Broken Pasts (2 page)

CHAPTER 2

Stuart
Moore was a well dressed, relatively handsome middle aged man with a
nice car and perfectly fine manners.

He
was one hundred percent, absolutely
not
my type. It's not
like I was into cavemen or bad boys or anything of the sort. It's
just, I liked some spice. I liked my guys to be complicated,
interesting.
And you have such great taste, Theresa,
I said
to myself as I adjusted the fabric of my dress and tried to convince
myself that it wasn't too short. Stuart's eyes had traced the long
lines of my thighs more times that I would've liked to admit.
You
chose Glen and Gary for death do you part. Give this guy a chance.
So I followed Mr. Khaki Suit out of his BMW and into the
restaurant. He didn't hold the door open for me which was a bad
sign, but I assuaged my fears by saying that feminism went both ways.
I can open my own door.
But if he asked me to pay half the
check, I was out of there. Call me old fashioned, but it's true.

“
I
hope Jamie didn't guilt trip you into this,” I said, trying to
lighten the mood with a joke as the host led us through a bustling
restaurant filled to capacity with noisy New Year's parties. Stuart
didn't respond until we got to the table where he didn't pull out my
chair for me. I pulled it out myself and sat down, smoothing my
hands down the red fabric of my dress. It didn't fit quite as well
as the day I'd first bought it, but I thought I looked nice with my
black pumps and the silver eye of Horus gleaming on the golden plane
of my chest. Rhea had bought the necklace for me with her own money
on one of the trips she'd gone on with Glen.
Since you couldn't
be there,
she'd told me, pooling the silver chain in my palm.
It'll protect you.
I let that warmth fill my smile as I
looked over at Stuart's broad forehead and blue eyes. His curly,
black hair was perfectly arranged atop his head and his mouth was
quirked into his own smile, one that didn't quite reach his eyes.

“
I
don't know what you mean?” Stuart asked turning our date from
blind to awkward. I shook my head and picked up my menu.

“
Never
mind,” I said as my eyes scoured the prices.
He is
definitely a split the check kind of guy,
I thought as I picked
out the cheapest thing there.

“
Shall
I order a bottle of wine?” he asked, taking off his jacket and
revealing rather broad shoulders.
Okay, okay,
I told myself.
This could work out. Mr. Moore has a good body under that boring
suit.

“
That
would be great,” I said as he held out the wine list. “Oh,
I'm not picky,” I told him, waving my hand dismissively.
“Whatever works best for you is fine with me.”

“
I
don't drink,” Stuart said and I think I knew then and there
that the night was going to go sour. Jamie had sent me out on New
Year's Eve with a teetotaler for a date. I hid my cringe and took
the list between two fingers. I scoured it for a moment and once
again let price make my decision. If I was ever going to get out of
my brother's rental house and into one of my own, sacrifices had to
be made. I had a good sized down payment built up already, but there
was no sense in wasting any of it on a date with a man I knew I
wasn't going to like. “So, Ms. McMaster,” Stuart
continued, clearing his throat. “Joel tells me you have a
daughter?” I nodded and reached up to finger the necklace.
The silver eye was my life raft whenever I was lost at sea. And by
lost at sea, I mean sitting in the middle of a crowded five star
restaurant with overpriced food and a man with a nice chest but no
tact. “But that she's not your biological child?” I
tried not to sigh.

“
My
first husband and I adopted her when she was an infant,” I said
not bothering to go into details. Rhea had the same dark hair and
olive complexion that I did. It was easy to pass her off as my
biological daughter. Even she didn't know otherwise. One day, I
would have to tell her, but for right now, things were perfect
between us. Why throw her a curve ball?

“
Because
of your miscarriage?” he asked and I did grit my teeth at that.
I was going to kill Jamie when I saw her. “I'm sorry,”
he said suddenly, as if he'd finally realized what he'd just said and
how completely and utterly inappropriate it was. “I haven't
been on a date in awhile. I think I'm just nervous, how about you?”
He tried to smile then and it was much more pleasant, definitely
more genuine. I took a deep breath and tried to think of his
comments as a sign of his curiosity rather than his disrespect.

