Breaking Shaun (54 page)

Natalie laughed a little at my dad’s joke, but she didn’t say anything.

“You know how to change diapers, Killer?”

Natalie turned to look at me over her shoulder before her eyes moved to my dad and then back to me. “Yeah, I had to change my sister’s,” she muttered before giving me a small smile.

“Good. Then, you can teach me,” I said, winking at her.

I was trying to cheer her up, and I was hoping that her mood today had nothing to do with me. She gave me that same sad smile before turning around again.

This was supposed to be a celebration. I was about to be a father for the first time, and I’d just signed a contract with Rip Curl, which no one, except Marcus, knew about because I wanted to tell Natalie first. But it seemed like no matter what I had done or how hard I’d tried to show her I loved her, it wasn’t enough. She still wasn’t sure what she wanted, and it was pissing me off.

When we got to my apartment, my dad helped us unload all the gifts from his truck. We took them into the baby’s room, and then he left Natalie and me alone. I was sure he could sense the tension growing between us.

Once the door shut behind him, I went into my room where Natalie was getting ready for bed.

“What’s going on?” I asked as I leaned against the doorway.

“What do you mean?”

Natalie took off her pants, and my eyes followed their descent to the floor.

“You know exactly what I mean, Natalie. With us. What’s going on with us?”

Natalie looked at me, and I could see the apprehension on her face.

Her gaze moved to the floor. “Nothing is going on, Shaun. I’m just tired, that’s all.”

“Bullshit,” I muttered.

Her eyes met mine again.

“You’ve been acting weird for the past few months, and I’ve tried to ignore it. I’ve tried to give you time to figure shit out or to come talk to me, but you haven’t. You’ve just pushed me further and further away. What else do you need from me, Natalie? I fucking love you. I show you all the time. I tell you all the time. What the fuck else can I do?” I was shouting before I finished.

Her eyes were welling up with tears, but I’d needed to get this out. I had to know what she was thinking and if she was going to stay. Natalie sat on the edge of my bed and hung her head as she looked down at her lap. I wanted to go to her, to comfort her, but I couldn’t.

“What would you do?” she asked, turning her head to look at me, as tears streamed down her cheeks.

“What?”

“If the tables were turned, and I was pregnant with another man’s baby. What would you do? Would my love be enough to keep you around? Would you wonder where you fit in? Would you look at my stomach and wish it were your baby inside of me instead of someone else’s? Because those are all the things I’m feeling, and…” She paused when her breath hitched, and more tears fell. “I just don’t know if I belong, Shaun. I’m not your wife. I don’t even live with you. When the baby comes, you’ll be busy taking care of it. You’ll be busy becoming a father. Where will that leave me? How can I allow myself to need you when you don’t need me?”

Coming into the room, I dropped to my knees in front of her, and I took her hands in mine. Natalie peered up at me. Her makeup had smeared under her eyes, and her nose was red and running. She was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.

“You think I don’t need you? I’ve never needed anyone before, Natalie, but I fucking need you. Don’t you get that? Nothing in my life feels right when you’re not around. I don’t know how it feels to be in your position. I probably would have run away as soon as you said you were pregnant with someone else’s child, but I’m not as strong as you. I’m not as selfless and amazing as you are. God, Natalie, I’d do anything to give you the fairy tale, but I can’t. My life is crazy, and sometimes, I fuck up, but I love you. I’ll always love you. Your love is the only thing holding me together.”

Lowering my head, I kissed Natalie’s fingers, and I could feel them shaking before she pulled them from my grasp.

“Please don’t break me, Natalie,” I whispered, peering up at her.

She stared out my window as her tears kept falling. “I have to go.”

I was sitting on a plane to New York with my sunglasses on as I stared out at the clouds beneath me. I was running away, and as much as it had killed me to leave Shaun kneeling on his bedroom floor, I couldn’t stay. I had to get away and clear my head. Luckily, I’d been able to get off of work. I needed time to remember why I’d moved to Virginia in the first place. I was supposed to be finding myself, freeing myself from all the fear and control I’d held on to so tightly, but I was losing my way. I couldn’t think clearly when I was around Shaun. He was intoxicating, and when we were together, he was all I thought about. I forgot about me.

Shaun had a baby coming who deserved his full attention. Everything in his life was about to change. He didn’t need me complicating things and adding to his stress, and I needed time to decide what I wanted. If I was going to do this, I couldn’t have one foot out the door. I had to be all in.

Turning on my phone, I opened the last text I’d sent to Shaun before boarding the plane.

