Beloved (36 page)

He grips my hips. “Not yet, baby.”

With my hands now free, I begin to roam his body. His shirt is still half buttoned. I grip the sides, ripping it open and sending buttons flying across the room. My fingers trace the hard, taught planes of his chest, enjoying the feel of it rising and falling heavily. Leaning forward, I use the tip of my tongue, running it from the middle of his chest up to his ear. He braces his hands against the wall as his head drops to the crook of my neck. Jackson’s breathing is labored and I’m savoring how much I’m affecting him. It’s a heady feeling to have such power over a man like him.

I reach his ear and graze the edge. “Jackson,” I softly whisper, “show me how much you missed me.” I smile against his ear before he becomes ravenous.

His tears my bra off, then lifts me with his leg and rips my pants and panties down. I quickly remove his pants and start to push him toward the bedroom, but he grips both wrists in his one hand, pressing me back on the wall. His other hand slips between us as he circles my clit.

“I’ll fucking show you, baby. You’re soaking wet for me.” Jackson moans as he slips a finger into my pussy. “Did you miss me, Catherine?”

I try to pull my hands away, but he grips them harder, keeping me at his mercy. “I want to touch you.”

Jackson inserts a second finger. My legs buckle, but he holds me up easily. “I’m going to make you remember why you’re not allowed to run anymore.” His voice is primal and demanding. “You want to be found, baby?” Jackson’s thumb presses against my clit, eliciting a long moan as my eyes roll back.

Does he actually want me to answer? I’m incapable of speaking let alone answering any questions right now. With his one hand still restraining me and the other doing incredible things to my pussy, he leans forward and licks his tongue around my nipple. He brings it into his mouth, teasing and sucking. I writhe against him but get no relief.

“Jackson, please!” I’m begging for everything. I feel everything, everywhere, and I need to release. It’s too much. My head falls back as the sensations threaten to overwhelm me.

“Are you going to push me away again?” he asks forcefully while he twists his fingers and presses on the bundle of nerves with his thumb. My vision becomes fuzzy as he increases the pressure and bites down on my nipple.

“Oh God.” I’m so close. My impending orgasm is right there and I’m desperate. I move my hips, trying to get there. Jackson releases his thumb and withdraws his fingers. My eyes open in protest.

Jackson releases my hands, grasps my legs, and lifts me while rubbing his cock against my sex. “Wrap your legs around me. I want you to come when I’m inside of you.” I comply as he thrusts his dick inside me. His eyes roll back and he takes a second before he begins to move. “Fuck. You feel incredible.” His voice is thick with pleasure.

Incredible doesn’t begin to explain how I feel. I’m in complete ecstasy. All the days of being apart are gone. I’ve never been more with him than I am right now. We are one. Our bodies are connected and I’m giving myself to him in every way. My heart will never be mine again. Every fiber of my being is screaming
I love you
. The three words are on the tip of my tongue, but I bite them back. It’s too soon to tell him how much he owns me. With every push, I fight hard to keep them to myself. But I hope one day he’ll feel the same.

Jackson pushes deeper, slamming my back against the wall. It’s pleasure and pain combining, taking me higher toward release.

“Are. You. Going. To. Run?” He enunciates every word in between thrusts. “Tell me. Tell me you’re mine!” It’s anger mixed with hunger and need. When I don’t respond, he stops moving and stares into my eyes. “Don’t fucking run from me again!”

“Jackson!” I call out as he pounds again, harder. I swear I’m going to black out from the pleasure overload. As soon as I reach the brink, he slows, holding off my orgasm. “Please,” I beg.

“Answer me,” he demands, holding me against the wall and refusing to move.

“I’m yours!” I cry in out in frustration. “Now move!” Each nerve in my body is burning. I’m shaking, on the verge of tears.

“Damn fucking right you are.” He lifts me slowly, gradually increasing his pace and adjusting his hips to ensure he hits every nerve while his cock rubs the sweet spot inside of me. He grinds his teeth, trying to hold off his own orgasm. “Let go, Catherine.”

