Bellissimo Lotta (Beautiful Struggle): Companion Novel to Bellissimo Fortuna (The Family Trilogy Book 2) (9 page)

“What are you saying?”

“You’re leaving in a few months, it’s my senior year.”

“No,” I growl. “You’re not fucking doing this to me. To us.”

“Someone’s going to get hurt.” Her vulnerable side makes me open my big ass mouth.

“Nobody has to get hurt. I love you. This works. We work.”

“TAKE IT BACK!”

“What, baby?”

“Love. It ruins things. Take it back, please.”

“You’re the one breaking my heart. I won’t do that to you. I know you trust me, I know you have your own issues, but you need to get over them. This thing we’ve been doing for over a year . . . clue in, it’s a fucking relationship. We fuck, we date, we make love . . . it’s as real as Bronson and Callie.”

“Oh, God.” She’s trembling.

“What the fuck has you so afraid?”

“All of it. Losing myself. Losing you. I’ve lost a piece of Callie and Bronson. My mom lost her fucking morals when she decided it was okay for my dad to be a mobster. Everyone is disappearing. Too many changes.” She’s inconsolable.

“Bianca, we don’t have to change. Baby, in life things evolve. It’s nature, and it happens whether you want it to or not. “

“I know.” She stares at me, willing me to prove to her this is going to work.

“Let’s keep being us. When I leave, nothing changes. I’ll still be a phone call away, come home, and you can come spend the weekends with me.”

“Oh, Bronson and my dad will love that.”

“Shit.” The thought of her dad terrifies me. He’s been nice, but he doesn’t know I’ve had my dick in his daughter.

“See, nothing but change. Nothing but hurdles.”

“We can do it. We can survive this.”

“Don’t break my heart, Dakota.”

“I promise. Now give me the words I want to hear.”

“I love you. I love us. I want this.” I claim her mouth. Soft and easy, pouring each and every ounce of love into this one kiss.

“Was that so hard?” I whisper against her lips.

“Yes, but something else is harder.” She giggles. And then? Then I show my girl just how much I love her.

I hated walking across that stage and getting my diploma. Karma is biting me in the ass. All the shit I gave Bronson about altering his life, changing the plans we had set in stone, is now the replica of my life. I seem to be drowning in self-doubt. I want to be the one at a college closer, I want to be the one spending every day protecting and loving Bianca. I told her I love her, and it was like a floodgate was released inside of me; everything we had tried to deny or hide is in the open, and it’s become my healing. My salvation. I’m letting go of the anger and pain from Dana’s murder, I’ve stopped focusing on retribution and justice, I’m absorbed in the here and now. In. love. In life.

Sure, it’s an uphill battle with Bianca . . . constantly trying to pull her from succumbing to her fear. Tonight is no different. “Come here, babe. Give me a kiss.”

Her smile isn’t reaching her eyes; the light in them has dimmed significantly over the past week. “Congratulations, Dakota. I’m proud of you.”

Her monotone voice is convincing me of that. “Really? You trying to convince yourself or me?”

“Why are you so difficult? I am happy for you. I’m just freaking out.”

“Why?”

“You’ll be gone. Experiencing college. I don’t want to be in the way of that.”

“Talking to you is like trying to squish water. It will be fine. We will be fine.”

“
Fine
. I hate that word. In my mind it doesn’t mean happy or unhappy. I don’t want fine.”

“Bianca, haven’t you heard absence makes the heart grow fonder?”

“Where the hell did you get that? Google University? Inspiration Quotes 101?” Her smart mouth just makes me want to silence it.

“Come here,” I stress to her. When she complies, with a smirk of her own, I seal my mouth over hers and pour all my hope into this kiss. Hope she knows that I love her. Hope she will let things progress and grow. Hope she can let her qualms go and embrace the life I want to share with her. I raise my lips from her, I bend and kiss her shoulder and feel her quake against me. I wrap my arms tighter, urging my love to seep into her.

“I love when you do that.”

“What?”

“Kiss my shoulder.” Her eyes bore into me, showing me how my touch makes her feel out of control yet somber at the same time. I reach a place inside of her that nobody ever has.

“Anytime, babe.” I kiss it again.

“It’s like the quiet of the storm. That little gesture means more to me than I can explain. It’s not calculated, it just
is
.”

“You were made for me, Bianca. I promise you it will be okay. You and Callie will be there in a year, and it will be like we were never apart. You can come on the weekends when I don’t come home.”

“I know. I’m just being a girl.”

“That’s allowed. I like you all soft like this.”

“I don’t.”

It all boils down to that. She runs from emotions, from feelings. She believes that if she doesn’t acknowledge them, they can’t hurt her. Little does she know, she has me in the palm of her hand and has the ability to destroy me. Our struggle to find a balance is daunting. I push, she stands firm. I back off, she pursues me. I love her, she wants to ignore it. She loves me, I drown in it. I would love things to be on an even keel, but I don’t see that happening with the whirlwind that is Bianca Rose Agosto.

If there is no struggle, there is no progress.

~
Frederick Douglass

Chapter 9

Bianca

“You okay?” I’m worried about Callie. Since the guys left for college three months ago her dad is getting worse … more controlling. He rarely lets her ride with me to school, and she is dropping weight again. I know Bronson is going to freak. She’s constantly doing whatever she can to ease his mind while he is at school. This is why I fought against a relationship with Dakota. It’s hard enough understanding what the hell is running through my mind, but to have to learn someone else’s needs is overwhelming. You feel like you are sinking. Despite that, I’ve kept my promise to Dakota, and we are still going steady. I love him, I do, but that doesn’t ease the terror that resides in my chest, seizing at the most inopportune times.

