Being Jolene (24 page)

Then I met Jolene, who was currently sitting next to me and looking slightly uncomfortable. I wanted to include her in this conversation, trying to give her the hint that she wasn’t going anywhere. At least in my mind.

“What if I don’t live in Moraine?” I said. I felt Jolene tense next to me. My hand reached down and squeezed her thigh.

Brooke’s gaze went back and forth between the Jo and I. “Where would you live?” Brooke asked. Brooke wanted me to be happy, to have someone in my life like she said with Avery, but I also knew she wanted me in Annabelle’s life and I wasn’t disagreeing with her in the slightest.

“I can be placed in Boise.” Jolene took in a tight breath of air at my statement.

“Well . . .” Brooke started, “I don’t want to take Annabelle out of school. She’s already registered and ready to go. This year she’s only go to school for part of the week though. It would require a lot of travel, which I guess we’re used to when you were in school in Montana.”

When I was in school, Brooke met me half way and Annabelle spent two weeks with me and two weeks with Brooke and Avery. I came back any break I had and spent it at my dad’s house, usually with Annabelle. With her in school now, I wouldn’t be able to do two weeks on and two weeks off.

“I could take her whenever she has a break, or I can come back then. I can make adjustments with work and I have a reason to come over here. She could stay every other weekend with me in Boise.”

I knew when Brooke and I split up, that I would see my daughter considerably less. I hated it, but sometimes life wasn’t fair and I knew I had to do what was best for Annabelle.

“It’s an idea,” Brooke said. Avery was quiet during all of this, which wasn’t uncommon. She supported Brooke and whatever was best for Annabelle. I got really lucky with both of them and everything they did for our daughter.

“Annabelle is still coming up for a couple weeks, end of summer, right?”

Brooke smiled. “Like I could stop her. That five year old would find any way possible to get up there to be with you. It’s all she talks about.”

Avery entered the conversation by saying, “Do you plan on still spending summers up in Gypsum?”

“Yeah, I have a lot of business up there and it’s where I’m needed. I can also do flights out of Boise during the winter. I’m a little closer to Gypsum on that side of the state.”

“What about the cabin?” Avery asked.

“I plan on breaking ground in the spring, having it done by the end of the summer.”

Jo’s head whipped around to face mine, confusion and slight panic was on her face. The cabin never did get brought up between us. This was the first time she was hearing all of this. On the ride home, I would explain it all to her.

Brooke broke the silence between us after my last statement. “Talk to your boss and let us know where you’ll be in the winter. I want to point out that Annabelle needs a steady home. I get that your home is in two different places during the year, but it’s time to figure out exactly where those two places are.”

“I get it.” I did and knew the importance of it.

My dad came out to let us know dinner would be ready soon and that Annabelle was awake from her nap.

A little while later, we all sat around the large table in the formal dinning room, all my siblings and the kids at a smaller table, eating dinner. Jo literally had not said a word since the talk out by the picnic table.

I leaned over to her and whispered in her ear, “You doing okay?”

She only nodded, but still didn’t say anything.

Annabelle was sitting between Jo and Brooke. She tapped Jo on the arm and said, “Are you going to be in the mountains when I visit?” Her big eyes shined bright with hope as she asked Jo that question.

“Yeah. Yeah I will be.” The first words she had spoken in hours. I let out a small breath, hoping I hadn’t ruined everything with the talk from earlier.

Annabelle beamed with Jo’s answer.

After dinner, Jo and I had to make the long drive back to Gypsum. We gave hugs and kisses goodbye to everyone. I wasn’t able to talk to my siblings as much, but they were used to it and knew any time I had with Annabelle was my main focus. Promises were made for the holidays and then Jo and I were in the car and on the road again.

It was quiet the first hour. As we entered the more mountainous areas, the sun was starting to set. I kept my eyes open, looking for deer. Those bastards leapt out with no warning.

“How you feeling after the weekend?”

The quiet was strenuous. I wanted to know what was going through her head. She had to know I wouldn’t take a woman home and meet my family, my daughter and think this was only a summer fling.