“
It's
okay,” I said as I relaxed the muscles in my forehead and
leaned my elbows on the table. “I've never been a big fan of
first dates. With my second husband,” I paused, wondering how
smart it was to talk to my date about my ex. I decided that Stuart
and I most likely were headed nowhere and forged on with the
determination to enjoy my night. “I spilled a cup of steaming
coffee into his lap and gave him second degree burns on his thighs.”
I smiled and Stuart chuckled. I had taken Gary to urgent care and
spent a wonderful night just talking. Once upon a time, he'd been
perfect. I reached down to my purse and snuck a glance at my phone.
No missed calls. I nearly sighed with relief.
Finally.
If I
could start out the New Year with anything, it would be a fresh
start. No men, just me. And Rhea, of course.

I
looked over the balustrade and down into the lower portion of the
dining room. A chandelier hung over the white table cloths and
glimmered like a promise. I made a New Year's resolution right then
and there not to get involved with anyone else until I was fully
comfortable with myself and the choices I'd made.
Your life is
not a mistake, just an experience.

Why
is it that when you finally find your feet, life always finds a way
to knock you back down again?

***

Stuart
and I didn't leave the restaurant until well after midnight.

Despite
our rough start, things were actually going fairly well. We'd shared
dating horror stories like the best of girlfriends and after I'd
gotten a couple of glasses of wine down, we'd actually started to
flirt. I'd spent half the night with Stuart's warm hand caressing my
thigh. Previous declarations aside, he was a handsome man and I was
lonely. I told myself that there was absolutely nothing wrong with
my asking him to come home with me. In all honesty, he'd given me
the best holiday I'd had in years. I wasn't alone and I wasn't
thinking about the past. On their own, either of those things was
enough to make my day. Combined, they practically made my year.

“
Hey
Stuart,” I asked as we walked across the parking lot to his
car. “Do you want to come over for a little while?”
Stuart paused and looked down at me. His eyes caught on the line of
golden cleavage above my red dress for just a moment before he met my
gaze. “Just for tonight,” I added, hoping I wasn't
giving him the wrong impression. I'd had fun, but I was no way ready
to jump into another relationship. I wasn't sure when or even
if
that would ever happen again. “No strings attached.”
I let my fingers touch the crisp fabric of his shirt and when he
didn't protest, I let my hand slide under the edges of his khaki suit
jacket. Stuart didn't say a thing, just let his own fingers slide up
the side of my neck and tangle in the dark waves of my hair. He
removed my clip and watched hungrily as ebony cascades tumbled down
around my shoulders.

“
I'd
love to,” he told me as he ran his tongue across his lips and
his blue eyes twinkled softly. Leaning down just a bit, he pressed a
sensual kiss to my mouth. There weren't any fireworks or explosions
of light and sound, but then, there never are, right? But the kiss
was enough to get my body warm and my thighs moist. “Shall
we?” he asked as he unlocked the car with his key fob and
started around towards the driver's side. I had just the briefest of
moments to think,
'He's still not going to open the door for me?'
when Stuart looked up and his eyes widened in alarm. An arm went
around my waist and tugged me against a firm chest. I smelt cologne
and a spicy aftershave that had once made me swoon, but now were just
reminders of good times gone wrong.

“
Theresa,
baby, why are you doing this to me?” I pulled away from the
intruder and spun around to find Gary behind me, eyes red rimmed and
mouth tight. He barely looked like himself. Even angry, Gary had
always been able to hold onto some semblance of pride and at least
the appearance of self-control. Now he looked disheveled and
anxious. His hands were shaking and he was running his left hand
through his hair, again and again and again.

“
What
are you doing here?” I asked without turning around to look at
Stuart. I could only focus on Gary right now. He looked dangerous.
The last time he had looked this way, I had feared for my life and I
had left him. I was not going through this again. At least this
time, there was a man at my back and a parking lot still partially
full of people. He couldn't hurt me here even if he wanted to.

“
I
tried to be nice about it,” he told me as he turned away and
rubbed his hand down his face. “I called you several times,
left several messages. I even met you at the store like
you
wanted and you didn't hear me.” I shook my head.

“
What
are you talking about?” I asked, thoroughly confused.

“
Goddamn
it,” Gary said and he looked down at the pavement, eyes closed
like he was trying to come to terms with something. “Our date,
Theresa. Where do we always go for special occasions? You stood me
up.” I just stared at him and he whirled to face me. “The
Vertigo. I was at The Vertigo.” I looked up as Stuart came
around the front of the car and closed the passenger side door. I
didn't even get the chance to ask what he was doing. I was more
concerned with Gary.

