Bittersweet Symphony (6 page)

“The pain. It makes it better,” I say hoarsely, grappling with the fact that I probably shouldn’t have said that. One question leads to others, and I don’t know if I have the strength to not tell her. Hell, I don’t think I have the strength to tell her.

She lets out a quiet laugh, “Pain makes the anger better? Putting yourself through more hurt makes the hurt better? That is completely absurd.” She releases my hand, the warmth leaving me. Even in my darkest moments, I know Kennedy can pull me out of it. We all need someone in our lives like that who pull us from those moments when we have completely lost hope.

“The pain reminds me that the hurt is real, Kennedy.” I try to hide the anger from my voice because I’m not mad at her. I’m mad at myself for being the bastard my dad always said I would be, for living up to his gracious beliefs of the person he wanted me to be.

“Does your brother know about this? About what your dad did, or still does, to you?” I push her against the wall out of plain anger and rage. A gasp leaves her mouth. Would I hurt her? I can practically hear her heart beating out of her chest.

“No one knows, just you and me,” I say menacing. All I see is blind rage right now, but yet my touch is gentle as I grip her chin to turn her to face me. Her lip is quivering in fear, and I start to hate myself for putting those walls back up.

“You won’t be telling anyone will you?” I hate instilling this fear in her, but if I didn’t… then my secrets could escape. 

She shakes her head back and forth, small wisps of hair fall onto her forehead. I release her chin and slam my fist into the wall. Again, and again. I can feel her fear, tears leak from tightly closed eyes. I nestle myself into her neck, taking in her scent. She doesn’t shudder away from me, so I assume she’s okay. I thought wrong.

“Don’t… Don’t touch me. I’ll scream.” She lets out a ragged sob out of fear, I’m sure. Her tears somehow bring me back to the surface and I gently grip her arms, holding her in place so she can’t escape me.

“Please don’t hurt me,” she begs. I’m bewildered by her admission.

“If I wanted to hurt you, K, I would,” I mumble into her hair.

“Please…” she pleads with me, assuming that I could ever lay a hand on her. Then I remember everything she has been through with Sam.

“K, look at me. I would never, in my entire life, lay a hand on your delicate body. I would never inflict any type of pain on you. I might get angry, and I might hit shit, but it will never be your beautiful face that my fist lands on.”

Her eyes pop open, the deep, blue hue urging me to dive into her, to dissect her as a person, and figure out what makes her tick.

“I care about you, Kennedy.” The sentence slips out of my mouth before I can stop it.

She looks at me, mystified by the fact that I could care for someone. She’s not alone though, I can’t believe it either.

“Well, I care about you too, Ryder, so I think you should tell your brother.” I bite my lip hard, the sting of my teeth digging into my lip as drops of blood pool in my mouth. I shake my head at her. I will never tell Rex. He has so much going for him, so much in life. I refuse to darken his life with my burdens. Plus, he would feel as if he’s to blame, and the last thing I need is pity.

“Kennedy, you cannot tell him. You cannot tell anyone. If I want someone to know, I will tell them. It’s my secret to tell.” Her wide eyed stare tells me she understands me. We both have secrets, and it’s our choice to share them.

“But…” she says, nibbling on her bottom lip. I take my finger and place it against her lips.

“No but…”

“I just want to help you,” she mutters against my finger. Her hot breath does something to my mind, clogging it with images of her under me, on me, on the table, in the shower… My lips descend on hers before I even realize what I’m doing. A squeak emits from her as she opens her mouth allowing my tongue to mingle with hers. I know it’s just a kiss, but the beast in me takes hold as I grip her face between my hands not allowing her to move one millimeter from me.

We kiss with passion and aggression. She pushes to meet my lips, standing on her tip toes. I let out a loud groan as her teeth nip at my lip. I feel myself growing possessive of her.

“Stop,” she says against my lips, a groan escapes her, and I question if she really wants me to stop. When her hand comes up to my chest to push me back softly, I know the line has been drawn. Down boy, down. 

