Before I Let Go (32 page)

N
ate spent the night with Shawn Simmons after leaving the show at BET. It was so good that he ended up spending the next one with her as well, which was her final night on the East Coast. They seemed to genuinely like each other. Nate found the down-to-earth attitude Shawn had in spite of her wealth and fame intriguing. Likewise, Shawn liked Nate’s relaxed attitude toward life and his “street edge.” She wondered out loud a few times how he could afford to just hang out with her and never once mention so much as a job. It was obvious that he had money from the clothes he wore and the car he drove. In the back of her mind she suspected that he was a big-time drug dealer, and the notion only seemed to turn her on more.

When she invited him back to LA with her the next day, she acted surprised when he accepted. He didn’t leave a number anywhere, nor had he bothered to check his messages until he had been in LA for three days. He knew that he would hear Kim cursing him out about standing her up. He wanted to enjoy his little getaway before he dealt with the guilt trip he knew was coming.

It wasn’t every day that a brother off the streets of D.C. got to come out to LA and screw the hell out of one of the top R&B divas in the music industry, her treat. Shawn was like a kid with a new toy, and she took Nate out to all of the trendiest restaurants and clubs in town. Not to mention the shopping. Nate hadn’t been spoiled by a woman with any money before…real money, that is. The brother was in paradise. That is, until he checked his messages.

“You have thirty-seven new messages and three saved messages. Message number one is marked urgent. Press one to hear the message.”

Beep, as Nate pressed the button. “Nate, you motherfucker. Kim killed herself last night because of your black ass.” Daphne was hysterical. “You left her alone after she found out that she might have cancer. How could you do that shit? Everybody saw you on BET, you sorry bitch.” Click. Nate replayed the message because he was sure he’d heard wrong. He started to feel sick when he realized he hadn’t.

Message two was urgent as well. “Yo, Nate. Where you at?” It was Brendan. “Yo, man. I need to tell you some shit. Call me. Everybody has been calling and paging you like crazy.”

The message that I left was marked urgent also. “Nate, this is Cory. Where are you, bro? Your girl Kim overdosed last night. I need to holler at you and find out what happened. Your grandmother has been worried.”

Urgent. “Nigga, my cousin died.” A male voice on the line spoke. “You dogged the wrong one this time, boy. Say your prayers…’cause when I see you, I’m going to lay your ass down to sleep.”

“Nate.” Kim’s voice was groggy. “Call me back. I’m going to be late. It’s two-fifteen.” Click.

“Nate, I’m going to drive myself. It’s twenty minutes ’til three. Meet me at the doctor’s…Columbia Hospital for women. My doctor’s name is Herschel, and his office is on the third floor.”

Kim was crying. “Nate, I need you. Call me.” It was four o’clock.

Four-thirty. “Where are you?” She was still crying. She left five more messages before she saw him on television at six-fifteen.

“Everyone knows that they record this show live. You were at a video shoot when you were supposed…” She couldn’t even finish. She just cried into the phone. It was her second-to-last message.

At eight o’clock Kim called back. “Nate, I hate you. How could you do this to me? I loved you. I hope you die. You will never change…you have dogged this bitch for the last time…” Her voice was wavering in and out in degree of strength. “Good-bye…Good-bye forever.”

Nate was alone in Shawn’s apartment. He hung up the phone after the last message and called me. When I didn’t answer he quickly dialed Brendan, who was at work. Brendan went into the office and took a break when he heard Nate on the phone.

“Yo, B. Did she really do that shit?” Nate’s voice was cracking.

“Yeah,” Brendan said solemnly. “She did.”

There was silence until Brendan asked, “Man, where are you?”

“I’m in LA. Been here since Thursday.”

“You with Shawn Simmons?” Brendan asked, not knowing whether or not to sound excited under the circumstances.

“Yeah.”

Nate asked for details, and Brendan gave him as many as he could. They talked for a while, and Brendan called Nate’s grandmother on a three-way phone for him. His nana was fine, and she chastised Nate for not calling in five days. He got her off of the line and resumed his conversation with Brendan. Nate asked about funeral arrangements.

“I hope you’re not going to consider going,” Brendan said. Then he went on to tell him all the things that Trina had said she had heard about Kim’s cousins being out for Nate’s blood. Plus the fact that it would’ve upset Kim’s family. They had already joined forces with the women in the salon in a crusade to pin the blame on Nate. Brendan told her that Kim’s family was even considering suing Nate for wrongful death via emotional and mental torture.

Nate was overwhelmed. He sat on the bed with the phone in his hand for a full minute as the gravity of the situation came crashing down on him. He realized that he had gone too far. He had treated someone so badly that they had no longer wanted to live. He had destroyed a life and a family. The room began to spin along with his mind. For the first time he literally lost it. After he got off of the phone with Brendan, he threw up before he could make it to the bathroom, and he collapsed right in the hallway. He had finally done something that money couldn’t smooth out. He called back and listened to his messages again, hoping that it was all a bad dream.

