Breath of Life (22 page)

She knelt at the gravestone. She touched the cool marble.  The last time she was here only a marker with her name was in the ground. Now there was a marble stone her mother picked out for Ella. It had the normal encryption, name, date of birth, date of death. Paxton felt the engravings. She looked down at the picture that was put on it. It was one of Ella looking over the moon after Duke proposed. Below the picture, her mother had Ella’s favorite saying. She had made it up after her parents died:
You are my moment, my breath of life. Don’t you forget this.

Ella told Paxton that every day.  It was reminder of how short life was. Ella said it was better than the clichés like ‘Live life to the fullest’ or ‘Carpe Diem’. It was more personal, it was just Ella. She was the artist, she lived on the edge but she didn’t do it unless Paxton was with her. Now that Paxton didn’t have her, nothing was the same.

She stared at the words engraved. She stared at it and heard Ella’s voice in her head. She blamed herself even more than she did before. She wasn’t breathing now because of Paxton. “I’m so sorry Ellie-bear.” She laid herself down. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you or your baby.”

SEVENTEEN

It had been a few days since Paxton visited Ella at the cemetery. She had laid there all afternoon filling her in on what she missed and how much of a mess she had made. She even told Ella about her and Duke. She mentally chastised herself for that part, pretending it was Ella doing the yelling but Dr. Keeler was right. She felt better after visiting. A small weight was lifted off her shoulders.

Duke found her out there just enjoying the sun, pretending Ella was laying out right beside her. He apparently came every week to make sure she had fresh flowers. They sat and talked for a bit on the back of his truck and he felt the same way Dr. Keeler did. He never blamed her for Ella’s death. He blamed himself more for surviving but he grieved for her all the way through the funeral. He said he will always love Ella but he had to move on back then. He was actually the one who suggested putting Ella’s quote on the headstone. 

Paxton stopped blaming herself. It was like someone flipped a switch for her thoughts. She felt better even though she was still keeping the secret of the baby to herself. She didn’t want to open a new wound for Duke. She would sure she would lose him too. Losing Jack almost killed her. Knowing she put Duke through more hell would be torture for her.

Paxton never texted or called Jack that week. She was needing to work on forgiving herself and getting her life back before she tried to repair any relationship with Jack. He said he would give her space and that is exactly what she needed. She could only change so much. Jack was true to his word though. He hadn’t tried to contact Paxton at all.

She was packing up his stuff from the office. She was going to make it her own office. She wanted to get back into hospital. She wanted to be in a surgery. If she were going to try to get her job back, she knew she would need to catch up on surgical news, procedures, figure out when Medical extended learning classes were. She would have to make sure to take a couple and go to conferences otherwise her license would be void. She hated state laws at that moment. She grabbed her tape gun and taped up the last box. The last of Jack’s stuff took up eight boxes. She texted him for a shipping address. Jack was going to be out of her life for the moment.

A knock on the door pulled her out of the office. She opened the door and found Jonathan standing there.

“Hey, I wasn’t expecting you but I was just thinking about calling you,” she said testing the waters with him. She hadn’t talked to him since the night Jack showed up.

“Jack is getting ready to go back to New York. You are breaking his heart Paxton. I haven’t seen him so empty before.”

“I don’t want to talk about him. I can’t. I’m trying to focus on myself first.”

“I understand that but you should talk to him.”

“I will. I just can’t right now. If that’s all that you came here for, I’m sorry to disappoint you but please come in. I need to talk to you about my job,” she said opening the door wider for him to come in. He hesitated before he came in.

“Listen, I know that Jack told you I sent the picture of you and Duke. I’m sorry. You both are my friends and frankly you two belong together.”

“No you’re not but I forgive you. Now, if you don’t mind I don’t want to talk about Jack.” Paxton led him towards the kitchen.  “Would you like anything to drink?”

“Water is fine.” He replied sitting at the table in the dining area.

Paxton poured herself a cup of tea and grabbed his water.  She was getting nervous about the impending conversation. She set the glasses down and took the seat next to Jonathan.

“I want to come back to work. What will it take to get me in there? I know I haven’t had my license pulled.”

“Are you sure you are ready for that?”

