Broken (6 page)

             
I don’t have to. But, I can tell he wants me to. “Let me. Please.”

             
He shakes his head agreeing to my request. His hand takes mine and we place them on his hardness. He guides my hand back and forth in a consistent motion. I feel his breath on my neck giving away in short puffs. He begins to move in my hand taking his hand away. The movement becomes quicker and quicker until I feel a few strong, jerkier movements. He curses in my ear and I feel a warm liquid in my hand.

             
I’m not sure I like what just happened. Sure, pleasing Levi makes me happy, but I don’t know if I even did it right. “Did you like it, Levi?”

             
A husky chuckle escapes from his lips. “Yeah, Lena. I liked it. Did you like it?”

             
I answer honestly, “I’m not sure.”

             
Smiling at me, he leans down and kisses my forehead. “It gets better when you feel more comfortable.”

             
“I didn’t mean that I didn’t like doing that for you. I guess I’m not sure if I did it right?”

             
He’s laughing at my expense now, “Lena, there’s proof in the water that you did it right.”

             
I recoil from his body feeling wary. “I have never done anything like this. It’s all new to me, Levi.”

             
Levi pulls me back into his embrace. “Hey, I am sorry. I just assumed that you could tell I was enjoying myself.”

             
I lay my head against his chest. I want to stay there to just listen to his heartbeat. It’s a calming and comfortable place to be. As his chest rises up and down, I stay in his embrace. He kisses my head every once in a while letting me know that he is cool with just holding me. “Be gentle with me, please? No one ever has. I know it is a lot to ask.”

             
“I thought I was gentle. Did I hurt you? I’m sorry Lena, I just wanted to make you feel good.” He apologizes in a panic.

             
“No, Levi. Not physically. With my heart.” I whisper.

             
He lifts my chin so I can look at him. “Such a sweet, broken, girl.” His lips are on mine again. We wade in the water holding and kissing each other until the skin on our bodies becomes wrinkled and soft.

***

The recap
in my head of the night Levi took me to his private, little lake replay over and over in my head. I get goose bumps just thinking about it. It was the most perfect night I have ever experienced in my eighteen years.

             
I’m bummed out because I haven’t seen Levi in almost a week. It’s been busy at school. Getting year-end projects done and preparing for graduation consume everyone. If that wasn’t enough pressure, prom is coming up in three weeks. I have no intention of going. It’s not like anyone has asked me to go anyway.

             
Although, Levi and I have been hooking up, I don’t even mention it. I just assume he feels the same way I do. It’s a stupid dance. But, since I am in the Art Club, I am on the decoration committee for the prom. Therefore, I am subjected to the planning of nonsense, spiked punch and bad dresses.

             
I get a text from Levi during fourth period. ‘Hey, can we meet after school?’

             
Trying not to get caught, I put my phone under my desk and text back, ‘Wish I could. On prom decorating committee. Shoot me no
w
’

             
‘Ditch it? For me? I feel like a swim.’

             
How could I possibly say no to a swim?

***

             
When we arrive at his house, it’s clear his parents are not home. I don’t know why this bothers me. It’s not like they paid much attention to what we were doing the last time I was here. I guess, the security that they could come upon us at any time made me feel better.

             
I like Levi. Hell, I’m so very attracted to him…all of him…not just his body. He’s a cool guy. What is keeping me at bay is his experience and my lack of it. I pride myself on keeping my virginity in place for so long. I know many girls, including Kaite, have lost it years before me. Watching my mom using her body as a cash register has taught me that what I have is special. I don’t want to give it to just anyone.

             
My first time should be with someone I love and trust. Like I said, I like Levi. I don’t know if I love him. So far, he has been understanding and patient. I wonder how long that will last.

             
“Penny for your thoughts?” he says.

             
My mind is still wandering as I stand in his foyer. “Huh?”

             
As he comes up behind me, he wraps his arms around my waist and hums in my ear. “Where are you right now?”

             
I arch my head back and raise my arm above me to touch his face. “Sorry, I have a tendency to zone out.”

             
“Wanna swim?” he asks.

             
“I didn’t bring a suit again. We left right from school, silly.” I know where he is going with this.

             
“We didn’t need suits last time.”

             
Again, I’m starting to feel uneasy. “Levi, I had so much fun the other night. I’m good with hooking up. I don’t want it to become a habit.”

             
“Lena. Are you still thinking I just want to get it in? Cuz’ if you are, you’re wrong. It’s just a swim. We don’t have to even touch each other. Deal?”

             
I start to push him out the door so we can begin our walk to the lake. “No touching.”

***

The water f
eels so nice against my naked skim. So far, Levi has kept his word. We’re naked but he hasn’t touched me. It’s been a nice, relaxing afternoon. We barely speak while we are wading through the water.