Nate had never hyperventilated until this. His breath kept leaving his body. Thoughts of Kim dying alone dominated him. He didn’t know what to do or who to call. Cory didn’t answer when he called. Nate was panicking, wondering if he was criminally responsible. He even wondered how serious the threats were that had been levied against him. He planned to find out soon.

When Shawn came back to her apartment she found a note from Nate: “I’m headed back home. A friend of mine passed away and I need to go face the music. I took a cab to LAX. Thanks for everything. I’ll call you.”

Shawn had no idea what he meant by facing the music, but she knew that it didn’t sound too good.

“Oh, well,” she said, as she picked up the phone. “Hey, Steve. My cousin is gone. Why don’t you come on over and rub my back. I would really appreciate it…and if you do, I promise I’ll make it worth your while.”

Steve answered with an affirmative.

Shawn shot back, “An hour sounds great. It’ll give me a chance to shower…. Oh, by the way, Stevie, baby…bring your girlfriend, too, if you can. I’m in one of those moods. Peace.” Click.

M
y day of reckoning had come quickly. Nevertheless we had a date with destiny, and it was time to dance. I sat there looking up at the sky, and I noticed that indeed it was the type of day that God had created for a wedding. The sky was powder blue, and the sun seemed to be shining from every angle. It was nearly 70 degrees, the breeze was blowing through the windows, and the sunroof was intoxicating. It was taking my mind off of what I was about to do. And I had to admit that I was a little nervous. Hell, I was a lot nervous. My life was about to change forever. There would be no turning back after today.

As I pulled into the parking lot I hoped that I was making the right decision. I hoped that
we
were making the right decision. I couldn’t help but feel guilty about how selfish I had been in the last year. Love had taken me through some serious changes. But through it all, it had been all about me. I had only focused on what was going to make Cory happy or bring Cory the most satisfaction. I hadn’t once thought about whose feelings were being trampled in the process. I didn’t want to end up like Nate, all caught up out there in the game that he seemed to live for. He had come into town and left just as quickly to avoid Kim’s relatives and friends, who were looking for him.

We all talked him out of going to her funeral. He would have surely died that day. I wasn’t too convinced that he still wouldn’t face some repercussions if any of Kim’s people caught up with him. Kim had had a big family, and they were plenty mad at Nate. He wisely decided to leave D.C. for a while. He told me that he would call me after he had gotten situated somewhere. When I dropped him off at the airport he was headed to Chicago to spend a few days with his cousin Lowe. After he left there, he said that he didn’t know where he was headed, probably Houston or Miami.

He knew that I was transferring to New York in a couple of months and he told me not to be surprised if he popped up there. I told him that he probably just needed some time to get his head together after what had happened with Kim. He’d agreed. The last thing he said to me when I told him about my plans to get married was, “Good luck, Cory. You’re doing the right thing. True love comes only once. When you see it, you know it. Go after it, but always be prepared to deal with the consequences.” Then he shook my hand as he got out of the car. “You two make a great couple. Treat her good. Keep the dog in you locked up…but not all of the way.” He smiled. “ ’Cause you have to remember that…nice guys finish last.” Then he turned and walked away. I just laughed as I walked out of the terminal at Reagan National Airport with the keys to his Lexus in my hand.

The scariest thought that entered my mind on my wedding day was that I still considered myself a nice guy. Paula’s husband wouldn’t have agreed with that notion, however. Paula didn’t either when I left Atlanta, and her behind with it. In fact, my one-time-no-strings-attached partner, Darlene, had even cursed me out for not returning her phone calls after the night I had spent with her in April. Worst of it all, though, had been the lack of consideration that I had shown Nina. By pursuing a relationship with her I had put her in a position where she had been forced to choose between her family and me. Ultimately, she had chosen me…and so had I. I felt bad about it, but it still hadn’t stopped my pattern of selfish behavior. Today was just another example…It didn’t matter who got hurt as long as I was still standing at the end of the day.

I looked over in the passenger seat at my bride-to-be and my heart skipped a beat. Her expression was calm. It was almost as if she had planned it this way. Never showing any sense of disappointment about getting married in a courthouse, especially knowing that I could afford a big wedding. I knew that every girl dreamed of a big wedding, but I’d insisted that we go to the justice of the peace. I didn’t want a big production or to face the possible commotion at a ceremony. I hoped that the tickets for an all-inclusive trip to the Cayman Islands, which I’d hidden in the glove compartment, made up for the shoddy wedding.

As I got out of the car, I pulled a picture out of my pocket of Amani, my daughter, and I felt a lump in my throat. She was so beautiful and innocent. She had my smile and a pair of dimples that were as deep as the ocean. In the picture she had her hair in curls, and she looked like a doll baby. I was so sorry that I had missed the first six years of her life. Just thinking about another man raising her all of this time stung deeply. I couldn’t believe that Shelly kept everything from me like that. The more I thought about it, the more difficult it was accepting her reasons. I kept feeling as though she should have been more selfish and not considered how it was going to affect me. It was, after all, my responsibility. Deep down inside, even though I didn’t want to admit it, I knew she was right about how I would have reacted back then. Had I been faced with the responsibilities of raising a child five years ago, I doubt that I would have left for Atlanta. I also doubt that I would have done as well as I had. Shelly had told me that it was easier for her to act as though I no longer existed than it would have been for her to live with my resentment.