Her lips look tender as she peers up at me. Her hair a sunshine mess.

“Now what?” she asks curiously, pulling away from me.  I can’t believe what I’m about to say, but I know after what I just did, I have to say it. It will happen one way or another; God has a funny way of bringing the right people into your life when you need them the most.

“Now, we try,” I whisper into her hair, breathing in her unique scent.

I couldn’t believe Ryder when he said he wanted to try. I toss and turn in bed for hours over the course of three days, trying to figure out if there is a motive behind him wanting me. He doesn’t come off as someone who would use someone for his own ways, but neither do a lot of people.

Pushing the covers off my legs, I sit up in bed. I peer over at my alarm clock, my eyes lingering on it for a long time. It is only seven A.M., but it’s also the last week of classes before Spring Break. I know I really need to get up and get ready for the day, but I just can’t bring myself to leave my nest of blankets. My phone dings on the night stand, so I look at it, secretly hoping it is Ryder but knowing it won’t be. Most men didn’t do mornings, and I suspect that he was no different.

Opening the text, I see Mimi’s name. The text reads, “Wake up bitches! We’re going to the beach today.” I smile a little bit, finally knowing what it is like to actually have a friend. She and Jenna, have welcomed me with open arms. I’m not used to having friends who are willing to protect me, so it is hard getting used to someone being here for me. Now I couldn’t see a day without them.

I text her back, letting her know I don’t do beaches, but that I will go for her. I sigh, taking note of the fact that there was a ton of noise taking place out in the hall. College dorms suck, whoever had the idea to squish hundreds of nineteen year olds into a small area had a death wish. Thank the ever loving Lord I lived alone.

I slip out of bed and into a pair of sleep pants. Just as I am about to slip on my fuzzy slippers and venture out into the hall, someone knocks on my door. I am frozen in place as I try to figure out who it can be.

Standing on my tip toes to peer through the hole in the door, I spot Ryder’s green eyes staring back at me. I pull the door open with an intensity that surpasses my own strength. It’s as if I’m beyond happy to see him and just want him to come inside.

“Hi,” I say nervously. Ever since our encounter last week, I’ve been even more nervous around him. There’s so much about one another that we don’t know. Sometimes he’s so intense he scares me, and then there are times he’s so sweet I melt right in his hands.

He looks at me as if I’m his whole world, as if me simply breathing and smiling makes him happy. The little things in life matter the most.

“What are you doing today?” he asks, his gaze sweeping across my room. He’s never been in my room which makes me even more nervous. We’ve been alone numerous times, but that’s beside the point… It’s different once you become a couple. It’s as if everything changes, as if the looks get hotter and the kisses wetter.

“Just… Nothing. Homework, classes… you know, the usual. Oh, and Mimi invited me to the beach.” I am nervous, but there’s no reason for it.

He smiles, a dimple showing profusely. I want to reach up and poke at it with my finger, but I don’t think that would be acceptable.

“Do you have to go to classes?” he questions. His voice is syrupy, causing my insides to melt. I am liquid every time he put the moves on.

“I….” Did I really have too? Yeah… Did I want to? No! I want to go to class even less now that I have a man like Ryder standing in front of me.

“You what?” His scent surrounds me, circuiting something in my brain. What was I saying? I feel and smell his breath on my face as he looks down at me. There is no space between us, and I needed to put some there.

“I… I have class today,” I barely reply. I am confused as to how a man like Ryder can think he is incapable of love. His voice alone has women begging.

“But…” His finger trails over my cheek and up to my nose until its just resting on my face.  I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to stifle the sigh that desperately wants to escape me. “You could come and spend the whole day with me? We could go to the beach… and other places.”

He is trying to be persuasive. His eyes dilate as I reach up to remove his finger from my nose.

“Don’t you have classes, too?” I question, not really sure why it concerned me. However, now that I think about it more, he never seems to go to classes. I’m not even sure if he’s actually enrolled.

