By My Side (17 page)

              There's no noise in the house. No broken glass. No bottles clinking. No nothing. The blood left my face. I was dizzy. Mom. Still in pajamas, I ran to my mother's bedroom and opened the door with force. The air smelled sour. The curtains were closed. Bottles littered the floor. My brain wasn't registering anything except her figure on the unmade bed. She wasn't moving, at all. Her chest was still. Oh God!

             
A hand on my mouth to keep the scream in, I knelt down to her bedside. I placed my free hand under her nose, but she wasn't breathing. It wasn't a trick of the dark atmosphere in the room. My breathing increased. I bit down hard on my tongue, and I tasted blood. She was so cold, so cold.

              With shaking hands, I called 911. I didn't even know what I was doing, but I was doing something. I came back to reality when a man in his fifties gently pushed me away from her. My arms were painful. The cardiac massage didn't do anything. She's dead. When I was sleeping, she fell in an alcoholic coma and stopped breathing.

             
“Miss, we have to take her to the mortuary. Do you want to call somebody?” I realized I was still in the man's arms when I saw the two others leaving with my mom in a black bag, Oh God!

             
“I'll go to a friend's house,” I said in shock. I was shaking from head to toe. It was a nightmare. It couldn't be true, right?

              “Are you sure you can drive?” Drive? Maybe. Who cared? She's dead. Dead. The word echoed in my head.

             
“Yes. I just ... You'll take her to the hospital?”

              “Yes, miss. You can go to see her if you want, but I think it would be better if you waited after the morticians take care of her body.”

             
“Okay, so I have to see my friend now. Thank you,” I said in shock, my voice hollow in the stillness of the house. Everything felt huge except me. I felt even shorter than usual.

              I was alone. I sobbed violently and screamed loudly. I fell on my knees. No, I couldn't stay here like that. I needed him. He would understand. Yeah, he would.

In my pajamas, I ran to my car and drove faster than I ever drove, my tears blinding me. The world was blurry. I knocked at the wooden door violently. Granny opened the door to see what wrong.

              “Lily! What's wrong?”

             
I was still sobbing loudly when I came in, Granny supporting me and questioning me. I couldn't answer her. Mr. and Mrs. Green ran to me when Granny called them. Mrs. Green tried to give me a glass of water, but I couldn't drink it.

              The fuss notified Andy and Gabe, who came to see what’s happening. Andy stayed paralyzed in the hallway. Gabe ran to me and hugged me tightly. I gripped him with all my strength, my nose running on his Metallica T-shirt. I couldn't even breathe.

              “Calm down. Breathe. Just breathe, Lily,” he whispered in my ear, his low voice helping me enough to try to talk.

             
“She's dead, Gabe.”

             
“Oh, Lily, I'm here,” he said. 

             
He made me move to the couch in the living room, his arms securely around me. We sat down. I hid my face in his chest. Only Gabe understood what it was about. The others knew something awful happened, but they didn't understand what. I couldn't say it aloud again, and Gabe knew it without a word.

              “Her mother died,” he said slowly. His heartbeat increased. He knew this all too well.

             
“What? But what happened?” Granny asked with a horrified expression on her face. I saw it. I was breathing easier, and my tears weren't running as hard. Feeling Gabe with me helped. Knowing he somehow understood helped, too.

             
“When they divorced she began to drink alcohol. She died during the night in an alcoholic coma.” My voice was tiny, but everybody heard. Andy sat down next to me and put a hand on my shoulder. He's here, too. “I should have told the doctor the last time.”

              “Don't say that. She lied to the doctor, and to herself. It's not your fault. Remember what you told me at the lake.” Yeah, but it felt different now. I had to be tough. I had things to take in charge. I'll cry over her later.

             
“I have to call my father. I've got things to do for the funeral.”

              “You don't have to take charge of it, honey,” Mrs. Green said softly.

             
“He won't do it.” I stood up, startling them all. I was in overdrive. “Can I use your cell phone? I forgot mine,” I asked Gabe, who gave it to me with a frown. I didn't even leave the room. I didn't care anymore if someone could hear how my father was an ass. I wasn't expecting anything from him.

             
“Hi Dad,” I said, my voice hard and cold. I didn't want to feel anything other than anger. It's easier to manage.

             
“Hi, Lily. What now?” He sounded bored. He won't stay bored for too long.

             
“Well, I know she wasn't your wife anymore, and you don't care about us, but she died last night.”

