Breath of Life (20 page)

“Yes, but I felt numb. I felt myself retracting into my own little world again. I checked out. He took me to my bed and made sure I was comfortable.  He apologized, again. He said he was leaving and wouldn’t have any contact with me unless I initiated it. He left my view then. I heard him close the door and lean against it. That’s when I knew he meant it. I heard him lift off the door. I needed to go after him. I needed him to explain more to me. When I cracked the door open, I froze because the nursery light was on. He was in there. I quietly walked over there. He was standing in the middle of the room with his shoulders slumped over. It broke my heart and as much as I hated to admit it, I still love.  He turned to leave and found me there in the doorway. The next thing I knew I was chasing him down the stairs.” Paxton paused as she replayed the nursery scene. She couldn’t shake the memories. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She saw Dr. Keeler sitting there waiting for more.

“Duke showed up when I was coming down the stairs. He thought Jack came back to hurt me again.” Paxton scoffed.

“They started to get into a pissing contest when I broke in and told Duke to back off. He told me that he was just making sure I was okay and he figured Jack did something to me as I had tears running down my face. I lost it and Duke and I got into it. When I brought up Ella, it was over. He left me standing there before I said something I regretted to him. It was probably a good thing because I would have. In that moment he left me just like Jack did.”

“And Jack was still there?”

“Yes, he asked if I was okay. I knew I wasn’t but I needed him to leave to. I didn’t need him trying to influence me or my feelings. I asked him a final time about the nursery. He told me that he wanted me to be his children’s mother and that I held his heart and he didn’t want it back. He kissed me and left but this time it was different. I saw the regret in his eyes, not the anger.”

Paxton looked over at Dr. Keeler waiting for her to say something. Waiting for her input but she just stared down at her pad at whatever she written. Paxton looked over at her shoulder and realized she had been talking for fifteen minutes. Today’s session was an hour and a half.

“So are you trying to figure out how you should feel right now?”

“I guess. I don’t know. I just don’t know what to do. I just want my best friend right now.” Paxton twisted her hands together.

She knew it was time to talk to her about Ella, about what happened. Then maybe they could figure out where she should go from here.

“Where is she Paxton? Why did she leave you?” Dr. Keeler was pressing her.

Paxton closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and let the memories she tried locking up take over.

***

February 2011

Paxton just got out of a surgery where she had to pull a knife out of a teenager’s chest. He was brought in because he got in to a fight with another teenage boy. She was heading out the door when the trauma came in. She called Jack to let her know she was going to be late for dinner when she found out she was the only available surgeon.  She checked the clock, only twenty minutes late right now. By the time she got to the house, she would be about an hour late.  She smiled thinking she made good time with the surgery. The boy would be fine but he’d have a slight scar. 

Paxton was walking down the hall when her pager went off. It was an all hands on deck alert. She threw her head back not wanting to go back in the O.R. She just wanted to go have dinner with Jack, Ella and Duke. They had been planning this weekend for so long. After dinner they were going to have a casino night in Kansas City.  Duke and Ella should be getting close to Manhattan right about now. Paxton was jealous that they were coming back from a week in Texas visiting some of their old high school buddies. She wanted to go badly but she was needed here because a couple other surgeons were taking their own vacations.  

She arrived at the emergency room and saw Susie, one of her favorite nurses and friends at the hospital.

“Big pile up on 1-70. Overturned semi and cars that couldn’t stop in time. Half the victims are coming here. The other half are going to Geary County hospital.”

“I should probably just tell Jack I will meet them in KC. I don’t think I will ever get out of here. Why couldn’t this happen next weekend. The one weekend I make plans,” Paxton groaned. 

They waited for the ambulances. It was chilly out there but they were ready.  Steve joined them as the first ambulance arrived. EMTs jumped out of the back.

“What do we have here?” Steve jumped first.

“Unidentified male. Thrown from a car, unconscious, scrapes maybe some internal bleeding.”

“Okay let’s roll. Get him into O.R. 3,” Steve commanded as they wheeled him back. Paxton heard him shouting more instructions to his nurses.  Paxton hoped she was as lucky as Steve was with her patient. By then the other surgeon on duty came out.

Two more ambulances came in at the same time. Paxton jumped to one as the doors swung open.