A cross between dread and anger spread across his face. I’m not sure why he would get mad about my question, but I’m not about to shut up. I am going to find out.

He backs up, taking a few steps away from me. His hands shift into the front pockets of his jeans. I see the walls being pushed back up. He is hiding something; he doesn’t want to share it, and the easiest way for him to move on from it is to go cold, to incase himself in a sheet of ice impenetrable by anyone. I know because I do that every thing every time Sam is around.

“We can talk about it…” I say softly, keeping my voice void of my own emotions. I don’t want him to think that he can’t feel the way he does, but I also don’t want push my feelings on him.

Silence passes, and fear clings to me. If we can’t talk about something so simple is there even hope for us? For him?

I look up from the ugly carpeting on the floor to meet his stare. His eyes give way to every emotion that he’s feeling; he’s afraid, angry, and pissed. I know that whatever other reasons he has to hide behind that ice force field were big ones.

“Have you ever simply just been somewhere? Existing but not really doing anything else? Kind of like the air surrounding us. It’s just here for our use, so we can breathe it in and breathe it out.” I nibble on my bottom lip, my eyes shifting to the window. It’s beautiful outside. The sun is shining, but yet it feels dark and bleak. I know it has nothing to do with the weather; the real problem is whatever is bothering Ryder.

“I think we all go through parts of life like that… We all sometimes just exist but don’t really live,” I explain. His eyes cut to me, the very look on his face clings to me. He’s defeated; he’s losing it.

“Would you be my reason to exist, Kennedy? Would you follow me into the dark to be with me?” His words hit me like cold water. I never realized how gone he is. He’s battling something that I’m not sure I can save him from.

I take the three steps that separate us and put myself directly in front of him. Grabbing his hand, I place mine inside it.

“I’ll follow you wherever you go, Ryder. But just know I won’t let you go; I won’t give up on you when the times get hard.” I mean every word I say.

A calmness sweeps over him, and in an instant, I am against the wall. Ryder softly kisses a path from my neck down to my chest. The sensations flowing through me are overwhelming from the roughness of his hands on my legs to the texture of his tongue as it slides over my skin to the prick of pain when he bites down on my earlobe. It is all too much...

I let out a moan instead of saying stop…

We really need to stop.

I take my shaking hand and place it against his chest, pushing softly. His muscles are tense, and when he pulls away, it looks as if it is the very last thing he ever wanted to do.

Yeah, the feeling is completely mutual, Ryder… I would love to take you…

“Should we get going to wherever it is you want to go?” I can’t believe I am going to skip classes to go with him somewhere. I run my fingers through my hair. Fuck, this man can do things to me that I never thought possible.

A smile lights up his face, which in turn causes me to smile.

“We’re going to the beach, and then I have somewhere special I want to take you tonight.” His voice is just above a whisper, flowing into my ears and through my veins.

“Okay…” I mumble, walking over to the oak dresser that holds my TV. Rifling through it, I snag a blue bikini. Now I need to find a dress to go over it. My face grows red. I have to tell him to get out of my room now, so I can get dressed; because I was certain if he stayed in here while I changed, little clothing would be put on, and even more would be taken off.

“Can you step out…?” I say gesturing toward the door. He smiles, his eyes twinkling at me as he checks out the bikini in my hands.

“Do I make you nervous, K?” he asks, his fingers gliding over my shoulder. I shake my head, knowing if I talk I will probably say “yes, you make me so nervous I want to puke,” and he did. Ryder awoke something in me that no one else has been able to. He has been here for me when no one else was; even when he couldn’t hold himself together, he held me together.

His hand slides down my arm and back up until he places it directly over my erratically beating heart. It beats harder once he places his hand on my chest.

“Your heart’s beating like a trapped rabbits,” he observes, smiling lazily. It is then that I become very aware of the fact that I am only wearing a tank top and a pair of very skimpy sleep shorts.

