Broken Ever After (35 page)

Crawling into the shower on my cut knees to wash the blood away, I desperately tried
to get the mirror out but the pieces I’d managed to move, just bled more. More pieces were stuck, not to mention the ones embedded in my legs and feet.

I
was starting to feel sick. I leaned out of the shower to get a towel to press my arms against but I slipped, falling flat on the shower floor. Pain sliced through my head as I gazed up at the torrent of water descending over me. I felt so… heavy… so tired.

It’s so dark, why is it so dark? Is it night time? It must be… but I can hear voices. I tried to sit up but I couldn’t.
Where am I?

I was tucked in too tight again. I wrestled the covers away and slowly crept out of bed to the top of the stairs
, covering my nose and mouth with Tedted so I could smell him, he always kept me safe from monsters. I could hear shouting from downstairs; I don’t like it when they shout. Tedted would keep me safe. I hugged him tighter.

“
It’s not working Robert! It’s ok pretending for a few hours but it’s not the same! Are you even fucking listening to me?” There was a loud noise. Aunt Julie was being silly again, she’d broken something; I sat down on the top step and hugged Tedted closer. “I said are you listening to me? Can you not leave your paperwork for five bloody minutes to have a discussion with me, Robert?”

“
Yes I’m listening! Can you keep your voice down and stop breaking shit before you wake Ollie?” I bumped down the stairs on my bottom making an ‘ahh’ sound and laughed at how funny it sounded when I landed on each step.

“
Unca Wobbie… listen!” I shouted. I heard whispering as I ran back up to the top.

“
Hey Cutie, what are you doing up? It’s late!”

“
Listen, listen!” I bumped down the stairs again. “Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh.” Uncle Robbie laughed.

“
Wow! That’s so funny, come here you.” He picked me up in a tight hug and carried me back up the stairs. “Let’s go tuck you and Ted back in bed.”

“
Tedted.” I made an angry face at him.

“
Tedted.” he agreed with me.

“
Tedted is sad.”

“
Oh, why?”

“
He heard shouting. He woke me up because he was scared.”

“
There is nothing to be scared of Tedted I promise. Nothing will ever hurt you Tedted, or my Ollie. Now lie down and go back to sleep so we can have lots of fun tomorrow before you guys go home.”

“
Noooo! No wanna go home!” He tickled me and Tedted then tucked us both back in with a kiss on our heads. “Night Cutie, night Tedted.”

“
Wuv you Unca Wobbie.”

“
I love you too Ollie.” I pulled Tedted into my chest and turned over to go to sleep.

I could hear voices again
, I heard someone say ‘Tintin’ Uncle Austin? Where is he? I’ve not called him Tintin since I was a little girl. I saw myself run to him and laughed.

“
Yaaay Unca Austin! Unca Austin!” he picked me up, way over his head making me squeal.

“
Hey little Lollie-pop”

“
I painteded you a picture”

“
Oh cool! Let’s go see if it’s dry to take home.” He put me down and I ran to the painting area to the teacher there. “Miss Laura! My Unca Austin pickeded me up from nursey today! He been big boy school today! See? I painteded him a picture! Is it dry? Is it dry?”

“
Slow down Olivia! Hi, Dr Stevens called and said you would be collecting her, Austin right? Her things are all on her peg ready, including her picture.”

“
Ok, thanks. Come on then Lollie-pop.”

“
Yaaay let’s go plaay! Let’s go plaaay!”

“
Nooo… We do reading first then we can play games, you know that.” He let me sit on his bike to go home. It was so high up; my feet couldn’t reach the ground.

“
I can reach!” I called adamantly.

“
Only another couple of feet to go, Squirt.”

I laughed watching my two year old self
, sat in Uncle Austin’s lap, bouncing my feet as I shoved sandwiches down my throat with a glass of milk. He’d said I needed to finish them all before we could read and play.

