Beginnings - SF2 (8 page)

She took in a breath so deep and heavy that Jamie was able to hear it over the thundering bass. Dropping her head onto Jamie's shoulder she spent a few minutes trying to collect herself, breathing deeply the entire time. Jamie's hands ran up and down Ryan's damp back, silently thanking her partner for pulling them back from the brink.

"This is too much," Ryan murmured into her ear. "It's…it's just too hard, Jamie. I…I can't…"

"I know, Honey," she soothed, feeling completely overwhelmed herself. "Let's go home." Sliding off the stool she grasped Ryan's hand, noticing the slight tremor as she did so. She led her through the crowd, dodging the women on the dance floor as they threaded their way towards the door. A quick detour to retrieve Jamie's coat and they burst through the throng that was trying to enter. As soon as they cleared the crowd they threw back their heads and sucked in the cool, moist air.

"We need a new plan," Ryan grumbled as she took Jamie's hand to lead her to the motorcycle.

"Let's walk," Jamie suggested as they neared the bike.

"Walk? Really?"

"Yeah," she insisted, pulling her along. "We both need to cool off a little and the bike might not be the best place to do that."

"Good point," Ryan agreed with a tiny smirk as she gazed once again at the mouth-wateringly hot dress that covered her partner's body.

The night had cooled appreciably and Ryan shivered a little as the damp air met her wet tank top. She shrugged into her jeans jacket and helped Jamie into her coat, and then draped her arm around her partner's shoulders as they began the short walk. "This isn't going too well, is it," Ryan said, more a statement than a question.

"The whole thing?" Jamie asked as she turned her head to gaze into Ryan's eyes.

"No," she soothed. "Just the arousal thing." After several more steps she asked, "What do you think we should do about it?"

Only the sound of Ryan's boots clicking on the pavement filled the air for several minutes as Jamie considered their options. "I think we can go one of two ways," she decided. "We either jump in or pull back…a lot!"

Ryan gave her a gentle squeeze as a small smile curled the edge of her lips, "Which option do you pick?"

"It's not just me that decides that, Honey," she reminded her. "It takes two to tango…as well as other things."

"Are you leaning one way over the other?" Ryan asked carefully, wanting Jamie to have the space to make up her own mind.

"I sure was a few minutes ago!" she reminded her, her eyes comically wide. "I was leaning so far I almost fell over! I guess I just need some time to think about it."

"Okay," Ryan agreed as they continued their walk. "Take your time." As they kept a slow, companionable pace Ryan smiled down at her partner. The smaller woman was deep in thought, her brow wrinkled just a tiny bit in concentration. Ryan absolutely loved to watch her think but she was a little wary of revealing her interest. She knew that Jamie would want to know exactly what she liked about watching her. And since she had to be honest she would have to reveal that she most loved the fact that her partner looked considerably younger when she was deep in thought. She actually looked like a little kid trying to solve a puzzle that was a little too advanced for her. Sometimes the tip of her tongue even stuck out of the side of her mouth, adding to her juvenile appearance. But since Jamie was already a little sensitive about looking so young Ryan didn't think it best to bring it up. Resisting the urge to pinch her cheek, she merely gave her shoulders a gentle squeeze and tried to hide her grin.

They walked the remaining distance in silence, gently holding hands in the cool evening breeze. When they arrived, Ryan paused at the door and said, "I think maybe I should go home."

"Home?" Jamie asked, her face immediately clouded with disappointment. "Don't you want to sleep with me?"

"Of course I do," Ryan soothed as she took her in her arms. The warm golden glow of the porch light gave Jamie's hair such beautiful highlights that Ryan had to close her eyes to concentrate on their actual discussion. "I would never be apart from you another night if I had my wish."

"Then why do you want to leave?" her small voice asked into the denim jacket that her face rested against.