“What do we have boys?” She helped unload the patient.

“Unidentified female, car caught on fire. 3
degree burns, multiple lacerations to the face, neck and arms. She was hit by two other cars who couldn’t stop. Possible broken back, knee looks shattered, distended abdomen, we think it’s bleeding.”

“Okay, let’s go.” Paxton knew she got the shit-storm for patients. She wasn’t getting out of here anytime soon.

She shouted orders to Susie and other interns. Ordering tests, blood work, and x-rays scans. She knew she didn’t have much time. Someone brought in a portable ultrasound machine. She started with the abdomen. The EMTs were right, severe internal bleeding.  Paxton felt over the ribs, several broken ribs. Nasty bruising from the steering wheel. Paxton felt sorry for her. She wasn’t sure where to start with treatment but she needed to get to the O.R. stat to stop this bleeding. After a few more seconds, she knew she would have to do exploratory surgery to find out what was causing the bleeding.

“Find an open O.R. and let’s get there now,” Paxton shouted out.

“O.R. 5 is open and ready.”

“Let’s move people.” Paxton was ready to try to save this girls life. “Susie, call Jack and tell him I may not be up until tomorrow.” She saw Susie scamper off.

Paxton was scrubbing her hands and arms when Susie appeared. Her focus was broken. “Jack said...”

“Susie, please. I know what Jack probably said, I need to focus now. Can you please do my rounds and check on patients for me? I will owe you big time right now,” Paxton pleaded. She saw Susie open her mouth but closed it.  “I’m sorry Suz... what did Jack say.”

“He said Duke and Ella haven’t made it yet. So he is going to ask them to put off driving until tomorrow.”

“Probably stuck behind the people trying to clean up the accident. Thanks. Keep me posted if Jack calls unless I am in there.”

“Ok,” Susie smiled.

Paxton hated hurting Susie’s feelings. She was so focused on how to save this person’s life that she didn’t want to hear about Jack having to wait or say that it’s okay she’s running late. She just wanted to be there with them.  She finished scrubbing and headed into save this girl’s life.

A few hours later, Paxton walked out of the O.R. She was exhausted. The weight on her shoulders were heavy. She couldn’t save the girl’s life. She closed and had the nurses look for identifying scars, tattoos, marks that will help find the family. She hated delivering this news.  She slid down the wall just outside the O.R. She just needed a few moments.

“You’re out!”

Paxton looked up and Susie was striding towards her. “Jack called, Ella and Duke didn’t make it. He can’t get a hold of them. I was coming to tell you this when I was pulled into Steve’s patient’s room. It was Duke.  He’s asking for you.”

Paxton’s head jerked up. She scrambled to her feet. If Duke was in the accident and the unidentified male, “Who was in the other ambulance that pulled up?” Paxton asked.

“Male, 55. He hit the semi first from what I was told.”

“Any other patients brought here?”

“No they were DOA or air lifted to St. Francis. I checked and Ella was not transported anywhere else. She would have been brought here. There are a couple more unidentified people that are getting treated that have just scrapes and bumps. I didn’t see Ella.”

Paxton broke through the O.R. doors she just came through a few minutes ago.  “Ally, check her hip,” Paxton ordered.

“Which one and what am I looking for?”

“Does she have a tattoo on her left hip?”  Paxton saw Ally remove the surgical covers.

“A crescent moon with a string tied likes its hanging,” Ally looked up.

Paxton covered her mouth. She ran over and saw for herself. Paxton’s right hand went to her hip where the other half of the tattoo was. Paxton had the hanging stars. If they stood next to each other they had hanging moon and stars. Their best friend tattoos.

“No, no.” She looked at the face. It was swollen and cut up but if she looked hard enough, she could see Ella’s face.

“NO!”

“Dr. Mercier?” Ally’s voice rang out trying to understand what was going on.

“No, no, no.” She sank to the floor. Ally looked out the window and saw Susie.

“I need help in here!” Ally shouted.

Susie came rushing in. She tried reaching for Paxton. Paxton shoved her away. She didn’t want anyone touching her. Susie attempted again.

“Everyone out!” Paxton ordered.  Ally and Susie stared at her and hesitated.