“Yes. I need to be back in there. I have forgiven myself for Ella. I feel like my old self for the most part, wiser but like my old self.”

“Well, I would need a letter from Dr. Keeler stating you are not mental, never were. I’d need you to take a drug/alcohol test. I’d also need a few votes of confidence from people who know you.”

“I think I can manage that. I’m not sure who to get the character votes from but I will get them.”

“I would prefer those to come from Duke and Jack, if it were up to me, but they would have to attest for your behavior. I’m sure I can get the board to agree with me. You still have many friends at the hospital, the president of the board being one of them even though he was a jackass to you. I’m really sorry Pax.” His apology came out of nowhere. Paxton wasn’t sure what to say.

“Thanks,” she said. He offered her a small smile. “I’m sorry too. I haven’t been a very great friend over the last year.”

“All is forgiven. Just come back. Give Jack a call and we’ll call it good.” He stood and placed his glass in the sink. “I better be going. Let me know when you want to come back. I will set up a meeting with the board.” Paxton went over and hugged him.

“Thanks, I’ll let you know.”  She led him to the door and closed it behind him.

She wasn’t sure how to get the vote of confidence from Jack. She really didn’t want to deal with him right now but she saw Jonathan’s point. Jack’s vote would mean something to the board, despite everything that happened. She looked at her phone. No response from Jack. She decided to call him. She didn’t want to deal with him, but this was really about her just getting her job back. She pressed the send button.  It rang once, twice.

Jack fumbled around for his phone. He couldn’t find it so he assumed it was Kenleigh’s and nudged her. She groaned and reached for the phone. 

“Yes?” She said half asleep.

“Uh…who is this?”

“Who is this? You are the one who called me.”  Kenleigh awakened a little bit more.

“I called Jack’s phone. Who the hell are you?” Sudden recognition of the voice hit her.

“Paxton, its Kenleigh,” she said quickly sitting up.

She heard a click on the other end. She stared at the phone and it was indeed Jack’s. It was two in the afternoon. She didn’t remember much of last night or the past few. Jack went on a bender over the last few nights and she followed him around, only last night she ended up in his bed. She lifted the covers to see if she was letting her imagination get to her. Nope, Kenleigh found herself naked in Jack’s bed.  

She remembered his hands all over her at the bars. They both were drinking a little too much. The bartender who knew Jack, called a cab for them. They got back here and couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They were both filling a need. Kenleigh had started to really fall for her friend over the last couple of days. She knew that he was just trying to forget Paxton but she didn’t care. She needed him. She wanted him. Kenleigh allowed him to take her to bed. She remembered the feel of his skin against hers. It was heaven almost a perfect fit. His primal need led to the most wonderful climax she ever had. Then it dawned on her that she may have just fucked him over in more ways than one now. He may push her away for it.

“Oh fuck, Jack wake up!” She nudged at him and then shoved him when he didn’t wake up. “Jack open your eyes, I think I just screwed things up.”

Jack groaned. His head was killing him.  “What the hell Kitten?”

“Jack, focus. Look at where we are!” Kenleigh’s yelling wasn’t helping Jack’s head.

He didn’t remember them coming back to the hotel. He didn’t remember a lot of the past couple of days except for the fact that Paxton never called, never texted.  He sat up and rubbed his eyes trying to wake himself up. He looked over and saw Kenleigh, who seemed to be naked in his bed. He looked down at himself and he was probably as equally as naked as she was under the sheets.

“Oh fuck me!” Jack said hanging his head.

“I think I already did, but now I think I really screwed you over,” Kenleigh said without thinking. Jack snapped his head up and looked at her.

“What are you talking about? I probably took advantage of you last night.” He regretted crossing the line with Kenleigh.

“No you didn’t. I could have stopped you but I didn’t and now,” Kenleigh paused trying to find the words. “Paxton called. That was your phone ringing not mine. Your phone was on my side.”

“Paxton called?” Jack felt like the rug was pulled out from under him. “What did she say? Why didn’t you let me talk to her?”

“I thought it was my phone, once I figured out it was her, I let her know who I was. She just hung up. I’m sorry Jack. I was half asleep when I answered.”

