Captive (27 page)

Growling he barks,

“Bullshit Lex, fucking bullshit you
have
to do this. I’m only trying to keep you safe. You don’t know these assholes, you don’t know if they’re good guys, or if you’ll end up fucking dead in an alley somewhere. Save me the fucking drama would you, I’m only looking out for you, and if you thought about it for a second instead of being pissed as hell you’d see that’s what this is.”

He doesn’t think I’ve thought about it? I’ve thought about nothing but this. For years I’ve considered what I’d do if I got to the point where I couldn’t have him, if I had to move on without him. Initially the pain I felt when I considered not having Glock in my life was extreme, I hated the possibility of not knowing where he was, what he was doing, and if he was okay. No matter what, I also knew there wouldn’t be a day in my future I wouldn’t love him, but that didn’t mean I would be able to keep him with me. As I got older I realised the day I feared most was indeed inevitable, and it was coming sooner than I thought, I just hadn’t thought it would be this soon.

I know without a doubt what I’m about to do is going to break my heart, shatter it into millions of tiny unrepairable pieces, but I can’t see any other way to make him realise that I’m all grown up and in control of my own life. Silently I pray to whoever’s listening Glock doesn’t end up as broken by this as I will be, but regardless my decision is made. My first decision as the new, improved adult version of the Alexis he knew.

“Leave Glock, and when you go don’t call me, don’t come around anymore, and don’t show up at work to see me either. Just leave me alone, I don’t want to see you anymore.”

With his hand on the doorknob, clutching it like his life depends on it, Glock turns to me piercing me with his angry gaze.

“I’ll be around when you get over this shit Lex, but don’t wait too long, yeah? I won’t wait forever.”

If there is any fear I have greater than losing him to begin with it’s that…that I will never get him back.

“Sarcasm…I sprinkle that shit on everything!”

-
      
Rotten eCards

It’s a lie, everything I said to her was a straight up, dirty fucking lie. I’d wait forever for Alexis Rose Marks, some would say I already have. She doesn’t know it, my brothers don’t know it, her dad sure as fuck doesn’t know it, and I’m not sure I realised until now that’s what I’ve been doing, but it makes perfect sense. There’s not a woman in the world that can compare to Lex. She swears like a sailor, doesn’t put up with anyone’s shit, and she has the biggest heart of anyone I’ve ever met. Lex is perfect for me.

She’s been my best friend since her phenomenal big blue eyes blinked up at me from the swing set of the Devil’s Spawn MC clubhouse. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t talk to her, see her, text her, or think about her. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to honour her wishes to stay away from her, because it’s become second nature to me to seek her out. There’s something about Lex, something I can’t put my finger on, but the closest thing to an explanation I can come up with is that she’s magnetic. She draws you in and takes hold never letting go unless forced. And I suppose that’s what I’ve done; I’ve forced her to let go of me.

To be honest I can’t pinpoint the exact time my feelings toward Lex change, but it wasn’t until recently I know that much. For years I’ve looked out for her, made sure she’s taken care of, been a shoulder for her to cry on, or someone to bitch to when her dad’s too hard on her, and her brothers are a pain in her ass. I was her best friend and she was mine. We did everything together, I didn’t hesitate to pick up the phone to tell her about my shitty day, or ask her how hers was going. That was all going to change, and the thought sent me reeling.

It’d be another fucking dirty lie if I said I hadn’t noticed Lex growing up, because I had, it was hard
not
to notice her. At five-foot-seven with silky blonde hair reaching mid-back, her phenomenal blues eyes that are nearly translucent in colour suck you in, a bit like her personality. Her curves provoke images of days and nights spent in bed mapping them, tasting every inch of her skin. Her tits have to be at least two handfuls, topped by what I hope are cherry red tight little nipples. Lex’s waist is tiny enough my hands could span them easily, and her long ass fucking legs make me think of nothing other than having them wrapped around my back twice. Like I said, she’s fucking perfect.

I’ve let Lex think the thirteen year age difference between us bothers me when it doesn’t, not in the slightest. Maybe it should, but I can’t bring myself to care. I get that I’m a fucking thirty-three year old man lusting after a nineteen-year-old, but in Lex’s case there’s nothing immature about her, she’s all woman. And after the struggles I’ve faced in my life to date I figure I’m due for some good, and Lex is my something good,

Priest found me in a back alley off one of the main streets in Boulder when I was fifteen eating out of a dumpster. He brought me back to Blackwater, put me up with Vic and Sheila, and made sure I stayed on the straight and narrow until I was old enough to prospect for Devil’s Spawn. That time of my life I’d sooner forget than relive, but I know if I intend to prove to Lex I’m serious about her I’m going to have to come clean with my secrets, broken pieces and all.

In any other set of circumstances, if she were any other woman, I would have run for the hills at the attraction I feel for her, but with Lex that’s impossible. It would be like removing a perfectly healthy limb, like
choosing
not to ride anymore. And that’s not a fucking option. That’s when it clicks, there’s no way I’m going to be able to abide by her wishes and stay away from her. It’s going to happen, and Lex is fucking deluded if she thinks she or I will make it a week without seeing each other.

