Bellissimo Lotta (Beautiful Struggle): Companion Novel to Bellissimo Fortuna (The Family Trilogy Book 2) (10 page)

“No, I’m lucky to have her. She reminds me how selfish I can be, how lucky I am, and no matter what, I have a father who loves me.”

“Never forget that.” His voice gets distant.

“Papa, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“The things I said that morning.” It’s been a year, and I haven’t apologized, didn’t bring up the subject, yet here he is, my biggest advocate. He is the epitome of what a father should be.

“Don’t. Don’t you dare apologize to me. I need to apologize to you. You had no choice in this life; I did. And chose it anyway. It was before you or Bronson were born, I didn’t know what love was. I had just met your mother and thought I was big shit. Your grandfather was The Boss at the time, and I had choices. My father was in love with the life and was strict old school, more so than I am, but he wasn’t adamant about me joining the business. School wasn’t an option for me. I didn’t excel in school because I had no reason to. I had the life to fall back on. That’s why I’ve pushed you and Bronson to follow your dreams and get an education.” He stops and drops his head.

“You don’t have to explain.”

“No, you need to hear this. It isn’t an excuse, and if you want to hate me, I can’t blame you, but know I love you, and you are my miracle. My saving grace. The day Bronson was born, there was a pride in me equivalent to no other moment in my life. I loved him from the moment your mom told me about him. But you . . . knowing I was going to be the first man you loved, your hero, there aren’t words to describe that feeling. It’s hard to explain the difference, but you wove yourself so deep inside of me I was in awe that I helped create you. I looked at you that day and promised I would be the best father to you, that you would be proud of me and never leave me. I wanted to be a hero in your eyes. I don’t see that anymore. I see failure reflecting back at me, and that wounds me, but I understand it. One day, the man you decide is worthy of your future will be a lucky man, but I hope he is smart as well. Your heart, your beauty, should never be taken for granted.”

He wipes the tears spilling down my face. I can’t believe how I’ve hurt him. He may do a lot of unsavory things, but he is still the first man who loved me. He’s always kept me safe, I’ve never doubted his love, and he is my hero. My slightly tarnished hero, but nonetheless he’s my dad. “I do love you, and you’re still the best man in my life. I’m so sorry I hurt you. Doubted you.”

“You did nothing of the sort. Let me finish telling you this. You may want to talk to your mother; she can shed light on what you’re feeling. It wasn’t easy for her to accept, but in the end love won over common sense, and I’m a lucky man for it. So, I grew up oblivious to what your grandfather did. I knew we had money, I knew he was respected, but I never knew what he did. I was shielded more than you and Bronson because that’s the way it was done. Nobody talked about the dealings, what the job entailed. I met your mother and I fell in love at first sight. You look so much like her I sometimes lose myself in memories. I knew I had to have her, she opened her mouth and it was pure sass. Another gift you got from her.” His smile shines and his eyes twinkle in mischief. I see the memories running through his mind by the expressions dancing across his face. “So, she had goals in life. She wanted things; she grew up poor and was determined not to worry where her next meal was coming from. I had nothing to offer her. I went to my father and told him I was going to take over; inherit my legacy. Your mother wasn’t thrilled, she knew what this life required and she wasn’t too keen on partaking in it. I don’t know how or why, but by the grace of God she stuck by me.” His voice softens as he remembers their beginning.

“When I took over we had been married for three years. I had sat in on meetings, but I had never made a decision. I learned the hard way showing any sort of weakness in this business puts everyone you love in jeopardy. The day came that I had to make a decision to kill a man . . . I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t sit there and take a man’s life. I opted to let him live.” He draws in a deep breath. “That night for retribution, he broke into the home your mom and I lived in and damn near raped her. Beat her brutally and if I hadn’t come home, it would have been worse. I didn’t hesitate, I shot and killed him in our bedroom, and I’d do it again . . . no hesitation. Hell, I’d rewind time and do it before he could have gotten anywhere near your mother. That night plagued me for years. Still does. Because of my choices from the beginning she was hurt and she was involved in all this lifestyle involved. I told her to leave, begged her. She wouldn’t. She said she loved me, and told me she was pregnant with Bronson.” He shakes his head as if he’s clearing the memory, almost too much for him to remember.

“From that day forward, I learned to compartmentalize. Rationalize what I did. I wouldn’t allow another person near my family; they weren’t going to destroy the love I had. It was a struggle at first, and every time a decision had to be made I would remember your mom being attacked. That’s how I’ve been able to do it, because there is nothing more important than my family. I weigh all the options and try not to get involved in unsavory dealings, but you’re a smart girl. You know what this involves, and sometimes decisions I make aren’t moral. I’ve atoned for that. What happens to me in the afterlife is up to the Big Guy. I would burn in hell for eternity to never lose your love and respect. You, your mom, and Bronson are what I live for. I’d walk away, give it all back if I could, but it’s too dangerous and you three would be used as leverage against me. So good or bad, I’ll always make sure you all are safe.”

I don’t have words for him, but I climb into his lap like I have so many times and weep while he holds me. His strong arms cradle me like the little girl I yearn to be, I want to take all my hurtful words, misguided thoughts, and utter disgust I felt for him and erase them. I wanted the time I wasted back. This man is my father. His only concern is his family’s safety and love. I took it for granted. “I-I’m s-so-sorry,” I manage to get out around hiccups. His offenses don’t eradicate all his good deeds and his heart, which is absolute perfection.

“No, prezioso, no tears for this.” His words whisper against my forehead, and he never lets go of me. I feel my bed dip, and my mom joins him in holding me.

