Broken (13 page)

“Gabby, we could live in the same town and there are the same possibilities of you getting hurt, heck, of me getting hurt. You’re just looking for excuses because you’re scared. I’m scared, too. This is definitely not my comfort zone. But, Gabby the moment I saw you I knew there was something special. I have spent the last several months trying to get your face out of my dreams. I’ve spent the last several months trying to be the person I had convinced myself that I was. None of that worked. The way I see it, I don’t have a choice but to try this. The alternative to me is far more painful,” he pleaded.

She closed her eyes and pondered his words.
The alternative to me is far more painful
. Was that true for her, too? She wasn’t sure. She needed more information, “You have said you were quite the playboy back in Atlanta. I told you at the reception that I am a virgin. That’s not going to change after a few dates. Is that something you can deal with? It shouldn’t be something you think that I’ll budge on if you swoon me and feed me with my eyes closed, you know, take me on enough romantic dates and she’ll eventually give in this time. Waiting until I get married is something very important to me.” She closed her eyes remembering her last conversation with her mother. Her mother knew that Gabby wouldn’t have anyone there for her as she went through those difficult years in high school. She would be far too emotionally hurt from her death to deal with the emotions that come with being sexually active. The last thing her mother wanted for Gabby was for her to get pregnant and ruin her bright future. Besides, being Southern Baptists, premarital sex was highly frowned upon. Gabby’s decisions to honor her mother’s wishes had not been easy and she knew if whatever this was with Bradley continued, it certainly would not get any easier. She was already having trouble resisting the urge and her thoughts were certainly all heading south with every moment she spent in his proximity.

“So, yeah, I knew you were a virgin. Waiting until you get married, huh?” His eyes got wide and one of his eyebrows arched in his surprise. “Yes, that’s exactly what I said. It’s not up for negotiation, either.” She was firm and short. “Wow.” He ran his fingers through his hair as he looked away from her for the first time and broke their touch. “See, I told you. This is not going to work. Can you just take me home?”

“No. I’m not letting you get off that easy this time. I should have gone after you last time. I am certainly not going to condone your running from me as soon as things get a little intense.”

“I’m not running. I’m being realistic.” She turned away from him buried her head in her hands. “Gabby, how many times do I have to tell you? I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t promise you I’m not going to screw up, that I’m not going to hurt you. I can tell you the sheer thought of hurting you hurts me. I want to try. I am trying. Will you please try with me?” He mirrored her position.

Gabby sobbed into her hands. She couldn’t hold back her emotions any longer. She was tired from the large meal they had eaten and her day on the beach. In fact, this day just felt like it was never going to end to her and for the last several hours she had prayed it wouldn’t. But, yet again, she had opened her mouth and ruined everything.

“Gabby, please,” he pleaded. “What’s your plan, Bradley? What is your plan to make this work? Tell me. I can’t tell you I’ll try until I know. I can’t go home tonight and wonder when you’ll call me again and wait and wait and wait. I can’t wonder everyday if it will be another three months before I get to see you. I’d rather have nothing than to have that.” Her frustration was audible in her tone.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what my plans will be. I mean, I am usually free on the weekends. During the week, I’ll be working. You’ll be in class. We could Skype, email and text during the week. Hmm, that could be fun,” he teased.

She nudged him and barely glancing over at him with her eyes narrowed, she couldn’t contain her amusement at his insinuation. Her smile quickly faded because she was trying to be serious and he was bringing up innuendos that took her mind to a place where thinking wasn’t welcome.

“Stop it. You’re getting way ahead of yourself. And the weekends?” she asked seriously, but with a warm interested smile.

“Well, we could take turns. You know, me come here one weekend, you go to Atlanta the next. Maybe meet halfway?” It was as if he was thinking out loud.

“That’s a lot of driving.”

“Yeah, I know. I don’t know, Gabby. Maybe you’re right. I just don’t think I can leave you tonight and think that this is over. I don’t think I can leave you tonight and even contemplate another man putting his hands on you.” He closed his eyes and his mouth formed a firm line as if he was trying to hold back anger. Gabby realized the thought of him with someone else was just as unsettling to her.

“If I agree to this, does that mean we’re exclusive,” she asked shyly.

“Yes, isn’t that what I just said to you?” He looked at her puzzled and almost annoyed.

“No, you said you couldn’t think of me with another man. You never mentioned what your intentions were. Obviously, you have needs that I’m not going to be able to meet. I need you to assure me that you won’t be with anyone else if we try this.”

“Hell, Gabby. No, I haven’t been able to be with anyone else since the last time we were right here in this very location. You have my word. What do I have to do to convince you that I wouldn’t be going through all this if I wasn’t serious?”

“It’s just in the past, the word of a man hasn’t meant much.” She looked back down at the planks of hardwood below her feet. She was nervously bending her knees, moving the swing back and forth. “I am sorry that has been your experience, but I would like a chance to show you that
my
word is good. Please,” he begged.