             
“Are you disappointed you missed the prom meeting?” he asks.

             
“Not at all. I’d rather get root canal done than have to go to that meeting.”

             
“Are you going to get in trouble for not going?” Levi is concerned. I can tell he thinks he’s a bad influence on me.

             
“Probably not, but if I do, I am asking to get kicked off of the committee.” I joke.

             
Levi laughs, “You really hate prom that much?”

             
I have never been to prom so I don’t know if I like or not. I don’t like what it represents. For my classmates, it’s an excuse to get wasted and screw anyone who is willing. “It’s just not my thing.” Levi doesn’t mention prom again. I still wonder if he is going. Last year, he went to prom with a group of friends. I’m sure he will do the same this year.

             
He swims next to me and scoops me in to his arms. I let him. So far he’s behaving himself. “Holding you feels so good. I feel like I can breathe. I can be myself.”

             
“If you are not yourself with other people, then who are you?” His statement makes me wonder.

             
“Depends on who I’m with at the time, I guess. When I’m with my parents, I’m the perfect, obedient son. When I’m with my friends, I am the guy who has the raging parties. When I’m with teachers and coaches, I’m the kid that excels at everything.” He looks at me for a slight second to gauge my reaction. “Sometimes, I feel like I don’t know who the fuck I am. One thing is for sure, I know I’m at ease when I’m with you.”

             
He’s just as lost as I am. We’re just two kids from different side of the tracks with hang-ups about what people expect from us. “We can be that for each other, Levi. We can be…like…personal Xanax for each other. When this world gives us too much to handle we can lean on each other so the ‘crazy’ doesn’t take over.”

             
He kisses my forehead and continues to sway my body back and forth in the water. “You are going to leave me soon, Lena. Then, what I am I going to do?”

             
I think about this. He’s going away to school soon. I, actually, leave for school two weeks after graduation. This is way before he leaves. “You will find a way to be you, Levi. I know this. I have known this since I was nine years old. You have always had this special light around you.”

             
He looks surprised. “Lena, how long have you liked me?”

             
I wiggle out of his arms. The question makes me uncomfortable. The last thing I want to do is make him think I’m a stalker.  But, the truth does set you free. I rather get it out now then to hold it inside forever. “A long time.”

             
Shaking his head, he cups water in his hands and splashes onto his face. “This sucks. I have always liked you. You have always like me. But, we have barely spoken to each other over the years. I feel like we wasted time.”

             
I interrupt him. “Some people believe that the universe sends signs to guide us through life. I think we just ignored the signs. So, the universe decided to throw us together. Think about it, Levi. You excel in everything except Photography. Photography is easy for me. The universe got tired of waiting for us to get it.”

             
I see the smile under his lips. He’s amused or he thinks I’m crazy. “I like your theory. The question is…what do we do about the short time we have together?”

             
“How about we just enjoy it? Let’s not think much. Let’s just do.” I offer.

             
“Then, come here.” He pulls me in to his chest. We are chest to chest. I begin to shake a bit from my nerves. “Relax. I’m not going to rush you Lena. I know we have a short time together but I’ll wait for you.”

             
This time, I lunge for his mouth wrapping my legs around him. He groans into my mouth and I can feel him growing against my skin. He pulls away, out of breath, looking at me. I give him a naughty smirk. Who says we can’t have fun without going all the way?

***

I’ve been spending time with Levi almost every day after school and on weekends, when he doesn’t have a game. We like to go to his lake. I call it our secret garden. It’s become a special place for both of us.

             
Levi has taught me quite a few things, sexually. Every experience has been wonderful because of him. I don’t feel rushed or pressured. He takes his time, almost relishing in the fact that he is the first to get there. Levi also knows when to stop. Never once has he shown anger because I didn’t want to do something.

             
This week has been rough. Unfortunately, I didn’t get kicked off of the prom committee. So, I have been planning and preparing the decorations for the event. It’s hard planning for something that you know you won’t be a part of.

             
Kaite is going to the prom. Someone she met at Levi’s party asked her to go. I am excited for her. Between planning the prom and sneaking off with Levi, I’ve been helping her find her dress and accessories. I’m not going to lie. It’s been fun looking at dresses. Sometimes, I let my mind wander and daydream about Levi and me going to the prom and what kind of dress I would wear.

             
Then, I’m smacked right back in to reality and realize I’m just not prom material. Brad reminds me of this on a daily basis. Assortments of insults are hurled at me daily. Mostly, I ignore them. Nonetheless, as Levi and I become closer, it does get harder to swallow. Occasionally, I entertain the thought that Brad might know about Levi and me. The frequency of the harassment is heightened. Needless to say, I’m okay with not going to the dance because I know Levi is not going. He hasn’t said he’s not. However, he’s eluded that he also thinks it’s a stupid dance. I’m sure he will make plans with me that night.

