Before I Let Go (31 page)

Shelly got up and walked into my kitchen. “This kitchen has a woman’s touch. Who helped you decorate?” I didn’t answer, as I heard her open the refrigerator. “Can I have some of this wine, Cory? It’s unopened.”

“Of course,” I said over the music, which was flowing out of the speakers. I was leaning in the chair when she walked back out of the kitchen with two glasses of wine and the bottle. She also had a bag of baked Lay’s potato chips under her arm. She handed me a glass, which I didn’t need, because I was still tipsy from the drinks at Jasper’s. I was disappointed with myself for even driving home under the influence. When I drink like I had earlier, I usually stay wherever I am for at least a couple of hours, drinking water until my buzz wears off. In this case the alcohol felt like a blessing. I was dealing with a potentially loaded situation. I was wrestling with thoughts and memories that I had supposedly put behind me. The alcohol masked my nervousness, but was beginning to dull my resistance.

As I took my first sip of the white zinfandel, I stared right at Shelly, and she stared back. I wondered what she was thinking. I was thinking about Nina. She was probably home sleeping or waiting for me to call her when I finished up with the fellas. I wondered how she would feel knowing that her sister, who I had loved, and always would love in some kind of way, was sitting in my apartment.

I hoped that I was doing Nina a favor as I was preparing to break the news to Shelly for her. It had been obvious that she either wasn’t looking forward to it or was scared. As a matter of fact, it was apparent that she had been avoiding it. If there was nothing wrong with what we were doing, then why hadn’t we been open with Nina’s family? A baby and a wedding were supposed to be happy events that you share with your family. Instead, we were keeping it on the down low like a couple of adulterers. I had had enough of keeping secrets with Paula. It was time to come clean. And those were the exact words I said as I got out of the chair and sat down on the couch next to Shelly.

I
thought I was the one who was supposed to be dropping the news, but I sat on the couch with my mouth partially open and my eyebrows curled and twisted as Shelly continued to speak.

“Listen, Cory,” she said, placing her hand on mine. Her touch was warm and inviting. However, at the time it was only meant to be apologetic and calming. “I know I should have told you sooner. I just didn’t know how…or when would have been the right time.”

I shook my head no, finding it hard to believe what she was telling me. As the tears were running down Shelly’s cheeks she continued with her explanation. “Cory, you had made your mind up that you were leaving for school, and we hadn’t been getting along all that great, anyway. The last thing I wanted to do was slow you down. I knew…” She paused, sniffed, and then wiped her eyes. “I knew that if you knew that I was pregnant with your child that you would have changed your plans about going. You had so much going for you with all of those grants and scholarships. I didn’t want to stand in your way…I couldn’t have. I knew that I could take care of Amani on my own, and I was prepared to. Then I met Eric. I was so vulnerable, and he was just there for me at a time when I was really afraid.”

I was in shock. Shelly. There couldn’t have been a bigger bomb. I sat back into the couch and covered my face. Thoughts raced through my head. I ran over the last six years in my mind. I had been walking around living my life as a single man with no responsibilities except to myself. In a matter of seconds I realized that six years of parenthood had been stolen from me. In the next instant I felt hurt for my child.
Had she been okay all these years?

The first words I said were “Are you sure that she’s mine?”

“I’m positive. I was already a month and a half pregnant when I met Eric.”

“Does he know that he’s not her father?” I asked.

“Apparently he knew all the time, but he just never wanted to admit it to himself. Last Christmas his mother got angry during dinner and announced at the dinner table in front of everyone there, including Amani, that he had had an accident as a child that would prevent him from having any children, and that he was obviously in denial.” I was all ears as she continued to speak. “After that, he was never the same around me or Amani. It was such a coincidence that you had called the house that morning and asked for Nina. No one had so much as mentioned your name for three or four years. It was like a forbidden word. But after that incident at dinner, he never let it go.” She had stopped crying and was sipping from her second glass of wine. “We finally had a blood test in March. He said that he just needed to know before he walked out of our lives for good. I told him that he didn’t need one and that I knew Amani was your child, but he insisted anyway.” Shelly paused while she sipped her wine. “We’ve been broken up since then, and I haven’t heard one word from him. He mailed me a letter telling me that he had had his name removed from her birth certificate and that the Pennsylvania Department of Vital Records and Statistics would be sending me a new one for her.”

“Damn, Shelly. How could you do this?” was all I could say.

“Don’t worry, Cory. I don’t expect a thing from you.” Shelly stood up and walked to the balcony. While she stared out into the August night, she told me she’d wanted to tell me for a long time but she hadn’t because of Eric. She said that the funny thing about it had been that Amani never bonded with him the way that most little girls do with their fathers. She said that she had been surprised at how little Amani had asked about or mentioned the man whom she had always thought was her father.

