Broken (41 page)

I don't call the cops anymore now. It doesn't do no good and makes me feel worse. One time, the cop knew him and says ‘hey mate, how's it hanging?' And he's going to listen to my side? Anyway, if he's round giving me a hard time, he's gone before they get there. And they go ‘oh, you again. What now? ‘We've been apart seven years and it never ends. Always looking over my shoulder, always wondering if the kids are going to be brought back, always wondering if I'm going to be killed. One time, we were in a car park and he just goes nuts. Left me almost unconscious by the car. And the kids saw all this! They are so damaged. He uses them to get at me and says it's all my fault because I left. I'm the bitch. And they repeat the stuff he says when they're angry with me. He takes me back to court again and again, and makes up all this stuff. Once he even accused me of sexually abusing our daughter. One time he rang up my boss, where I worked, and told him all these lies. I was let go a few weeks later. God, I've had early menopause, my mother had it at 58 and I had it at 35. I know it's because of all this shit. I get headaches all the time, I'm on depression medicine, I cry a lot, I abuse alcohol when things get bad. But it never stops. Sometimes I think I would have been better off if I'd stayed. Because I don't think it'll ever stop. Not until I'm dead.

Mattie put it down and stared at her lap, where the sheet of paper balanced on one knee and then slowly slid off and wafted down to the floor. She wondered when the story had been written and what had happened to the woman since. And she wondered where Jake had found this story and then realised it didn't much matter. Because the implications were clear. This would be her future if she didn't come to her senses and return.
All my fault because I left
.

But what Mattie couldn't get her head around was how quickly everything had deteriorated. It was less than three weeks ago that she'd held hands with him as they visited his family, and he'd squeezed her fingers
to let her know he appreciated her feelings. Anybody watching them would have thought they were just any other normal couple. A normal
loving
couple. And even though she'd known deep down that her marriage wasn't really salvageable, and that Jake wouldn't change, she'd been able to fool herself into occasionally being happy And from that she had been thrown into hell, where everything kept happening so quickly she barely had time to react before she was hit with something else. An ongoing nightmare that showed no signs of abating.

And now this message, hand-delivered to her door, telling her a parable with a definitive moral. A threat. The game would never stop, and he would never call it quits. They would always be linked through the children and he would always be there. Watching, waiting and winning.

 

A
nd of all the emotional bruisings she took during their marriage, none were as bad as the time she lost their third child. It had not been a planned pregnancy, not like with both Max and Courtney, and she barely had time to get used to the idea before it was gone. But it still hurt. And what hurt almost as badly was that with the loss came her final acceptance of her husband's deep self-absorption
.

Mattie had been experiencing stomach-cramps all day and by the evening had become truly concerned. As she'd suspected for several weeks that she was pregnant, she thought it was maybe an impending miscarriage. By nine o'clock the pains were fierce, emanating out from her back and clenching around her belly like a metal vice. But it was during one of their ‘down' times, when the cycle was entering its final phase, and she could not convince Jake of the magnitude of her pain. Eventually she broke down and pleaded with him to help her, but he still insisted she was exaggerating. So she hobbled to the door, determined to reach a hospital emergency room herself. And he watched her go
.

She told herself they had no choice anyway, someone had to stay home with the children, and that when she didn't return immediately he would realise how serious she had been. But to make matters worse, her car was low on petrol and she had to fill it up during her journey. Staggering up to the cashier with her face pale and hands clasped across her belly, he must have thought she was drunk or mad. Or both. She finally made it to the hospital just after ten and, seeing her stumble from the car, an orderly brought out a wheelchair. She was rushed straight into the emergency department and the diagnosis was equally rapid. Ectopic pregnancy, in which the egg lodges in the tube and threatens implosion. Immediate surgery
.