“I . . . um . . .” Jo tried to get out. “Are you really moving to Boise in the fall?” Things fell into place when she asked that. We never discussed beyond the summer. I knew that’s where she would be in the off-season and, no surprise, I wanted to be close to her. This thing between us was far from over.

“Well.” My words formed carefully in my head. “I don’t want to end our relationship once the season is over. I know you’ll go back to Boise and I thought it could be an option, being close to you.”

Jo was a statue, every limb was tense in her body and it was clear as day, even if was turning into night. “Thanks for telling me.” The anger in her voice was also pretty damn clear.

Fuck.

“I want to be with you, Jo. Wherever that may be.”

“What about Annabelle?”

“I’ll still see her. It would be like when I was in Montana for school. The only difference is now she will be in school; it will be a little bit to manage. We always knew she would be in school sooner or later.”

“You should go back to Moraine so you can be closer to her.”

“That was the plan when I graduated, but then I met you.”

“Ty.” Her tone was sharp, pissed off in fact. “What. About. Annabelle?”

Each word was short and clipped.

“Jolene, what’s running through your mind right now?” Calmness lined my voice. I wouldn’t match her anger because this was not a conversation meant to be said in anger.

“You’re just going to drop all your plans and come to Boise, which I should say we never talked about, and be away from your daughter. You say you’ll see her, but what if you don’t.”

My mouth opened as my I narrowed my eyes, baffled by what she was saying. “Of course I’ll see her. Brooke and I will make it work.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that before.” Her voice was gruff and full of emotion. Then it hit me. Goddammit, her mother. She thought I was doing what her mother did and was going to abandon my own daughter.

“Oh Jolene-” I started.

“No. Don’t try to say it will all work out. It never does. You can’t give up your whole life for me.”

I was in a land mine and each step could result in me totally blowing this. I tried to take my steps lightly. “Jolene, listen. I’m not giving up my life for you. I want you to be a part of it, yes. We should have talked about what happens at the end of the season, but I didn’t know when it was good time to bring it up.”

She scoffed. “How about before bringing it up to you ex-wife first. In front of me even! I didn’t had a chance but was totally sideswiped by your intentions.”

Jo was right and I felt like shit over it. I should have talked to her about it first.

“What did you think was going to happen at the end of the season?” Might as well get it all out on the table.

“I don’t know.” She shrugged, “I was going to go back to Boise and figured you would have to move on to be closer to Annabelle.”

“What about us?”

“We would part ways, I guess. Wrong time wrong place type of situation.”

I shook my head, my calm disappearing. “You would think that.”

“Excuse me?” she snapped at me.

“It sounds so easy, Jo. Wrong time, wrong place. An easy way out. Do you really think I would simply say that and let you go? How could I? This is more than a summer fling. You met my family and my daughter; I let you into my life because I don’t want you to leave. Actually, the opposite.”

“It’s not simple like you make it Ty. I have a life and you expect me to drop everything.”

“What? No, of course not, I want to include you in my life. I don’t want you to change anything. I’m trying to tell you I don’t want this to end.”

“It has to end!” she yelled.

“No, Jolene, it doesn’t.” I was pissed at this point. Why was she resisting so damn hard. I thought we were over those initial fears, that she felt safe with me. My head turned towards her. “I don’t think you’re hearing me Jo. I don’t want to this end because I can’t let you go. I love you. I fucking love you and you expect me to let you go?”

I heard her shocked intake of breath, but as my gaze went back to the road, I saw it wasn’t because of my declaration of love. I slammed my breaks as the deer stood there in the middle of the road. The truck stopped but both Jo and I flung forward. Jo’s arms landed on the dash and I braced myself with the steering wheel. The brakes squealed at the sudden stop and the back of the truck fishtailed. It was only seconds, but it felt like time stopped. Once we were at a complete stop I saw we were only about two feet from the deer. The animal cocked its head and then trotted away. Fucking bastard.

My heart was racing and my hands were sweaty. There was not a single car on the road and the only light by now was the yellow of my headlights.

“Are you okay?” I asked Jo.

