Better Than Me (2 page)

“Hi.  Thinking about my classes.
” 

“Not Jake?” 

“Why would you say that?”

“I saw you two during lunch, sitting next to each other, talk
ing.”  She says the word talking while making the bunny ears air quotes gesture.

I protest, “Julie Ann
, we weren’t “sitting together,”  He just sat down in the empty seat next to me and yes, we were talking, because that’s what you do at the lunch table. It would be awkward otherwise.” 

“So, what do you think of him?” she asks. 

“I…what is this? Did you have Charlie bring him to lunch so we could meet?  Please tell me you are not setting me up.”  Jules smiles and rolls her eyes down to look at me.  She’s way taller than my five feet, barely two inches; five, five when I’m rockin’ the heels, which is most of the time. Strangely though, not today. 

“I didn’t tell Charlie to bring Jake and Davis, but I figured they’d be with him.  They have been hanging out together ALL su
mmer, except late at night,” she adds in a sexy kitten voice. 

“Oh my god, I d
on’t need to know that, Jules.”

She snorts a little laugh.  “I am not setting you up with anyone.  They just seem like good guys and you’ve had such a crappy spring and summer.  I think being with all of us
will get you back to the happy-super-fun-to be around Biz.” 

“I’ve been a drag, huh?” 

“Yeah, a little.  I love you.  I just want you to be okay.”  Jules is awesome.  She has her own family and love life and shit to worry about and she still thinks about me.  I already know some stuff about Jake.  Jules fills me in on a few more details.  No girlfriend that she knows of.  Never seen him with anyone.

“What’s the deal with Davis?”

Jules raises an eyebrow and repeats my question, “The deal with Davis?  I mostly just know what Charlie’s told me—a few facts.  I haven’t got a bead on him yet.  He’s older than we are.  I think 24 or 25.  Transferred this summer from some school in Illinois.  He is supposed to graduate in December and then start right in on his Master’s in the spring.  He’s won some mega techie scholarship to Weldon from the Theatre Department.  Word is he is this lighting and sound whiz kid.  The ladies apparently like him, as you witnessed in the cafeteria.  The guys seem to believe he is getting laid every night.  Oh, AND he’s engaged.”

“So it’s appropriate a guy like him comes with a warning.” I say snarkily.

“Huh?”

Was she not at lunch?  “Did you not notice what it said acr
oss his chest on his shirt at lunch?” 

“Oh, the warning label thing, I get it.  Obviously YOU read it
, or were you just checking him out?”

“Jules, you know this year is not about that.  Any of that.”

Right then, I make a decision.  It’s not difficult.  Jules’ super spy intelligence on the guys really makes the decision for me.  Davis is a player.  Davis is engaged. Davis makes my stomach flip.  Something about Davis feels dangerous and exciting.  I need to FORGET about Davis, no matter how he makes me feel.  Between the two, Jake makes me less edgy.  I have a feeling we would get along and there would be no danger of becoming obsessive about him.  If nothing else we could be friends.  I wouldn’t lose control.  Of the two, Jake is the smart choice. 

T
he only one, actually.

Chapter 4: THEN-Spring Semester-Junior Year

When you’ve worked with someone for a year and a half and you’ve never interacted with them other than to say “Hi” or something during a mandatory meeting, you certainly don’t expect to be entangled in a life-altering relationship with them that changes you completely. 

Neil
had worked as an RA with me since I got the job in the fall of my sophomore year.  Working as an RA does not mean you become close with all of the other RAs.  There were a lot of us: one or two per floor.  With two buildings in our complex, one with four floors and one with six, staff meetings were loud and crowded.  We had one every week in a small private dining room that you entered through a door off the main cafeteria.

Neil
was a person you’d notice.  He was strikingly handsome—model handsome—

but that wasn’t all. 
Tall, slim and muscular, he had a presence about him that was distant and aloof, to the point of being intimidating.  His perfectly groomed black hair and gray eyes, behind an obviously expensive pair of European designer glasses, added to the question mark that was Neil.  The entire Neil package put off the message, “I am beautiful, smart and confident, and I know it.” Hell, I’d noticed him the first day of my RA training.  He didn’t notice me.