I just need time to think things through. I hope you understand. I love you.

I wasn’t sure if he’d responded since my phone had no connection. Just like the plane I was sitting in, my life felt suspended in midair, and as much as I wanted to fly, I always found myself preparing for the fall.

One Week Later…

I’d spent the last week walking the streets of Manhattan and taking pictures. My sister was waitressing, so she hadn’t had much time to hang out with me, especially since I hadn’t warned her that I was coming. It was fine with me though. I needed time to be alone with my thoughts and my camera.

I’d ended up taking pictures of mothers with their children. I’d focused on each mother’s eyes as she watched her kids laughing and the way she lit up with smiles as if she couldn’t help it.

I tried to imagine my life without Shaun, and the thought alone had brought tears to my eyes. I wouldn’t just be losing him, the first man I’d ever loved. I would have to leave Virginia and the life I’d made there, too—my friends, my new apartment, my job. I would end up right back where I’d started—alone with no hope.

Every time I closed my eyes, I would see Shaun’s response to my text.

I’ll be waiting.

Three Weeks Later…

I was speeding down the highway in my Mustang, weaving in and out of traffic.

“Get out of the way, fucker!” I yelled at the driver in front of me.

Checking my blind spot, I switched lanes just in time to avoid rear-ending his car. I was in a race against time. Shaun had called me two hours ago, saying Rachel’s water had broken. I had been at my second job, waitressing at a local restaurant, and my asshole boss had refused to let me leave until I was finished with all my tables. Apparently, my fiancé’s baby being born hadn’t been a good enough reason to get out of work early.

My phone started ringing in my purse as I took the exit toward the hospital. It was Shaun.

“I’m coming. I’m sorry. I’m driving as fast as I can.”

Shaun chuckled into the phone, but he sounded nervous. “It’s okay, Killer. Don’t get in a wreck while trying to get here.”

“How’s it going? Is she pushing yet?”

“Yeah, she’s been pushing for a while though. She got an epidural, and she seems to be doing better. I need to get back in there though. She’s all by herself.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. Her stepsister is on her way, but she said her parents aren’t coming. I guess they’re pretending this part of her life never happened.”

What assholes.
“Okay, well, go. I’m almost there.”

“I love you, Natalie.”

“I love you, too. Now, go!”

I parked my car in the first spot I found. I got my camera and my purse and took off running for the entrance of the hospital. When I made it to the maternity ward, Shaun’s family was sitting in the waiting room.

Asia smiled when I walked in, and she stood up to give me a hug. “How are you? Can you believe this? I can’t wait to find out if it’s a girl or a boy.”

I smiled as I hugged her back. “I’m betting on a girl.”

Pulling back, Asia looked at me skeptically. “Really? I always imagined Shaun having a boy. You know, a little mini Shaun.”

I laughed as I put my purse on an empty chair. “Well, I guess we’ll see.” I went to sit in the seat next to my purse.

“What are you doing?” Rob asked.

I looked around the room, and they were all watching me.

“I’m waiting.”

“Shaun wants you in the room. He’s waiting for you in there,” Rob said.

I looked at Rob and then to his dad. “Are you sure? Will Rachel mind?”

“He already talked to her about it, sweetheart. Go ahead,” Robert said, smiling at me.

“Oh.”

Shaun was about to meet his baby for the first time, and he wanted me to be with him.

Standing up, I made sure to grab my camera, and asked Asia, “Will you keep an eye on my purse?” She nodded and waved me off before I wasted any more time.

“Room five sixteen!” she yelled after me.

I jogged down the hall until I found the right door, and I knocked on it. When the door opened, a nurse let me in, and Shaun was standing next to Rachel’s bed, feeding her ice chips. She had an IV in her arm and something strapped around her bare stomach. Monitors next to her bed seemed to be tracking her contractions and the baby’s heartbeat.

Shaun’s face lit up when he saw me, and I reluctantly made my way into the room. I kept expecting the nurse to tell me to leave.

“You made it,” he said.

I came to stand beside him, and he curled his arm around my shoulders. I gave Rachel a small smile as I took her hand in mine. She squeezed her eyes shut, and the screen next to the bed showed another contraction. Her hair was wet with sweat, and her face was red as she tried to breathe through the pain.

“Breathe. You’ve got this, Rachel. You’ve got this,” Shaun said as he brushed her hair away from her face.

A male doctor walked in and began washing his hands at the sink by the door. “All right, Miss Rachel. It’s time to get this baby out. Are you ready?”

“She’s been ready,” Shaun said, smiling down at her.