Beneath the Badge (First Responders) (10 page)

Could her humiliation be more complete? This
Jan
thought that Lindsay was a delivery girl? She wanted to sink through the floor. Clearly Matt hadn’t waited too long to move on. Even in sweats Lindsay could see that the other woman was very pretty and in excellent shape.

“Hi,” Lindsay offered weakly, but at the sound of her voice she lifted her chin. She had her pride after all.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. I smelled the food and Matt has the box…”

“It’s okay.”

Matt looked from Jan to Lindsay and back again. “Lindsay’s the local vet and…and a friend.” It sounded as though he had a hard time saying the words. “She heard about today and figured it might have been a rough day.”

“That’s really nice,” Jan said, looping the towel over her shoulders.

“Jan’s ground search and rescue,” he explained. “From Halifax. We’re getting an early start in the morning, so I told her rather than drive all the way home and get up at the butt-crack of dawn, I have a big sofa and she could crash here for the night.”

It sounded a little weak to her—after all, she was sure that people involved in the search could find a hotel in the area. “I’m sure you must be worn out. I need to go. The puppies are staying at my place tonight, so enjoy.”

She took a step back, surprised at herself for coming up with the lie so easily. The puppies were fostered out and doing great. And maybe he
was
telling the truth about offering Jan a place to crash.

That didn’t mean there wasn’t something going on though. Men like Matt were used to finding comfort in strange situations, weren’t they? It was no secret that he used his charm like a weapon. And what better relief after a stressful day than…

She turned and gripped the stair railing, ready to make her escape. A good time without emotions. She wondered if she was thinking about him or the way she usually preferred things. Looking in the mirror right now didn’t seem all that fun.

“Hey, Lindsay…”

It was hard to read his eyes right now. He’d put up the walls she’d glimpsed before, giving no clue to his feelings. She wondered if it was about keeping her out, or keeping the case out. Either way, she had no idea what he was truly thinking. All she knew was that she wasn’t included.

“Thanks for the pizza. It really was thoughtful of you.”

“I’ll see you around,” she answered, and trotted down the stairs and back to her car before she could put her foot in her mouth any further.

It wasn’t just that she felt foolish. It was a different feeling, one quite unexpected and unwanted.

For a few moments back there she’d been jealous. She’d felt
proprietary
. But Matt wasn’t hers. She’d made sure of that. And she could bring him pizza on a bad day but wasn’t really equipped to offer him more than that. So it shouldn’t really matter that there was a strange woman sharing his place tonight. Maybe even sharing his bed.

But it did matter. More than she expected or wanted it to.

Chapter Seven

The pizza box was warm on the palm of his hand and he stared out the door for a few moments before sighing, turning around and kicking it shut with his booted foot.

“Girlfriend? Ex?” Jan smiled and lifted a single eyebrow. “Wannabe?”

“Complicated,” he answered. He liked Jan. They’d met at a mock-search event a few months earlier and hit it off. When he’d seen her today it had been nice to see a friendly and familiar face. That was as far as it went though. In Matt’s eyes, she was a colleague, nothing more, and she had a boyfriend. He’d extended the invite to crash as he would have if she’d been a man. As a buddy.

She laughed, grabbing the ends of her towel. “She didn’t like seeing me here. Is that good for you or bad?”

He couldn’t help but smile. “Maybe good. I didn’t know she had it in her to be jealous.”

She gave him a knowing look. “Matt, if you and I were…and I saw you with someone else…” She grinned. “I’d claw her eyes out. Just lucky for you I’m spoken for.”

“He’s okay with you staying here the night?”

She shrugged. “He trusts me and I trust him. Besides, he’s deployed, so it’s not like he’s home waiting for me to come in the door. It’s empty there all alone. But another six weeks and hopefully he’ll be home.” Another smile lit her face. “Then you’ll be lucky to see me outside the house. I’ll be stuck to him like white on rice.”

She held out her hand and waggled her fingers. “So tell me, are we going to eat that or just let it get cold?”

He got out plates and a couple of cans of pop from the fridge. Before long they had stuffed themselves with pizza. The whole time Matt was thinking how Lindsay should be there eating with them. It had been a rotten day. Just being around her would have made things better.

But then, she didn’t want to know about his day. How the case made him relive scenes he’d rather forget. It was his job to stay focused and impersonal, but he was really struggling with it. The change of pace here was supposed to heal things, make them better. Make him forget. Instead, he’d been thrown into the mix of a nasty case, and by the look of the evidence piling up, it was likely going to come to a violent conclusion.

It occurred to him that he’d made a critical error. There really was no escaping the ugliness of humanity. No place was immune. Not even this pretty, small town.

And if that were true, what was he going to do? Could he really stay on the job and find a way to deal with the stuff he’d seen and done?

Or was he actually considering leaving law enforcement altogether? When had a person had enough to make them walk away? And who was he if he wasn’t a cop?

“Matt? You okay?”

Jan’s soft voice interrupted his thoughts and he looked up, slightly disoriented. He’d been so deep in his own head he’d actually forgotten she was there.

“I’m okay. A bit tired.”

He snagged another slice of pizza but just picked at the crust. He wished now that he’d never offered Jan a place to sleep. If he’d been alone, Lindsay would have stayed, shared dinner. Maybe they would have made love. Or he could have held her in his arms for a while. Lately it seemed that nothing made him feel quite as alive as being with her.

But knowing Lindsay’s past, knowing the job her father’s illness had done on her, how could he ask her to take him on? She was the only person he really wanted near right now—and for the first time in his life he wasn’t selfish enough to take what he wanted. He really, truly cared for her, didn’t he? Enough to think of her first. Enough to let her go.