“
We
went there once,” I said, still not quite understanding what
was happening. It's hard to realize you've made a mistake, married
the wrong person. It's even harder to accept that they could be
dangerous. That they could take that emotional pain and take it
another step further. “We went there one time to celebrate our
engagement, Gary.” An engine roared behind me and I turned
around just in time to see Stuart pulling out of the parking space.
His tires were barely six inches away from the toes of my high heels.
“What the hell?” Gary grabbed my shoulder and spun me
around, pushing me back until I was slamming against the side of a
white van emblazoned with the name of the restaurant. He pointed at
my face, hands shaking, jaw tight. This was the anger that I had
seen before, that I had fled. I looked around for help.

“
You
stood me up and you came out with another man,” he said through
gritted teeth. Nobody was coming this way. It was like we were
hidden in plain sight, caught in the shadows behind the van and
blocked from view by the bright lights that lit up the majority of
the parking lot. I thought about screaming for help, but I didn't
want to make a scene.
Why didn't I bring the gun?
I wondered
as Gary released my shoulder. “You're a cheating, lying
whore,” he told me as I started to move away. Gary punched the
side of the van and finally caught the attention of a couple near the
restaurant's entrance. They didn't come over to us, but they were
looking. “But I forgive you,” he said, changing tactics
suddenly. He reached up and took my face between his hands. “I
forgive you, Theresa,” he told me. “I love you.”

“
Gary,”
I said as calmly and as firmly as I was able. This had to stop now.
I was not going to play his games. “We are no longer together,
remember?” He was already shaking his head and turning away.
“You need help, Gary,” I told him. I didn't say all that
I was thinking. I didn't tell him that I thought he was a complete
fucking psycho that deserved to be locked up. Maybe later, over the
safety of an e-mail or a text, but not now. Not with him three feet
in front of me pacing like a caged animal. Gary's personality had
always been … malleable. I'd seen him go from laughing to
crying to stoic. But nothing like this, not even during the two
fights that had made up my mind about him.

“
I
don't need help,” he said, almost pleaded. “I just need
you. My life isn't complete without you.” He turned away and
put his hands on his hips, took several, big breaths of the cool
night air. I started to move away, sidling down the side of the van.
“Until death do us part, Theresa,” he said calmly and
when he turned to face me, his brown eyes were like black pits,
swallowed by shadows and anger. “You made a promise to me.”

I
turned around and started to run.

CHAPTER 3

“
I'm
so sorry about your date,” Jamie said as she stood in my
kitchen and unpacked a bottle of wine, a package of brie and a loaf
of French bread. It was our favorite get together snack, one that I
knew I wouldn't enjoy. Not today. Last night had left me feeling
shaken and defeated. I hadn't told Jamie the whole truth yet, wasn't
sure if I wanted to. If I did, she'd blow it all out of proportion.
Gary was sick. Maybe he was bipolar, maybe schizophrenic, I wasn't
sure. I just needed to watch my back and carry my gun in my purse.
That was it. Period. It was over. I was changing my phone number
tomorrow and my e-mail address. I decided to glaze over the events
that happened after Stuart had left. “So he just ditched you
in the parking lot?”

“
Yeah,”
I said with a heavy sigh. “Gary just showed up and popped over
to say hi and then Stuart was gone. He practically ran over my
foot.” She sliced me a piece of bread and I grabbed it, using
it to gesture at her like it was a pointer. “Don't ever set me
up again. Your date choices are horrible.” Jamie sighed and
poured us both a massive goblet of wine. They were huge, medieval
looking even. I picked mine up and downed half. I had a right to.

“
I
wish Joel had a brother,” she said as she leaned her hip
against the blue tiles of my countertop. “Then you'd marry him
and we'd be sisters legally and not just spiritually.” I
rolled my eyes and scooped a massive lump of brie onto my bread. I
didn't even spread it around, just ate it as is.

“
That
would never happen,” I said as I tried my best to smile.
“Because then I'd be obligated to go to those terrible
MacMillan get-togethers.” Jamie rolled her eyes and spilled a
massive amount of alcohol on her white blouse.

“
You
have no idea,” she said as we both laughed. “There were
fifteen underage kids at my house yesterday and at least three
balding, middle aged babies.” I chuckled. “The new sofa
is just trashed and there's still a million plastic cups and paper
plates scattered over the backyard.” She took a bite of bread
and kept talking while she chewed. “That's not my job, just so
you know. That's Joel's.” Jamie paused as the doorbell rang
and raised her eyebrows at me. “Expecting someone?” she
asked. I shook my head and moved across the kitchen and through the
living room, pausing at the peephole to look out. It's not like I
expected anything bad to happen, just that after what had happened
last night, I wasn't taking any chances.