“Out! Get out!” Paxton threw a discarded cover at them.

Susie went to the phone and called someone. Paxton figured it was security or Steve to come in and help. Paxton couldn’t believe her best friend ended up on her table. She should have recognized her. She should have been able to save her. She had everything under control until her body just gave up and she coded. She heard the flat line of the heart monitor. They tried resuscitating her for five minutes. Her heart just wouldn’t start. Paxton called time of death instead of trying harder.

She went over every cut, stitch, every movement she made. Did she check every part she could? Paxton rocked herself. She reached up to her best friend. She needed to try again.  She flipped the heart monitor on. They hadn’t taken her off yet. The flat line alarm went off. She grabbed the defibrillation paddles.

“
Don’t you die on me!”
 She pressed the paddles into her best friend. Ella’s body reacted to the shock and fell flat on the table again. “No, you don’t get to leave me. I won’t let you.”

She charged and pressed again. Flat line. “You come back to me now.” She charged again. She pressed them again. Tears falling down. Ella’s body lurched. The flat line continued.

“You can’t leave Duke. I can’t tell him. You come back right now!” She pressed again. Another lurch, the sound of the flat line. 

She set the paddles down. She started CPR. She needed to get the blood flowing, get the oxygen to her brain.

“Paxton, stop!” a voice cried out. It was Jonathan.

Paxton struggled as he grabbed her arms trying to pull her away from Ella.  She couldn’t stop working on her best friend. She was losing precious time.

“Let me go!” She screamed. She slammed her foot on his instep. He let go instinctively. She went back to Ella.

“Paxton, enough! She’s gone,” Jonathan ordered. His expression was filled with concern for his friend.

“No, I can save her. I missed something. I just need to go back in.” Paxton was frantic. 

“Go call Jack, get him here now,” he whispered to Susie. “Does Duke know yet?”

“No. I’ll go call.” Her heart was heavy too.

“Ally, take the paddle out. I don’t want her burning Ella’s body,” Jonathan ordered quietly but Paxton still heard him. She knew that he was trying to protect the hospital. She continued working on her friend.

A few more minutes went by. Paxton still heard the flat-line of the heart monitor. She knew Ella was gone. She laid her head on Ella’s chest. Tears were streaming down her face. Jonathan pulled her into him.

“I’m so sorry Paxton.”

She collapsed in his arms and Jonathan just held her. She cried and he slowly rocked her side to side. The tears continued for a few more moments. She stood up straight and wiped her eyes.

“I have to go tell him,” Paxton voice was strained.

“I can do that.”

“No, she was my patient.” Her eyes darted to him, she slipped on her professional mask. “I need to inform the family.”

Paxton pulled herself together. She knew she wasn’t being very professional at the moment. She took a couple deep breaths and walked out of the room.

She saw Steve walking down the hall when she hit the surgical floor. “Where is Duke?”

“412. I’m so sorry Pax.”

“Don’t,” she threw up one of her hands to stop him from talking. She looked away from him. “I need to inform the family.”

Paxton knew she had a job to do. She was responsible and the lead on the case, she had to finish her job.  She knew she wasn’t far from the door where she would completely destroy someone’s world. She knew took away his wife and his future. When she got to his door, she hesitated. This was going to be hard and she didn’t know how she was going to make it through this one. She steeled herself and walked in through the sliding door.

“Hey there Pax.” Duke’s tense arms relaxed when he saw her enter the room.

“Hey Duke,” Paxton paused. She couldn’t do it. She felt her nerves waiver.

“Have you heard about Ella? I haven’t heard anything about her yet. Do you know if one of your colleagues has her case?”

Paxton could hear the hope in his voice. He had no idea how bad of a condition his wife was in. This would make it even harder. “She ended up on my table. She came in as an unidentified person.”

“So how is she? When can I see her?” He lifted himself up.  His face fell when she hesitated trying to control her emotions. The hard part was here. She shook her head.

“I tried. I did everything I could, but Duke her injuries were serious.” She took a step closer and grabbed his hand. He was silent. “She had swelling and lacerations to her face. Serious internal bleeding, broken ribs. I took her into the O.R. and started working on her. Her body gave out on her a few hours into the surgery. She didn’t make it Duke. I’m so sorry.”