Broken Wings (Contemporary Romance) (18 page)

How could she move forward? How could she ever hope to be happy again? Without her Joshua, there was no happiness, there was no real future; there were just her beautiful memories and a life time ahead of pain from a broken heart that she knew would never heal. It had been hung, drawn and quartered. This was not the future she had envisaged, this was not the future she wanted to face. The sun was setting and this reminded Angelina of her last night with Joshua and the promise he had made to her; at that moment she looked at her hand, rubbing her finger over the precious ring he had given her. She fell to her knees and shouted out his name: “
Joshua
.”

When she finally stood up, she realised dusk was setting in. She turned around and walked back to the lodge, her thoughts switching from Joshua to Daniel and then back to Joshua. She wondered if he was up there with Daniel, if they had become friends. Were they looking down on her? And if so, why didn't they come for her, knowing how much pain she was in? Her thoughts were erratic and making no real sense to her at all, just a constant rambling in her mind. Nothing made sense anymore; the only thing that was real, the only thing she was sure of, was her intense pain, a pain which she had to endure and suffer alone. No one could understand, how could they?

A few more weeks passed by and summer was just around the corner, moving ever closer with great enthusiasm. She was saddened at the thought, her hand held her heart as if her life depended on it. The pain was crippling her, suffocating her more with each passing day. Waking up each and every day without him was torture, and her will to carry on was fading. She thought of Joshua's last promise to her: “When I return, I promise I will make you my wife.” She felt the familiar pang in her chest. Angelina looked across the waters, those words at the forefront of her mind “Missing in action presumed dead.” “God, if you can hear me, please answer my prayers, don't take him just yet, please, I am begging you send him back to me. We have only just begun our lives together, what could you possibly want with him? He's too young to be taken.”

Angelina rose early the following day after a night spent alone at the lodge. In memory of Joshua, she had decided to spend the whole day at the lodge and then once dusk fell, she would take a walk up to their favourite place where they had once picnicked. There was nowhere else in the world she wanted to be today, the two of them spent so much time between the lake and the lodge, swimming, walking, and hiking. Great memories which she treasured.

Angelina poured herself a large glass of wine, pulled one of Joshua's last letters to her and started reading it slowly. By the end of the day, she had read each one slowly, taking in every last written word. Once again, the tears flowed like a running stream. However much she tried, Angelina could not stem the flow, just seeing his spidery handwriting pulled heavily on her heart.

The last letter read:

My dearest sweetest Angelina,

“
How I miss you so very much, I cannot tell you how desperate I am too see you. It's been tough out here. I have seen things that are unimaginable. The fight is a hard one, the destruction is so apparent everywhere we go. It makes all of us soldiers out here appreciate what we have back home so much. I love you, sweetheart, you are my angel. I cannot wait to have you in my arms once more and hold you close. Just know this, my love, I will be home for late summer and I will fulfil my promise. There is nothing I want more in the whole world than for you to be my wife always. With you by my side, I know I can do anything. Stay strong and know not a single moment goes by that I don't think of you.”

All my love now and always, Joshua. Xxx

With her head resting on her knees and her arms wrapped around her legs, Angelina cried until she could cry no more. The pain was crippling; she wondered how she could go on living without him. All she knew at this point in time was that nothing could heal her broken heart, not now, not ever. Holding Joshua's letter close to her chest, she walked out of the lodge and up to the lake’s edge, allowing the cold water to run over her bare feet. Looking out across the vast sparkling lake before her, she wondered how Joshua had met his fate. Believing now she would never see him again, she took the bottle of pills out of her pocket and opened them, pouring the contents into the palm of her hand. She took one, then another and then another, finally forcing herself to stop at three. She threw the pills down onto the ground before falling on to her knees and crying uncontrollably out loud. She couldn't do it; a part of her wanted to end her life so badly but she could not find it within herself to do it.

Her thoughts were spinning around in her head like a roller coaster that had come off the rails; she was confused, she couldn't think straight. She needed to find something to focus on, to believe in, to keep her going. Then thoughts of those awful shocking words filtered through to the front of her mind. Missing in Action, what the hell does that mean? Suddenly it was as if she had awakened from a long deep sleep for the first time in weeks. “No, no, no, I will never believe he's dead, not unless they find a body.” She screamed out loud, surprising herself as she drifted back towards the lodge, full of anger towards herself for giving in to her weaker side.

During her lowest moment, she had a moment of pure clarity, one that brought her back from the brink and suddenly she could see once again. Joshua and his men had come under enemy fire, an ambush which was totally unexpected. Insurgents had blown up the vehicle that Joshua was travelling in whilst out on operations. Three bodies were found and one dog tag, Joshua's. They never found Joshua's body.

It came as a complete surprise to her when she was informed by the military what had happened and that Joshua had put her down as his next of kin. She had lost two great men in less than four years. Whenever she got close to someone, they were taken away from her in the most brutal of circumstances. Going over the events of that day, she couldn't make sense out of any of it. Eyes wide open for the first time since Joshua had gone missing, Angelina once again reached out towards hope and held it tight, clinging to the tiniest shred of possibility.

She had no interest in seeing anyone, she hadn't showed her face at work since receiving the news and she hadn't called anyone, including Lucy and Richard, for over a week. Angelina had simply retreated from the world and spent as much time as possible at the lodge. She sent Lucy the odd message, telling her she just needed to be alone right now and not to worry, more to keep her off her back than anything else. She knew what they were thinking and they were right to be worried, as she came so close to ending her life. The pain she was feeling was so deeply rooted she hadn't seen clearly for some time.

