Beneath the Badge (First Responders) (9 page)

“I’m sorry. What happened?”

She flattened her expression. “She ate oxy like it was a pack of Tic Tacs.” It had been Lindsay who had found the empty bottle. Who had given it to her father, too young to understand what the bottle meant.

“Jesus, Lindsay.” He pulled his hands out of his pockets. “That’s terrible.”

“It is what it is.”

“Is that what all this…guilt is about?”

“Guilt? I don’t have any guilt.” Though she suspected she did. That there must have been something she could have done to change the course of things. The logical side of her knew that it was too much to ask of a child. But there was another side of her that would always wonder what might have made a difference.

“So you’re just going to let this go? Because I happen to think we have a good thing here. That it’s worth exploring.”

“You don’t understand.” She looked up at him, tempted to forget about everything that nagged at her, longing to just let go and be with him and screw her misgivings.

But some hurts just ran too deep. It was already hurting to end this before it really started. How much worse would it be if she really started to care about him? If she…

No. She couldn’t even contemplate the word
love
.

“My mom dying wasn’t the worst of it, Matt. My dad raised me. To the outside eye it looked okay. I got a lot of sympathy because I was motherless. But my dad…everyone thought he was so great. It looked like it in public. He was smart and handsome and always smiling.”

“He wasn’t as great as he seemed?”

“I love my dad, I do. But I spent most of my formative years trying to please him. He suffers from horrible depression and after Mom died it was worse. I grew up beneath that dark cloud and I also tried over and over to be the wind that blew it away. It was up to me to make things right. If I wanted Christmas I had to decorate for it. If I wanted a party with my friends, I had to do all the planning. Dinners at home, even smiles…they were all conditional. I thought getting good marks would make him happy, so I made straight As. Then I wondered if I screwed up if it would make a difference—if I’d get more attention. So I broke curfew. Came home drunk one night in my last year of high school. Anything to get him to engage…”

“I’m sorry,” Matt murmured.

“Not your fault,” she said flatly. “I learned that when I did things his way, it was okay. It was bearable. When I didn’t, it was like the air in the house weighed a million pounds and all of it was squeezing the life out of me. He was too damaged for me to fix but it didn’t stop me from trying. Until he finally just gave up on me and told me so.”

“Gave up on you?” His eyebrows pulled together. “How could he give up on you? Look at you. You’re smart, beautiful. You’re a veterinarian for God’s sake. You run your own business, you donate your time to causes…”

“My dad’s a scholar. He wanted a
real
doctor. A surgeon or oncologist or something with some prestige. This was a waste of my time, apparently. But it was what I wanted, and for the first time ever, I put my foot down. Hard. And I didn’t budge.” Her last visit—the Sunday Matt had come looking for her—had been much the same as all the others. There was still time to get her medical degree. She could sell her rat trap of a house and buy something newer and flashier. To her father, things and appearances were all that mattered.

“I still don’t see what this has to do with you and me,” he insisted.

She sighed. “You’re damaged goods, Matt, and you always will be. You’ve done things and seen things that have changed you. You beat things to try to exorcise your demons and have nightmares when you can’t. I just don’t have it in me to sign up for that. I can’t go through my life trying to make things better for other people. It might make me selfish, and I can live with that. I’d rather be honest with you from the beginning. I’m just not up for it, okay?”

Silence blanketed the kitchen for a moment. Then, softer than she’d ever heard his voice before, Matt spoke. “The animals…they accept you for who you are. They don’t expect perfection from you. They don’t pressure you to fix them. They’re just grateful, right? And their affection isn’t conditional.”

His words reached in and touched her so deeply that she didn’t quite know what to do. It was exactly why she loved her job. Why she never regretted for a moment making the choice she had. There was a love between people and their pets that was pure with no room for baggage or agenda. There was a unique ability for humans and animals to heal each other, far more than she’d ever witnessed between people.

“Yes,” she confessed. “It’s simple and honest.”

He smiled sadly. “People tend to complicate things, don’t they?”

The backs of her eyes stung. “I know I sound like a terrible person. There are times I wish I was different.”

“You’re not terrible. We’re all shaped by our lives that came before. I know I am, so how can I blame you for the same?”

She looked down at her toes. She hadn’t expected him to understand.

“I’d better get going,” he said. “You probably have to get ready for work.”

“I do.”

He came over to her then, put his hands on her arms. “Look at me,” he commanded. She obeyed and looked up into his eyes. “Something changed between us last night. We might as well admit it. And if you’re not up for taking it any further, I appreciate your honesty. It’s not easy being with a cop at the best of times. With what you went through, I get it, Linds. I’m disappointed, but I get it.”

She wished he wouldn’t be so nice. If he stormed out of here it’d be easier to dislike him. Or forget. She was pushing him away but he was giving up pretty easily. Like it was no big deal. Not that she wanted to hurt him, but it might be nice to know she wasn’t quite so easy to walk away from.

She followed him to the door and held it as he stepped out onto the step. “Matt?”

He turned back to face her and she felt the first stirrings of regret. “Look, I’ve never told anyone that stuff, so I’d appreciate it if…”

He gave a short nod. “No worries. And if you’d do likewise…”

“Of course.”

Calling it off but keepers of each other’s secrets. Wasn’t that a kick in the pants.

“I’ll see you around, Lindsay.”

“Yeah. You too.”

She watched as he backed out of the driveway and then disappeared into the morning traffic on Main Street.

It was the right thing. She knew it was. What was so surprising was how much it hurt to be right.