As my muscles coil, Jackson rears back and plunges hard, causing my orgasm to rip through me. “Yes! Jackson!” I shriek over and over as he fucks me until he finally releases.

I’m pressed against the wall as we both try to slow our breathing. That was the best sex I’ve ever had. Then I realize why it felt so different—no condom. Jackson slides out and kisses the top of my nose. I love when he does that. It’s sweet and tender. Our eyes meet before I go to the bathroom to clean up. When I come back, Jackson’s sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.

“Well that was one helluva a hello.” I laugh as I sit beside him.

His shoulders are hunched even after I sit. “I didn’t plan that.”

“I’m not complaining.” I raise my brow, giving him a playful smirk.

He pulls me against his chest with a chuckle. “Good to know. Also, I’ll make a mental note—you’re more agreeable when I fuck it out of you.”

“Asshole.” I feign anger and slap his chest. “Maybe next time I’ll refuse to answer.”

“Go ahead. It’ll just make it that much more fun to get you to agree.” His smirk reaches his eyes, fully erasing the expression he wore when he first arrived.

Jackson gazes at me with reverence. It warms me, offering reassurance in my decision to let him in, find happiness again, and stop running from fear. Some of my newfound peace comes from dealing with my father’s death. Another part is because I did push Jackson away and it forced me to see how life without him would be.

His thumb whispers across my lower lip, releasing a flurry of butterflies in my belly. A simple touch says so much. “You felt so fucking amazing. I couldn’t think straight.” He looks away with regret in his eyes.

My lips part as I kiss his thumb, enjoying how his eyes close at my touch. I look up from beneath my lashes. “We probably should’ve talked before this, but we’re good. I’m on birth control.” I smile.

Jackson gives a crisp nod. “Yeah, we probably should’ve.”

“Well neither of us thought about it, so I guess we both fucked up.”

Lacing his fingers with mine, his voice drops to a sad whisper. “We need to talk.”

“About?” I try to keep my voice steady. My heart begins to race as doubt seeps through me. Please tell me we aren’t going to go back now. I told him I was his. He pushed me to answer him. I’ve allowed myself to admit I love him. This would devastate me.

His phone rings again, but he silences it.

“The last few days were horrible. I know you thought you needed space, but I won’t be pushed away again. If you push me, I’ll push harder. I’m not your piece of shit ex who’s going to run away like a pussy.” His eyes pierce through me as he squares his shoulders. “I meant it. You’re it for me.” The sincerity rings clear in his voice.

I want to tell him. Tell him how I won’t run. How I can’t run away anymore. I love him. I love how he makes me feel. My heart clenches as I gather my strength and prepare to lay it all out for him.

“Jackson—” His phone rings again, halting me from saying anything more. He groans at the incessant ringing. “Go ahead and grab that. I’m not going anywhere.” I give him a reassuring smile.

Jackson stands, walking toward the window as he answers the phone. “What?” he says in a clipped tone.

I get up to gather the clothes we shed by the door when I hear him slam his hand against the wall. Looking over, I see his shoulders are slumped as he listens to whoever’s on the other line. “An IED?” He stops talking for a moment. “Casualties?”

I stop moving. I watch Jackson, waiting to hear what happened. It happens so fast. Jackson rears his fist back and punches a hole in the wall. My mouth is agape as I watch him continue to slam his hand against the wall. His face is contorted in pain. He looks … defeated. Do I comfort him? I don’t know what’s wrong or why he’s so upset.

He yells into the receiver, “How fucking many?”

The pain in his voice breaks me. Something’s wrong—very wrong. I walk over to him, but he puts his hand up to stop me.

His entire body is shaking and his voice cracks when he asks, “Aaron?” A short pause. “Fuck! No …” The sound that comes from his chest tears through me. It’s a cry and a scream all mixed into one, and I’m sure it’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard. Immediately, tears begin to form in his eyes. I want to go to him, but he turns his back to me.

