Breath of Life (24 page)

He saw flickers of pain cross her face and she looked away from him. He grabbed her chin and made her face him. She closed her eyes. She avoided him. Duke knew she was keeping something from him. Something big.

“Paxton, please.” He waited for her to open her eyes. “Look at me,” he said more forcefully.

Her eyes flew open. Pain was in them. Her grey eyes were dull. Duke let go of her chin and swept a lock of her brown hair away from her face. “Tell me.”

“I can’t.” Fear grew in her eyes. Duke didn’t understand what was going through her head.

“I can’t. I just can’t.” She looked away and back at him. “It would hurt you too much,” she confessed.

“What will hurt me?” Tension was growing in his shoulders. He sighed when she didn’t break her silence.

Duke stood up and walked around the nursery. He rubbed the crib edge. He had a secret of his own and he thinks that it might be related to Paxton’s secret. The one she has been keeping for a while now if he was right.

“You know that week right before Ella died, I found pregnancy tests in our guest bathroom. One negative, one positive.” Duke wasn’t sure what came over him. Maybe it was because he was in a nursery and Paxton brought it up. He didn’t tell anyone about it. He wasn’t sure if Paxton knew.

“What?”

Duke saw the look of disbelief on her face. “I found them. At first, I thought it might be for you but I noticed Ella acting strange. I figured she might be pregnant but I was waiting for her to confirm it. I knew you were there throughout the week so I wasn’t sure which one of you were testing. When she didn’t tell me, I knew it was probably you. When no news came about, I figured it was a false alarm. Obviously you didn’t have a baby and Ella, well she never told me.”

“You knew about the tests and didn’t say anything?”

“Was it for you?”

He turned and watched Paxton. She hung her head down with her hands covering the back of her head. She rocked herself. That confirmed what he thought. Paxton got rid of the baby or lost it, one of the two. Jack didn’t know. He was sure that Jack would have said something to him.

He went over and wrapped his arms around her. He figured this is why Paxton was sitting in here. She lost her best friend, then forgetting about the baby she drank until she lost her baby then drank even more to cope for that loss. Or maybe Paxton terminated the pregnancy. Maybe that is part of the reason Jack was so angry at her. Things seemed to make a little more sense to him now. It was the reason she couldn’t bring herself to change this room. It was her reminder.

“I didn’t mean to bring up the bad memories. I am so sorry about your baby.” He felt Paxton still in his arms. He noticed how often she did that when she heard something she wasn’t expecting.

She looked up at him. She ran her hand over his face. She looked undecided about how to respond to his statement. He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

“I think I understand where you are coming from. If I lost Ella and a baby that night, I would probably be where you are now or worse.” Duke held her tight. She had been living through a hell all by herself.

He kissed her forehead again and then trailed them down her face. She looked up at him and kissed him hungrily. She wrapped herself around him. He ran his hands through her hair. He stood up breaking contact with her. “Not tonight. Let me just take care of you.”

She took a step away from him not saying anything. Duke reached for her hand and took her to her bedroom. He led her to the bathroom and placed her on the counter. He went over and started running water for the Jacuzzi bathtub. He poured some oils in after examining each bottle. He decided lavender would be best. He read on the bottle it was good for relaxation.  He looked over his shoulder at Paxton who was watching him carefully.

He walked over and gently undressed her. He picked her up and set her down in the tub. It was just about full so he turned off the water.  She stared at him, silently invited him in. He took his jeans off the slid in behind her putting his legs in the water. He sat on the edge. He took a cup that was nearby and filled it with water. She leaned her head back as he poured the water in her hair. He needed to show that he cared for her. Duke thought this is what she needed right now. She didn’t need to throw her body at someone. He felt her relax between his legs.

He leaned over and grabbed the shampoo. He gently washed her hair. He was careful with her. After he conditioned it, he grabbed the body wash. He pushed her forward slightly. He rubbed some between his hands to get the lather going. Duke decided to start with her shoulders. He massaged the tight knots out of them. He worked his way down her back, kneading the knots out. Occasionally she groaned with pleasure as the tension was released.  When he was finished, he rinsed her backside.

