Beloved (34 page)

“I wish I’d known him.” I sigh and look away. That’s the bottom line. I know nothing about him. I don’t know how he lived, if he was sad or happy, if he wished things were different—although his letter says he did.

“There’s an office down the hall on the left. He spent a lot of time in there. There are probably some things that might give you some peace.” She wipes the tear from my cheek. “Sometimes the heart and mind don’t work together, but a child is never to blame for the errors of the parent. We all make mistakes, but forgiveness sets the soul free.” Mary rises from her seat and I stand as well. “I’m going to lie down for a bit and give you some time alone, but promise you’ll come back and visit soon.”

“I promise,” I say as she walks out the door, giving me time to absorb everything.

I walk through the rooms, looking around and trying to figure out who he really was when I come across the office she spoke of. There’s a small desk and a bookshelf inside. I gasp and my hands cover my heart when I see the top shelf. It’s lined with photos of me. Every picture is in chronological order, from my infant photo at the hospital all the way through third grade. There are even some where I’m older. My high school graduation picture and my newspaper engagement announcement are framed. He has little bits of my life all around the room.

I make my way to his desk and look around. He was so alone. It has papers and bills, but the photo sitting on top causes a sob to break free. It’s a photo of us on my birthday. He’s standing behind me right as I’m inhaling to blow out the candles on my cake. The love in his eyes shines as bright as the flames.

Overloaded with varying degrees of heartache, I rush out of the room, gasping for air. Nothing makes any sense. The world seems to be shifting, but I’m not shifting with it. I can’t wrap my mind around why he chose to keep that door closed. He could have come to me and talked to me, tried to explain. I might have been mad, but we could’ve had a chance at
some
kind of relationship. So much wasted time, so many tears that didn’t need to be shed. He was there for parts of my life even though I never knew.

Is this the life I’m heading toward?

I lock up the house and make sure everything is secure. I need to decide what to do with the house, but not today. I feel a sense of peace settle around me. I’ve gained some answers or at least some insight. Getting into my car, I allow the silence to surround me as the sun shines upon on my face.

Tuesday morning rolls along, and I know I have to get up and get it together. I have a job to do, one that ultimately will force me to deal with Jackson again. This was what my fear of getting involved with him was all along. He promised it wouldn’t affect my career, and now it’s time for him to prove it. I stroll into the office in my black slacks and coral top, hoping the bright color will draw attention away from my swollen eyes.

“Good morning,” I say with a forced smile.

Taylor stands and follows me into my office. “Morning, Cat. How are you feeling?”

“Fine. We have a lot of work to do. Can you see where we are on the advertising piece getting released to the press next week?” I say quickly.

I don’t want to talk. I don’t even know what to say.
Hi. I had a mental breakdown. My ex and my current boyfriend got in a fight. Oh, and my dad, who I haven’t seen or heard from in over twenty years, wrote me a letter telling me he loved me. But the best part is I threw Jackson out after he told me I was it for him. And I still refuse to call him because I’m a chicken shit.
Yup, that about sums it up.

“Okay,” she says slowly while glancing around. “I’ll get the graphics people on the phone.”

Great. I’ve made her uncomfortable. With a smile, I try to ease her tension. “No, I think I’ll just go there and check it out myself. If you can get the schedule for the next month of potential accounts coming up, that would be great.”

Her eyes widen as her head tilts to the side. “For upcoming clients? I thought we had another month or two on the Raven account?”

I know I’m not making sense, but moving forward is all I have. I debated sending Taylor in my place on Wednesday and letting her give over all the finalized plans, but I’d lose my job. I could always hand it over to Elle and simply state the client and I weren’t agreeing on how to proceed, but the idea of Elle’s breasts and her lack of clothing anywhere near Jackson makes me sick. So, I’m stuck. I need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

I’m fighting the real problem, which is how much I miss him. The thought of losing him makes it hard to get through the day. I imagine running into him with another woman on his arm, kissing her, touching her, and telling her he loves her. Pain radiates from my heart out through my body. There’s no way I could handle that. Why does he have to be so damn irresistible? And why do I have to be so stubborn?

