Borrowing Trouble (14 page)

The kids came in, thankfully laughing. Jay looked up to where their mother had disappeared upstairs. There was no way they could miss his too bright eyes or his heated face. “Are you two fighting again?” Millie’s face clouded. God, but he hated making so many people he loved unhappy in less than one horrible hour.

Jay couldn’t stand it anymore, and collapsed in the recliner. “Sit down, guys. We need to talk.”

Chapter 18

Millie’s stormy expression was so unusual. Of the whole family, she was always sunshine and light. He couldn’t believe he was having this conversation, but at the same time, he felt oddly ready to just get it off his chest—at least to these two people, the ones who meant the most to him in the world.

He’d do whatever he could to make them happy, to keep them healthy. If that meant leaving with their mother in the morning, what could he say? They lived in Mississippi. Montgomery County, at that. Mothers always got the kids, it was just a fact. And that he had admitted to being with a man, he didn’t even know the implications. He’d been in a homosexual relationship for five whole minutes, so he hadn’t quite wrapped his head around the new politics that would come with that life.

“I’m going to have a conversation with you guys that you might not like.”

“You didn’t tell mother to stay in Atlanta, did you?” Millie asked. He scowled at her petulance.

“You’re twelve years old, Millie, I need you to act like it for a little while here.” Millie stared at her father, not one for being stern all that often. She nodded. Clint’s gaze was steady on Jay, though. He didn’t appear surprised they were about to have whatever conversation they were going to have.

“Y’all are old enough, I feel I can talk to you for real.”

They nodded solemnly, Millie looking a little wary.

“Now, you know your mama and I were never going to get back together. We told you when we split up, it was nothing to do with y’all, we just … we didn’t work.” More nods. “Millie, when your mama said she was coming home, she meant she’d probably live with your grandparents or in Winona. Which you know is a lot closer, only thirty minutes. But she isn’t going to live here.”

“I know that, Daddy.” She said, seriously. He studied her carefully, noticing just how much she’d grown. She was, for all intents and purposes, a young lady now. Didn’t mean the news was going to be taken easily, but at least he wasn’t about to try to explain this to a six year old. He didn’t know if he’d have been able to handle this if they’d been any younger.

Hell, he didn’t know if he could handle it now. Again, he found himself wishing he had Landon here, but that wouldn’t be fair. He hadn’t even told Landon what he wanted. He was entirely too wrung out to think on that right then, so, much like Old Jay, he tucked that away until the task at hand was completed.

“Millie, you know how when me and mom separated, we didn’t want you to be uncomfortable, or to feel like you were keeping secrets, but that the divorce was a grown-up thing?”

“Spit it out, Dad,” Clint said.

Jay slumped. “You guys can tell who you want. I’m not going to make you keep secrets. It’s not my place. If you need to talk to someone, I won’t stop you.” Clint and Millie shared a long look. “I’ve been figuring out some things, talking to a professional, and all.” Jay didn’t imagine there was an easier way to say it. “I’ve been seeing someone.”

“Mr. Petty,” Clint said, expression open. Jay’s eyes flicked between the kids. Millie seemed startled by the news, but neither of them looked angry.

“How?”

“I saw you guys.” Clint’s face went scarlet at his admission.

“You did?” Millie asked, clearly grossed out.

“When you came home last week?”

“Ew, Daddy!” Millie said. “That’s why you were out in the dark?”

“No,” Clint said, quietly. “I went to the office before we went to Atlanta and the door was open and you guys were… making out.”

Jay closed his eyes, feeling his own face flush. “Oh, son, I’m sorry… I know it must have been a surprise.”

“Not that it was a man…” Clint rolled his eyes. “Okay, I did freak out about that, but we were away all that week and I realized mostly I was freaked to see my dad making out with anyone.”

“Gross,” Millie stated again. Her nose scrunched up. “A man, Daddy? People are gonna be such jerks about this. I can’t believe you’re gay.”

Clint grimaced. “Are you?”

Jay had to be honest. “I don’t know that I’m completely gay. I did care very much for your mother. I still do, in my own way. But I also have been seeing Landon, and I think I’m getting to be okay with that. But your mom is having a hard time with it. Which is absolutely not her fault. I understand if you guys do, too.”

“I don’t know, Dad. This is gonna suck so bad,” Millie said, a tear falling.

Clint looked at Millie in that superior way teenagers tend to look at those they deem less intelligent than them. “It wouldn’t if you kept you mouth shut.”

Before they could start sniping, Jay held a hand up and tiredly replied. “If Millie needs to talk to people to work it out for herself, we can’t get in her way.” Although a childish part inside him wanted to insist she leave grown-up business to grown-ups.