“Turn around,” his voice was soft but firm.

Paxton complied. He inhaled sharply when she faced him. Duke saw the longing in her eyes. The passion she wanted to unleash on him. He put more body wash in his hands. He started with her arms, gently massaging them. She moved closer knowing her torso was next. She waited for him to continue. Duke suddenly regretted the decision. He didn’t want to have sex with her tonight. He wanted to make love to her but not under the circumstances. Not after everything that happened today.  She stood up as if she sensed his hesitancy. She grabbed the bottom of his shirt.

“Join me.” Her face was so close to his. He closed his eyes. He inhaled her scent and she placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. “Join me,” she said again.

Duke sighed, giving in to her and she pulled his shirt over his head. He climbed out and dropped his briefs. A moment later he joined her in the Jacuzzi. She climbed up against him. She nipped and kissed him all over his chest. Duke gripped the sides of the tub. He hadn’t felt this good in a long time. Paxton moved her way up his next then along his jaw line. She claimed his mouth and he gripped her hips. He pulled her up and stood in the Jacuzzi. He stepped out.

“I think we are done in here,” Duke reached for her hand. He didn’t want to take it any further but he knew he couldn’t stay in the Jacuzzi with her. 

He walked her to the bedroom after putting his briefs back on.  She pulled him down on the bed and he tried to resist. He still didn’t want to take it any further, she was just trying to distract herself. As much as he wanted to, he knew it would be wrong.

“Hey now. Let’s get some clothes on you.” He tried to pry himself out of her grip and escape the kisses on his shoulder and chest.

“Duke, I don’t need clothes for what I have in mind.”

“Paxton, not tonight. You need time to process things. Just please, not tonight.”

“But I want you Duke. I need you.”

“No you don’t, but I will hold you tonight, if you want me that bad. But if you ask me again, I will walk out that door. I don’t want you regretting anything else that happens between us.”

Duke saw her drop to the bed. She looked up at him and Duke saw her contemplating look.  She then pushed him aside. He watched her go to her dresser and pull out a see through piece of lingerie. She put it on and strutted back to the bed. She was going to make this hard on him tonight but he would stick to his plan.  

Duke got up and pulled the comforter and sheet down. They both climbed in and she brought her back up against him. He wrapped her arm around her and just held her. She needed this more than anything else. She needed someone to show her that they still cared about her and what happened to her.

He felt her breathing become a little erratic and he peered around to her face. He saw tears falling. He knew now that he made the right decision for her. She needed to get through this and not run from it or try to bury it.

NINETEEN

 Paxton woke up in Duke’s arms again, only this time she knew he was there. Last night things changed between them once again, only this time they were sober when it happened. She rolled over and faced him. It was still early, only about 6:45 in the morning. He would need to get up for school soon. He still had a job he had to do. She studied his face. It was very seldom that she saw him in a relaxed state.

Since Jack left her, there was a constant worried look on his face. His brow was always furrowed. He looked younger when he slept, almost boyish. She traced his eyebrows. Her finger slid down his nose to his lips. She remembered how much pleasure his kisses brought her, although last night he didn’t give her anything that would lead to having sex but Paxton could see it in his eyes that part of him wanted to go down that road again. She now realized he was right last night. He knew exactly what she needed. The corner of her mouth rose giving a half smile at the thought. She ran her finger along his jawline. He had shaved recently as it was smooth. Her hand ran down his arm. She felt the strong muscles of them. She remembered how easily he picked her up and carried her around. Her hand landed on his chest and a smile broke out on his face.

“Enjoying yourself?” He opened his eyes. Paxton felt the heat rise in her cheeks, like she was caught stealing a cookie from the cookie jar.

“Maybe.” She pulled her hand back.

“I am.” He scooted a bit closer to her and nuzzled her cheek. “I think I like waking up like this. It’s been a long time since I last felt this happy.”