“So, just to be clear. If I say yes, I’ll try this crazy long-distance relationship with you that we’ll both be exclusive. No other men, no other women. Just us?” She was still unsure. Part of her wanted to hop up and run, to run fast. But, the other part of her was telling her Bradley Banks might just be the one. She owed it to herself to give it a chance. What if she spent the rest of her life waiting for a man she had turned away?

“Yes, Gabriella. You have my word. It will only be you. What do you say?” He was eager, like a boy who was about to get a toy in a toy store.

She looked at him and then she looked out to the water. She could barely think when she was with him and she certainly had trouble thinking when she was looking into his playful blue eyes thinking about how badly she wanted his lips back on hers. She shook her head disapprovingly and closed her eyes and pursed her lips together.

Chapter 19

August, 2008

“Gabs, John and I are going to a back-to-school party tomorrow, you wanna come,” asked Ian.

“Yep, sounds good. What time?”

“Seven.”

“Okay. What are you doing?”

“I’m about to head out to hang out with John and the guys. I gotta go, see you tomorrow?”

“Yes, love you,” Gabby quietly muttered.

“Yep, love you, too.”

“Bye, Ian.”

“See ya.”

Ian had been acting so strange the entire summer. Gabby couldn’t place her finger on what it was, but he seemed distant.

Gabby had thought Lindsey would call her back later that day in June when John had broken up with her to go on their shopping trip, but she didn’t. She had actually never called her back after that. Gabby had tried and tried to talk to Lindsey but no matter what she did, Lindsey refused to see her or speak with her. Gabby had spent the entire summer wondering what she had done to upset Lindsey so badly. She was hurt. She could barely eat, sleep or think of anything but her friend. Gabby had tried to talk to John to see if he knew what Gabby had done to make Lindsey so upset, but Lindsey had also refused to talk to him, as well. After several weeks had gone by, Gabby decided to spend the rest of the summer hanging out with Ian and John. She also spent as much time with Sam as she could, but Sam had taken summer classes again to help get her timing back on track for med school.

Gabby had attended several small parties with their close friends during the summer, but Lindsey was never there. It was as if she knew which parties Gabby would attend and avoided them like she did everything else. She just couldn’t understand. Gabby cringed at the thought of being in the same building with Lindsey but not being able to talk to her. She missed her friend. She secretly prayed that Lindsey would come back around and one day give her another chance, or at least tell her what she had done so she would have closure with the relationship. The more Gabby thought about it, it was as if she was in mourning over the loss of their friendship. She felt robbed of the opportunity to try to fix whatever it was she had done in the first place to make Lindsey stop talking to her. She knew that whatever it was must have been really bad because in all the years she had known Lindsey, they had never really had a fight, much less stopped talking to each other. The thought really gnawed at Gabby because she couldn’t even apologize to Lindsey. She wouldn’t know what she was even apologizing for.

The horn honked and Gabby jumped up and grabbed her purse, cell phone and keys as she ran to the door. She grinned as she ran down the sidewalk to Ian’s car.

“Hey you,” she cheerfully greeted him. “Hey, yourself,” he smiled back at her. “Are you okay?” Gabby was concerned with his shortness. “Yes, why wouldn’t I be?”

“You just have been different lately.”

“No, I haven’t. Maybe it’s you who’s different.”

Gabby couldn’t help but feel hurt by his tone and the insinuation that she was the one who had changed. She sat in the seat feeling like a child and reflecting on her own behavior.
Had she been the one to change? Was that what was wrong with Lindsey?
No, she was the same as she had always been. Maybe they were all just growing apart.

“Ian?”

“What?”

“If we weren’t okay, would you tell me,” she glanced over at him as she twirled her fingers together in her lap.

“Yeah, I guess. I mean, what’s wrong with you today. Why are you asking me about all of this? Are you trying to tell me something?” He never looked at her and his expression was impassive.

“No! I’m not trying to tell you something. I’m trying to find out why you’ve been so cold. You used to be so affectionate with me. We hardly do anything anymore. You’re short and confrontational about everything. I just don’t understand. Have I done something wrong? Is it because I won’t have sex with you?”

“Gabby, please. Are we seriously about to have this conversation again? How many times do we have to rehash this,” he was irritated.

“You didn’t answer me, Ian,” she said quietly. “Gabby, we’ve had this conversation before. My answer hasn’t changed. I wish you’d just leave it alone already. I told you I wanted to be with you. We’re fine. Now, can we just enjoy the night?”

“Yes, I’m sorry.” She put her head down upset that she had already managed to ruin the night.

When they arrived to the party, everyone was already there. They made their casual slightly late appearance and all of Ian’s friends whisked him away. “Hey Gabs, make yourself at home. I’ll be right back,” he walked away letting go of her hand.

This was not quite the way she had pictured the party going, but she understood he had not seen his friends much during the summer. But, then again, he had not seen her much during the summer, either. She couldn’t help but feel like she was at the very bottom of his priority list. She felt their connection slipping through her fingertips and there was nothing she seemed to be able to do to make it stop. She got herself a diet coke and plopped down on the couch and smiled as she watched teenagers doing silly dances making fools out of themselves. She vowed to dismiss her thoughts for the night and just enjoy the party and the beginning of what would be her last year of high school.