“I love you, both. Thank you.” I replay all the things Callie has endured, the loss that Dakota suffered with his sister, and I look at my parents in my room, holding their eighteen-year-old daughter because she has been self-centered and undeserving of their forgiveness, yet the offer it in spades.

“Oh, caro, ti vogliamo bene. More than words,” my mom says, her tears mixing with mine. “We’ll talk more if you need, but you need sleep.” She watches as my dad tucks me in and stares at my face.

“Bianca, know my biggest regret was making a decision when I wasn’t fully aware of the repercussions. Never regret your decisions. Follow your beautiful heart and give it to someone who is deserving.” My father kisses my head and walks out hand-in-hand with my mom. For the first time, seeing their love doesn’t terrify me, it elates me and makes me yearn for that. I promise to give Dakota all that I can.

Time is rare with Dakota and spring break was a disaster. I went to Tallahassee, and Bronson came home. Instead of the four of us spending time together, we were becoming isolated couples and it wasn’t a change I was down for.

I’ve been ignoring the tell tale signs from Dakota that things are changing, and instead of confronting it like I would any other issue, I bury my head in the sand not wanting to say something I can’t take back. I saw the way he was treated on campus. Everyone knew him, and he seemed like he was the life of every party. His weekends home are sporadic and with school and finals I’m not able to go up there as much. He’s leaving tomorrow to go back to school, and we are having a quiet night at my house. He hasn’t touched me since he got here, and I see the stress lining his eyes.

“Spill it.” I finally break our silence.

“What?”

“You’ve been acting like I have leprosy since you got here. What’s going on?”

His deep sigh isn’t promising. “I think I want to take a break. Just until you get there next year. This is my first time away from home, and I feel like I’m missing out on the college life.”

At first I’m speechless, but it disappears quickly. “You’ve got to be fist fucking me! Are you serious right now?”

At least he looks remorseful, but his mind is made up. I can tell by the hard set of his jaw. “I don’t want it to be forever, just while we’re in different places.”

“Oh, so you want to get laid, and until your guaranteed piece of ass is readily available, you want to seek pleasure elsewhere?” I stop for a breath because I want to continue my verbal punches. “It doesn’t work that way, big boy. See, next year will be
my
first time away from home, and I may want to see what I’m missing. Yep, that is
exactly
how it’s going to work. So, go and search the fuck away. Next year, I’ll be like fucking Dora, exploring right next to you.”

“Bianca, it’s not like that. I love you, I’m just not sure it’s Callie and Bronson. He’s so sure in everything he does with her, and I’m floundering. Next year, when we’re together it won’t be so hard.”

“You need to find your silence. Not another fucking word about it. You made your decision, one you will live to regret, but you made it. Bye, Dakota.” I don’t wait for him to speak but make my way upstairs to my room. I shut and lock my door, collapse on my bed. I cover my face with a pillow to muffle the sobs. He made me want love. He made me take a leap with the promise of catching me. In the end, it wasn’t enough. He let me go and led me into a free fall that entailed many scrapes and scars along the way. I was broken in this moment, and I remembered why I hated love. It wasn’t going to be a factor in my life anymore. I wasn’t ever going to be that girl again.

For all sad words of tongue and pen, The saddest are these, 'It might have been.’

~
John Greenleaf Whittier

Chapter 10

Dakota

I’ll never forgive myself. I made a promise to her. She could trust me. I begged her to give me a chance, and when she did, I let it slip through my fingers. I don’t understand why I feel the way I do, but in my gut I know that she needs this. Her fears have weighed her down so long. She got a release when she talked to her dad; my initial reaction was to let her live. She can be free. She can soar like she’s wanted to but never allowed herself. Her dad’s words echo in my head, pinging side to side, ‘Never regret your decisions.’ I felt like I would be that regret and didn’t want to burden her.

Bronson isn’t going into the special agent field of the DEA force, but I am. I want to find the fuckers who murdered my sister, and stop them along with the countless others. Yes, I know Dana liked her blow; nobody’s perfect. I’m not sweeping that under the rug, but her drug use didn’t harm anyone but herself. She never drove high. Never brought that shit into the house. Never used in front of me. We all have demons; we all have vices to quiet in our head . . . that should never justify murder.

Her senior prom is tonight, and I know she’s going by herself. I’m the biggest jackass in the world who robbed her of a memory because I’m running scared. I love her, but I don’t want to be the cause of the haunted look in her eyes. Her relationship with her father is on track. She’s able to accept love and embrace him . . . her father and I will be on a crash course with my life in front of me. DEA agent and Mob Boss don’t work too well together. My goal is going to come at a price; my friendship with Bronson, my relationship with Bianca, but I can’t forsake my sister’s memory to save those. Dana gave me everything she had, selflessly, and I owe this to her. I’m the only one in my family who honors her.

Bronson and I don’t talk about what my job could entail, the repercussions it could have for his father. We both know. He wouldn’t expect me to jeopardize my job, and I wouldn’t expect him to turn the other cheek if it happens. There will be a penance to pay for all of us if those roads cross and whichever path we choose will be a long and winding one, but I won’t be the cause of any pain for Bianca.

‘Bronson’ flashes across my phone as it begins ringing. “Yo.”

The noise in the background makes his words difficult to hear. “I need you to get to the prom, grab Bianca, and get her back to the house. Now.”

The panic in his voice is alarming and has my heart rate accelerating as I grab my keys as I head out the door. “What’s wrong?”