Beloved (31 page)

Jackson steps away from me. He curls his lip while flexing his hands and glaring at Neil. “Wait a fucking minute,” he says and then looks at me. “Neil? From Boyce, the other PR firm?”

I nod, trying to choke back the tears that keep spilling down my face. This is the worst day of my life. It feels like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

“Since you know who I am, I’ll ask again. Who the fuck are you?” Neil says, puffing out his chest.

Jackson glares at Neil. “I’m Jackson Cole.”

Recognition registers on Neil’s face as his angry smile grows. “Well, that explains everything. You fucked the client, Cat. I didn’t think you had it in you.” He steps toward me, his eyes hard and cold.

Jackson pushes me back behind him as anger rolls off him in waves. You can smell the testosterone in the air. His knuckles are white from clenching his fists so hard, and the vein on the side of his neck is protruding. I need to calm him before this gets out of hand. I place my hand on his shoulder and move around him, but his arm grips my waist, keeping me safely behind him.

From behind Jackson, I yell at Neil, “You need to leave. Now!” My entire body is trembling. I’m not sure if it’s anger or hate or any other emotion you can name.

Neil steps forward and Jackson tenses. Neil isn’t a small guy, but he’s no match for a man Jackson’s size. Not only that, but I’m pretty sure Jackson is trained to kill him in one move.

Could this day get any fucking worse?

Jackson clears his throat and pulls me against his side. “She told you to leave. I suggest you go.” His voice brokers no argument. He’s reached his max.

“Right, well this is between me and Cat. So I think I’ll just finish what I came here for.” Neil smiles and moves closer.

Jackson’s reaction seems involuntary as he steps forward and pushes against Neil’s chest, sending him backward. The commanding sound in Jackson’s voice scares me. “I don’t think so, asshole. You’re going to fucking leave right now—either by free will or by force. But I promise—you don’t want to fuck with me.”

I step between them, trying to get Jackson to calm down. The tears have stopped, but fear has taken over.

My voice is strangled as I plead with them both. “Please! Stop! I can’t take any more.” I step toward Neil with narrowed eyes. “You need to go! I don’t have anything of yours, and I don’t have anything left to say to you. Just leave!”

Neil snaps. His nostrils flare and his lip pulls back. He barrels toward me. The noise from his throat is a guttural roar. “You owe me my fucking ring! So you can either get it, or I’m going to do everything in my power to ruin you.” He grips my arms, squeezing them painfully.

Before I have a second to process anything, Neil’s on the ground and Jackson’s on top of him. The sound of their bodies hitting the pavement echoes around me.

He hits Neil in the face and blood splatters on the sidewalk at the impact. “Stop!” I scream, trying to stop the madness in front of me.

Punch after punch he lands on Neil. Neil manages to get a fist to Jackson’s face, but it only seems to stoke Jackson’s rage. I rush over and pull at his arms, but he shakes me off easily, continuing the onslaught, undeterred.

“Motherfucker! You don’t touch her!” he says as he hits him again, his fist finding his mark. With each blow, the sound of his knuckles connecting with Neil’s face cuts through the night air.

“Jackson! Stop!” I yell over and over. My voice falls on deaf ears as they continue to assault each other. Tears are pouring again, and my entire body is running on adrenaline.

I lean down, grabbing for Jacksons arm, finally snapping him out of his rage. He towers over Neil lying on the pavement. “I’ll fucking kill you if you ever touch her again,” he says, his voice venomous.

Jackson turns and looks at me. His expression shifts from anger to pain to worry when he sees the tears streaming down my face.

“Are you hurt?” His hands grasp my face as I pull away from his touch.

It’s too much. I can’t do this. All I can do is shake my head back and forth as I pray my legs don’t give out on me.

“Catherine, talk to me. Please.” His voice breaks on the last word and my heart goes with it.

Neil staggers to his feet and Jackson’s back stiffens as he readies to protect me again. “You better have a damn good lawyer, Cole. This isn’t over.” He swipes the blood off his mouth and turns with vengeance in his eyes.

I squeeze my eyes shut and pray for strength because I don’t have any left.