And while being injected with a blissful mix of pethidine and morphine, Mattie begged the nurses to let her ring home before she was taken to the operating theatre, because her husband would be so worried about her. And as the drugs took the edge off the pain, she clutched the phone to her ear and listened to it ring and ring and ring. Finally he answered, yawning heavily. He'd been asleep
.

T
hursday was a day of phone-calls, which was just as well, otherwise Mattie might have crawled back into bed after dropping the children off and simply stayed there. She'd experienced another shocking night's sleep, waking up every hour or so convinced that Jake was in the house, and then having to get up and check. Walking quietly through the unit with her heart pounding, half expecting him to materialise at every turn. And even after she'd convinced herself no-one was there, Mattie would feel compelled to inspect every window once more and go through her nightly ritual with the children, kissing them on both cheeks, forehead and chin. Then she would fall back into bed only to wake, again, an hour or so later.

By the morning, Mattie was exhausted, physically as well as emotionally. And things didn't improve. Max, his face pale and eyes averted, started crying again as she parked the car at the school, sitting in the back seat and sobbing miserably while pleading to be allowed to stay home. Then, embarrassed by his own behaviour, using his own tears as an inducement: ‘What will the other kids say?' But Mattie had no choice. If it had just been for the day, she would have been tempted but she knew it wasn't school Max was trying to avoid, it was his father. And she tried to explain how much worse things would become if it seemed like she was encouraging him in this avoidance. Not just for her, but for Max also.

So instead she used a handkerchief to clean his face and slipped him
a dollar to buy himself something at the canteen. And then drove home with guilt and misery rasping against her throat and making it difficult to breathe without pain. When she engaged the deadbolts, it was with the uncomfortable feeling that she was only protecting herself. However, tiredness numbed the guilt and made it so difficult to reason that she decided to go back to bed and seek temporary oblivion. But the first phone-call came through then, so instead of bed, Mattie walked tiredly into the kitchen to answer it.

‘Hello?'

‘Mattie! It's Hannah. How are you?'

‘Oh Hannah.' Mattie took a deep breath so that she wouldn't start crying.

‘What is it?'

‘Just – everything. I'm sorry, I know I sound all whiny, but god, Hannah, this is just so damn hard.'

‘Well, no-one said it was going to be easy,' replied Hannah briskly. ‘Now, tell me, has something else happened?'

‘He was at the school yesterday, but only chatted with Courtney. Didn't come near me. Then he came around last night.'

‘Are you okay?' Hannah's voice went brittle with concern.

‘He didn't get in if that's what you mean.'

‘Good. But what did he say?'

‘Just that he was never going to give up. That this . . . harassment would continue forever if I didn't come to my senses and go home.'

‘You're not thinking of going back, are you?' asked Hannah, clearly horrified.

‘No, I'm not. But, you know, I think life was actually easier when I was there?'

‘Mattie!' screamed Hannah.

Mattie flinched and held the phone away for a second. ‘God, Hannah. Do you mind?'

‘Don't you
dare
give in to that bastard! Don't you dare!'

‘I
said
I wasn't going to,' replied Mattie, too tired to be cross. ‘I was just trying to explain how I . . . never mind.'

‘Don't even think about it.'

‘Hannah, be reasonable. I'm trying my best – it's just hard, that's all. Do you know I had to drag Max to school crying all the way? He begged me to let him stay home with me. He actually
begged
me. Do you have any idea how that felt?'

‘No,' said Hannah quietly. ‘Jesus.'

‘Yes. And the truth is that it probably
would
be better for the kids if I went back.'

‘Not in the long run.'

‘Yes, even in the long run. That is, if Jake is serious about never giving up. Hannah, this could be my life for the next ten years. Do you understand that?'

‘Yes.'

‘And look, I appreciate everything you're doing for me, I really do, but are you going to be able to keep this level of support up for
ten years
?'

‘Definitely,' replied Hannah quickly. ‘For however long it takes.'

‘That's easy to say'. Mattie sighed quietly and then fell silent for a few moments. ‘You remember that magpie?'