Lucy woke up early and headed out to the lodge. She didn't care whether Angelina wanted to be alone or not, she was worried about her and would never forgive herself if Angelina did anything stupid. And right now that seemed a distinct possibility. She was adamant she was going to get through to her friend if it was the last thing she ever did. It took less than twenty minutes for Lucy to reach the lodge. She saw Angelina packing her things into her car.

“
Hey there, how are you? I've been so worried about you,” said Lucy as she approached.

“
Lucy, I'm so sorry I've worried you so much. You were right to be worried about me. Lucy, I came so close, so very close to doing something really stupid.”

Lucy held out her arms and Angelina fell into them willingly.
“Don't you ever leave me, Angelina, do you hear me? Don't ever do that to me. I would be lost without you.” Lucy and Angelina hugged tightly until Angelina finally prised herself away.

“
I can promise you now I won't ever do anything stupid,” Angelina assured her. “But I won't ever recover from losing Joshua, I never want to be with anyone else, Lucy. He was the one and now he's most likely gone forever, although I will never quite believe it until they retrieve a body.”

“
Look, Angelina, there is something I've been meaning to talk to you about, only the time never seemed right. Joshua's father has been in touch with Richard; he has been asking about you and wants to meet you. I think it's part of his own healing process. Whatever type of father he was, he too has been devastated by his son's death. He's full of remorse and admitted he failed Joshua while he was growing up. It's completely up to you whether or not you see him. I just wanted to pass it on. Here is his number should you choose to meet with him.”

Angelina was shocked; she had heard about Joshua's father but had never met him. She wasn't quite sure how she felt about seeing him; this was the last thing she was expecting. It brought goose bumps to the surface of her weary skin. She would need to think on it for a few days.
“Thanks, Lucy, I will bear it in mind. Look, I'm going back to my cottage today you will be pleased to know. I'm not ready to go back to work though, it's too soon. I just need to come to terms with what's happened. There is a part of me that cannot accept he's dead, if there's no body then there is still hope, surely,” said Angelina with a desperate look in her eyes.

Lucy just nodded sympathetically. She just hoped Angelina would find a way to come to terms with the fact Joshua was never coming back. Kendal town had held a special service for Joshua at the local church the week before. Hundreds of people had turned up, but not Angelina, who could not face it or the people, for that matter. She did not want to hear them talking about Joshua in the past tense; she was not ready to accept that he was gone forever. It was bad enough reading the tragic news about him in her local paper, it was front page news and her own company had run it. Geoffrey had warned her in advance out of respect. She understood they were a newspaper and that's what they do so she'd headed off to the lodge to be alone with her memories, away from telephones and the media.

The lodge provided her with an invisible blanket which she could hide under. There was no other place in the world where Angelina felt as close to Joshua. She recalled their walks together and even the disgruntled woman who walked past them while they were kissing on the grass and clearly disapproved of them. She remembered the very first time they'd made love and the first time she’d woken up next to him. She had been so happy and content and had everything she'd ever wanted.

With a heavy heart, she retrieved a pen from the drawer and the note pad from her bag that Joshua had bought for her and started to pen a poem. This had become a way to release her emotions of late and it helped to keep them in check. It was the only way she could understand her own tortured mind right now. The escapism was therapeutic, it was helping slightly. It was like coming up for air after being submerged under water for too long. She kept repeating to herself,
“This world belongs to no one.” Penning her words slowly, she glanced over her thoughts emerging in the form of real words, sitting there in black and white. Once complete, she titled it “This world belongs to no one.” It seemed the only fit title. She took a deep breath and sat back in the over-sized sofa and then read the poem back to herself:

This world belongs to no one,

It was provided for us to share.

We’re simply renting space down here,

The people seem not to care.

We fight our wars to no avail,

We arm our young with guns.

While in the distance mothers wail,

For their precious fallen sons;

Their grandfathers, uncles and husbands too.

Will these desperate wars ever end?

Have they been worth it for the fallen few?

I ask my country on which I depend.

Chapter Twenty One

The following week, Angelina finally agreed to meet with Joshua's father, after much pleading on his behalf. They met at a neutral place in Kendal. He was nothing like she had expected at all. He was a short rotund man, who looked like any other father who had recently lost his son, completely bereft. He told Angelina how he wished he could have done things differently, treated Joshua and his mother better and given them both the life they deserved. He told her how he had been consumed by drink and that for the last three years, he'd been sober and was still taking it one day at a time. He had a great sponsor and was in a new relationship, following the breakdown of his second marriage to the woman he'd left Joshua's mother for. He told her how he had been thinking of contacting Joshua for a long time, to make things right between them somehow, to say sorry. Angelina listened intently to Joshua's father and how he would never forgive himself for how he treated him.

She in turn told Christopher how she and Joshua had met and how he'd swept her off her feet. She told him of their engagement and how this was going to be Joshua's last tour. Christopher looked down at Angelina's hand, a look of recognition flashing across his face when he saw his own father's ring on Angelina's wedding finger. “He gave this to me right before he left for Afghanistan; he said it was his grandfather’s ring.”

“
Yes, yes, it was my father’s ring.” Christopher's eyes filled up and he looked away as he wiped the tears from his face.

Angelina placed her hand over his.
“Thank you for getting in touch with me, Christopher. I know Joshua would be proud of you right at this moment.” They got up to leave after a brief hug and went their separate ways. They knew they would never see each other again.