Standing
outside on the porch was my daughter, Rhea.

With
a squeal, I flung open the door and she threw herself in my arms. I
saw Glen sitting in his car at the curb and gave him a little wave.
He honked once, waved back, and was gone. That was the extent of our
interactions nowadays. Deliver Rhea, confirm delivery, checkout.

“
What
are you doing back so early?” I asked as I held her by the
shoulders and looked her over. “Did Winnie have another mommy
temper tantrum?” Rhea giggled and shook her head, her
straight, black hair flying around her small face.

“
Angie
fell off a rock at the beach and broke her leg.” I raised my
eyebrows. Angie was Rhea's younger sister, Glen's biological
daughter, only six years old. “She got a cast and we all
signed it.” Rhea leaned in conspiratorially. “I even
drew a penis on it with Sharpie.” I heard Jamie snort behind
me and tried not to break out into a maniacal grin.
God, I love
this kid.
“Winnie made us cover it with stickers, but she
bought the wrong kind and Angie had a huge screaming tantrum in the
airport. It was really fun.” I picked up her bag as she
skipped into the house and went straight for her bedroom.

“
I'm
glad you had a good time,” I said as she disappeared around the
corner into the hallway.

“
I'll
be right back!” she shouted as I tossed the black and yellow
duffel bag onto the couch. Jamie grinned at me as I reentered the
kitchen and leaned against the counter.

“
What?”
I asked as she shook her head.

“
You
two are too, too much,” she said as she set her wine glass on
the counter.

“
Hey,”
I said as I gestured at the stack of books on the edge of the dining
room table. “I am not the one that said it was time for 'The
Talk.' That was you. You're the one that gave her the damn books
and you're the one that's to blame for the subsequent drawing of
penises, so just get over yourself, okay?”

“
Uh-huh,”
Jamie said, straightening her black A-line skirt and picking at her
panty hose. “Do you have any sweats? I need to get out of
this damn monkey suit.”

“
Of
course I do,” I said with a sigh as Jamie started to follow me
down the hallway. “I have a whole drawer full of clothes just
for you. Why don't you pack a bag when you know you're staying the
night?”

“
Mom.”
I paused just outside my bedroom door and looked down the hallway
towards the pale blue walls of Rhea's room.

“
Yeah?”

“
Come
here for a second.” Something about her voice made me want to
run. It sounded … forced. Rhea never sounded like that. She
was always easy, calm, relaxed. I moved down the hallway briskly and
paused in the doorway, fearing the worst. I was having
Fatal
Attraction
flashbacks. Granted, we didn't own any pets so
finding a dead animal in my daughter's room was a long shot, but Gary
had freaked me out. I had a feeling it would be awhile before I was
completely over last night.

“
Where's
the fire?” Jamie asked as she trailed behind me.

I
turned the corner and nearly had a heart attack when Rhea screamed
out, “Surprise!” In her small hands was a necklace made
out of what looked to be small, black beads. She'd tied a ribbon
around it and even attached a small card. “I was hiding it in
my pocket and you didn't even see,” she said proudly as I took
the gift in my own hands and examined it. There were little red and
pink hearts painted on each bead. “It's a Kukui nut necklace,”
she stated authoritatively. “And it has magic, too. It will
bring you love.” She paused and giggled. “And penises.”

“
Rhea!”
I said, trying my best not to laugh. I put a hand on my hip and
couldn't hold back a smile.

“
Hey,”
Jamie said, leaning against the door frame behind me. “Can't
complain about that. I say, amen. Nice job, Rhea.” Rhea
grinned and gestured at me wildly, feisty and colorful in her bright
pink shirt and yellow spandex pants. What can I say, the girl had
style.

“
Put
it on,” she whispered excitedly. I detached the card, smiled
at the hastily scrawled 'I love you' and slipped off the eye of Horus
necklace. I put the new necklace on in its place and did a
ridiculous and completely embarrassing, wine inspired runway show.

I
had just traded a symbol of protection for a symbol of love.

I
should've worn both the necklaces.

***

Rhea
spent the remainder of the afternoon in her bedroom playing video
games while Jamie and I looked at magazines whose sole intention was
to destroy a person's self image and sense of beauty.

