Bittersweet (28 page)

“Yeah,”
he rasped on a taken breath. “But…”

“But
what?”

"You
were down there wearing Josh’s rings."

She
showed him her empty left hand. "I was just remembering him. I was just
happy to be…to be healed."

When
he didn't speak, just stared at her hand, she said carefully, "I don’t
think this is just about seeing me down there tonight. If something else has
been bothering you, it would have helped if you could have told me.” She hoped
it didn’t sound like she was reproaching him.

He
nodded, but it was more a jerk of his head. He focused his eyes at the floor
and was still hunched forward, as if he couldn't breathe.

She
realized he was still overcome with shock that she told him she loved him.

She
reached over and rubbed his back. Then she slid her hand up to knead the tight
muscles in the back of his neck. Finally she dared to ask, very softly, “I
understand you misunderstood what you saw. But otherwise things were going
pretty well between us. Why didn't you think this would really happen?”

“Because…”
His face had gone pale, and his eyes never moved from the floor. “Because I’ve
wanted it for so long.”

Zoe
took in those words. They told her something. But not enough. She was too
worried about him to press any further at the moment, however. Still massaging
his neck, she asked, “Adam? Are you okay?”

He
gave a huff of what might have been laughter, but it seemed to hurt his throat.
“Yeah.”

“Are
you,” she began, rubbing down the length of his spine, “going to pass out?”

“Maybe.”

Zoe
couldn't help it. The whole evening had just been too much. She giggled.

Adam
turned his head to slant her a rueful gaze.

She
giggled even more.

He
let out another exhale of amusement, this one not quite so raspy. And he
managed to straighten up.

Then
he reached over to pull her into his arms, holding her so tightly she could
barely breathe. “Oh baby,” he murmured roughly, his face buried against her
hair. “You have no idea how long I've wanted to tell you—I love you too.”

*
* *

Zoe went down to
get Adam a cup of hot tea with sugar. After he’d drunk it, she made him take a
shower, saying teasingly that he was a little rank.

Mostly
she thought it would make him feel better.

When
he came out of the shower, clean, smelling of soap, and wearing only his pajama
pants, Zoe was already in bed.

He
climbed under the covers with her. Zoe studied his face. His color was better,
but he looked battered, absolutely drained.

He
smiled at her, but didn’t speak. She turned off the light. The room was still
lit slightly from a light from the bathroom, but neither had the energy to go
turn it off.

When
she curled up against him, he wrapped both of his arms around her. He seemed
beyond words—the way he was after sex. Like he’d poured too much of himself out
and there was nothing left.

There
was no way they were going to have sex, but neither of them slept.  Adam held
her, and Zoe lay in his arms and reflected.

His
reaction to her declaration of love had been…extreme.

He’d
said it was because he’d wanted it for so long.

They’d
only been dating three months. He’d been interested in her at least a few
months before that. And he’d been attracted to her even before her marriage to Josh.

But
still. His reaction had been extreme.

He
felt things very deeply—far more deeply than he ever wanted to reveal. But that
still didn’t adequately explain how her words had knocked him off his feet.

An
hour later, she knew he was still awake. So, to test the waters, see if he’d
recovered enough to talk, she said, “Hi.”

His
arms tightened, and he let out a breath of laughter. “Hi.”

She
lifted her head from his chest and looked down on him in the dark. “You were
going to leave me.”

“I
was just leaving for tonight. To think. I thought—”

“I
know what you thought. But it felt like it might have been more than just
leaving for the night. It wasn’t cool to walk out just because you thought I
was still missing Josh.”

He
exhaled slowly before he spoke. “I know. It was the last straw.”

“Why?”

With
a shake of his head, he explained, “I’m not sure. It just seemed like the final
sign that I’d been waiting for so long…for nothing.”

“But
we were together. We’ve been together for three months.”

“I
know.”

“So
what was the matter? Was I doing something to make you think that I didn’t
really want to be with you? What made you think what we had wouldn’t be
enough?”

“I
don’t know exactly.” The words were halting, difficult for him to say. “I just
couldn’t believe it was real. I felt like I still had to hold back from really
being with you, so as not to rush you or scare you or overwhelm you with how
much I loved you. It wasn’t anything you did. I think I was just in the
pattern, after holding back so much for so long, that I couldn’t…I just
couldn’t break it.”

Her
heart actually ached for him, for what he must have been feeling. But he’d also
opened the door for her to ask, “How long?”

He
grew still. “What?”

“How
long? How long have you been holding back? How long have you wanted me to love
you?”

He
turned his head away from her.

She
just waited. It wasn’t going to help to pester him to hurry up his reply. He
would either tell her or he wouldn’t.

After
a long minute, he admitted, “A long time.”

“Since
before we started dating?”

“Yes,
before then.”

Zoe’s
heart was beating rapidly. “Since the funeral?”

“Yes,
before then.”

Now
she could barely breathe. “Since before Josh and I got married?”

“Yes,”
he admitted, his voice rough with something deep. “I loved you back then.”

Zoe
rolled over, so she wasn’t draped on top of him anymore. She felt chilled and a
little shaky.

He
turned over on his side to look at her, but he didn’t speak.

“I
thought,” she said at last. “I thought you didn't like me anymore. You were so
cold with me when Josh and I were dating and afterwards.”