‘How could I forget.' Hannah's distaste was evident in her voice.

‘Well, he didn't kill it after all. He found it like that.' Mattie didn't know why she was bringing this up, except that it felt important to let Hannah know.

‘
That
makes it okay then?'

‘I didn't mean that. I just . . . doesn't matter.'

‘Do you want me to come around?'

‘No. Really. I had a shocking sleep last night so I'm going to crawl back into bed in a minute. Then tomorrow I think I might go back down to Dandenong and see if I can get the interim orders moved up a bit.'

‘That's a great idea,' said Hannah enthusiastically, pleased to grasp something positive. ‘Then you'll get it done well before Christmas.'

‘Christmas?'

‘Yeah, Christmas,' Hannah laughed. ‘Don't tell me you haven't noticed Christmas is creeping up on us again?'

‘I just . . . well, forgot for a minute, that's all. So anyway, don't worry about me, I'll be fine for the weekend. Jake won't come around while he's got the kids.'

‘I told Stuart,' said Hannah softly. ‘He was absolutely shocked. Horrified. And he's going around there tonight to try and talk with Jake.'

‘I don't think that's a good –'

‘Look, Mattie, you said yourself we need to be more proactive. And I know they've never been best friends or anything, but they
have
always got on. It's worth a shot.'

‘I suppose,' said Mattie doubtfully.

‘Listen, has Liz rung?'

‘No. You asked me that last week. Why the sudden interest?'

‘I just thought it'd be nice for you, that's all. Anyway, how about I pop around on Monday?'

‘That'd be nice. Thanks.'

‘Don't mention it.'

Mattie hung up the phone and went over to the calendar hanging by the fridge. And Hannah was right, it was December already and Christmas was only three weeks away. How had she not noticed the decorations? The increase in catalogues? The shopping frenzy? The bloody festive spirit? And she had no money, no gifts, and no desire to buy any. Which was fine because she probably wouldn't have the children anyway.

As she let the calendar flop against the wall, the phone rang again. Thinking it was Hannah having forgotten something, Mattie answered it quickly.

‘Hello? Hannah?'

‘No. Sorry to disappoint you.'

‘Jake.'

‘The one and only.'

‘What do you want?' Mattie was surprised to find herself speaking evenly.

‘Just wanted to see how you liked my little present last night.'

‘Better than I liked the one the night before.'

‘Well, that's understandable,' Jake chuckled. ‘I admit that that one was probably a bit extreme. But it was worth it to see you sleeping. You always look so cute sleeping.'

Mattie was silent. There was really nothing to reply to that, although her stomach lurched at the confirmation.

'I do love you. You know that, don't you?'

‘You've got a funny way of showing it,' said Mattie bitterly. ‘Taking the money, taking my children, sneaking in here and leaving dead birds on the table for your
daughter
to find. And you reported me to Centrelink, didn't you?'

‘It was my civic duty' replied Jake righteously. ‘You're not supposed to have men virtually living with you while you're sponging off the taxpayers.'

‘You're
not
living with me. Virtually or otherwise.'

‘But I
should
be. You're my wife. Remember?'

‘How could I forget?'

‘And all this can stop in an instant. All you have to do is say the word.'

‘What word is that?' asked Mattie, already knowing the answer.

‘That you'll shift back home. Where you belong. And everything can go back to normal.'

‘That's what I'm afraid of,' said Mattie quietly, winding the cord around her finger.

‘It was better than what you've got now though, wasn't it? Come on, be honest.'

‘But you're the one who's
making
it so bad!'

‘No,
you
are. I'm just doing what has to be done. And I won't stop either. Not till you come to your senses. Because I'm not just doing this for me, I'm doing it for the kids
and
I'm doing it for you. I love you, Mattie, and throwing that away just isn't an option. You're my wife, you
belong
with me.'

‘But what if I don't
want
to be there?' wailed Mattie desperately.