“
Jamie,”
I said and I tried to keep my voice low so Rhea wouldn't hear. I
mean, I could at least pretend that she wouldn't hear. How is it
that little kids always manage to eavesdrop on the worst
conversations? They were all natural-born sleuths, I swear it.
“Have you ever had an … ” I stared at the article
in my hand and fought through a lump in my throat to articulate my
question. “An orgasm?” Jamie looked up suddenly, face
horrified.

“
You're
not just bringing this up now, are you?” she asked, face locked
into this terrible expression of dismay. She still looked pretty
with her smoky eyes and red rouged lips, even in the baggy gray sweat
suit she was wearing. I looked away and shrugged.

“
I'm
not saying I haven't had one. I'm just not … sure.”
Jamie put her wine down, closed her magazine and took me by the hand.

“
If
you're not sure if you've had one, then you haven't had one. You
would know.” I frowned and tried to peek around the corner
without leaving my stool. Rhea already had penises on the brain.
The last thing I needed was her running back to Glen's house and
telling him that Mommy never had an orgasm. Wouldn't that be nice?

“
Well,
when … ”
God, I can barely say his name.
I
shook myself of the fear and continued. “When Gary and I first
got together, the sex was great, but – ” Jamie cut me
off.

“
But
it wasn't orgasmic,” she said with a sigh. “Dear God.”
Jamie stood up, opened the freezer and pulled out the bottle of
Jäger. “We're going to need this,” she said as she
retrieved a pair of glasses. “This is okay. This is normal.”
I raised my eyebrows and swept a bit of stray hair from my forehead.
It sounded more like Jamie was reassuring herself rather than me.
“The average age for a woman's first orgasm is twenty-eight, so
that means some are earlier and some are later. You're just on the …
the later side.”

“
Where
did you read that fact?” I asked skeptically. “That
doesn't sound right.” Jamie ignored me and gestured at the
living room window with a raise of her chin.

“
Can
you please close those curtains?” she asked as she poured our
drinks. “Some weirdo's driving up and down the street. I
don't like to be stared at when I'm wearing the world's ugliest sweat
suit.”

“
You
could've packed a bag,” I whispered as she started to talk over
me.

“
You
do masturbate, right? Most women have their first orgasm while
masturbating.”

“
What's
masturbation?” Rhea asked as she skipped into the kitchen and
sniffed the glass of Jäger that was sitting in front of my
abandoned magazine. “Gross, that smells like black licorice.
I hate black licorice, but I like the red kind.”

I
groaned and grabbed the blue and white curtains in one hand when I
saw him.

Gary.

Gary
was sitting in a white car that I'd never seen driving down the
street in front of my house. His brown hair was clean and combed
back and his face was pleasant and relaxed. He in no way looked the
part of a stalker. But that's all I could think.
Stalker.
He
turned the corner and disappeared around the block. I stood frozen
in front of the window, certain that he'd come back around at any
moment.

“
Masturbation
is when a person touches themselves to feel good,” Jamie said
as Rhea stuck out her tongue and opened the refrigerator, obviously
uninterested.

“
She's
nine,” I said to Jamie by way of explanation as I tried to keep
the fear I was feeling out of my voice. It was just a coincidence.
Had to be a coincidence. Gary had to make home visits for some of
his clients. There was always the chance that he was just out here
for a work thing and had decided to drive by. I noticed then that my
hands were shaking.

“
So
what?” she asked. “Ray started masturbating when he was
six months old.” I didn't respond, just waited to see if the
white car would reappear. It didn't. Finally, Jamie came over and
stood beside me, putting a hand to my forehead to see if I was okay.

“
You
don't look so good,” she told me as I finally got the strength
to draw the curtains. I checked the front door next and then the
back. The windows came next. Jamie waited until I was out of Rhea's
sight and grabbed me by the upper arms. “What the hell is
going on with you?” she asked, all serious now. She had her
prosecutor face on. It's not something that can be argued with or
ignored. Jamie demands attention when she's like that.

“
Gary,”
I said. She continued to stare at me, waiting for an explanation.

“
Mom?”
Rhea asked as she came around the corner and saw us standing there.
“What are you doing?”

“
Hey,”
Jamie said and her face lit up for the briefest of moments as she
stared my daughter's big brown eyes down. “Why don't you go
pick us all a movie to watch? We'll make beds on the floor in the
living room. It'll be fun.” Rhea nodded enthusiastically and
disappeared again. When Jamie turned back to me, I slumped and let
my guard down. There was no point in trying to hide it from her
anymore. “What's going on?” I looked up and caught her
gaze with mine.

“
It's
Gary,” I said. “And he's stalking me.”