Broken (8 page)

             
She smiles at me warmly, “Go lie down. You’ve had a rough day. I will get the dishes.”

             
I head back to my room and lie down on my bed. Although, I understand the advice my mother has given me, I still grieve. It’s something I need to do to get stronger. So, I grab my ear buds to my IPod and start to listen to every song that reminds me of Levi.

***

             
It has to be the middle of the night when I wake up to the sound of tapping at my window. As I wake from my slumber, the tapping becomes more consistent. As I stir from my sleep, I make my way to the window. I inspect the glass, not finding anything unusual. Then, I see him. It’s Levi. All of the sudden, my heart constricts and I feel like I can’t breathe.

             
I open my window out of curiosity. Like a moth to a flame, he comes to me. My first thought is, I really want to kiss him. Then, I smack the shit out of my stupidity and turn my bitch mode switch on. “What do you want?”

             
I inspect Levi from head to toe. This is the first time ever that I have seen him look so disheveled. There is a red rim around the corners of his eyelids. “Lena, I’m so sorry. I know you must hate me right now, but I didn’t have a choice.”

             
Never in my life have I believed that people run out of choices. People are just scared to choose. “You had plenty of choices to choose from. You chose wrong. My heart is pure. At least it was innocent until you took that from me a few days ago. Let me explain exactly what you took from me so you can fully grasp how I feel right now. Are you willing to listen?”

             
He nods, “I will do whatever I have to do to get you to forgive me, Lena.”

             
I snort knowing I am worth so much more than his bullshit. “The people you call friends have tortured me for years. In their ignorance and malice I find strength. They push me to follow my dreams and see the world differently than they do. The world is a beautiful place. It’s the people that are ugly. My pictures show the world how I see it. I saved my body for someone who would take care of it and see it as symbol of beauty that I protect in my mind. You chose to disgrace me to gain recognition from a bunch of degenerates,” Surprisingly, I remain eerily calm as I speak. “Not only did you physically rip me open and make me bleed, you punched my chest and ripped out my heart.”

             
The calmness wears off and my tears return. Levi can barely look at me. I’m somewhat thankful that he is not paying much attention to me crying. “I don’t expect you to understand why I did what I did. I…am…in love with you. I did it to protect you. If you think those bastards tormented you before, nothing would hold them back after they found out about us. Brad would have taken it as an invitation to do whatever he wanted to you. Believe me, I’ve heard and seen him do it. And…Amanda? Fuck…Hell would have been a better place for you than that damn school. I made them believe I’ve paid you because at least you could play it off like you always had. We would have been done with that fucking dump of a school in three weeks and then we could have been together.”

             
As much as I want to understand the madness he presents, I can’t. Nothing can erase the throbbing pain I have felt when he threw the money at me. There are pieces of my heart scattered everywhere. I need to find the fragments and glue them back together. I can’t do that with Levi. Hell, I might never ever find all of the pieces again with anyone. And, maybe it’s better that way.

             
As I say the words, the remaining shards of my heart that are still attached to my chest, begin to sting. I choke back the vomit in the back of my throat. I repeat every hurtful word that has ever been said to me in my head. And, I grieve for the guy I thought would be the one to change it all. “Levi, I never want to see you again. Don’t call me. Don’t text me. Don’t look for me at school. Erase me from your mind. And, if you don’t, I will make sure to have a little visit with your mom. It’s about time she knows where her husband spends his time.”

             
“You wouldn’t.” He dares me.

             
“You’d be surprised how cruel humans can be. Now, leave.”

             
I watch him walk to his car. Every now and then, I see him glance back at me as if he expects me to stop him. I don’t. That is the last time I saw Levi Porter. That is the last time I allowed my heart to be shredded apart.

***

ERIC-Present Day

I’m fucking cranky because I told Josh that I would help him out with his girl’s friend tonight. Meanwhile, Missy or Misty, whatever the fuck her name is, is grinding herself against me every chance she gets. I could take her to the back of the stage right now, if I wanted to, and violate her twenty-five different ways. Who am I kidding? I want to but I made a promise to my boy. On cue, I see Bree from across the room. There goes my chance with ‘Little Miss Let Me Grind My Ass Into You’.

             
“Baby, I have to go. The band is coming on soon and I need to talk to the press.” I’m half telling the truth.

             
Grinder turns around and I get a good look at that face. Man, I wish she never turned around. She takes her fake, painted claws and snakes them down my chest. “Find me later?”

             
I give her my ‘panty -dropping grin’, “I’ll do what I can to find you.” There is no way in hell I’m going to forget that face. No matter how hard I try. But, one thing is for sure, there’s no chance I will be looking to find it later.

             
The bar is filling up nicely. I know that will calm Josh down a bit. He always gets his panties in a bunch when he debuts a new band. It’s a good turn out if I have to dodge people to get to Bree. Josh wanted me to keep an eye on her until he was done giving our band, The Nora’s, a pep talk.