Jack jumped out of bed and paced. He didn’t care about not having clothes on. All he cared about is why Paxton called and what she was thinking now.  Paxton was always somewhat jealous of Kenleigh even though she had no reason to be. Now Jack knew his headache was the least of his problems. He wasn’t sure what to do but he looked at Kenleigh. She had a look of regret on her face. He climbed in the bed on his knee and reached out to her.

“I’m going to be honest, I don’t really remember last night. I’m sure we both weren’t in the right mind, but I love you Kitten. Not in the way I love Paxton but you have been there through all the rough times, you are my best friend. I don’t regret last night, but I can’t let Paxton slip through my fingers, not again. Don’t you regret it,” he rested his forehead against hers. “Okay?”

“I love you too Jack. Sometimes I wish it were me you were hung up on but I know Paxton holds your heart. I’m not going to leave you now. If she crushes you again though, I will kill her. I hate seeing you like this.”

Jack’s heart ached for Kenleigh. He did not know what he would do without her. It dawned on him that Kenleigh also held a piece of his heart.  Maybe with some time, Kenleigh could hold his whole heart instead of Paxton but Jack knew his feelings for Kenleigh were vastly different than what he felt for Paxton.

Kenleigh pulled back from Jack. He looked at her as she climbed out of bed. Jack saw how beautiful she was. Under different circumstances, maybe they could work out. She was smart, beautiful, funny and motivated.

“I’m gonna go shower in my room. I know you need some time.”  Kenleigh pulled on her dress. She put her undergarments in her purse and grabbed her phone. She walked over and gave him a kiss on the cheek.  Jack sighed as he saw her walk out the door. “Call me later.”

Jack climbed in the shower himself. He still didn’t know what to do when he came out of the shower. He had a towel wrapped around his waist and he sat on the bed. He knew last night he crossed a line that was never meant to be crossed. As if the fates knew it, Paxton called him this morning. He spoke to Jonathan yesterday telling him that he was going to try to head back to New York today. Jonathan sighed knowing Jack was giving up but he didn’t protest.

Jack had decided that he needed a drink because he was about to face a world without Paxton at his side. One drink turned into two, which turned into way too many. He slept with his best friend last night and now he was pretty sure she was kicking herself now. Jack didn’t know how he manages to screw up everything he touches lately. Maybe it was karma for when he walked out on Paxton all those months ago.

Jack scrolled to his messages to see if maybe Paxton had tried to contact him before she called. The top message was to Duke. He opened it up and saw a picture of himself and Kenleigh looking happy, naked in their post-coital glow. Jack sighed. Below the picture he saw his message to Duke, ‘At
least I didn’t almost call her the wrong name…’
Jack didn’t see a response from Duke. He didn’t know how to take that.

He decided he need to call Paxton back and explain. He dialed her number and it just rang. No answer. This wasn’t good. Jack didn’t have a good feeling. Her voicemail picked up. He couldn’t leave an apology on her voicemail. He needed to go see her. He got dressed. He put on her favorite jeans the hung low on his hips. He picked out a fitted shirt. She always love the way those stretch cotton shirts looked on him. He decided on the black one he packed. He went to the bathroom and brushed through his hair. He kept it longer because Paxton loved it that way. He hadn’t shaved since he got here so he looked a little more rugged that he usually looked. He threw on his black loafers and checked himself out in the mirror. He had to look his best for his apology.

He left his room and knocked on Kenleigh’s door. He needed to check on her. She hadn’t made a sound since she got out of the shower. She usually played music. He was able to at least hear the beat between the walls. She opened the door and her jaw dropped.

“You clean up nice,” she said as she motioned for him to come in.

“I’m going to see her. I need to apologize. I just need to see if you’re really okay,” Jack brushed his knuckles on her jawline. Her gaze dropped to the floor.

“I’m fine. I just needed to clear my head.”

“I have to show you something just in case something happens.” Jack saw her gaze lift with worry.

“What?”

Jack pulled out his phone and showed her the picture. She gasped and covered her mouth. Jack saw her green eyes look up with him. He saw the conflicting emotions flicker across her face. She stepped around him and went laid face down on her bed.