Beauty for ashes: receiving emotional healing (16 page)

Iforgive(name)for

(whatever was done to you). Ichoose to walk in Your ways, Lord.I loveYou, and I turn this situation over to You. I cast my care upon You, and I believe You for my total

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restoration. Help me, Lord; heal me of all the wounds inflicted upon me.There are many scriptures that tell us that God vindicates (see Isaiah 54:17). God is the One Who recompenses us; He is our reward (see Isaiah 35:4). He is a God of justice, which only He can bring. He alone can repay you for the hurt done to you, and He alone is qualified to deal with your human enemies.

The Bible encourages believers to live at peace with everyone, trusting God to look after them:

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave the way open for [God's] wrath; for it is written, Vengeance is Mine, I will repay (requite), says the Lord. (Romans 12:19)

For we know Him Who said, Vengeance is Mine [retribution and the meting out of full justice rest with Me]; I will repay [I will exact the compensation], says the Lord. And again, The Lord will judgeanddetermineandsolveandsettle the causeandthe cases of His people.

It is a fearful (formidable and terrible) thing to incur the divine penaltiesandbe cast into the hands of the living God! (Hebrews 10:30-31)

One of the main truths the Lord spoke to me while I was dealing with the forgiveness issue was this: "Hurtingpeople hurt people!"

The majority of abusers were themselves abused in one way or another. Often those who were raised in dysfunctional homes create a dysfunctional atmosphere in their own homes.

When I looked at my own life, I saw the pattern. I had grown up in a dysfunctional home, so I was creating a dysfunctional atmosphere in my own home. I did not know any other way to behave. This realization was a tremendous help to me.

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Hurting People Hurt People!I really do not believe that my father understood what he was doing to me emotionally, nor do I believe that he realized he was causing a problem for me with which I would be dealing most of my life. When I first confronted my father about what he had done to me, he acted as if he felt his actions were normal. He had been abused as a child, and a spirit of incest was motivating him to do what he had seen other family members do.

I was nearly fifty years old before God instructed me to talk to my parents about the abuse I had endured. I did not really want to talk to them about it, but God said it was time to do so. My father showed no regret at that first confrontation, and it seemed clear to me that he was doing what many people do who are not born again-living selfishly, satisfying their own perverted and demon-controlled desires, with no regard for the consequences of their actions. My father was simply determined that he was going to get what he wanted no matter what it did to me or anyone else.

In talking with my parents at that time, I realized that it did not matter that my father was not sorry, it was still important for me to tell him I forgave him. Forgiving him released me to move on.

We should remember what Jesus said as He hung on the cross suffering for things that were not His fault but were the fault of others, including the very ones responsible for His torment. He said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do" (Luke 23:34).

It is easy to judge, but the Bible tells us that "mercy exults victoriously over judgment" (James 2:13). I do not mean that abusers are not accountable for their sins-all of us must be willing to take responsibility for our own wrongdoing. The Lord shared with me that mercy sees the "why" behind the "what." Mercy and compassion do not look just at the wrongdoing; they look beyond to the person doing the wrong to the childhood, the

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temperament, and the entire life of the individual. We must remember that God hates sin but loves the sinner.I had so many problems in my personality that it caused many people to judge and reject me. Jesus never rejected me, nor did He judge me. My sin was judged for what it was, but God knew my heart. Sin is sin, and my actions were wrong, no matter what caused them. But God knew that as a woman abused for fifteen years during her childhood, I was acting out major wounds-and He had mercy on me.

Isaiah prophesied of the coming Messiah: "He shall not judge by the sight of His eyes, neither decide by the hearing of His ears" (Isaiah 11:3).

Often in my teaching, I show people a picture of a geode. This rock is hard, ugly, and crusty on the outside, but it is magnificently lined with beautiful blue and amethyst crystals on the inside.

Crusty Exterior of RockBeautiful Interior of Rock

Looking only at the exterior, who would ever have thought that all that amazing beauty lay just below the surface? That is the way people are. God sees the inside of us. He sees the possibilities. He sees into the spirit. Everyone else sees the outer man. Unless we are trained by God to see beyond what can be perceived with the natural eye, we will always live with judgment in our hearts.

Remember: Hurting people hurt people!

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Blessing Your EnemiesJesus was quite clear about what we are to do to those who hurt us:

But I tell you, .Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you. (Matthew 5:44)

Invoke blessings uponandpray for the happiness of those who curse you, implore God's blessing (favor) upon those who abuse you [who revile, reproach, disparage, and highhandedly misuse you]. To the one who strikes you on the jaworcheek, offer the other jaworcheek also; and from him who takes away your outer garment, do not withhold your undergarment as well. (Luke 6:28-29)

Paul also instructed believers to forgive others, saying, "Bless those who persecute you [who are cruel in their attitude toward you]; bless and do not curse them" (Romans 12:14).

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As I began to minister to people, I noticed that quite often they would express a genuine desire to forgive their enemies but would admit that they were unable to do so. I went to God in prayer seeking answers for them, and He gave me this message: "My people want to forgive, but they are not obeying the scriptures concerning forgiveness." The Lord led me to several passages about praying for and blessing our enemies.Many people claim to forgive their enemies, but do not or will not pray for those who have hurt them. Praying for those who have wronged us can bring them to a place of repentance and a true realization of the harm they are causing others. Without such prayer, they may remain in deception.

Pray for God to bless your enemies, those who abuse and ridicule and misuse you. You are not praying specifically for their works to be blessed, but rather for them to be blessed as individuals.