Tears are streaming, leaving rivers of black mascara on my cheeks. Jackson’s strong arms encase me, holding me tight as I crumble. I breathe in his scent, which usually calms me, but right now it does nothing to help my state. My eyes close and the numbness takes hold. I’m floating, completely weightless—I’ve finally lost it. I think we’re moving but can’t be sure. I’m enjoying the peace and serenity my mind has given me, the reprieve from all the hell that broke loose a few moments ago. Images of Neil and Jackson brawling blur before my eyelids, and I fight for the numbness again.

When I open my eyes, I’m shocked to see we’re in my apartment. I don’t remember walking, but then again I’m almost positive I’ve snapped. Jackson holds me in his arms and tries to speak to me, but I don’t hear him. I barely register his touch. His warmth is absent.

Maybe, like everything else, he’s gone cold, the tenderness he once felt for me destroyed by the display on the street. He’s been distant all night. Maybe Neil just sealed the deal. The thought sends a wave of panic through my body, but I’m too defeated to fight it. He’ll take the last remaining part of my heart and shatter it. I knew it would happen. He’ll do what every man in my life does—leave.

His arms wrap tighter around me, but I don’t want his arms. I don’t want anyone. I’m better off alone, making a clean break now before I fall further. I need to protect what’s left of myself. He’s already claimed parts of me that I’ll never get back. I wish I could get the numbness back. I want to stop feeling so much all the time. It hurts—everything hurts.

His grip tightens, but I need to get away. I step back, pushing against his chest. His arms reach out as if I’m falling and he needs to catch me. But I’m done falling.

I place my hands in front of me to stop him. Gone is the uncertainty I had hours ago. All my resolve is back with a vengeance. Stifling the tears, I take a deep breath, ready to salvage what’s left of myself. I look over to see his unsure face and posture. Ensuring my voice is clear, I answer the questions in his eyes. “You should go.”

“What?” He steps back with a shocked expression.

“Leave, please,” I croak out and point to the door.

He looks at me cautiously, like I’m a wounded animal. Tilting his head, brow furrowed, he responds, “Why would I leave? I’m not going anywhere. I told you I was staying.” He stands defiantly, ready to fight me on this.

“I don’t want you to stay here. I need to be alone,” I say with as much steel in my voice as I can gather. There’s a small part of me that knows pushing him away could be a mistake, but at this point I can’t trust myself. He’s already taken so much—I’m already in too deep. The last time we made love, he owned me. I knew then I’d never be the same. He’s going to destroy me if I don’t put an end to this now.

Jackson takes a step closer, shaking his head at my request. “I’m not leaving you.”

There’s no way he’s going to walk away on his own—it’s not who he is. This is the man who’d stand in front of a bullet and bear the pain so someone else wouldn’t have to. But I don’t need a hero. “I’m not asking you, Jackson. I’m telling you to leave. I want to be alone. I can’t deal with anything else right now.”

He strides toward me with his lips pursed. “Don’t push me away. Don’t make me the bad guy here.” He reaches for me, but I take a step back.

I throw my hands up. “Really? Push you away? You pushed me away back there before the fight. I didn’t do that—you did. I needed you! Do you have any idea what this was like for me today? Huh?” I step forward and push against his chest, but he doesn’t budge. Instead he stands there and lets me unleash my fury. “Did you think about how this would be for me when you beat the shit out of him? Did you hear me screaming and begging you to stop? My God! Do you get it now? I was engaged to him. He was supposed to love me and cherish me! But instead he pushed me away, cheated on me. He left me for someone else because she was better than me!” I slap my hand against his chest, broken and hurt, but he doesn’t move. He takes it. “I need to be more than that, Jackson. I need to be someone’s everything. I deserve that! I’m tired … I’m tired of being hurt. I want to be
enough
already!” I take a few steps back, needing some space.

Jackson takes another step, but I put my hands up to stop him. No. He can’t touch me. He’s already shown me what all the important men in my life have told me—I’m not enough. Not good enough to open up to. Not enough to share himself with. Will I ever be enough? “Don’t touch me.” Jackson’s face contorts as if I’ve slapped him.