“
Mmm… Pea-nut but-ter is my new-est ev-er fa-vou-rite.” I laughed at the smaller version of myself nodding with every syllable.

“
Shh… Don’t tell mummy, it’s a secret.” I giggled and put my finger on my lips.

“
Pomiss.” I whispered. Uncle Austin hugged me in tightly for our story time, they weren’t like books at nursery; he said they were special books called ‘comits’.

“
This one is called The Red Sea Sharks.”

“
No like sharks!” He pulled me closer and began reading. He got half way through and I started giggling. “Unca Austin… Your name is like Tintin! Austin… Tintin! Austin… Tintin!” I laughed and laughed, I couldn’t stop. I ran upstairs to my mummy’s dressy up table and got some sticky hair stuff. “Sit still!” I told him. “I make you look pwetty!”

“
Ok, ok, I’ll sit still.” I got a big blob of sticky stuff and turned Uncle Austin in to Tintin.

“
You look funny!” I giggled, happy with his new hair. Mummy came home and saw us laughing.

“
What’s so funny? Austin, what the hell did you do to your hair?”

“
Mummy! I made Unca Austin look like Tintin!” I took the comit to her with my sticky fingers. “See?” She started laughing at Uncle Austin too.

“
Oh I see! Well, you go wash your hands and I’ll start your dinner ok?”

“
But I just had a sandwich. With peanuts and butter!”

“
Oh you did, did you? Austin what have I told you about giving her peanuts? She’s only two! What would you do if she was allergic to them?” Mummy shouted at him. Oops, it was sposed to be a secret.

A black haze descended around me again
, then there was another voice in the darkness.

“
Hey, beautiful, I came back to check on you. Please wake up, I can’t stand this.”

Riley?

It was quiet for a moment. He’d stopped talking; I tried to see around the darkness, but there was nothing. I could hear the push and pull of something… The ocean? In the middle of London? No, that wasn’t it, but I couldn’t place the sound. It was accompanied by a beeping noise, a car? My alarm clock? Maybe I should get up and switch it off. What time is it? Why can’t I move?

“
She’s not who you think she is.” Who isn’t? “It really did happen… No she never told me. I heard her screaming… I know they were about him… I know that. I really think you and Julie are wrong! I’m not doing it. Do whatever you want but you’ll have to get through me.” There was a loud thud. What is he not doing? Sounds started fading again leaving me in the darkness once more.

The smell
of pancakes filled my nostrils and I leaped out of bed leaving Ted on my pillow. ‘Big girls don’t need to carry their toys around all day’ is what mum told me. I walked downstairs to see Uncle Robert cooking; Aunt Julie wasn’t around so I got the orange juice from the fridge and placed it on the table. I went and gave Uncle Robert a cuddle around his waist. He jumped.

“
Oh hey, Cutie! I never heard you come down. Did you sleep well?”

“
Yes thanks.” I yawned as I got my stool so I could reach the cabinet that held the glasses. I got out three and placed them on the side.

“
We only need two, honey. Aunt Julie… isn’t here… she has erm, she’s gone out.” I looked at him to see his eyes were all red and puffy.

“
Are you ok Uncle Robert?”

“
I’m fine; can you get our plates too?” He doesn’t look ok. Where has Aunt Julie gone? I had heard them arguing again the night before.

“
Is she not coming back?” They were shouting about me again, I heard her saying my name. It’s my fault Uncle Robert is upset.

“
No honey, she’s not.” He sniffed as he flipped another pancake.

“
Did I do something wrong?” I asked as I got two plates from the cupboard too.

“
No, why would you think that?” He wiped his face with a tea towel before turning to me.

“
She always shouts and I sometimes hear her talk about me.”

“
Well she was just upset that we can’t have a beautiful little girl like you and she was sad that you always have to go home.”

“
I can stay forever if it makes her happy? And then you will be happy again too.” He came over and hugged me.

“
I’m ok as long as I’ve got my Ollie. Don’t worry about Julie or me, ok? Pancakes are ready.” He kissed my hair and faced me towards the table.