Paxton stilled at his comment. She made him happy. For a moment she thought about Ella. Ella would want her to be happy, she would want Duke to be happy but Paxton wasn’t sure who really had her heart right now. She had a lot of things to figure out. She was still upset about Jack and Kenleigh was in town with him. On top of that, she spent the night with Duke again. Her feelings for Duke were growing by the minute but she wasn’t sure if she should trust herself jumping into a relationship yet.

“Hey, what’s going on in that head of yours?”

She realized she hadn’t said anything yet. Paxton stared back at him. “Just thinking about Ella. I think she would want us both to be happy but I’m so confused right now.”

“Listen, I don’t expect you to say you love me, I don’t want to rush you. I just want to take care of you. You haven’t let anybody take care of you since Ella died.”

Paxton loved how Duke cared so much about her and that he wanted to help her. Before a couple months ago, she shut everyone out. When she was released, not one of her friends had called her. The only one who has really been there was Duke and to some degree Jonathan.

“I’m gonna go make breakfast.” Paxton felt the need to escape his gaze. She needed to clear her mind and thoughts.

“Why don’t I make you breakfast instead?”

“You don’t know where anything is.” Paxton smiled as she climbed out of bed.

She put on a little show for Duke as she slipped on a tank top and shorts to head downstairs. She found herself smiling on the way down the stairs. Duke never took her eyes off of her. On her way down she felt slightly guilty at how happy she was. She also felt guilty about last night. If she told him the dark secret she kept, would he have woken up in her bed this morning? She shook her head knowing that he would have stormed out. She then thought maybe it would be the best if Duke just assumed that it was her that was pregnant. He wouldn’t have to grieve for the baby he didn’t know about. He was in a good place right now. She didn’t want to pull the rug out from underneath him. It wasn’t fair for him.

She pushed her thoughts aside. She didn’t want to ruin the good mood she woke up in. She didn’t want to taint the memories of last night. She pulled out her waffle maker, banishing all thoughts of negativity. She deserved to be happy and if Duke made her happy she would run towards him.

She whipped up some waffle mix from scratch. She was pouring the last of the batter in waffle maker when two arms came around her. “Smells good.” Duke had showered and he smelled amazing. He gave her a gentle squeeze and released her.

“I called for a morning sub. I’m yours all morning,” he wiggled his eyebrows.

“Well, you will have me part of the morning. I have an appointment to see Dr. Keeler.”

“I see. How are things going? I mean you don’t have to get detailed with me but are you really doing okay?” She saw Duke furrow his brow. His concern for her happiness tugged at her.

“I have a few things that I still need to work through but she is helping me.” She made sure she was facing the waffle maker. “I’m so confused right now. With my feelings for Jack…my feelings for you. I was so angry yesterday when I found out Kenleigh was in town. She answered his phone and she sounded out of it like I woke her up. She answered his phone. Why? Why would she even have it?” She went off on a little rant. She heard the beep from the waffle maker announcing the waffle was done.

“Because they slept together,” Duke quietly said. Paxton froze. She wasn’t sure if she heard him right.

“What did you say?” She turned to face him this time. Duke’s face reddened. He probably didn’t realize he said it out loud and that she heard him.

“What?” He tried to play it off.

“They slept together?!”

Jack had always told her there was nothing between him and Kenleigh. Kenleigh followed him halfway across the country even though he was chasing another girl. How did Duke know?

“You’re positive they did? I mean he was here a week ago saying he was going to make things up to me. He told me how much he loved me.”

She saw Duke’s shoulders sag. He pulled out his phone and stared at it.

“He told you didn’t he?” Paxton went and snatched the phone.

She went to his messages even though she had no right to invade his privacy like that. There it was a message from Jack. She scrolled to the top and saw the picture. Duke didn’t move. Paxton felt faint. She put the phone back down on the island. She gripped the sides. The picture showed them in pure bliss. The line of text below reminded Paxton that in a moment of passion Duke was thinking about his dead wife but he caught himself saying her name. No it wasn’t a perfect night that night, but last night was. Things were different.

Paxton shook her head. She was trying to piece things together. Did Duke sleep with her again to get back at Jack or was he really truly happy with her and in love?