             
Silence. He's in shock, and he wasn't the only one. Everyone here was, too. I knew I didn't have the right to talk to my father like that, or be cold about her death, but Gabe and Andy explained what happened with my dad. I saw on their face understanding and pity. I hated pity.

             
“Elizabeth is dead?” Wow. He's slow.

             
“Yeah, I tried to tell you she had a problem.”

             
“And you didn't tell a doctor?” he asked, accusation in his voice. He didn't care about her, but now I was the one to blame. I knew it was my fault. I knew it, damn it! Tears fell again.

             
“I know I should have done something,” I murmured in the phone.

             
“No!” Gabe shouted, furious. He took his phone and brought it to his ear. “Lily is not the adult here, Mr. Saunders. You're a huge bastard to tell her it's her fault. I'm telling you this, if you hurt her one more time ... Yeah, I'm threatening you.” He hung up.

             
“Gabe,” His father said disapprovingly.

             
“Tell me you didn't want to say it to him.”

             
Gabe was breathing hard. Andy softly smiled. He was proud of his older brother for the first time in his life. Mrs. Green and Granny were talking too fast and too low for me to hear what it was about.

             
Mr. Green said nothing, but started up a cigarette. Gabe and his father shared this habit it seemed. So what now? I had to go to the only funeral home in our little town to prepare everything and to give the information to the hospital where her body was.

              “Honey, it would be better if you stayed here for the night. You can borrow some of my clothes.” Mrs. Green said, with a fake smile that didn't reach her eyes. Her hand on my cheek brought back happy memories of my mom.

             
“Thank you, but I have to organize the funeral and clean her room. It's a mess.”

             
“No, Lily.” Granny stopped me, who sat down with a sigh. “Stay here. We'll take charge of everything. Don't worry about it right now.” No, I had to. It's my fault. I had to do something.

             
“No. It's ... I have to do it for her.”

             
“Hey,” Gabe put both hands on my still damp face and looked me in the eyes, “nothing is your fault. You don't have to be the adult here. Even more, you're a minor, so they probably won't let you organize everything alone.”

              “Gabe's right,” Andy added to everyone's surprise. “But you can still choose the flowers and the music, and even write something to read for the funeral if you want.”

I was so tired. Their expectant faces made me agree with reluctance. This family was too good for me.

              I sobbed once again, and Gabe hugged me tightly like he wanted to take away my pain. I deserved this pain, or maybe not. I was just seventeen! I knew I didn't have to take care of my mother, and I never could have prevented what happened, but in my heart I felt like I had to. She was my family, and I failed her. What will happen to me?

             
I fell asleep on the couch in Gabe's arms. I listened to his steady heartbeat, finding it reassuring. One arm around my waist and the other on my back, I felt like I could breathe again. I had no dreams, or not that I remembered, but I was still so tired.

              Gabe must have felt I was awake because his eyes locked with mine. He didn't pity me or say everything would be okay. He just looked at me while holding me against his hot and alive body.

             
“Where's everybody?” I asked in a croaked voice after all the crying and the nap.

             
“Running some errands for the funeral, I preferred to stay here with you. Is it okay?”

             
More than okay, it's unbelievable how fast the funeral had to be organized. Before, I thought we could have just one day to cry over our loss, but no. The industry of the death will never die! I don’t have the heart to make sarcastic comment in my head, but I tried nevertheless. It's weird, but it helped me to deal with everything.

             
“I'm glad you chose to stay.” I ran my fingers on his Metallica T-shirt. It's still damp from my tears. “I really need you now, more than ever.”

              “I'm here.”

             
“Even with Andy by my side?” I asked him, afraid he would turn me down.

             
“Yeah, you'll have the two infamous Green brothers by your side,” he replied, with a tiny smile that didn't reach his beautiful gray eyes. They were sad for me, but also shadowed by all the memories that were certainly rushing back in his mind about Connor.

             
“Somehow I'm lucky.”

             
We were still looking at each other. I was so confused about everything. If only he could tell me regardless of ending up with my father, or somewhere else, he would stay with me. If only I knew what to do about myself.

             
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked me. I wasn't sure about that, but I knew with Gabe I could.

             
“There's not very much to say. I woke up and drank some coffee in my bedroom and I read for two hours. There wasn't any noise, so I headed to her room and found her,” I said, speaking fast, turning off my feelings. I didn't want to cry anymore. My eyes were already puffy and my entire body was in pain.

             
“When you want to stop the tough act, don't forget I'm here, Andy too.” I hadn't expected they would be so great towards each other … for me. They could be side by side sometimes. Of course, I hoped they didn't need a death for that every time.