When it comes to Lex and I having a relationship there aren’t many options open to me to make it happen. That’s why I haven’t made a move on her yet. It’s why I haven’t made her my woman, claimed her, or given her my patch no matter how much I’ve wanted to since the day she turned eighteen.

My first choice would be to approach Cage and tell him I want to make his daughter my old lady, but I have no fucking doubt if I take that route he’ll beat the ever-loving-shit out of me. That in and of itself isn’t an problem, however, the very real possibility that he’ll end up killing me, cutting up my body, and disposing of it in the woods kind of defeats the point of going to him in the first place doesn’t it?

Lex’s grandpa Pipe, and by marriage her grandpa Priest, will order my death and dismemberment faster than I can blink, that’s also a guarantee. And the rest of my brothers…well they’ll probably take turns kicking the shit out of me before the other men in her life get a chance to do their worst. Not to mention her brother by blood Wheels, and what might as well be her brother, that’s what she refers to him as, Cody.

Even though he’s still only a kid, Wheels is a fucking machine, and Cody’s no slouch either. Wheels is built like his dad, and at thirteen has an attitude to match. Cody might be a bit more laid back, but at fifteen he could still do some damage if he wanted to. Both of them are fiercely protective of Lex and Emmaline, I’d hate to be on the receiving end of their wrath if they set their minds to destroying someone that hurt one of their sisters.

I can openly admit Wheels is the one of the two I’d be the most scared of if I was capable of feeling fear though. It’s not that the kid’s physically intimidating, I mean I’ve got a few inches on him and at least forty pounds, so that’s not it, but Wheels is dangerous because he’s scarily brilliant in his ability to mastermind retaliation. And if there’s one thing I know for sure it’s that if you fuck with his sister Wheels’ wrath will be handed down swiftly, and without mercy. Yeah, this isn’t going to end well for me, I can see it now.

What it boils down to is being left with two choices. Both choices have the potential to backfire horrifically, but Lex is worth it, so I try not to think about that side of it.

Choice one…I give Lex some space to sort this shit out for herself. Space for her to realise I’m only trying to keep her safe and protected. Sure, part of me hanging around, and running these worthless douchebags off is selfish, and has nothing to do with protecting her, but for the most part it truly is because she’s a beautiful woman living in a world filled with men that would happily take advantage of her innocent nature.

Of course there’s the other side of it too. The one where I don’t want other men touching her, kissing her, or even holding her hand. It doesn’t sit well with me, it makes me fucking burn with rage, but until I claim her, make her officially mine, there’s not a lot I can do about it other than what I’ve been doing already.

My concern regarding choice one is what constitutes as too much space? I worry that if I leave her alone for too long, what happens if she moves on with someone else, someone that will never love her as much as I do? And I do love her, I always have. It’s just that the love I feel for her now is so much more than the love I had for the kid that stole one of the many broken pieces of my heart. It’s a love that a man feels for a woman, the woman that will own him mind, body, and soul.

That brings me to choice two, and this is the one that has the biggest risk, for her and me…I do what every fibre of my being is telling me to and fight for her. I fight for our friendship, for the woman that will be mine in every way no matter what I have to do to make that happen. My issue choosing to follow through with this choice is that there’s a good chance I’ll end up dead before I have the chance to kiss her the way I want to. That I won’t get the opportunity to worship her beautiful body. And the fact that I might not live to claim her, make her my wife, put my patch on her back declaring her my old lady. Worse still, I might not live long enough to plant my babies in her, watch her grow round with our children, see her love them the way I know she will. I want all that and more with my Lex, and it would kill me not to experience every beautiful aspect of the life she could give us together.

I know after watching her close the door in my face, seeing the way her face crumpled when I didn’t stay and fight, and the way her body begged me to stay that I don’t have long to make my choice. If I’m being honest I already know what I need to do, what I want to do, what I have to do. My choice was made for me the day I met her. The second her phenomenal eyes locked with mine and she gave me the biggest smile I’ve ever got, I knew I would do anything to keep her in my life. I would go to the ends of the Earth to make sure she was happy, protected, cherished, and first and foremost, mine.

I know this journey isn’t going to be easy, nothing in my life has been, but no matter how hard the fight, how long, and how many casualties this is a fight I intend to win…

SPECIAL NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

Some of the subject matter in this book might have been confronting to some readers, but it’s with heavy heart, and aching fingers I tell you that from personal experience I can understand your pain while reading it.

I can assure you I found it just as confronting having to write it.

That said, this was a journey for me, one that took a lot of twists and turns before reaching its end, but after it was over I felt as if I had done my experiences justice by writing it.

I am so happy I got to share a part of me through this book I wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. I realise the sensitive subject nature might not be to everyone’s taste, but please keep in mind that while you may not care for the content it is an intensely emotional, personal struggle that women worldwide face on a daily basis.

From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you for taking this journey with me, and I hope that you have found it as freeing as I have.

…Natasha Thomas