             
Part of me knows that Josh wants me to be a guard dog for Bree. She’s a cute chick. And, tonight she’s pulled out all of the guns by sporting fishnet stockings which is a ‘Come Get Me’ sign for the dudes up in this joint.

Once, I reach Bree, I
kiss her on the cheek like a brother would kiss his sister. “Hey, doll face. You look beautiful. Nice fishnets.”

             
“Hey, Eric,” she blushes. Then, I notice her photographer friend. For some ungodly reason, I can’t stop staring at her. All I can think of is an excerpt from a poem about Snow White by Jon Gutmacher:

‘
Her body tight


Her
skin so pure


Her
eyes so blue



Like deep azure



And hair so black
like heart not seen



A face so fair
quite like
a dream’

             
“Who’s your friend?” I ask.

             
“Eric, this is Lena. She’s my co-worker. The kind of worker I need to spend a lot of time with,” she warns. “Lena. This is Josh’s best friend and business partner.”

             
Lena falls forward to grasp my hand. I give her a lopsided grin. “Hey,” It’s all I can get out.

             
“Hey,” Lena reddens.

             
“Have you seen Josh?” Bree interrupts.

             
“He’s backstage giving the girls hell before they go on,” I try to look away from Lena but I am pulled right back to her face. I’m completely sucked in.

             
I hear Bree shouting over random guitar strings being plucked from the stage area. “When you see him, let him know I will catch up with him after the show.”

             
I pinch Bree’s cheek. “Doll face, his Bree senses are tingling. He will find you before the show ends. Trust me. There is no holding Josh back when it comes to you. I gotta get going. When you are off the clock, don’t make plans on going home. Y’all are hangin’ with us tonight.”

             
Still mesmerized by Lena’s face, I stumble to find Josh to let him know that his muse has arrived. I don’t know why I can’t shake her face from my mind. But, I’m grateful because she made me completely forget about the happy grinder. I’m so lost in thought that I bump in to Josh.

             
“What the fuck?” Josh is startled.

             
I get the urge to smack myself out of the Lena fog I’m in. She’s fucking with my motor skills. I think I actually forgot to walk. “Sorry, man. Your girl is here. What’s the plan again?” Josh inspects me by looking into my eyes. I know what he’s looking for. He thinks I’m high. I give him a bug stare so he can see that my pupils are normal. “I’m not fucking high. Do you wanna sniff me too? Wanna pat me down for eye drops? Papers?”

             
“You look dazed and confused, dude. Just checking.”

             
“I’m good, man. I haven’t smoked up in a long while. Are you going to tell me what I’m doing with this chick or what?” I know what I’d like to do with her but I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to keep my hands to myself.

             
Josh wants me to get her up close to the stage so she can take pictures of the band. It shouldn’t be too hard. I might be hard but helping her get pictures shouldn’t be an issue. Josh and I walk over to the table and I watch Josh sexually assault Bree in front of everyone. I’m not going to lie; it’s fun to watch. Looking at Lena, it seems like she doesn’t mind watching either.

             
All good things must come to an end and we have a concert to put on. Lena coughs and we are brought back to our surroundings against our will. She extends her hand for Josh to take. “Sorry to interrupt. I’m Lena. You must be Josh.”

             
Josh squeezes Bree’s shoulders and then extends his hand to Lena’s. He snickers to himself. “Sorry ‘bout that. I forget where I am sometimes when I’m with her.” He does. Every time he’s around that girl it’s like he can only see her. I had that once. Damn, I miss that feeling.

             
Lena laughs. “I can see that. The show is about to start. Should we get a little closer, Bree?”

             
Josh interrupts, “I actually have all of this planned out. Lena, since you take the pictures, Eric is going to get you right up front so you can move unrestricted. He’ll make sure you have the angles you need. As for you, Bree…well…I’ve got plans for you. Follow me.”

             
Lena’s eyes draw me in and I’m putty again. I’d love to have plans for her. But, right now we have to work.

             
As the band begins to rock it out, Lena works her magic with her camera. Watching her is like watching a wild animal in its natural habitat. Gracefully, she maneuvers between spots and positions that capture the true moment of great music. I hardly watch The Nora’s because I can’t keep my eyes off of her. Every so often, I see her give me a side smirk, like she knows that I’m checking her out.

             
Eventually, Josh and Bree return from behind the stage. Josh appears completely satisfied with himself. And, Bree looks like she just got her musical, cherry popped. They were gone for quite some time and I just can’t let that go. “You were gone so long I was about to put your face on a milk carton, Josh.”

             
Josh smirks, “I was helping Bree get the info she need for her article.”

             
“Yeah, I bet you were.” I chuckle. Lena laughs along and whispers something in to Bree’s ear. I see Bree playfully smack Lena like she is scolding her for saying something naughty. I’d love to know what she really said. But for now, I let my imagination take over.

             
The Nora’s finish their last set and the next band is getting ready to set up. As far as I know, Lena and Bree only had to cover The Nora’s. If this were an ordinary night, Josh and I would hang out until the next band finished, throwing back some beers. For some reason, tonight, I just want to get Bree and Lena the fuck out of here.