             
Emotionally, Levi and I have become so much closer. He’s confided in me that his relationship with his dad is getting worse. Mostly, because Levi thinks his dad’s behavior contributes to his mom drinking all of the time. Levi is petrified of becoming his father. He is fighting tooth and nail going to his chosen college and working in the family business. We brainstorm all of the different ways he can avoid going. In the end, he’s not left with many choices.

             
I also have opened up about my mom to Levi. Amazingly, he’s sympathetic towards her. He’s managed to convince me to have some compassion for her as well. It’s still hard for me because of the torture I experience at school but I know that she is doing this for me. There is no way I could afford art school without her.

             
I’ve decided that I am going to give myself to Levi. I leave in three weeks for art school. I don’t know when I will see him again after that. Since he doesn’t leave for college until the end of the summer, he swears he is going to visit me. I don’t want to take the chance of things happening to prevent us from seeing each other. I bring the conversation up to him as we lie in the grass in our secret garden.

             
The stars are out tonight, like they were the first night Levi and I first kissed. We lie in the grass holding each other gazing up into the unknown. “Levi, I’ve decided something.”

             
He faces me and kisses my nose. “What?”

             
“I think I’m ready. Not tonight,” I try to make my declaration clearer. “I mean, I’d like you to be the first, if you want to be.”

             
The lopsided grin appears and I’m mush. Mortified. But, mush. “When were you thinking?”

             
How he can be so darn calm about this is beyond me. “Well, I have to set up for prom on Saturday. That won’t work. How is Friday?” I hate that this sounds like I’m making a doctor’s appointment.

             
Still calm, he answers. “Yeah, Saturday won’t work for me either. My parents have a dinner party that I have to go to. But, Friday night is good.”

             
I don’t know if he is nervous because he knows what this means to me or if he is just as uncomfortable as I am discussing sex but he definitely seems off. “Okay, Friday night it is.”

             
He kisses me softly biting my bottom lip. “Lena, I’m honored you chose me.”

             
In this moment, I feel like I made the right decision.

***

Friday night came so quickly I barely had time to prepare. Luckily, Kaite is at my house prior to Levi picking me up. She is schooling me on everything that will happen. From the sound of it, I’m going to be a bit of pain tonight.

              “Okay, just so you know, you will bleed. There’s no way around it. So, bring a towel or something.” Kaite warns.

             
I’m putting the final touches on my makeup as she is giving me my sex education talk. “Levi said he’d take care of everything. I’m sure wherever he is taking me, that he has all of the equipment we need.”

             
Kaite looks pensive for second. “Lena, are you sure about this? You’ve come this far. You don’t have to do this.”

             
I know Kaite worries about me. I can see it. “I want to have sex with Levi. It feels right.” I sit on the bed next to Kaite wrapping my arm around her shoulder. “I’m going to be okay, Kaite.”

             
She gives me a warm smile. “Okay. If you want this, I will support you. Go. Get deflowered!”

             
There’s a knock on my door. My mom enters greeting Kaite while taking in my appearance. I’m not sure if she can tell that I put extra effort in to how I look. “Are you going out tonight, Lena?”

             
All of the sudden, she has become mother of the fucking year since I started seeing Levi. She’s always asking where I’m going, what time I will be coming home. Before Levi, I came and went as I pleased. I prefer to keep it that way. “Yeah.”

             
Looking from me to Kaite she asks, “With Kaite?”

             
“No.”

             
“Lena, be reasonable. I just want to know where my daughter is going. Is that so much to ask?”

             
I snort with disbelief. “Mom, a month ago you couldn’t give a crap what I was doing. Let’s not pretend that we have this amazing mother-daughter relationship.”

             
Disappointment…and maybe a bit of pain splash across her face. “Be careful. Wherever you are going.” She leaves the room.

             
“Jesus, Lena. Was that really necessary?” Kaite scolds me.

             
I pack a small bag of all the things I will need to spend the night with Levi. “Yes. All of the sudden, she gives a shit. I don’t get it.”

             
Kaite helps me throw my things in my bag. “Yeah, but, maybe she is starting to come around. Maybe she is genuinely worried about you.”

             
“It’s a little too late to start to care now, don’t you think?”

             
Kaite shrugs her shoulders. “Maybe.”

             
I hear Levi’s car pull up. I give Kaite a quick kiss on the cheek and run out to his car.

             
Levi is already at the passenger side of the car opening the door for me. He plants a slow, lingering kiss on my lips before ushering me in to his car. I can see Kaite and my mom watching us from the window. My mom’s face still shows the pain I caused her earlier. It makes me feel uncomfortable. But, I decide nothing is going to ruin this night for me.