“
Yaaay!” I squealed as I jumped on to my chair.

More darkness and
the noise that I’d accepted as the ocean, surrounded me. I thought I could hear my mum but I wasn’t sure as the darkness swallowed me.

I came to some trees through the darkness; I watched myself kneeling by the riverbank
, beside a chocolate brown dog.

“
Hey Oscar, whatcha doin?” Uncle Robert was walking behind me; I grabbed a stick and ran off to follow Oscar.

“
Ollie.” He called after me.

“
What?” I yelled back to him, knowing exactly why he wanted me to go to him.

“
Come back!”

“
But Ozzy wants to play fetch.” I threw the stick and watched Oscar bound after it, then shuddered with fear as Robert whistled calling Oscar back to him.

“
Well Oscar is over here now so you can come and talk to me.” I walked over to him knowing that he didn’t want to ‘talk’. That sick feeling was in my stomach.
NO! Run the other way
! I urged my little self, my arm going across my stomach mirroring her pose.

He made me sit in front of him
placing my hands on my knees, threatening to tie them there if I so much as moved an inch. First his hand was in my t-shirt then down to my shorts. I didn’t like it, but he got upset with me when I tried to wiggle away, he’d hold me to him, it was just easier to sit and wait.
Just watch the water, just watch the water!
Was what I kept telling myself.

From where I was stood, I could see him remove himself from his trousers. I was stuck; I couldn’t look away. The frightened little girl in front of him didn’t know what was happening.
Don’t look, Liv! Don’t look
! I called to her.
Close your eyes! He’ll be gone soon, I promise! He’ll be gone for good!
He’d learnt from the first time to remember a condom; he didn’t appreciate me throwing myself into the river to wash my hair.

He grunted; he always did that before pushing me away
. I got up and called Oscar as calmly as I could trying not to let the tears fall, but they did anyway. I took my headband off, throwing it into the river and let my long hair fall in my face so Uncle Robert couldn’t see me cry.

“
Hey baby, it’s me. Wake up for me, Angel, please. I need to see your eyes, please let me look at you. I’ve missed you so, so much.” I could feel Jamie’s warm breath by my ear. “I love you Olivia. Don’t just leave me talking, feeling like an idiot.” I tried to move but I couldn’t. I felt all heavy. “Liv? Oh my God, Olivia! Come on baby, open your eyes.” My eyes slowly opened, it was too bright; my eyes kept closing against the light. “Hey baby, I missed you.” I heard a click and it wasn’t so bright any more. Jamie leaned down and kissed my head.

“
You’re not an idiot.” I managed to get out through an extremely dry and sore throat. “You’re an arse.” He laughed, I tried to smile back at him but I don’t know if I managed it.

“
Yeah I am.” He leaned down and kissed me again.

“
Why does my throat hurt so much?”

“
You are in hospital. Do you remember what happened?” I looked around the room.
Why the hell am I in hospital?
“I’ll just get your parents and Austin, they’re outside.” Jamie peeked his head out of the door, then came back in and pressed the nurse call button. My eyes felt so heavy and closed again.

“
Hello, Sleeping Beauty.” My eyes fluttered open again to see a nurse walking around my bed. “Welcome back. How are you feeling?” It was Victoria, a nurse friend of my parents’; she was busying herself checking my vitals on the monitors whilst waiting for my answer.

“
My throat- is sore.” God, it felt like I’d swallowed razor blades, my voice was barely a whisper.

“
That’s from the breathing tube you had, sweetheart, I’ll fetch you some water and go page your doctor and parents, they just went for some coffee. It’s good to see you awake again.” She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and walked out again.

“
Why- you here?” I asked Jamie. I thought he’d be sleeping in the Thames by now.

“
You don’t want me here?” I sighed and slowly turned away from him, shooting pains flying through my body. Is he that much of an idiot? “I just heard that you were here and came straight up to see you.”