I start putting the pieces together. Aaron is his buddy that works for him. He was also on the mission in Afghanistan, the one where they lost friends. He was going to maybe handle something overseas? My hand covers my mouth as I start to draw conclusions.

His hands fist into his hair as he leans forward with his head against the wall. I pray this isn’t what I think it is. He can’t lose another friend.

Please, God, don’t do this to him.

“I can’t—” he says but stops as a tear falls from his eye. “No! I’ll call her. Get the fucking plans in motion. We leave tonight! I don’t give a shit what you have to do. Wake everyone—we’re wheels up in three hours.” His phone tumbles to the floor as he stands there with a vacant look.

Jackson’s chest is heaving with exaggerated breaths. Hesitantly, I take a step toward him.

“Jackson, what happened?” I ask quietly. He turns, eyes glistening with tears, but he doesn’t respond.

I watch as he crumples to the floor. Every part of his body is quivering. I rush over, wrapping my arms around him as he sobs. He’s breaking. My chest is cracking open watching the man I love fall apart. Tears fall with every strangled, broken sound that Jackson releases. All I can do is hold him close while he unloads his grief.

“Talk to me. What happened?” I croon softly, not releasing my hold. “Hey.” I lift his face, trying to get him to look at me.

He shifts, pulling away from my embrace. I feel the loss everywhere and see the change as soon as he stands. He’s shutting down. Two steps forward, one step back. The mask of indifference has secured itself.

With eyes closed, he takes two deep breaths before speaking. “What happened?” Jackson asks sarcastically. He pushes the air from his lungs in frustration. “I’ll tell you what happened—I did it again!”

“Did what again?” I ask quietly.

He throws his hands in the air and begins to pace the room. “I fucking knew it.”

I start to approach him, trying to keep my tone calm. “I don’t understand. What did you know?”

Jackson stops moving. His eyes widen as if he forgot I was here. The harshness in his voice slices through me. “I’m no good for you.”

“Why would you say that?” His statement stuns me, especially since he just said he’d fight for me. What the hell happened on the phone to make him think this?

“Don’t you get it? Everyone I love dies!” Jackson approaches but stops. “I can’t let you be the next one. I’ll die before I let that happen.”

I’m lost. “Jackson, talk to me.” I place my hand on his arm, but he shoves it away. The rejection burns through my veins. “Don’t push me away. I’m trying to understand,” I urge him.

“I’m not pushing you away. I’m saving you!” he yells and walks over to grab his phone. “I won’t let it happen to you too!”

“Let what happen? You’re not making any sense!” I say to him as he heads toward the door. “Stop! Talk to me!” I beg him. He made me promise not to run but that’s exactly what he’s doing.

It’s like we’ve gone back to three days ago, only now I’m on the other side. He’s breaking and I can’t stop it. Desperate to get him to listen, I run in front of him, placing myself between him and the door and hoping it will stop him. His eyes are unfocused and void as the storm rages within him. He’s going to break my heart right here. The irony is not lost on me—I gave it to him only to have it shattered. My stomach churns as I see the truth of that reflected in his eyes. Whether I’m standing here or not, he’s walking out this door. I’ve already lost him.

His face is ashen as he chokes out the words. He’s speaking but not to me. “How many more tattoos do I have to get? Huh? How many ways do I have to mark my mistakes?” Jackson looks at me, desperation flashing across his face. “I’m protecting you, Catherine. I won’t let you love me.”

A tear cascades as the words fall out. “Too late.”

His eyes snap up at my admission and his nostrils flare. He quickly pushes forward. “Don’t! Don’t say that!” The muscles in his neck are pulsing with rage and frustration.

“I will say it because it’s true. What did you think was going to happen? I knew I was falling for you. Then you told me … you told me I was it for you! Don’t walk away. Don’t give up on us.”

Leaning close to my face, his warm breath washes over my cheek while my tears fall freely. Ever so slowly, his hand lifts. He gently removes a droplet of pain from my cheek only to have more follow in its path. His lips tenderly find purchase on my temple. “I’m not giving up. I’m giving you a chance.”