             
Once Levi is in the car, I ask him where we are going. “It’s a surprise.”

             
I laugh because everything is always a surprise with him. “Should I have brought my camera?”

             
He gives me a sexy chuckle. “Not unless you are into that sort of thing.” I blush at his joke. “Seriously, I just want to make this night as special as possible for you, Lena. Just go along with it.”

             
My body is humming with excitement and nervousness. “I’m trying. I’m just nervous.”

             
By taking my hand in his, he reassures me. “Remember, I will stop at any point. Just say the word.”

             
I think to myself, ‘Not a chance.’

             
We pull up to a hotel, which resembles an older, historic mansion set on a sprawling, landscaped lawn. Levi pulls his car up to the valet section and an employee takes our bags.

             
Once Levi checks us in, we are guided to our master suite with a balcony, a whirlpool tub, sleigh bed, and a dining area. After Levi tips our guide, he explores the suite with me. In the other room there is a sitting area with a flat screen TV and a balcony leading off of both the bedroom and the sitting area. I’m in complete awe. Never have I slept in something so elegant.

             
“It’s so pretty, Levi. How did you do this?” I feel like I don’t deserve something so elegant.

             
He begins to set up which appears to be more of my surprise. A spread of wine and cheese is laid out on the dining table. “My dad comes here quite often. They never questioned me when I made the reservation. I didn’t want your first time to be outside on the ground or in a car. You deserve more than that.”

             
“I love it. Everything. Thank you.”

             
Smiling to himself, he continues pouring our wine and hands me a glass. I try not to gulp it down. Damn, I want to. My nerves are jumping in every direction. I just want to calm down. I do not doubt that I want to do it with Levi. I just want everything to be perfect. From what I gather, it’s not, for anyone.

             
“You want to hang out on the balcony for a bit?”

             
I nod and follow him out with my wine in hand. For a short period of time we look at the stars and drink our beverage. We’re quiet for a bit with an underlying tone of apprehension. I just want it to end. “I’m ready.”

             
I can hear Levi gulp with anticipation. Taking my hand, he leads me in to the bedroom area. My eyes are wide because I see the bed linens are pure white. Despite what people think, white and virgins don’t mix. I think Levi sees my reaction. He heads immediately to his bag and pulls out a blanket and a few condoms. I allow him to put his blanket down over the sheets. Then, I sit on the edge of the bed waiting for him to tell me what to do.

             
Levi kneels in front me. He kisses my hands, which are rested on my knees. His hands move up my thighs to the small of my back. Laying his head in my lap, he sighs. I pick his head up with my hands. “Kiss me?”

             
Levi rises off of his knees and pushes my shoulders until they reach the comfort of the bed. I’m thinking he’s going to kiss me but his lips dart to the spot behind my ear. Damn, I like it. His mouth is all over my neck, sucking and licking heightening all of my senses. Finally, his mouth is on mine. Our tongues dance together in an easy motion.

             
I begin to shiver but I’m not cold. “It’s okay. It’s okay,” Levi whispers over and over again. His mouth moves from mine and slides down my neck. His hands are on my waist grasping on the edge of my shirt. It’s pushed up my chest and over my head, leaving my stomach and bra exposed. I’m propped up enough for Levi’s fingers to unclasp my bra allowing my breasts to spill out of the restriction.

             
Again, my shoulders hit the bed and Levi’s urgent mouth is on my breasts giving them the attention, like he did my neck. I can feel him starting to lose control. The proof is in the hardness against my leg. I decide to hurry things along because I don’t want it to end disappointing for either of us. I remove his shirt, feeling each muscle and piece of warm skin beneath my hands.

             
This is my favorite part. I love being chest to chest with him. It makes me feel like we are connected. While I relish in the thought of our hearts speaking to each other through our skin, Levi unbuttons my jeans allowing me to shimmy the garment and my panties down my legs. Kneeling above me, Levi unbuttons his pants and removes them in a similar fashion.

             
As he is above me, I take all of him in. I felt him below the waist before, but seeing it so closely, in light, instead of dark makes this experience real. He’s thick and long. I find myself wondering how in the world he is going to fit inside of me. Sensing my fear, Levi runs his hand down the front of my chest feeling each nipple, sending pleasurable quakes through my body. “You’re the prettiest girl I have ever known.” I pull him to me allowing him to kiss me wherever he wants.

             
His hands slip between my legs rubbing me over and over again. And…I’m lost in the feeling. Each time he rubs me in the spot that is most sensitive, I begin to arch against him. I know where this is going and I love it. Levi has done this to me many times over the past few weeks. It’s like fiery explosion of forbidden senses. The slickness between my legs is becoming overwhelming. Levi uses the overload of resources to rub my spot faster and faster until I’m screaming his name.