“Cat?” Taylor breaks me from my thoughts.

I shake my head, drawing air into my lungs before pushing it out loudly. “Sorry, you’re right. I wanted to see what was coming up, but it’s fine.”

“I can grab them, no problem. I just—”

“Seriously, not a big deal.” I smile, trying to ease her confusion. “My head is all over the place.”

Taylor steps forward and sits in the chair. She doesn’t say anything as her eyes assess me. “We’re friends, right?”

“Of course,” I respond.

“Then, no bullshit. What’s wrong?” Her eyes are soft and caring. It’s the same look I got from her when I opened up about Neil’s affair. Taylor sits with her hands in her lap, patiently waiting.

As much as I want to take this moment and lay it all out there, I’m not sure I want to hear a lecture. Every minute that passes, I’m less convinced I did the right thing by throwing Jackson out. Also, I’m realizing my feelings for him run far deeper than I’ve allowed myself to admit. He’s given me strength but never made me feel weak, and along the way he’s embedded himself in my heart.

“Let’s just say that my weekend was less than stellar. The night of the reading of the will was horrific. I’ve got a lot on my mind. I’m sorting it all out.”

She smiles sincerely. “I’m sorry. It’s not like you to call out of work. You’re usually here no matter what.”

“It was a good thing I wasn’t. I needed to take care of some stuff regarding my father. You know me. I’ll be fine.”

“If you want to talk, I’m here.”

Taylor is one of the few people I know I can talk to without fear of judgment. She listens with an open heart. When she moved to New York, she vowed not to let the big city take away her country roots. She’s innocent but not naïve, which allows her to cut through the drama. She has an old soul, one of the purest of anyone I know. And her best asset—even at her young age, she sees and understands things people three and four times her senior wouldn’t. It’s an exceptional gift, but one I have no desire to take advantage of at the moment.

Before she uncovers it all, I cut her off. “I’ll be downstairs with the design team. Page me if you need anything.”

She nods, pressing her lips into a fine line. “Sure thing. I’ll just be out here doing my job, pretending you didn’t just try to deflect.”

“Good. Pretend away.” I smile and head out of the office.

I spend an hour downstairs checking in on the marketing and graphic side of things to get the first press release ready to go out. It gives me the small reprieve I needed from my mind. No Jackson, no Neil, no thoughts of anything else but work.

Once I’m content with everything, I decide to head out for lunch. It’s a beautiful day and I think an hour to myself will help my mood. I grab the subway and head to Central Park. I walk toward an empty bench and kick my heels off. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and embrace the sun and fresh air. The park is tranquil even in its chaos. It’s never empty, but you can always find your own section of heaven.

During the first few minutes, I clear my mind and focus on everything around me. I hear the birds making beautiful music, the leaves rustling in the tree above thanks to the gentle wind blowing through them, and the sound of running feet pounding the pavement, moving forward with each stride.

My mind drifts to Jackson. I imagine him here in the mornings jogging, running through life and finding the courage to keep going. He’s strong in the face of adversity and has found a way to rise above his grief. Every day he cares for the people in not one but two companies. More than that, he cared for me. Jackson’s strength kept me together even when he wasn’t there. I pushed him so hard because I couldn’t take another man leaving. I thought if I shoved him out the door, I’d be protecting myself. As I sit here thinking of the runners and their path through the park, I consider their options: they can stay on the paved road, on solid ground, or they can take a dirt trail and see where it leads. Sure, the road less traveled is bumpy and may be scary, but it could also be amazing.

It applies to me. I can keep on handling things the way I have with Jackson and protect myself, push him away, and keep building the fortress around my heart, or I can rip down that fortress and see where it goes. If I give him the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming he’ll devastate me, we might have a chance.

I glance at my watch. I’ve been enjoying this serenity for over an hour. With a little lighter heart, I trudge back to my office to finish securing my position in the company. Time to be epic.