“I want to talk to mom,” she said, shakily. Jay smiled sadly at her, wishing he could make it better for her. But what could he say? He’d been dealing with this a short time, but in that short time, in his time being so damn happy with Landon, he’d tried to make all the right steps, do the right thing. And now, the right thing was not lying. Because this was not just going to go away.

He perked up a bit when that thought crossed his mind. Regardless of how he labeled this, he could no sooner have stopped himself from being attracted to Landon than he could have Bethany. He cared for Landon, that wasn’t something he’d chosen. He couldn’t change it, and he didn’t want to.

“She’s in the guest room.” When Millie stood to leave, he held out a hand. “I love you, Millie. So much.” She didn’t say anything to that, but she did hug him quickly before running upstairs.

The quiet was strange after Millie left. Not necessarily strained, but not comfortable. Both Jay and Clint were lost in thought. His son didn’t seem to be losing his mind over the news, but he’d had time to work through it, which neither Bethany nor Millie had.

“You smile more,” Clint said.

“What?” Jay glanced Clint’s direction. Again, he marveled at how old his kids had gotten. Clint was practically a man. Hell, he was just shy of Jay’s height at this point.

“You smile more. I wondered if maybe you were dating someone. My friends always seemed dumber when they were getting laid.”

“Clint!”

“What?” Clint’s crooked grin brought a levity that Jay felt guilty, but grateful to accept. “You know my boy Zach was. Well, is.”

Jay started. “Zach Cummings?” They’d grown up together, Zach and Clint. They did everything together for a long while, but that had stopped at some point Jay had to admit he didn’t remember.

“He, um, kissed me.” Again, Clint’s face turned scarlet.

“Oh?” Jay tried to keep his tone neutral.

“Yeah. I was a dick after that. Guys at school gave him shit after I stopped hanging out with him. I didn’t apologize ‘til right before we moved.” Clint looked at his dad, distraught. Jay couldn’t bring himself to scold his son for the language when he looked like that. “And he forgave me. For no reason. Then when I saw you and I called him, he told me not to be a dick to you like I was to him.”

Jay wanted to drive to Columbus right then and offer to pay the kid’s college tuition.

“Dad, it’s weird as hell. I won’t lie. But I do love you.”

Jay couldn’t stop himself from moving quickly across the room and hugging his son. Clint patted Jay’s back awkwardly and he moved back, clearing his throat. “Sorry,” Jay said. Then he hugged Clint again. “No, I’m not.”

Clint laughed.

God. Damn. That was the most beautiful sound he’d heard that night. Jay pulled away and wiped his eyes. Clint patted his dad’s shoulder. “You’re alright, old man.”

Jay shook his head, staring at his son in wonder. “When did you grow up?”

“Dad, don’t get weird.” Clint smirked. “Weirder.”

Jay chuckled, feeling lighter. God, this wasn’t over by a very long shot. But Clint’s acceptance was a balm on his soul tonight. He was very glad his kids had been born in a different time than him, all of a sudden.

“I’m gonna go talk to the girls,” Clint said. “Night, Dad.”

Jay felt like his bones weighed a thousand pounds. He sank back down into the recliner after Clint went upstairs, and closed his eyes. He just needed a minute. He was so weary, just a minute and he’d shut off the lights and go to bed.

Chapter 19

Jay felt like he’d just blinked and suddenly the early morning sun was peeking in the front windows, shining in his face. He jerked awake, realizing he’d slept on the damn recliner. He’d scolded himself for a moment for not having done the dishes, but when the events of the night before crashed down on him, he suddenly didn’t give two shits.

At least the chores now would occupy his mind until he knew what to do next. The world felt new and scary. Again.

Part of him wished things would quit changing so fast, but another, bigger part of him couldn’t deny that while things were big and horrible, his shoulders had this crazy amount of weight off he hadn’t even realized he’d been carrying.

He made his way to the kitchen and set up the coffee maker, then got to working on cleaning the dishes from the night before; he loaded some in the dishwasher and soaked pots and pans in the sink. The mess of a world gone insane littered his counters, even down to the melted tub of ice cream they’d never finished that sat on the coffee table in the living room.

              He’d just dropped a detergent pod in the dishwasher and flicked it on when the sound of the front door swishing open caught his attention. His heart thudded happily for a moment, wondering if it would be Landon.
Shit! Landon.

              Pulling his phone out of his pocket, he noted not only that it was just barely after eight a.m., but also that Landon had tried to call the night before. The quiet clearing of a throat drew Jay’s attention back to the living room, to where Bethany had just come in. She wore pink sweatpants that actually said PINK and an off the shoulder sweatshirt. Her dirty blond hair was up in a ponytail, and she still wore the makeup she’d been wearing the night before, though it was definitely more smudged.

              “Hi,” she said, quietly.

              “Hey.”

              They stood, awkwardly looking around, not speaking for a while. The coffee pot beeped to signal it’d finished brewing. They silently did their ages old morning routine, but it felt all wrong. Not because of the anger and the fight they’d had, but because this was not her home and this was no longer their lives. The place she occupied now should be Landon’s. He hadn’t even told the man.