“That’s not my concern. I don’t care about the money. What about her? How is she handling it? Hell. How am I going to handle it?” My face was down again. I then assured her that I would take full financial responsibility for Amani.

“It’s not necessary, Cory. Really. We’re fine,” she responded.

“Nonsense. Dandridge men take care of their responsibility. I owe you money. And Eric, too, I guess.”

“He’d probably take it right about now,” she laughed. “I know you’re probably making megabucks right now, Cory, but believe it or not, I do okay for myself. I have a master’s degree in guidance. I’m second in charge at the school I work at. I’m not hurting at all.”

She was so confident, even when she was putting herself on the line. I was dealing with the shock of the news that she had given me, and at the same time preparing to tell her about Nina and me. I contemplated putting off telling her about us. This had been a traumatic evening already. I thought about her claiming that she wouldn’t want any money from me after she heard my confession. “You might change your tune after I say what I need to say to you.”

She turned, looked, and walked back toward the couch. She stood in front of me with her arms folded. “What is it?”

“Sit down. Please.”

“I’ll stand,” she said, and turned back toward the window as I started my story, from the night at the party when I had seen Nina and thought she was Shelly. I told each detail of how we had just started out catching up on old times. Before long, Shelly was sitting on the floor by the table. Her third glass of wine disappeared, then her fourth, as she listened attentively. Her expression changed dramatically when I got to the part about sleeping together.

“I can’t believe this shit. How could you be with her, Cory?” I recognized the words that followed it as profanity in her native tongue.

“I…I’m…sorry. I didn’t think that it would make a difference after all of this time.”

“Bullshit. How could you think that? She’s my sister, Cory. Were you that hard up to be with me? You had to go after the next best thing, huh?”

“Shelly, that’s not how it was. It didn’t start out like that.”

“I ought to kick your ass, and hers. That’s foul.”

“As foul as you denying a child her father?”

That comment stopped her in her tracks, and she sat down on the couch. “Take me home, Cory.” The tears started, and I felt my heart sinking. I had caused so much pain. It was like the old days when I had said something to hurt her feelings.

She had always melted me with her tears. Things hadn’t changed, and I sat down next to her and began to stroke her back, trying to stop her from crying. To my surprise it didn’t take long for me to calm her down. Amid her tears she began to speak. She said, “Nina isn’t worth a damn, and you are just a typical man…my sister, Cory?”

She went on about how low down Nina was. She went back to the days when we first dated as undergrads, telling stories of how she had suspected Nina of having a crush on me back then. She even recalled finding a letter Nina had written to her fantasy man about how she wanted him to be the first to make love to her, but that Nina hadn’t put a name on the top. Nina had described how she felt whenever her mystery man came by the house, and how wonderful she had felt inside when he hugged her. Nina was only seventeen then, and no boys were coming by the house, but I had hugged her most of the times I went by to see Shelly. Shelly said that she had always known that Nina had written it about me.

Shelly just shook her head. “You know what’s funny?”

“No, tell me.”

“When I looked in your fridge, I said to myself, ‘What in the world is Cory doing with that butterscotch yogurt. He never liked yogurt. The only person I know who eats that is Nina.” She looked at me. “So are you still seeing her?”

“Yes.”

“Is it serious.”

“Yeah, it is,” I said.

Shelly’s lips tightened. “How serious?”

“Very.”

“Do you love her?”

“Yeah, I do,” I said, surprising myself.

“No, you don’t,” she said, getting up off of the couch and sitting next to me, forcing my body to slide over. “Because if you did, you wouldn’t have been looking at me the way you have since I’ve been over here.”

“Shelly, what are you talking about?” I said, as I leaned back and tried my best to look unfazed.

“This is what I’m talking about.” She stood up. “You don’t love her. The only reason why you have been with her is because you thought that you couldn’t have me.” Shelly had on a peach-colored silk blouse, which her fingers began to unbutton. “But guess what? You can still have me. I still want you. I never stopped loving you.” Her words overwhelmed me. I couldn’t believe she had said that. I was overjoyed to hear her say she still loved me, but sad at the same time. I had spent many nights dreaming of hearing her say those words, but I never heard them again until now. She still loved me, but I was with her sister now. I loved Nina and had to show it by being strong enough to resist Shelly.