It is impossible for anyone to be truly blessed without knowing Jesus. As a victim of abuse, if you are willing to pray for your abusers, you will activate Romans 12:21: "Do not let yourself be overcome by evil, but overcome (master) evil with good."

Ask God to show mercy, not judgment, to your abusers. Remember, if you sow mercy, you will reap mercy (see Galatians 6:7). Blessing and not cursing your enemies is a very important part of the process of forgiveness. One definition of the word bless is to "speak well of," and to curse means to "speak evil of."

The Tongue and Forgiveness

When you have been mistreated, it is very tempting to talktoother people about what has been done to you. For the

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purpose of God-ordained counsel, this type of sharing is necessary. To receive healing, comforting prayer, it is also necessary to reveal what you have suffered at the hands of others. But to spread a bad report and ruin a reputation goes against the Word of God. The Bible teaches us not to gossip, slander, or carry tales. The writer of Proverbs 17:9 says, "He who coversandforgives an offense seeks love, but he who repeatsorharps on a matter separates even close friends."Quite often we exercise faith to receive healing from our hurts and, at the same time, we fail to obey the royal law of love. In Galatians 5:6, the apostle Paul tells us that faith works and is energized by love: "for love covers a multitude of sins" (1 Peter 4:8).

We can have a talk with the Lord about what was done to us. We can even reveal it to those to whom it is needful or necessary for some reason. But if we want to forgive and recover from hurts and wounds, we must not talk loosely about the problem or the person who caused it. The Bible warns us about vain (useless) conversation (see Matthew 12:36). Unless revealing our problem has some godly purpose, we must discipline ourselves to bear it silently, trusting that God will reward us openly for honoring His Word.

I recall the case of a woman whose husband of more than thirty years became involved in an affair with her best friend. He disappeared with the woman, taking the family savings. This was a Christian family, and, of course, the adultery and unfaithfulness were totally unexpected and shocking to everyone.

The devastated wife fell into the trap of talking about what her husband and friend had done to her, which was not an unnatural thing for her to do in the beginning. However, three years later, after she had received a divorce from her husband who had then married her friend, the woman was still not over the pain she had experienced. She married a wonderful

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man, who was very good to her, and she said that she wanted to forget the past and get on with her life, but she was unable to forgive and press on.Listening to a set of my teaching tapes on the subject of the mouth and the power of words, she realized that she was not getting well because she was continually talking to anyone who would listen about what had happened to her. Going over and over the details, she was always recalling the painful memories.

God showed me that some people pray for healing and even say, "I forgive those who hurt me," so He begins a work, a healing process. But they will not allow Him to complete His work because they keep re-opening the wound.

When a physical wound begins to heal, a scab forms, but if it is continually picked off, the wound will never heal. It may even become infected and leave a scar. The same holds true with emotional wounds. Talking about the hurt and the person who caused it is equal to picking off a scab. It continually re-opens the wound and causes it to bleed again.

One of the most helpful things God has revealed to me is the fact that forgiveness requires a discipline of the tongue. The flesh always wants to "repeat or harp on a matter," but covering the offense will bring good results.

If you do need to talk about your problem for counseling, prayer, or some other purpose, you can do it in a positive way.

Example: Which sounds more God-like?

"For fifteen years my father repeatedly abused me sexually. My mother knew about it and did nothing."

- or -

"For fifteen years my father sexually abused me. God is healing me. I am praying for my father. I realize that he had hurts in his past and was controlled by demonic forces. My

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mother knew about what he was doing to me and should have helped me, but she was paralyzed by fear and insecurity. She probably did not know how to face the situation, so she hid from it."I am sure you agree that the second example sounds more loving. A few well-chosen words can change the entire flavor of a report. Remember, if you want to get better, you cannot be bitter. If there is any bitterness in you, it is highly likely that it will show up in your conversation. The tone of your voice and your choice of words can reveal a lot about you, if you are willing to be honest. In Matthew 12:34, Jesus says that "out of the fullness (the overflow, the superabundance) of the heart the mouth speaks."

If you want to get over a problem, stop talking about it. Your mind affects your mouth, and your mouth affects your mind. It is difficult to stop speaking of a situation until you stop thinking about it. It is also hard to stop thinking about it if you continually talk about it.

Choose to do what you can do, and God will help you do what you cannot do. Do your best, trust God, and He will do the rest.

It may take some time before you can discipline your tongue completely. Start by obeying the "promptings" of the Holy Spirit. If you receive conviction from Him to be quiet, obey and you will receive a bit more freedom each time you do so.

Also be aware that Satan will try to tempt you in this area. He knows the power of words. Words are containers for power! The mouth is a weapon either for Satan or against him. That is why you must choose your words carefully. Satan will even use well-meaning, loving friends to bring up your problem in conversation. Use wisdom and discretion. Do not be caught in a trap that will open up your wound and cause it to start bleeding again.

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Trust God to Change Your FeelingsFeelings (emotions) are a major factor in the process of healing and the issue of forgiveness. You can make all of the correct decisions and, for a long time, not feel any different from the way you felt before you decided to be obedient to the Lord. This is where faith is needed to carry you through.

You have done your part and now you are waiting for God to do His. His part is to heal your emotions, to make you feel well and not wounded. Only God has the power to change your feelings toward the person who hurt you. Inner healing can be accomplished only by God, because He, through the power of the Holy Spirit, lives in you (if you are born again), and He alone can heal the inner man.