Honestly, I was a bit puzzled
when after a year and a half of almost no conversation and only fleeting eye contact, that at one of our Tuesday evening dinner/staff meetings at the start of spring semester, he pulled out the chair next to me, leaned in really close and said, “Good evening, Biz.”  I didn’t even think he knew my name.  I stuttered out a whispered “genius” response, something along the lines of, “Hey.”  Neil chuckled and proceeded to put his arm around the back of my chair and then focused his attention on our director, Jan Little or Little Jan, as we called her behind her back (she WAS NOT little) as she started the meeting.  His arm was warm on my upper back.  I was willed myself not to wiggle or, god forbid, sweat.  It’s impossible to will yourself not to sweat, by the way.  As the meeting continued and we discussed exciting resident assistant topics along the lines of the number of lock-outs, security issues and toilet paper, the backs of Neil’s fingers were lightly grazing my arm. I tensed up.  I turned to look at him and he just shot me a closed lip smile and a wink.  A wink!  What in the hell was going on?  I tried to be cool, but inside I was a mess.  Neil, hot Neil, was sitting by me and touching me!

When the meeting ended
, Neil’s arm left the back of my chair.  Saying nothing and slinging my book bag over my shoulder, I picked up my tray and took it to the tray return just outside of the private dining room. 

“You’re on the all
guys floor of Merten, aren’t you?”  I turned quickly to realize Neil was right behind me.  I deposited my tray, adjusted my book bag and continued to walk out of the cafeteria, heading to my room. 

“Y
ep, I’m the lucky girl!” I replied with a genuine smile.  Neil continued behind me as I walked and talked. 
Is he following me?
  The cafeteria is located on the lowest level of Merten dorm.  My floor is considered the first floor of Merten, even though it’s the second level of the building.  I’ve always been a little confused by that.  Neil is stayed right with me as I climbed the two short flights of stairs to get to the first (or was it second?) floor. 

Neil
asked, “How’d you get that gig?”
Why is he following me and talking to me?

“I guess, Little Jan thought I could handle it.”

“Looks like you
’re doing okay so far—might win RA of the year.” 
Okay, that’s it, what is going on. 
This conversation is annoying and intriguing. 

With my new-found self
esteem,  I blurted out,
“Neil, you have barely acknowledged my existence or spoken to me for the past year and a half. Do you need something? Toilet paper? Are you locked out of your room?”  We had been walking down the hall and were now in front of my room.  He doesn’t laugh.  He takes my elbow and sort of jerks me around to face him.  I look down at his hand on my arm, and then quickly up at him. 

His gray eyes darkened and
bored into me, “That’s not what I need from you, Biz.” He came very close and slowly leaned down and kissed me on the forehead.  Frankly, I was a bit shocked and just froze there. He closed in and put his hand up on the door frame behind me.  “I’ve been watching you all last semester.” 
Was I now excited or creeped out?
“You are so hot, I think we should spend more time together.” 
Whoa, I had never been called hot….ever.  Cute…never hot.
He was SO close. 

I stuttered, “Uh, okay.”  Before I knew it, Neil kissed me.  It wasn’t a “Hey, let’s get to know each other” kiss.  It was a “THIS is how I want to get to know you” kiss. 

He pulled away from the kiss, ran
his nose up my cheek until his mouth was at my ear and whispered, “Call you later.”  The exit to the back stairwell is right next to my door.  He was through it before I caught my breath. 
What just happened? 
I didn’t
move throughout the entire episode.  Well, I moved a little when he kissed me.  Mmmmm. 

This is the tactic
Neil employed over and over.  He’d sit next to me at staff meetings, find me in the cafeteria, mysteriously show up right after my classes to walk me to my room.  He’d even appear in the study carrel next to me in the library from time to time.  Each time we wound up at my door or his door in the dorms.  Each time the physical attraction was acted on a little more.  I was no longer freaked out.  I liked it.  I looked forward to it.  After two solid weeks of kissing, touching, gazing and groping in states of dress and partial undress, I was so ready to give it up.  It was all I could think about during my classes.  It was a good thing I was only a dresser for the spring musical and technical rehearsals hadn’t started.  Some days I could barely remember my name I was so caught up in Neil.  I stopped going to the cafeteria and barely spoke to anyone except Jules.  Every free moment I had, Neil was there, teasing and distracting me like it was his job.

By March, I’d practically moved into his dorm room. 
After class or rehearsal, I’d stop by my room to collect things and then go straight to his.  I craved sex with Neil in a way I’d never thought possible.  I really didn’t have much to compare it with.  Hell, I was fine living without it after my first experience with Marc a year ago.  Now, I would easily skip class to stay in bed with Neil.  I got schooled pretty rapidly.  Neil liked sex a lot.  He was very intense about it.  He could just look at me and I would slick up.  The physical closeness was something I’d never experienced before.  I believed it was a manifestation of how much we cared for each other.  We never talked about feelings.  Mostly, Neil told me what to do or what he was going to do to me.  He wasn’t really rough or bossy just commanding.  I believed I was with someone that cared about my wants and needs.  I spent most of my time with him naked in his bed.  He took me in ways I’d only read about in my romance novels and I loved it.  I must have been in love with him, right?

