things that God is trying to get you to deal with? We do that because some issues are too painful even to think about, much less go through.

Finally, I made the decision to stop procrastinating and to face the truth. In this situation the truth was as follows: (1) I had a problem, but I was punishing Dave for it. (2) He had been very patient with me, but it was time for me to deal with my problem. (3) As long as I continued to behave as I did, the devil would continue to defeat me because I was allowing my past to affect my present and my future. (4) Putting off dealing with the problem would be nothing more than direct disobedience to the Holy Spirit.

Of course, I was very much afraid; I did not even know how to begin. I remember crying out to God, "But how can You expect me to trust Dave? What if he takes advantage of me? Or what if . . ." The devil never runs out of "what ifs."

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I specifically remember the Lord saying to me, "I am not asking you to trust Dave; I am asking you to trust Me." This put a totally different perspective on the situation. It was easier for me to trust God than people, so that is where I started.I simply committed to do whatever the Lord showed me in my heart I was to do and to trust Him with my feelings about it. For example: I always wanted the lights out while Dave and I made love. I recall that in my heart I came to realize that I should leave them on, and so I did. That was difficult, but once I did it a few times, it got easier and easier. Now I am free to leave the lights on or turn them off; it does not matter anymore because I am not hiding from anything.

Another example: I never would approach Dave to show any interest in having sex with him. There were times when I desired him; my physical body had a need, but I would not approach him. I began to realize that when I felt that I wanted him, I needed to take some action to let him know. This was particularly difficult for me because I always felt that sex was wrong or dirty, because that was the way it had been initially presented to me in my childhood.

My first sexual experiences were perverted, so my attitude toward sex was perverted. Mentally, I knew that sex was originally God's idea, but I could not seem to get past my feelings. Once again, taking "obedient action" broke the bondage, and now I am free in this area also.

Please understand that when the Holy Spirit is prompting you to do something, He is doing it to help you, to bless you, and to set you free in some way.The Holy Spirit is the Helper and only has your good in mind.People may hurt you, but God will not. Some of the things He leads you through may hurt for a while, but God ultimately will work them for your good.

As I continued this process of choosing to do what the Lord

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was showing me, I enjoyed progressive freedom, and so will you. There were many instances too numerous to mention here, but I think you understand what I am talking about. You will have your own situations to face, and the Holy Spirit will walk you through your healing process concerning intimacy and trust.Refuse to live the rest of your life in a prison of suspicion and fear!

Trust the Lord

I know I have said this in other places in this book, but I feel prompted to say it again. The main thing that helped me this area of trust, as well as in other areas, was simply to realize that God is not asking us to put our trust in people, but Him.

We can also learn to trust people in a balanced way. If' get out of balance, we will get hurt. Often, God uses these situations to teach us the wisdom of keeping relationships balance.

In dealing with this issue, I often look to Jeremiah 17:

Thus says the Lord: Cursed [with great evil] is the strong man who trusts inandrelies on frail man, making weak [human] flesh his arm, and whose mindandheart turn aside from the Lord. For he shall be like a shrubora person naked and destitute in the desert; and he shall not see any good come, but shall dwell in the parched places in the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land. (was. 5-6)

Think about these verses. They say bluntly that wearegoing to find curses (trouble) if we give man the trust the

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rightfully belongs to the Lord. The arm of the flesh mentioned here can be referring to trusting self as well as trusting others.When I look to myself to meet my needs, I fail; and when I look to others to meet my needs, they fail me. The Lord requires that He be allowed to meet our needs. When we look to the Lord, He often uses people to meet our needs, but we are looking to and depending on Him-not the people through whom He works-and this is the balance He requires of us.

And now the good news: "[Most] blessed is the man who believes in, trusts in,andrelies on the Lord, and whose hopeandconfidence the Lord is. (v. 7)"

There were times in the past when I would feel discouraged and get angry at the people around me because they were not giving me the encouragement I needed. As a result, I would have a resentful attitude of self-pity that my family and others could not understand. It certainly did not result in having my needs met because I was looking to people when I should have been looking to God.