“Really, Catherine?” He shifts forward and clenches his jaw.

I take a shaky breath before continuing, “In the last two hours, I’ve had to face every fucking man in my life who’s ever meant anything to me—my father, Neil, and now you. I can’t do this. Please, just go!” I shake my head over and over, trying to grab on to the anger instead of the crushing pain of pushing him away.

“You think this has been easy for me? I’ve never made you feel irrelevant. I haven’t cheated on you, or hurt you. No, I’ve been there for you, giving you everything I could. I held you when you cried and listened to you. I didn’t make you feel cheap or worthless.” His hands are shaking as he pauses to take a deep breath. “I’ve tried to be the man you say you deserve. Tell me what I did to make you think otherwise! So I pulled away on the train—we got past that. Did I get pissed off and beat the shit out of your fucking asshole ex? Yes! And if he fucking touched you again, I would’ve killed him. Is this about him? Do you still love him?”

I gasp and press my fingers to my lips, shaking my head back and forth in disbelief. How could he think that? “This has nothing to do with him. But it has everything to do with me.”

“So you’re going to take this out on me? I deserve this?”

We stand there in the middle of my living room, staring at each other, trying to get the resolution we’re each fighting for. I look away and glance at his shirt. The blood there reminds me of everything that’s happened.

“I just need time.” The faint whisper of a voice I manage to get out sounds so broken—even to me.

His head tilts back as he grips his hair. “Fucking time? Time to what? Push me away and convince yourself that I’m like
him
. Are you sure you want me to leave? You’re ready for me to walk away?”

“I need some damn time. I can’t think with you around!” I turn away from him.

“You want me to walk out so you can hate me and blame me for leaving you. Well I won’t let you play some fucking bullshit game with me.”

I let out a breathy laugh and roll my eyes. “A game? You think this is a game for me? What do I win, huh?”

“You tell me. You’re the one telling me to leave. I can’t fucking believe this.” He throws his hands up and then claps them against his legs. “If I walk out this door, I won’t come back until I know you want me here.”

“I’m used to watching men walk out the door.” I say bitterly.

“Maybe you should stop pushing them out, then.”

My heart stops as his words rip my chest apart. The pain is dragging me under, but he’s standing there, watching the tears fall, watching how deep his words cut. “You don’t know a fucking thing.”

“I know you’re fighting me because you’re afraid. You think I’m like every other man. Have I hurt you? Have I lied to you?”

“Not yet!” I cry out.

Jackson takes a step closer. His breathing is heavy but he’s trying to keep his tone soft. “You’ve already sentenced me for someone else’s crime.”

I weep into my hands because he’s right. “You can’t expect me to process all of what happened today with you here. My feelings for you … they scare me. You make me feel too much! Every time you’re around or you touch me, I lose something inside,” I say earnestly.

“You think it’s any different for me? I fought against this! Every time you walked in the room, I fought the urge to take you. If you think you’re the only one who loses, you’re wrong.” His voice grows warm and seductive. “Somehow, at every turn, you’ve made me feel more than I’ve wanted to.”

He closes the distance and I’m unable to fight him anymore. I allow his arms to hold me one last time. After this, I won’t let him back in.

“Please,” I cry into his chest as he clutches me to him. “Please, if you care, let me have time to think.”

His arms fall from my back and he slowly moves to hold my face, tilting it so we’re staring into each other’s eyes. Jackson’s expression is pained, but his eyes express so much more. “Fine. You win. I’ll go.” His eyes close as though the words are bitter in his mouth. When they open again he looks fierce and determined. “But hear me. You’re it for me, Catherine.” His thumb brushes a tear from my cheek. “I’m not walking away from you or us. I wasn’t ready to love again when you came crashing into me. But you made me want to try again.” Our lips touch briefly. When he looks back up, his eyes are intense. “Leaving you right now goes against every fucking thing I want. I’m going to let you push me away this once. But I mean it, when I walk out it’s up to you when I come back. Don’t make me wait too long.” He leans down and places a long, tender kiss upon my lips. Our eyes meet again and he waits for a second before continuing, “I told you I’ll always find you, but you have to want to be found. Let me find you, Catherine.”