During this time, I was
called into Little Jan’s office twice already for not being around enough on my floor.  I’d taken to stacking toilet paper outside my room, so the guys could get some anytime they liked, but the stack disappeared quickly.  The other RAs noticed since the guys from my floor kept going to theirs once our stack was gone.  Little Jan was really pissed at me. 

By mid-April, I had two more BIG RA screw ups
.  First, there was the fire in one of the rooms on my floor.  Microwave popcorn caught fire and the residents tried to put it out by hitting it with towels.  The towels caught on fire.  The fire department was called, but by the time they arrived, it had been put out.   I was nowhere to be found during this debacle, of course, because I was locked up with Neil in his room.  A few weeks later, the guys on my floor decided to throw a huge party in the study room on the floor.  Study rooms were off limits for parties.   It was majorly against dorm policy. They trashed the place and caused enough damage that I had to pay for it with two of my measly RA paychecks.  Through all of this Neil was neither sympathetic to my tenuous employment situation nor that I was a target for Little Jan.  I was dangerously close to losing my job and he could have cared less.

It
wasn’t until May that I figured out why.  The realization occurred in a none-too-subtle and painful fashion.  Evidently, nobody really knew Neil and I were together.  I was completely unaware.  I thought it was so obvious.  Maybe some of my dorm guys might have thought Neil and I were hooking up, but in retrospect, nobody ever asked me about us or asked us to hang out with them. Then again, I had been blowing off spending time with my friends.  I was not returning texts or calls.  I missed more classes than I ever had in my whole college career.  While I was thinking Neil was madly in love with me, something else was in play.  I noticed that Neil wasn’t walking me places.  He was never at the library anymore.  He never touched me in an RA meeting like he had before we had sex for the first time.  I would wait in his dorm room for hours for him to come back.  When he did I was desperate and dying to be with him.  He would put me off, claiming to be too tired or needing to study for a test.

I’d
made plans for the summer to work summer stock at the University theatre.  I would work as an usher or a dresser for some shows and if a small or non-speaking part came up they might give it to me.  I couldn’t stay in the dorm, so Neil helped me arrange to rent a room from a friend of his that lived not far from campus.  I wasn’t sure of the rent.  I’d slowly moved my stuff in over the past week, so all I had in my room was a backpack with things I needed for the last couple of days.

On the evening of the last day of school, I let myself into
Neil’s room to find him showering.  I thought I heard him sighing, or was it growling?  As I walked into the bathroom, he barked at me, “Biz, get out.”  I was immediately hurt and worried. 

“Are you okay?”

“Yes, get out.”  I backed out of the bathroom and sat on his bed, staring at the bathroom door.  He emerged with a towel around his waist.  Drying his hair with a second towel he took one look at me and said, “My brother and his wife were just here…..things are getting…complicated with my family.”  I can’t tell if he is sad or annoyed or what?  He has no facial affect.  I couldn’t take my eyes off his wet, half-naked body.

Shaking his head, spraying a bit of wat
er from his hair on me, he told me, “I have really…enjoyed you.”  And with that he was on me.   If he didn’t want me for the past few weeks, he was making up for it now.  I was quickly without clothes, his lips punishing me.  One hand is on my breast, squeezing my nipple almost to the point of pain.  His other hand was gripping my ass so tightly I was sure I’d be bruised. 

I moan
ed out a bit, “Neil?”  He quickly had me on the bed, but instead of facing me as we usually did, he turned me around so I am face down.  He pushed my upper body down onto the bed.  I felt his towel slip from his waist.  He took me roughly from behind, reaching around to stroke my most sensitive area with little gentleness.  He’d never been like this before.  Cold.  Rough.  I was, to my shame, turned on and freaked out at the same time.  Both feelings crashed around me as I released in a rush of combined pleasure and pain that I’d never experienced before.  It didn’t feel right.  Why would my body do that, when my head and heart felt so stomped on?  Neil came loudly, saying “FUCK ME.”  He’d never done that before, either, spoken so crudely during sex.  I knew it happened.  I’d read enough romance books to know, but I didn’t like it.  Maybe I was just being immature, prudish.  I needed to get out of there, but I didn’t want to upset him or leave him.  Maybe he needed me like this and he’d been holding back.  Being gentle with the inexperienced chick.  My mind was swirling.  He pulled out and quickly threw on his boxers, shorts and a t-shirt.  Grabbing his shoes and keys as he walked out, he said, “Gotta go deal with that family thing.  Lock up, okay.  And Biz…. don’t be here when I get back.  I’ve got a lot to do tonight.”  I was devastated.  I lie there naked, face down, confused and hurt, and cried.