Ryan pulled back to look her partner right in the eyes. "I think we both need some time to figure out what we want," she said. "We almost got carried away tonight, Hon, and that's not how I want it to be with us. I want our lovemaking to be slow and intentional and deliberate. I want our last 'first time' to be a time we always remember," she insisted as she leaned forward for a kiss.

"Our last first time?"

"Yeah," she grinned. "It'll be our first time but it's the last first time I'm ever going to have. I've already got our first real kiss burned into my brain. Now I'm gonna partition my mental hard drive to make sure I have room to archive our first time. Cause it's gonna eat up memory, big time!"

"That was the sweetest, nerdiest thing you've ever said to me," Jamie smiled as she stood on tiptoe for some tender kisses. As she settled back onto her feet she left her hands lightly clasped behind Ryan's neck. "We could discuss how we feel…while you stay over." She had intentionally placed a deceptively innocent look on her face but Ryan wasn't fooled.

"Do you promise you'll behave during this discussion?" she asked sternly.

"Depends," Jamie replied as she wrinkled up her nose. "What do you have to sleep in?"

"Duhhh, I forgot to bring anything," Ryan groaned as she closed her eyes tightly and smacked herself on the forehead.

"I've still got some of Jack's sweats here," she offered. "I'd like it if you stayed and I promise I'll behave. Scout's honor," she vowed as she held up all four fingers of her right hand.

"You weren't a scout, were you," Ryan chastised as she bent the little finger of Jamie's raised hand down and brought the thumb up to trap it. "You don't even know the pledge!"

"No, I wasn't," she admitted. "We were gone most weekends and that's when they did all the fun stuff. I always wanted to join though. Camping out sounded like so much fun."

She had a wistful, childlike expression on her face and as Ryan bent to give her a light kiss she said, "You'll get all the camping you can stomach on the AIDS Ride. Now let's get inside and warm up!" As they walked in together Ryan thought, for the thousandth time,
Don't ever ask her parents for advice on childrearing!

As they paused in the foyer Jamie asked, "Drink?"

"Yeah, I'll take whatever you've got. That dancing is dehydrating."

"The way you do it is," Jamie teased as she slipped into the kitchen. Popping out a moment later she questioningly held up a beer and a Pepsi.

"Ahhh, let's go with the beer," Ryan decided. "Tis as well to hang for a sheep as for a lamb."

"Irish slang?" Jamie asked over her shoulder as she went back into the kitchen to grab one for herself.

"Yep."

Handing Ryan her bottle and adding a kiss she decided, "I like it…a lot."

"Mighty!" Ryan replied with a gleam in her eye, leaning down for another kiss.

"Don't wear it out, O'Flaherty," she warned with a mock scowl as she slipped her hand around Ryan's arm to lead her upstairs.

Kicking off her shoes Jamie flopped down onto the loveseat and tried to cross her legs. Ryan stood, hands on hips, as she pointedly gazed at the tight leather dress. "Now you know why cows don't cross their legs," she informed her. "Skin's too tight."

"Very funny," Jamie scowled. "I'll put my pajamas on."

"If you want this discussion to be rational I would highly recommend it," Ryan agreed. But she quickly added, "Unless your pajamas are hotter than that dress."

Heading to the dresser Jamie pulled a sedate pair of black-watch plaid flannel pajamas out for herself and then rifled through the bottom drawer, finally extracting a pair of gray sweatpants and a bright red t-shirt. "Put these on…for your own safety," she warned her grinning partner with a wink.

Minutes later they were both in their night-clothes and they sat on the loveseat to discuss their situation. For a change they weren't sitting particularly close and even more remarkably they weren't touching. Each wanted to make some headway on the issue and both knew that distractions were easy to come by so they silently agreed to keep a polite distance.

"Mind if I lay out the problem as I see it?" Ryan asked when they were both settled.

"No, go ahead, Hon," Jamie agreed, always appreciative of Ryan's analytic mind.

"First we have the big issue—do we just let go and have sex when we can find a private space, or do we make a firm decision to wait until we're both sure we're ready."