Chapter Six

Summer deepened and the heat intensified as several days went by without rain. Lindsay was cursing the old house these days and the lack of air conditioning that made the upstairs bedroom suffocating at night. She worked, went home, occasionally went for a drink with friends or to some event at the park. Sometimes she saw Matt, frequently in uniform and sometimes out of it. He was back to his charming, smiling self. Like nothing between them had ever happened.

It was what she wanted. It shouldn’t make her feel slighted…or sad.

She missed him. Their affair had been remarkably brief but she missed it. She missed his sly smile and the excitement and even the way they’d been able to talk in the moments they’d managed to keep their hands off each other.

Sending him on his way hadn’t accomplished much.

It was just before the August long weekend and Lindsay was in the middle of a crazy day at the office when the news first broke and spread like wildfire through town.

Miranda Jones, a local woman who lived out by the Deep Hollow Road, had gone missing. Her car was at home, but no one had seen her since yesterday morning at a doctor’s appointment. Local authorities were conducting a search in the area around Sunken Lake.

Local authorities. That would mean Matt. She thought about all he’d told her, about finding this Helen woman and how she’d died. She truly hoped that this woman was found safe and sound somewhere. And if she wasn’t, that someone other than Matt found her. If the dogs turned him inside out, this would be a hundred times worse.

Mid-afternoon, Ally Jackson came in with the two dogs she was fostering from the puppy mill. During the checkup the subject of the missing woman came up and Ally shook her head sadly. “Chris and the rest of the guys in the fire department are helping with the search. He can’t say much, but from what I can gather there’s a reason why they’re searching that particular area.”

It didn’t take much to leap to a sad conclusion. “Oh, no.” Lindsay gave the terrier a soft pat and frowned. “That’s terrible. Her poor family.”

Ally nodded. “I can’t imagine what it would be like waiting for news, worried about a loved one. And I know it’s hard on the people searching. Can you imagine what it must be like to come across…” She broke off and sighed.

Lindsay was glad she hadn’t said the words they’d both been thinking. Maybe the woman would be found alive and well and it would all be a big misunderstanding.

“The dogs are doing well, Ally. You’re doing a great job looking after them.”

The other woman smiled. “Least I can do, you know? Though it’s getting a little difficult with Chris taking on his latest renovation project.”

“Again? Didn’t he just redo all the floors and put in new cabinets?”

Ally nodded, but Lindsay noticed her eyes had an extra sparkle. “We’re moving the wall between the second and third bedrooms to make them a little more even. Then there’s the redecorating. But I’m waiting to see whether or not it should be pink or blue.”

Lindsay’s mouth dropped open. “Oh my God! You’re pregnant!” She gave her friend a gentle hug and couldn’t stop the smile from spreading across her face. “How far along?”

“Just a couple of months. We haven’t told everyone yet, but you were there in the beginning when Chris and I got back together. I’m pretty excited.”

“Of course you are. Oh Ally, this is so great. You’re going to be a great mom.”

“Thanks.” She put her hand on her stomach. “It’s weird. I know it’s just this tiny little…dot, really, and still I already love it.”

Lindsay’s heart twisted. She was completely happy for Ally. But she was over thirty and the only man she’d let close in years she’d also pushed away. Marriage, babies…she wanted those things. In her heart and in a theoretical sort of way. But when it came down to the practicalities she was way more cautious. Perhaps too cautious. She wasn’t sure it would ever happen and it wasn’t like she had all the time in the world. Once she’d hit thirty her clock had started to tick. Quietly, but it was there, ticking away in the background.

Ally left and Lindsay went through the motions of the rest of her day, but their conversation stuck in her mind, as well as concern for both the missing woman and for Matt. He had to be finding this difficult. After all, he’d come to town to avoid big-city crime and this sort of investigation. The memories alone would be tough to take. When she shut down for the night, she stopped and grabbed a take-out pizza before heading to the old warehouse.

Music was thumping from behind the door when she knocked. When there was no answer, she pounded with her fist. She was rewarded by a lowering of the volume and the sound of footsteps coming to the door.

When he opened it she nearly bit her tongue. He was still in uniform. He looked bigger than ever and so very official standing in the doorway. There were wrinkles in his shirt, dust on his trousers and his face was a combination of sweat and dirt. He looked amazing.

“I heard about Miranda Jones,” she offered. “Figured you probably had a hard day and could use something to eat.”

She held up the pizza box. “I seem to remember you saying you liked extra sausage during one of our conversations, so I had them load it up.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to. I knew you’d be involved. Ally Jackson said the volunteer fire department is too.”

He nodded. “Pretty much all local resources are helping out and we’re coordinating in Kentville.”

“No luck?”

He grimaced. “I can’t really talk about that, you know?”

“Oh,” she said, a little embarrassed. Of course he couldn’t reveal any details of the case. “Right. Sorry.”

He took the pizza box. “This was really thoughtful of you.”

His words were warm but there was something about his face that seemed odd. Strained, and she got the weird feeling that he was anxious for her to leave. In her mind she’d pictured him inviting her to join him. She’d refuse, of course. She wasn’t trying to go back on her decision. It was just being…friendly. But he hadn’t invited her at all. He kept one hand on the door like he was ready to close it as soon as she took a step backward.

“Just figured you could use it after a hard day,” she said, pasting on a smile. “I guess I should get back…”

Movement over Matt’s shoulder caught her attention. “Hey, Parker, if that's pizza I smell you’re a God. I could eat a horse.”

Lindsay’s face flamed. The woman behind Matt was dressed in sweats and a hoodie and was rubbing a towel through her hair. Straight from Matt’s shower from the looks of it.

“Oh, hi,” she said, smiling. “I’ll go halvsies on the pizza, Matt. Let me get my wallet.”

“Jan, this is Lindsay, a friend of mine.”