***

              We get back to my place and I already know Josh and Bree are going to disappear again. I could see them eye fucking each other in the car. Before, Josh throws Bree into his room, he makes sure one last time that I got his back with Lena.
“Make sure Lena gets home okay?”

I grin at him knowing what he’s thinking. “Sure, man,” I respond.

“Lena? You good?” Bree asks Lena. Lena playfully winks at Bree, so I know she is down with staying with me.

Two minutes later I hear Bree and Josh moaning and grunting their way to his room. Once I hear the door slam, I know for sure Lena and I are alone. “You want a drink?” I ask.

Lena is casually walking around my place studying every poster and random hanging on the wall. “Yeah, what do you have?”

“Pretty much everything. Josh and I keep the place well stocked because of Saturday nights.” I say.

She stops in front of a poster with a picture of weed on it. It says something like ‘Teaching Americans How to Use the Metric System’. “I’ll take whatever you’re having. You smoke?”

It’s an uncomfortable question for me to answer. Yeah, I smoke. But, I can’t smoke anymore. I like it too much. I’m too relaxed when I do it and it stifles my creativity and motivation. I’m a binge smoker which means I could do it for days at a time and that’s about all I do.

I hand Lena her beer and plop down on the couch. “Used to. Why? Do you?”

She laughs to herself like she told a joke only she would get. “
Occasionally. Haven’t in a long time, though.”

Lena drops next to me on the couch almost a little too close. I’m not oblivious to this move but it bothers me that she is so close. If I’m being honest, if this was a random chick I would have tossed the beer and had her on her back by now. Inconspicuously, I inch away from her. I feel bad because she looks confused…like this should be easy for her. “You want to watch T.V. or something?” Lame, that’s what I am. Next, I will be asking her if she wants to play Scrabble.

“No, Eric. I don’t want to watch T.V.,” she is creeping towards me. “I don’t think you want to watch T.V. either.”

Fuc
k no. I don’t want to watch T.V. I want to watch her take her clothes off. Nevertheless, I’m not going to touch her. Bree wants Lena around her. I don’t want to create an awkward situation for Bree. Besides, if I pull a stunt like that, Josh would rip my dick off.

Scooting away again, I explain myself. “Lena, you are fucking beautiful. But, I can’t touch you. Bree seems to like you and it looks like she is going to be around a lot now. I only hook up with girls one time. So, if I touch you tonight, there won’t be a next time.”

There’s that smirk again. The corners of her lips edge up and her nose crinkles making her cute, little nose stud stand out. “What makes you think I want a next time, Eric?”

“All girls want a next time.” I’m over confident.

She’s laughing hysterically. “Eh. Not all girls.”

That’s a joke. I have never met one girl that didn’t want a round two. “So, you’re saying, if I sleep with you tonight, you will be totally fine with hanging around me the next day knowing I won’t want you again?”

There’s that laugh again. “I know I won’t want you again.”

My head is spinning. It’s like she is using reverse psychology on me to get her way. I’m not falling for it.
“What kind of game are you playing?”

She takes a swig of her beer almost like a guy would. Now, I’m a little scared. “Oh, I get it Eric. You think thi
s is a game of Player vs. Slut? How I see it is that you are validating one of the most pathetic double standards in history. For girls that don’t fuck on the first date, they get the honor of you taking them out to dinner a few times before you realize that you don’t really want to have a relationship with them. So, you plan a really special night for the poor, unsuspecting, love-struck girl. You take her home to fuck the hell out of her. Then, over the next few days, you pull away until she gets pissed. You have a fight with her and…BAM…you break up,” she sounds so sure of herself. “I’m just eliminating all of the sappy bullshit. I can buy my own dinner, I don’t need you to do it.”

Wow. Mind blown. But, I still think she is fucking with me. Either that or she is fucked up in the head. Still, I’m not touching her. Something in me is telling me that this isn’t the kind of girl you hit it and quit
it. So, I won’t. “Point taken. I have never taken any girl out just to bang her. I don’t need to. Most of the girls I mess with know the drill. Sure, I can make you one of those girls. But, I’m not fucking you tonight.”

Funny, she doesn’t pout or try to convince me to take her to bed like the other girls do. I hate to admit it, but it hurts my ego a bit. “Your loss,” she mutters.

Her blasé attitude is irritating the shit out of me. That’s a new feeling. I chalk it up to being tired. It’s late and I want to go to bed. But, I don’t want Lena to leave either. “You tired?”

She shakes her head, “Yeah. It’s been a long day.”

I pull her up from the couch so she is face to face with me, “Let’s go to bed.” Our faces are so close that if one of us moves our lips we will bump into each other. I can hear her breathing. Her breath is becoming slow and labored. Her eyes move to mine. I want to look away so damn bad but I can’t. I just can’t.

We’re frozen for a few seconds and it’s a moment I can’t forget. When I look at her, I don’t see a piece of ass.
And, I know I don’t want her to leave. My eyes don’t leave hers. Then, she breaks the connection and I’m lost, “So, where’s your bed?”