              “Look, Jay…” She stopped, leaned against the counter, and stared down into her coffee. He smelled cigarette smoke coming off her clothes. She hadn’t smoked in years, save for a few deaths in the family and the day their divorce was finalized. Unless she’d picked it up in her eighteen months in Atlanta. Those little things one used to know about a person seemed to fade away when your lives went in opposite directions.

              “You really have been talking to the counselor about this, huh?”

              “Yes.” Jay was honestly talked out, but this was important. He could do it. He
had
to do it. “Right after… well, after I started seeing Landon as more than a friend, I decided I needed to understand how I’d shut that part of me off for so long.”

              “I guess I just don’t understand.”

              “I didn’t either, at first. Honestly. Until I thought back on the few close guy friends I had over the years and realized, like you said, my mama did get it and she held my daddy’s worrying over me so much. I guess I just… blocked out anything that might make it worse.”

              Her sadness was palpable when she asked, “We never worked, did we?”

              “I don’t know how to answer that.” But suddenly a truth spilled from him, “And I don’t know if it’s because Landon is a man, or if it’s because it’s him… I’m truly happy.” The admission, though he hated seeing how much it hurt her, was a moment of clarity for him. “I can’t say it’s not just because I finally know all of me, be that bisexual or one of the crazy words my counselor says describes all the different sexualities…”

              “I’m a nurse practitioner, Jay. I’ve heard most of it at some point.” Her dry tone made Jay grit his teeth.

              “Then, even if you don’t understand, you should have some professional knowledge that I didn’t
pick
this.”

              Her posture went rigid, but she quickly deflated. “That doesn’t make it easier, Jay. It just doesn’t. I get it. I’ve taken psych classes, I work with tons of gay male nurses. But you’re thirty-six. It’s hard to get, you just… never cared.”

              “I can’t go back through our entire divorce and all those things I didn’t even know were wrong. I don’t see, now, how it makes a difference. We’ve been apart emotionally and sexually for almost five years. I understood when you said you needed more. We’d both given as much as we could to each other. But who’s to say, if you hadn’t gotten pregnant, or we’d actually gone separate ways during college, I wouldn’t have found out sooner. But we can’t play the what if game anymore. The time for that was over when the ink dried a year and a half ago, longer if you count when you moved out three years ago.”

              Her startled gaze met Jay’s. “You really did get all in touch with your inner self, huh?”

              “Yeah,” Jay grumbled. “I’m still trying to figure out how I feel about him. But I like him a lot more than I liked the old me. Ignorant me is hard to think back on when I’m so happy.”

              Bethany sighed. “I said cruel things last night.”

              “You did,” Jay replied evenly.

              “I was surprised.”

              “I can respect that. Doesn’t mean I have to forgive some of it any time soon.”

              Bethany smirked. “A gay good ole boy. How does that work?”

              “I don’t think, no matter how simple I felt at times, I was ever just your average redneck, Beths.”

              “You’re right. You always were kinder than the guys we grew up with. It’s one thing I liked so much about you.” She tapped her fingers on her coffee cup. “I feel like the shitty ex-wife who flew through in hysterics, making things bad, but Jay, this is a tough road to hoe. And I won’t lie, even I’m gonna take some adjusting.”

              “I happen to know a good counselor.”

              She snorted. “Idiot.”

              “Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad for Millie to go, Clint if he wants.”

              She nodded. “Millie probably. She’s confused, but she’s just a little girl. She doesn’t have any point of reference. A lot like you, I suppose.”

              “You’d be surprised what meeting one openly gay person did to my poor little brain.”

She frowned. “Maybe if you had long ago.”

“I don’t know,” Jay said. “I feel like I’m old enough now, I know life is do or die. Any younger and I might have been more likely to keep shoving it back. Maybe it was just the right person at the right time.”

She held up her hand. “I’m really not ready to talk about that. I’m sorry Jay, I’m just not.” She looked a bit baffled. “But when did Clint grow up? He just came in and made so much sense. Then I felt like the biggest heel that my own kids can at least roll with the punches and I’m shrieking like a soap opera villain.”

“You were surprised,” Jay reiterated charitably. He held his breath after he asked if she really intended to take the kids.

“Will you at least discuss with me before you introduce them to Landon as anything… more? And I mean if either of them is so uncomfortable they prefer living with me, I’ll not fight you, I’ll just say ‘okay.’”

Jay nodded slowly. “I can live with that.”

She started crying, but Jay didn’t reach for her. It wasn’t his place, and she didn’t seem to want him to anyway. After she wept for a while, she announced she’d go shower, then she and the kids were going to spend the day together.