“I
was hurt. I was very hurt when you got together with Josh. I was protecting
myself.”

Zoe
closed her eyes and tried to think. Tried to remember so many details she’d
assumed were trivial back then.  Her lips felt dry, so she licked them.

“Zoe,
everything I told you before was true,” Adam continued, a little more urgency
in his tone. “It was like I told you. Josh seemed to come out of nowhere and
take you away from me. It’s just that you were more to me than attraction and
familiarity.”

“Oh.”
She had no idea how she felt about this. “So all that time, when we were
hanging out at lunch, just casually…”

 “It
wasn’t casual for me. When I saw you for the first time, I thought you were the
most beautiful girl I’d ever seen. I only started going back to have lunch
there every day in the hopes of seeing you again. Then, when I got up the
courage to talk to you and we started eating together, I learned you were so
much more than just beautiful. The more I got to know you, the crazier I became
about you. I knew—I
knew
—that we should be together.”

“You
never even asked me out!”

“I
was working my way up to it,” he said, a little ruefully, glancing away. “I
knew you weren’t in the same place, so I thought it would help for us to spend
more time together first. I thought—since it was going to be the real thing—I
would move slow.”

A
swell of emotion tightened in her chest, and her eyes blurred a little. She sat
up, breathing and telling herself she shouldn't be such a crybaby.

But
she could feel for Adam so much back then. Pouring his hopes into a possibility
that was only crushed when his cousin came along.

Yes,
Zoe had been absolutely clueless. And, yes, her relationship with Josh had been
real and wonderful.

But
she could still feel so deeply how Adam must have felt.

“I’m
sorry I didn’t tell you before,” he said, sitting up too and studying her
anxiously. “When you didn’t care about me, obviously I couldn’t tell you. And
then, when we were becoming friends, it would only have created more distance.
And then…”

“Then
what?” she choked.

“Then
I was afraid I’d scare you away. I was trying to do the right thing. I was
trying to give you the space you needed to heal. That night, when I drank too
much, I went too far—before you were ready. It almost messed things up, so I
was even more careful after that.”

She
listened carefully, trying to put pieces together in her mind, even as she grew
more and more breathless.

Adam
continued, “I guess, for the last month or so, I just misjudged the amount of
space you needed. I was still afraid of going too far too soon, but it was
bothering me more and more. I’m sorry I’ve been holding back so much, but I was
so afraid I’d scare you away.”

She
panted and stared at him.

“Have
I?” he asked hoarsely. “Scared you away?”

She
shook her head, loving him so much she didn’t think she could contain it inside
her.

He
groaned and sort of collapsed back onto the mattress, pulling her down with
him. He hugged her so tightly her ribs hurt, but she didn’t complain.

After
a while, Zoe shifted, causing him to loosen his grip. He didn’t let her go,
though.

“Adam?”
she asked.

“Hmm?”

“Can
we go to sleep now?”

He
shook with silent laughter and let her roll out of his arms. She went to the
bathroom, turned out the light, and then curled up at his side, which was much
more comfortable.

After
a little while, she felt his breathing slow and his body relax. She tried to
fall asleep too, since she was so tired she could barely see straight, but she
couldn't.

She
kept thinking about Adam. About how he must have felt when she’d started dating
Josh, when they’d gotten engaged, when they’d been married, when she’d gotten
pregnant with Logan.

He’d
wanted her back in the café, but he’d made himself go slow with her.

Because
it had been the real thing.

Only
to discover he’d gone too slow.

She
didn't regret any part of her relationship with Josh. She wouldn’t have traded it
for anything in the world.

But
she hurt so much for Adam that she started to cry after all.

She
rolled over away from him, stifling the sound of her sobs.

She
must not have stifled them enough.

Adam
shifted in the bed, causing the mattress to give. Then she felt him move beside
her, spoon her from behind.

Zoe
tried so hard to stop crying she almost choked herself.

“It’s
okay,” he murmured, his breath against her hair. “I know it’s still going to be
hard sometimes. You don’t have to hide it from me.”

He
didn’t understand.

“No,”
she managed to say when the storm of emotion finally subsided. “I wasn’t crying
for Josh.”

His
hand had been slowing rubbing her belly, but it grew still as she told him the
truth in the dark. “I was crying for you.”

It was after
four before Zoe got home from an afternoon of shopping with Jane.

They’d
started by looking at furniture for the office that was going into her house.
Then they’d given up and shopped for clothes instead.

Adam
had been staying with Logan, in order to give Zoe a Sunday outing. But, when
she got back, Adam and Logan weren't in the living room or the kitchen.

She
was pretty sure she knew where to find them, so she headed up to the
half-renovated third floor. It had previously been mostly wasted space, as half
attic and half domestic quarters. When it was completed, it would be a spacious
study or office room with a half-bath.

She
had no need for an office space, but Adam had talked her into it, saying more
space would come in handy when Logan got older, and it would be a good
investment in the property.

Before
she’d reached the top of the stairs, she heard Adam’s voice. “No, we can’t
touch that. That’s where they’ve been working on the wiring.”

“Wy-ring,”
Logan repeated.

“That’s
right. Wiring. It’s for the electricity that makes the lights work.”

“Hamma.
Hamma!”

“No,
they don’t use hammers on the wiring. That’s just for the walls, floors, and
trim. Wherever they need to join things together with nails.”