“It’s been a long day, and we’re in for a longer one tomorrow.” He faked a smile and put the plates from the pizza in the sink. “You take the bed. I’m going to have a quick shower and I’ll take the couch.”

“You don’t have to do that. I’m the one crashing, remember?”

He stared past her. “Believe me, I’ve slept in places far worse than my couch. The bed’s all yours.”

“If you’re sure, thanks.”

He let out a breath. “Sorry I’m not very good company.”

“You’ll feel better after a shower. Don’t sweat it. We could both use some sleep. We’ll be up before dawn.”

He nodded and escaped to his room to grab some clean clothes. The hot shower felt good but the nagging, heavy feeling persisted. Miranda Jones was out there somewhere. He knew it in his gut. They weren’t going to find her in a nearby town or holed up in someone’s house, oblivious to the fact that people were looking for her. This was not going to have a happy ending. She was out there, and he should be thinking only of locating her and moving forward with the investigation. He should be seeking answers.

Instead, the only thought running through his brain over and over was how he didn’t want to be the one to find her.

He’d lost his edge. And he wasn’t sure he could get it back, or if he even wanted to.

Lindsay had two appointments left in the day when the news rolled through town on a shockwave. The body of Miranda Jones had been found just east of the lake where they’d been searching for the past three days.

She didn’t know if search-and-rescue Jan had been staying at Matt’s all that time. She didn’t want to know. She’d felt like a fool walking in there the other night. After all, she’d been the one to break things off. He was free to do whatever he wanted with whomever he wanted.

It didn’t stop the sting of jealousy or the embarrassment though. Especially when she’d been mistaken for the delivery girl.

But those feelings were just the tip of the iceberg, because when she’d returned home licking her wounds, she’d realized something really important. For all her talk of not wanting to involve herself in Matt’s drama, for wanting to extricate herself from his damaged soul…it was all a bunch of hooey. At the first sign of trouble, the first inkling that he might be dealing with something difficult, she’d reacted by trying to help. By inserting herself into his life the way she’d insisted she never could.

She should just stay away. Not get sucked into the drama…

It was not up to her to fix Matt Parker. Not her job to kiss his wounds and make everything better. Except…

Except now she knew. She knew at least part of what he’d been through and she was certain he’d spared her loads of details. And knowing what she did, she also knew that finding that young woman’s body would bring back a lot of horrible memories for him. If a few mistreated dogs made him take out his anger on a heavy bag, the death of a young woman was sure to send him toppling over the edge. Someone should be there to catch him.

In between patients she zipped to the back office and dialled her cell. When Ally Jackson answered, she didn’t waste any time. “Ally, it’s Lindsay. I take it you’ve heard?”

Ally’s voice was shaking. “Chris called about twenty minutes ago. They’re shutting down the base for the search crews and then he’s on his way home. It’s up to the police now.”

“Did he happen to give any details?”

“Um…”

She understood Ally’s hesitation, that this was an ongoing investigation and certain details couldn’t be released. “Not about what happened. Just…do you know
who
found her?”

Ally let out a breath. “Yeah. Chris said word came down that Matt Parker found her just after lunchtime. I suppose he’ll still be out there with a team, processing the scene.”

Oh God. Why couldn’t it have been someone else? This had to be Matt’s worst nightmare. She thought about how he’d called out in his dreams, how he’d confessed to not saving Helen in time. She didn’t want him to be alone.

“Thanks, Ally,” she managed. “I gotta go.”

Her hands were shaking when she hung up the phone, and she stood, a bit numbly, in the center of the room for a few minutes, simply wondering what to do next. She had appointments to finish. And who knew when Matt would be free to go home? She had to pull herself together. First things first. She’d finish out her afternoon and then she’d go by his place. If he wasn’t home, she’d try the detachment. And go from there. One thing she knew for sure. Matt had to be taking this hard. And she would be there for him.

She’d been waiting in the visitor parking area for nearly an hour when the door opened and Matt walked out. He was in full uniform, the visor of his cap pulled low over his forehead, shading his eyes. He was headed to where his car was parked when she opened her car door and stood, half-in and half-out.

He must have seen the movement because he stopped and glanced her way.

He was close enough that she could see his face. For the briefest of flashes there was naked agony etched on his features, but then he shuttered it away. She deserved that. She was the one who said she didn’t want to get involved in his problems. Who didn’t want messy emotions.

“Matt,” she called softly. She got the rest of the way out of the car and left the door open as she started walking to him. Tears burned behind her eyelids. He looked so tired. So beaten. His throat bobbed as he swallowed and nerves tightened in her belly. This was not simple or easy or neat. It was ugly and messy and she had to fight against the urge to turn and run the other way. The only thing that kept her walking was knowing how much he was hurting. And knowing that she needed him to hold her too.

He took a few halting steps in her direction. Without pausing, she met him on the paved driveway, put her arms around his neck and held him close.

She could feel his vest and trauma plate beneath his shirt. Felt the hard edge of the leather holster for his gun as well as whatever else he kept on his belt. She wished she could get to the man beneath the uniform, the reassurance of warm skin and the beat of his heart against her cheek. But when he put his arms around her the armor and equipment ceased to matter. He held her as close as he could, and she felt his hands tremble as one spread across her back and the other slid up under the hair at her neck.

“I’m so, so sorry,” she whispered. “Oh, Matt.”

He inhaled, his breath shaking. “God, you’re an answer to a prayer today, you know that?”

She tightened her arms. “When I heard I knew I had to find you. Today had to be so hard. Are you okay?”

“Not really.” He gave a quick squeeze and then let her go. “We’re in the middle of the parking lot. Can we get out of here?”