"Okay," Jamie started to interrupt but Ryan held her hand up, asking for patience.

"Once we decide on that we then need to find ways to implement the decision and make sure we stick with it. That's the harder part," she stated.

Jamie grinned shyly as she amended, "If we decide to go ahead I don't think we'll have a problem sticking with it."

"Good point," Ryan smiled in return. "One fewer issue. So, how do you want to attack this?"

Slumping down a little further on the cushions Jamie let her head rest upon the back of the loveseat and moaned, "I don't know! I'm just so confused, Ryan." Lifting her head a few inches to be able to make eye contact she plaintively asked, "Do you know what I mean?"

Gently patting her thigh Ryan murmured, "Sure I do, Honey. There are a lot of issues to consider no matter what we do."

"Well, let's get those out first. Then we can make a rational decision."

"Okay," Ryan said, ticking off the points on her fingers. "If we decide to have sex we need a place where we can be alone. But you don't want your roommates to know we're together yet so I guess it has to be somewhere that we could use for a few hours but not stay overnight."

"Gee, that sounds great! Why don't we go to one of those nice places in The Tenderloin?"

"Jamie, we will not be reduced to going to Skid Row," Ryan gently rebuked her. "Come on, stay open-minded."

"I'm sorry, Ryan, I promised to behave," she said with a guilty grin.

"That's better," Ryan said as she patted her leg absently. "Okay, I got ahead of myself a little here. First we need to decide if we're each ready to have sex. If we had a place are you feeling comfortable enough to take that leap?"

"Uuuuuhhhhh," Jamie mumbled. "I uuuhhh…I'm…well it depends…"

"I'll take that as a no," Ryan said patiently. "Look Jamie, this is really about your comfort level. If you're not sure you're ready you're not ready. It's that simple."

"But I am sometimes," she complained. "Like tonight. If we had the opportunity I would have had you right there in the bar!"

"Honey, that's not making a decision," Ryan reminded her. "That's letting your vulva replace your brain."

"Ooo, now that's a pretty image," she giggled, shaking her head at the thought.

"You know perfectly well what I mean, Jamie," Ryan said rather seriously. "We need to be adults about this. I've sworn off sex in cars—I can't go back to that. This is too important to me to be cavalier about." Her deep blue eyes glittered as the warm lamplight hit them and Jamie was terribly moved by how sincere her partner was about protecting their nascent relationship.

"I'm sorry, Honey," she whispered. "It's important to me too. Really it is."

"My take on this is that if you're not sure--all the time--then you're not ready," Ryan opined. "I think we should wait until we both agree on the when and the where."

Much as she hated to agree, Jamie nodded her head slowly. "That makes sense," she agreed. "I…uh…I think I might be trying to avoid responsibility for the decision," she revealed. "Anna thinks that's kind of a pattern."

"Do
you
think it is?" Ryan asked.

"Yeah. It is. Especially around sex," she decided. "This is just what I did with Jack and it's probably why we waited so long to have sex. I was waiting to be swept away with the emotion, but that's not fair—to you or to me."

"I agree, Honey," Ryan soothed. "So let's move to making sure we can implement our decision…and stick to it."

"That will be the hard part," Jamie agreed. "Any ideas?"

"Yeah," Ryan said quickly. "But I don't like them."

"Tell me," Jamie urged.

"The easiest way is if we see each other less. Fewer opportunities will keep us safer."

"That sucks. What else ya got?"

"We see each other the same amount but we spend less time kissing."

"Sucky idea number two," Jamie declared. "Anything else?"

"No showers?" she asked with a hopeful grin.

"No."

"Eat lots of garlic?"

"No. I can't even smell garlic on you. One more example of your perfection," Jamie teased as she tweaked her nose.

"Chaperones?"

"Now there's a good one. How about Cassie?"

"I'd rather skip showers," Ryan said decisively as she crossed her arms over her chest.