“Jay? I need to not talk to you for a while, okay? Unless it’s about the kids.” She seemed on the edge of losing it, again, and Jay couldn’t tell whether it would be anger or tears, or a nasty storm of the two. He quietly watched her go.

Clint sauntered into the kitchen, fully primped and dressed, while Jay poured himself another coffee. “You’re dressed and ready awful early,” Jay observed.

Clint grunted and made his way for his own coffee cup. “I promised mom and Millie we could go to Council House over in French Camp for breakfast. On me.”

Jay scoffed. “On me, then”

Clint gave a toothy, sarcastic grin. “Pretty much.”

“You can use the truck if you won’t all fit in yours.” That Clint’s old Toyota pickup was too small was a given.

“Thanks, dad. Oh, hey, did you talk to Landon? Millie and her big mouth. We saw him at the store. She told him mom was moving home and I couldn’t really say anything in front of her. But I’m assuming with your big gay coming out you, uh, might wanna let him know … whatever.” Clint’s words fell out, but Jay caught them. Horror flashed through him as he remembered Landon
had
called last night while he and Bethany fought. It was awkward acting like a teenager in front of, well, his teenager, but he freaked out right there.

“Shit.”

“Yeah,” Clint said, at least a little sympathetically. “Um, before you… He’s not going to be like coming for dinners and shit yet, is he? I’m thinking that’s... too soon.”

“First, language, second, no. I wouldn’t even do that if I’d only been dating a woman for a couple months.”
That’s the party line, anyway.
But he did understand. Jay wasn’t sure
he
was ready for the kids to know Landon was there as his date yet.

              Clint eyed his dad skeptically and sipped his coffee.

              Jay checked his phone again, noting Landon hadn’t left a voicemail. But while they’d been talking, a call had come in from the office phone. He wanted to pull his hair out, knowing he needed to talk to Landon and tell him the new developments, even that he realized Landon had fit into his life while Jay hadn’t been paying attention.

He wanted to sit in the comfort of Landon’s company and make better promises than he’d been able to make before. Because truth be told, he’d known it had become more real than he’d expected, probably when they’d made love—er, with penetration—the first time; but it’d definitely become real when they’d sat quietly with Landon running his fingers through Jay’s hair, Jay humming in the quiet night. He’d never felt peace like that, not since he held his children in his arms the first time, and something close to it at fifteen when a pretty girl named Beth sat down and asked him why he was so quiet.

He dialed the office first, hoping this would be quick. “Jay, son, good mornin’ to ya. Sorry to call so early.”

“It’s okay, Ricky. What’s going on?”

“I honestly didn’t realize it was s’early. It wasn’t that urgent. Just was a little surprised, so I wanted to make sure you were filled in.”

“No time like the present.”
I suppose.
It was definitely still early, there was time to go to Landon’s.

“It’s about Landon.”

Jay’s heart dropped. “What’s that?”

“Landon put in his notice. He’s leaving, so we’re going to have to look for someone new.” The old man didn’t sound pleased at all, grudging at best.

“I’ll be damned.”

“Yeah. Boy said he wants to use his degree. Guess I can’t be too mad at him. But, I hate to see him go.”

Jay sat silent, stunned. Landon was leaving? How was it possible? Surely… not after this. He hadn’t even let Jay explain.

“Son, you still there?”

“Um. Yessir. Sorry. Still tired. And it’s a bit of a shock.”

“I’ll say. We’ll talk more about it later. Like I said, it wasn’t important enough for me to have called so early. Wasn’t paying any attention. I’ll let you get back to your family. Unless, maybe you need to know… he’s at home.” Jay balked, but at this point, he wondered who
didn’t
know. Ms. Lynne and her fucking mouth.

“Yessir.”

“Have a good day.”

Jay shouted up the stairs that he would be taking Clint’s truck, which was met with silence. He opened the door and realized everyone had gone already. That didn’t give him pause. He ran to the truck and flew down the road. He almost laughed hysterically realizing he was chasing after someone, and that someone was a man… and he didn’t care. New Jay was going to be happy, and New Jay was going to get through this with his family. He just hoped Landon was up for it.

***

Landon stumbled down his stairs, blearily rubbing his eyes. Someone was banging on his fucking front door and Landon’s hangover did not appreciate it. At all.

He flung the door open, poised to snap, but Jay stood on the other side looking worse for the wear.

“Um, Jay?”

“You quit?”

“What?” His brain wasn’t quite awake yet, so he didn’t know what crazy talk the man was speaking about. Jay’s shirt and jeans were rumpled and he was barefoot. “You drove here without shoes?”

“You quit the mill?”

What? Oh. “Oh, yeah.” He remembered his miserable night last night. He’d told his daddy about his new job after he left the grocery store, mostly to keep from calling Jay a thousand times. His mama had insisted Landon’s daddy accept his resignation—one Landon hadn’t yet intended to give.