“Love me, Cory,” she said, as her blouse slid off her shoulders and fell to the floor. My head felt light, as if all of the blood had rushed away from it. I couldn’t believe I was staring at Shelly, whose beige Miracle bra was getting paid for nothing. Believe me when I say it: This woman needed no miracles up there. “Tell me you don’t want me, Cory, and I’ll put my shirt back on. Tell me.” Then she started talking in Spanish, and my dick grew even harder.

“Just as I thought,” she said, as she unfastened her black linen slacks. And I watched them fall and hit the ground, revealing a sexy pair of thong panties. “Now, what are you going to do?” she said in Spanish, and sounded even sexier. I just sat there in a trance staring at Shelly. I watched her hips as she moved toward me. My mind began to race with indecision. I couldn’t do this to Nina. I shouldn’t even want to. It shouldn’t have even been up for debate.

The little devil on my shoulder was telling me to go ahead. She was standing over me with nothing on but her panties, bra, and Via Spiga sandals. One time for old time’s sake wouldn’t hurt anything. At the same time, the little angel on my right was warning me not to do it. I just closed my eyes and tried to be strong. The last thing I wanted was to hurt Nina in any sort of way. Shelly was only a breath away, and now what was I going to do?

F
inally, after all of this time, Kim believed that Nate was getting the picture. He was lying still in Kim’s bed at two in the morning, listening to her as she continued to talk. She had been pouring her heart out to Nate for twenty minutes.

“Nate, do you love me?” Kim turned on her side and asked him.

Without even the slightest hesitation Nate answered, “Yeah, baby, Ido.”

“Why do you love me now when you didn’t before?”

“I did. It was just different…I mean, I just wasn’t able to express…” Nate paused. “Why are you asking me all of these questions? What’s wrong, Kim?…I’m here…right, baby?” Nate propped his head on his pillow. “All of that stuff is in the past. You have to let it go.”

Kim sniffed. “I know. I know, but it still hurts. You disrespected me. You didn’t love me then, even though I loved you. I just don’t understand why. It’s like I wasn’t good enough then.”

Nate turned back toward Kim and kissed her forehead and began to rub her stomach and her breasts. Not in a sexual way, though. He was simply trying to ease her, and it always worked. After a few minutes she was silent, and her eyes closed as she tried to think things through in a state of semiconsciousness.

Kim smiled to herself. Nate was taking care of her the way a man was supposed to. She had been upset a few moments earlier, and Nate had taken responsibility for her emotions. It couldn’t have been any better had she written the script herself. Kim felt a quiet sense of self-satisfaction. Nate had not only come
crawling
back to her, as she liked to explain it, but it made her feel good to think that she obviously had been worth enough to him for him to make major changes in his outlook on relationships.

Since they had started seeing each other again there had been several noticeable changes in the way Nate now treated her. After making love to Kim, instead of jumping up to play video games, or rushing her off when she was at his house, Nate had begun to simply lie still and listen. Sometimes he would just listen to her breathing as she calmed down. Other times he would go as far as running his fingers through her hair and holding her. Kim had been forced to admit to herself and her friends that even she didn’t know where it had all come from.

Trina, portraying the wise and experienced best friend, had taken in the facts and given Kim her analysis over lunch at Crisfield’s one afternoon in September. “Honey,” Trina said, “maybe that negro has changed. Brendan told me that Nate had been seeing some model for a while and that he treated her good…. Hell, I didn’t believe that amodel worth anything would date Nate’s ass until I saw him in that Shawn Simmons video. But maybe she taught his ass how to treat a lady. I mean, damn, look at me…. I know that now, since Brendan is giving us a chance at working things out, I know I’m not going to blow my opportunity.” She’d gone on to insist that perhaps Nate had come to realize that Kim was everything he needd, and that he was going to do whatever it took to make things work, too.

The next morning,
Nate woke to the smell of bacon and eggs coming from Kim’s kitchen and the sound of his phone vibrating against the belt on his jeans.

“You hungry?” Kim asked, as she poked her head inside the doorway and saw Nate putting on his jeans.

“I could eat a horse right about now,” Nate said, pulling the laces on his Jordan’s.

“That would be a lucky horse,” Kim said. “I hope we’re talking female horse, too.”

“Real funny. I’m going to have to get you an audition for
Comic View
. But yeah, make me a bacon and egg sandwich.”

“How do you know that’s what I cooked?” Kim asked, sitting on the bed.

“I know what pork smells like.”

“You got a problem with pork, sir?”

Nate stood and headed for the bathroom. “Nope. As long as the pig ain’t still wiggling. Ya know what I’m saying?”

They both laughed while Nate washed his hands, and then they headed for the kitchen. Nate felt his phone ringing again, but when he looked at the number he didn’t recognize it.