We approached the courthouse hand-in-hand. I looked over at her face, and I started to feel as though I was dreaming. Everything was in slow motion as we made our way through the doors, past the metal detectors, and off into the judge’s chambers to the right. We took a seat right outside on a bench as we waited for our names to be called.

We hadn’t even warmed the bench when Brendan walked around the corner. Trina was with him. He was going to be my witness. I had figured that Trina would be with him. They’d gotten back together. They were getting relationship counseling, and Brendan was happier than he had been in a long time.

It turned out that Brendan had caught Laney in yet another lie when her uncle had called looking for her from Philly. I couldn’t remember every detail, but it was something about Laney lying about everything from having a deceased sister to a mother on drugs. It turned out that Laney’s mother was a nurse who was raising Laney’s son because Laney had been an abusive parent. Brendan hadn’t gone into every detail. The only important detail had been the one where he had gotten off of the phone with her uncle and immediately moved his things out of her apartment before she had even come home. He had written her a letter telling her that she needed help that he couldn’t give her and that she was never to contact him again. Finally, he’d had enough. It seemed that for some reason Trina was the only woman whose lies he could forgive.

Brendan had been staying in Nate’s apartment for the last month while he was waiting to close on his new condominium. I didn’t have to ask if Trina would be moving in with him. They looked like two kids in love for the first time. I guess Trina had finally realized that she had a good man, and she was not going to be the same fool again.

The door opened
and an older couple emerged looking freshly married. The bailiff called our names and we walked in. At that instant I finally felt the confidence and sureness of heart that I had been looking for. Suddenly things seemed like they were always supposed to have been this way. I looked at her. She had been quiet until a bailiff sitting off to the side with a small boom box asked if we wanted music playing in the background.

“Yes, please.”

She held two CDs. “Luther Vandross, Johnny Mathis…”

Brendan pulled a CD out of the pocket of his blazer. “Play this please. Number six.” It was Kenny Lattimore’s “For You.” Perfect.

“No problem,” the bailiff said, as she took the CD and fumbled with some papers.

The judge was
young. He looked to be in his late thirties and seemed more jovial than a judge was supposed to be. He cracked a couple of jokes about Brendan bringing his own music with him before he got down to business.

Maybe it wasn’t the big wedding I had hoped for, but I was glad we were doing it. The ceremony was over as quickly as it started: “Cory, you may kiss the bride.” But it was special and moving in its own way.

I couldn’t believe it…I was married. We had eloped. When I pulled my lips from hers, she just smiled. I saw tears of joy running down her cheeks. I heard Trina blowing her nose. When everything came to a stop we headed out of the same doors that we had entered from and proceeded out of the courthouse and back into the inviting sun, but only now as man and wife.

Brendan was hugging me and telling me how happy he was for me when Nina walked up and stopped right in front of us on the steps. Shelly had been talking to Trina about the honeymoon surprise and didn’t see Nina approaching either. We just stared at her, and she stared right back.

“So you two really did it?” Nina said. “You really fucking did it.” There was silence. “I had a miscarriage not even four whole weeks ago, Cory…. Your baby, Cory…the baby you claimed you wanted andgrieved over with me. We were supposed to be getting married tomorrow, but instead you ended things with me…. No excuses…nothing. Then here you turn around, and you marry my sister.” Nina began to rant in both English and Spanish, and people were starting to stare. “I stopped past the house to drop some things off for Momma. Juan was over there cutting the grass and babysitting Amani. He said that Amani had been telling him all morning that you were getting married to her real daddy today.” Nina shook her head and looked at me. “What kind of shit is that?” Nina paused and covered her face. “Oh God, I can’t believe you did this to me, Cory. You said you loved me.”

Shelly, who had listened while Nina said her piece, finally spoke up. “You have a lot of nerve, Nina. You knew the whole time that Amani was Cory’s daughter. If you loved him so much, why weren’t you honest with him?”

I saw Nina’s face fill with shame, and I said, “Shelly, no,” hoping to save Nina from Shelly’s onslaught. I knew that Shelly was prepared to verbally crush her sister.

“No my ass, Cory. This is my sister. I know why
you
were with her, but she was my own flesh and blood. She was never supposed to fall for you…not in a million years.”

Nina was in tears. “You don’t know how it was with Cory and me. You don’t know.”

Shelly’s eyes turned cold and cut into her sister. “Well, here’s a news flash, you conniving little slut. It’s over, and if I ever catch you around my husband, my daughter’s father…I swear I will…”

I grabbed Shelly. “Come on, Shelly.” I turned and looked at Nina and said, “Nina…I’m sorry. I really am. But I never stopped loving Shelly…and I never will.”

“You can take your apologies and just keep it.” I saw Nina’s nose running when she wiped it. “I hate you both, and I swear…I hope you burn in hell.”

“Save it, Nina,” Shelly said, as she took my hand and we turned and walked away. Brendan and Trina followed us, and I did my best not to look back. And it seemed that my best was good enough, because by the time that I succumbed to the urge and turned back…Nina was gone.