“You scare me…”

I watch him as he tries to pull his hand away, guilt crossing his face. I reach out, grabbing it to hold him in place.

“I mean in a good way; you scare me in a good way.” I am barely able to get the words out between my heart racing and feeling like there isn’t enough oxygen in the room. I think I am going to die.

“What do you mean?” he questions as his eye brow raises.

“I mean this…” I say gesturing to us. “Everything that you’re doing right now scares me. From the way you look at me as if I’m your world to the fact that you trust me enough to tell me your secrets. Your trust, your faith in me…scare me. It scares me that we could hurt each other so badly. We could be the very thing that we both need, or the very thing that pushes us off the cliff.”

I hear his sharp intake of breath. His chest is rising and falling, and then it expands before he wraps his arms around me to hold me tightly.

“It scares me too…” he murmurs into my ear. His breath on my skin causes goose bumps to rise all over. “But you know what Kennedy? It would be worth it to have even a slice of you. So while we’re both scared, let’s do with the time we have.”

I know what his words mean, and as I wrap my arms tightly around him, I know that if we give it our all, we can bring each other out of the dark. We can save each other from the hurt.

***

The beach is a popular place today. Ryder and I came with Jenna and Mimi, but I ended up walking off with Ryder. They wanted to go shopping, and I couldn’t see Ryder doing that kind of thing, so here we are getting to know each other better.

“You realize how bad all this sugar is for you, right?” I ask as we dig into some ice cream. The sweetness of the vanilla and strawberries paired with the sand between my toes causes a warm, fuzzy feeling to flow over me.

The waves of the ocean can be heard from the pier, and the smell of salt fills my nose. I have only seen the ocean a handful of times, and each time was just as amazing as the first. It is even better with Ryder next to me.

We both look out into the ocean, the deep blue as many call it; the sand is a dull brownish color. Even though classes are in full swing, it seems like everyone and their God damn mothers were here.

“It’ll go right to my thighs…” he says, laughing as he mocks girls in general.

“What thighs?” I joke back. The man is made of muscle; his thighs don’t have any fat on them, and though he isn’t one of those muscled up meat heads, I know he can totally take anyone who tries to mess with him.

“I have thighs, Blondie…” Sure he does, I think to myself while shaking my head and forcing myself to not think about thighs and Ryder in the same sentence.  Wisps of my hair fall onto my face, clinging to the sticky goodness that coats my lips.

“This is so good… How did I not know about this place?” I am in love with ice cream, absolutely in fucking love; it is my kryptonite as Ryder has already figured out. I know all there is to know about the ice cream shops in Southern California, so how I missed this one…yeah, I had to have been drunk or something.

“It’s the little places like this that go unnoticed” his words have two meanings, and we both know it. I went soft earlier, knowing that was what he needed. Now, I am over being soft; I want to talk about it.

“What’s going on inside that head of yours?” I inquire, taking a bite of my ice cream and readjusting myself on the bench so I can face him more. He stares ahead, his eyes on the water.

“A lot is going on in my head. It hit me earlier just how big of a problem all of this is for me. How I just followed my brother and Corey out here, and for what?” Frustration drips from every word, and I get the feeling he has been sitting on this a long time.

“To watch everyone find happiness? To just put myself through this shit all over? To never be known as anything but a shadow to my brother? I couldn’t stay at my dad’s place, Kennedy, couldn’t stay while everyone else went off to college. My father forced me to stay when Rex moved and went to Monroe High with Corey. I couldn’t stay back again. I knew if I did, I would’ve killed him.”

I gasp, not quiet knowing what to say. Rage is always right under the surface with him, just a pin prick away.

“No, you wouldn’t have, Ryder,” I reply, setting my hand on his knee to comfort him. The look he shoots me should’ve had me running and hiding, but it doesn’t.

He bends forward, so our noses are almost touching. The wind blows, stirring up the salt of the ocean. Our gazes meet and remain locked, even as people walk by staring and the salt stings and assaults our eyes.