“Do you need some privacy?” Kim asked him sarcastically, when she heard his cell vibrating.

Nate flipped open his phone and dialed his grandmother’s number. “Hey, Nana. What’s going on? Did you need anything?” Even though his grandmother hadn’t called him, he knew she would always jump right into a conversation with him and tell him of at least two items that she needed from somewhere. It was an old trick that had always worked to quell suspicions that arose when women saw he was reluctant to answer his calls.

“Okay, I’ll stop by in a little bit,” Nate answered. “Okay. All right. Bye bye.” He hung up. While the two of them ate Kim occasionally looked across the table at Nate, staring with admiration for the dedication that he showed his grandmother.

Nate left Kim right after he finished eating with the assurance that he would be back to pick her up to take her to the doctor’s office at three. He didn’t know it, but Kim had been having sharp pains in her side and she feared she might have a bladder problem, or worse. She’d had some tests run the previous week, and today she was going to get the results.

As soon as
Nate got into his car, he pulled out his cellphone. He was so preoccupied with returning the call that he pulled too far into the road and had to back up to keep from getting the front of his truck smashed.

“Yesss,” the voice on the other end of the phone answered.

Nate didn’t recognize the voice on the other end of the line. “This is Nate. Someone called me from this number.”

“Nathan, how are you, my dear? Long time no hear from…this is Shawn.”

“Shawn? Shawn from…?” Nate asked.

“Very funny. Shawn Simmons.”

Nate grew silent while he gathered himself. He couldn’t guess why she would be calling him now. “The one and only. How are you?”

She didn’t make him guess. “I’m good. Look, sweety, I’m in town on the way to New York this afternoon to do
106 & Park
, and I was wondering if you would come with me. I would really appreciate it.”

“Well, I kind of have something to do.”

Shawn huffed into the phone and told her driver, “Turn here.” Then she continued. “Look, Nate. I need you to do this. I don’t have an escort and I need you to go. Image is everything. All you have to do is stand around and look like you’re waiting for my every request.”

“I don’t know,” Nate began.

“Nate, I know that you’re not still upset with me about that stuff in New York with Sahleen. As I understand it you two still aren’t speaking, but hey, this is business. Besides, I’m through with her as well.”

“Oh, is that right?” Nate asked.

“Yeah. She’s not to be trusted. She’d screw her brother if she thought that it would help her get somewhere.” Nate didn’t reply. He truly was still stinging from what had happened. Shawn went on. “Shit, I found out that she’d slept with my sister’s husband in
her
house at a party we had there on the Fourth of July. Her husband is Phil Jeffery. He hires actresses for a couple of soaps, and he probably promised her a part. Sahleen is a real tramp.

“Anyway, what do you say? Can you help me out or what? I promise that if you do I will take
real
good care of you for the rest of the evening. I don’t go back to LA until Thursday. And I know that I’ll be lonely in that big old room down on Park Avenue. It could be just me and you…you know? Taking care of some unfinished business. We could even send Sahleen a picture thanking her.” Then she giggled.

Instantly Nate remembered Shawn’s naked body, and he began to cave in. As he drove toward his apartment Shawn filled his head with promises of a great time. It wasn’t long before he was gung-ho. The idea that he had put a little “come back” on the sex that he had given her made his chest poke out. Shawn explained that she wasn’t into women anymore, and that it had been the devil in her. She insisted that she was over it completely. She told him that she had thought about him often since that night but had been afraid to call him for fear of rejection. Imagine that.

Before Nate realized
how much time had passed it was after six o’clock in the evening and he was in Harlem at the studio with Shawn. He had ignored at least ten of Kim’s calls.

After being forced to go by herself to the doctor, she had been diagnosed with tumors on her ovaries and had been told that she wouldn’t be able to have children. Even worse there was the threat that they might even be cancerous. And as Kim lay across her bed in tears watching
106 & Park
on BET, she saw Nate sitting in the front row as Free gave him a shout out for his appearance in the video. At that moment she knew why Nate had stood her up.

Kim never answered the phone when Daphne called her from the salon, where BET was on the tube as well. Kim continued to cry as she took tablet after tablet of Percocet, a strong medication prescribed for severe pain, and washed them down with gin. She barely had enough energy to whimper, as her body grew limp when she drifted off. She thought she was speaking out loud, but then realized that it was only in her head that she heard herself repeating the words,
Nate doesn’t love me…He never will…I wish he would die…I wish he would die…I wish he would…I wish…he wool die…I…wush…he…woo…die…I…wus…he…wud…die.
She murmured inside of her own mind until all conscious thoughts had escaped.