“Fine.” Her eyes are still staring off into space.

“He’s coming home this weekend. Maybe you can finally talk him into attending your sexual debut.”

“Okay.”

This is getting ridiculous. “I had anal sex with Dakota.”

“Good.” That’s all I get for that lie? We have a pact … exit only.

“Listen.” I stand and walk over to her. “Quit being a one reply bitch. I could have told you I was gang-banged in the alleyway last night, and you would have said ‘Cool,’ when in all actuality it wouldn’t have been cool. I mean, sure for the gang-bangers, that would be one hell of an initiation, but for me, it would have been tragic.”

Her eyes are huge; she’s staring at me like I’ve lost my mind. “What are you talking about? What the hell is a one reply bitch and why am I one?”

“I’ve been talking to you for the last ten minutes and have gotten one word answers, so that makes you a one reply bitch. I told you I had anal with Dakota, and you didn’t flinch.”

“What the fuck, Bianca. What happened to no breaching the corn hole?”

“Obviously, I didn’t. I was going for shock value. Kind of like the gang-bang theory. What is wrong with you?”

“Everything. My dad. Bronson. My ulcer. I’m losing my shit here.”

“Callie, talk to me. Your dad’s a dick. No fixing that. What’d my brother do?”

“He didn’t do anything, Binks. He’s studying his ass off, I get it, and I feel like a complete bitch and a stage four clinger. He missed my eighteenth birthday, he was hardly present for Thanksgiving break, and he’s doing it all for us. I get that. But, add in the equation that my dad is planning something, I feel it and it scares me. He’s more sinister, if that’s possible.”

This girl was my first friend. She’s the one who understands all there is when it comes to me and doesn’t push for me to go out of my box before I’m ready. She allowed me to live in denial for months about what was happening with Dakota, never said I told you so when I gave in to my feelings, has a heart of pure fucking gold, and got dealt the shittiest hand in life with parents. Worthless fucks that they are. “Callie, can you stay here this weekend? I’ll cancel going to FSU, Dakota will understand.”

“No, I won’t do that to you.”

“You aren’t doing anything. We can watch
Coyote Ugly
, dance, eat, and just have a girls weekend.” I see in her face she wants to agree, but she feels like I’m sacrificing something. “It’s done. We have all weekend.”

Her smile lights up her face, but then it morphs to horror. “Shit! It’s nine.”

“Yeah, tomorrow is a half day so no big deal. Sleep over tonight.”

“No, you don’t understand. The
only
words he spoke to me today were be home by nine. I’m going to be late.” Her face is pale, and her trembling body shakes my bed.

“Is there something you aren’t telling me?”

“No, I swear. It’s just a feeling. I have to go.” She darts from my room.

“Call me when you get home!” I shout after her. I grab my phone and call Dakota.

“Hey, babe.” My heart flutters with his casual greeting.

“Bad news. I’m can’t come this weekend. Callie needs me.”

“Is everything okay?”

“Yes, but don’t tell Bronson. She’s just going through some stuff and with Bronson’s college load he isn’t home like he promised.”

“So because she’s feeling sorry for herself, you’re cutting our plans out of your weekend. Where are your priorities?” His tone pisses me off.

“You’ve got to be kidding me? Pity party? You, Dakota, are an asshole. You have no idea what that girl goes through. That same girl who is my best fucking friend. We see each other almost every weekend, a lot more than I see her, and you’re giving me this bullshit?”

“I miss you. I get crazy when I won’t be able to see you.”

“Is that an apology I missed? I get it; I miss you, too. But she is my best friend, and I’d hope you understand.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Okay. Talk to you later.”

“You’re still pissed?”

“A little. Some days it’s just hard. I think you expect so much from me, and I disappoint you.”

“No. I’ll come home this weekend. This isn’t happening. You aren’t going to start pulling away when I’m not there to anchor you.”

“I’m not pulling away. I promise. Stay there, I’ll be with Callie.”

“I love you, Bianca.”

“I love you, too. Talk to you tomorrow.” I disconnect and fall back. My head lands on my pillows, and I sigh. Love is exhausting. Whoever spewed that love is patient bullshit obviously never met Dakota Hyatt. A knock at my door startles me, and I see my dad standing against the frame. “Hey.” I give him my best ‘nothing is wrong’ smile.

“I saw Callie rushing out, heard you yelling on the phone, and wanted to see if everything is okay?” Times like this I feel like a self-centered brat. I condemn my dad for his life choices, yet he’s here with a soft word, heart full of love, concern shining through his expression. I think of Callie and how she deserves this . . . not me.

“Yes. She was going to be late and worried her dad will be pissed. She’s staying here this weekend, to get some distance.” I see his features harden; Frank Locati is a touchy subject for us all. “I was yelling at Dakota, he was being a complete tool when I cancelled going there for the weekend.”

I see a smile ghost his lips, his head shaking. “Can I come in?”

“You pay the bills, big man. Enter your domain.” He chuckles.

“You, my beautiful angel, are a breath of fresh air in this crazy life. Why did you cancel with Dakota?”

“Callie is having a hard time, so I decided a girls weekend was in order.”

“She’s lucky to have you.”