She slowly leaned back into the seat. I could see her shaking slightly. “Um. Yeah, yeah I’m okay. Just take me back please.”

I took my foot off the break and put it on the gas, the truck lurching forward. As we drove, my eyes never left the road and there was no more talking the rest of the drive.

I was a fool. That was not the way I wanted to tell Jolene my feelings for her. Yelling my love at her was not a good idea and it was like an endless loop in my head, the words playing out over and over again.

It was late when I pulled up to the cabin. I wanted both of us to go in there, lay in the small bed, and fall asleep in each other’s arms. I knew that wasn’t going to happen tonight. As I handed Jo’s bag to her, her eyes met mine as she said, “If I’m with you, Ty, everything changes.” She got out of the truck with those parting words, leaving me speechless.

***

The next day I went to Jo’s work and saw Clara. “Hey cousin,” I said in greeting, “We missed you this weekend.”

“I missed it, too. How’s Annabelle?”

I knew what she was asking. How did the whole meet and greet go? It went spectacular; it was everything else that went to shit.

“Good,” was the only answer I could give to Clara at this moment. Sleep didn’t come easy to me last night. I tossed and turned, going over Jolene’s words. I thought of every scenario in my mind of what would happen and I hated all of them. It took every bit of resistance I had in me to not go over to Jolene’s and take the door down. I was trying to give her space.

“Where’s Jolene?” I asked. Sitting back was not going to happen. I could lose her. I gave her last night, but I couldn’t sit here and do nothing.

Clara wiped the table in front of her. “She isn’t here.”

“Where is she?”

“She isn’t back yet. She left.”

My eyes went wide. “What do you mean she left?”

Clara head the panic in my voice turned towards me. “Calm down, Jo’s coming back. She said she needed a couple extra days. I think she said she was going back to Boise and then would be here on Wednesday.”

Shit.

Clara paused in her cleaning. “Did something happen when you went home?”

I sighed as I said, “Yeah, if you count telling her that I loved her then almost crashing the truck by hitting a deer. There’s more, but it went downhill pretty fast after leaving my dad’s place.”

“Oh Ty, it’s like you can’t catch a break.”

I rubbed my hands over my face. “You’re telling me.”

“Is there anything I can do?” Clara asked.

“Did she say anything else this morning? About why she needed a couple extra days?”

Clara shook her head. “No, not really. Jo said something had come up she needed to take care of in Boise.”

I had no idea if that was the truth or what she told Clara.

I told Clara thanks for the information and then I was back in the truck and on my way to the city. Jo wanted space. That was the thought that kept popping in my head. I wanted to give her that space but I also felt like that space would give her the perfect opportunity to find a reason for this all to not work out.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

Jolene

“Winter came fiercely last night. Gone is the warmth. Right when I was used to the summer, I must learn this land through the eyes of winter.”–From the diary of Maggie Brown, November 1891

My hand was raised to the door, about to knock. This was a stupid idea. A stupid, asinine idea. I didn’t call, but knew there was no reason. This door had never been shut on me before. I paused once more.

Stupid.
I knocked. No answer, so I knocked again.

Only a few seconds passed and the door swung open.

“Fuck, Jolene,” Caleb spit out. He was standing there in a pair of sweat pants, no shirt and his blonde-brown hair was chaotic. He rubbed his hands over it, only making it messier.

“What in the hell are you doing here?” He looked tired; his eyes were bloodshot and there was a slight stubble on his face. I wondered what kept him up last night, a woman- which I highly doubted- or was it what he used to deal with things. I was guessing on the second.

“Late night?”

He looked at me and I almost thought he would roll his eyes. “You know it.” I did. I knew where he was most nights, the way he released his pain. I understood it and I knew that Caleb and I, we were the same in many ways. We dealt with the shit life handed us in similar ways.

“Do you love me?” I blurted out, and then shook my head because I really had no idea what I was saying. The whole drive here Ty’s words never left me. He loved me. And I had no idea what to do with that. I didn’t want to break those words without even understanding them.

He stared at me point blank. “Get your hot ass in here, Jolene. I’m not having this conversation so all my neighbors can hear me.”