The Lord taught me that when I needed encouragement, I should ask Him for it. As I learned to do that, I discovered that He would provide the needed encouragement through the source He chose. I learned that it was not necessary for me to put pressure on relationships in an effort to get from people what only God could give me. The next verse in this passage announces the hope that we have if we put our trust in God:

For he shall be like a tree planted by the waters that spreads out its roots by the river; and it shall not seeandfear when heat comes; but its leaf shall be green. It shall not be anxiousandfull of care in the year of drought, nor shall it cease yielding fruit, (v. 8)

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This verse assures us that as we place our trust in God instead of the frail arm of the flesh, we will becomestable.I emphasize this word because it is very important to our discussion. There can never be any real enjoyment in life without a sense of stability.Let these verses encourage you to place your trust in God and not in people.Do not look to others to meet your needs; look to God. Anything people may do to you, God can fix.

One final thought concerning intimacy. God has created all of us to thoroughly enjoy one another. In particular, the Bible says that a husband and wife should enjoy each other, as written in Proverbs 5:18, "Let your fountain [of human life] be blessed [with the rewards of fidelity], and rejoice in the wife of your youth."

Part of enjoying your spouse and your marriage is enjoying intimacy. Take a step of faith and realize that fear of being hurt is hurting you more than facing that fear and finding freedom. Trust God with the people in your life. You may not be able to handle them, but He is able.

The Importance of Balance in Relationships

Ask yourself if you have any relationships that are out of balance. Is there anyone in your life on whom you are depending too much? When you have problems, do you run to the throne or the phone? Are you looking to people to keep you happy, or are you looking to the Lord?

I recall a time when I was attacked by fear that something might happen to my husband. I began thinking,WhatwouldI do if Dave died?It was a panic-filled type of thinking, which was unusual for me. I had never even considered what I would do if Dave should die before I did. Like most women who have

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good marriages, I depend on my husband a lot. Dave is good to me, and as I thought of all the things he does for me, I became more and more panic-stricken.Then the Lord spoke this to me in the depths of my heart: "Joyce, if Dave died, you would keep on doing exactly what you are doing. It is not Dave who is upholding you and causing you to do what you are doing, it is Me; so put your trust in Me, where it belongs. Trust Dave, but do not get out of balance."

One final example I would like to share with you concerns a certain friendship and working relationship in my life. Sexual intimacy is not the only kind of intimacy that needs to be restored to wounded people. Those who have been abused often experience difficulty in maintaining any type of relationship. Their marriage relationship is affected, and Satan also seeks to use their hurts and disappointments to ruin all their close relationships.

Like many others in the world, not only was I abused in my early years at home, but even after I had gotten away from that situation, I continued to be easily hurt by nearly everyone I encountered. When I finally got married and joined the church, I thought that surely church people would not hurt me. I soon discovered, however, that the pain did not stop just because I was a church member. In fact, in some instances, it became more severe. The result for me was that I did not trust men because it was a man who had hurt me, which affected my marital intimacy. I had also been hurt severely by friends and relatives at various times, so I honestly was afraid to trust anyone.

As the years went by and Dave and I got involved in full- time ministry, a couple came to work for us who were definitely sent by the Lord. They were anointed by God to be "armor-bearers" for us. That means that they prayed for us regularly; they worked side by side with us, and were available

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to do whatever needed to be done, whenever it needed to be done. They were very good to us, and they made our lives a lot easier.The scope of our ministry would have been much different if we had not had this wonderful couple, or someone like them, to help us. Because of the years of hurt I had experienced, I did not open my heart too readily, but as time passed, I came to trust these people very much and to depend on them quite heavily.

One day I read the scripture in which the psalmist said, "Even my own familiar friend, in whom I trusted (relied on and was confident), who ate of my bread, has lifted up his heel against me" (Psalm 41:9). I knew that verse applied to me and began to wonder who the Lord was warning me about. I knew He was trying to show me something, because I kept supernaturally coming across the same scripture repeatedly. I was convinced that God was saying something. I began to wonder if He was showing me that it was this couple who was going to hurt me., ^