“Did I miss anything?” I ask Tay as I walk past her.

She jumps a little, holding her hand against her heart. Taking a second to recover, she responds, “I forwarded a few calls to your voicemail. Also, I grabbed the upcoming accounts in the cue, in case you wanted to look.” She smiles and hands me a few papers.

“Perfect. Please hold my calls for the rest of the day. I have a ton of stuff to get done before for tomorrow.”

“No problem,” she replies.

With the door closed, I gather the latest sales figures and start getting everything together. We have a press release going out this week and need to finalize everything, which means I’ll see him again tomorrow. I’m terrified. When he’s around it’s hard to keep things in perspective or focus on anything but him. And he has a way of seeing through my mask, so I know I’ll need to be extremely careful.

Closing my eyes, I remember his touch, the way he says my name, and his smell. I can almost feel his hands moving over my skin, touching every part of my body as I give myself over to him. I remember the feel of him filling me over and over, the sound of his voice calling out my name as he came.

The door bursts open, pulling me from my erotic memories. I look up to see Piper glaring at me as Taylor tries to stop her from entering. Well, this is unexpected and unwelcome.

“Catherine, I’m sorry. I tried to stop her!” Taylor says quickly.

I stand, needing to be on equal ground with her.

“It’s fine. She wouldn’t have listened anyway. She obviously has no class or tact,” I tell Taylor.

“Do you want me to call security?” she asks, glaring at Piper.

While that’s probably the smart thing to do, Piper must be desperate to come to my office and barge in like this.

“No, I’d love to hear why she felt the need to show up unannounced.” I give Taylor a small nod. “You can go ahead and close the door. I’ll yell if I need you.”

My gaze returns to Piper as Taylor closes the door. “Why are you here?” I ask coldly.

She walks forward and sits in a chair, seemingly unaffected by my glacial tone. Piper looks around, picking at her fingernails. “You got me fired.” Her eyes lift as she purses her lips.

“I have no clue what the hell you’re talking about.” Clearly I’m thrown by how she figures I have anything to do with her losing a client.

“Right,” she scoffs. “You had nothing to do with your boyfriend firing me? I doubt that.”

“Piper, I don’t have time for your shit. You come to my office—uninvited—and start talking about something I have no knowledge of.” I roll my eyes at her ridiculous riddle, but I have a feeling there’s more to this. Considering everything that happened on Friday, she could be using this to try to get information. Subtly, I reach for my phone. I press the voice recorder, hoping it works. I don’t trust her at all and I won’t leave her any chance to spin this meeting.

She steps toward me with her hands on her hips. “You owe me a client. A big one.”

I don’t try to hide the short laugh that escapes me. Owe her? I don’t think so. “I owe you absolutely nothing. And it’s not my problem. Maybe you can talk to your boyfriend and he can get you a new client. Plus, I’ve never spoken to Jackson about you.” I give a snide smile. “You’re not worth my time.”

Taking another step, she leans on my desk. “Here’s how I see it. Not only did your boyfriend assault Neil, he then fired me because I refused to sleep with him.” Piper leans back and smiles. “I hope he has a fantastic lawyer because I’m going to bury him.”

Right. This is absolutely insane. No matter what she says, there’s no way I believe Jackson tried to sleep with her. If he fired her for any reason, it’s because she’s incompetent.

“Gosh, Piper. I’m so sorry you lost your client, but I couldn’t give two flying fucks. And you
really
don’t want to threaten me or Jackson.” I smile, sarcasm oozing out of my mouth. I start to walk toward her. With each step I find more strength to confront her. She’s on my turf, in my office, and there’s no way she’s going to make me cower. “If Jackson—sorry, I mean Mr. Cole. Isn’t that what you called him?” I ask petulantly. “Well, if Mr. Cole fired you, I’m sure there was a good reason. Maybe he didn’t like the fact that you,”—I wave my hand in a casual way as if searching for the words—“oh, I don’t know, are a complete idiot and a liar.”