Carolyn Jessop; Laura Palmer (10 page)

One of Uncle Roy’s more than twelve wives came over to me with a huge smile. She told me how much God must love me to bless me with a man like Merril. She urged me to come to his table and have some birthday cake.

Merril’s wives Barbara and Ruth were on either side of him. When he saw me he told Ruth to go sit somewhere else. But there weren’t any other empty places, so she left the room. After we finished eating, my father got up to leave. I followed him and went back to the hotel in his van.

A short while later, Merril arrived at the hotel and knocked on the door of my father’s room. He chatted with my father as he gathered up my things. He picked up my suitcase and a box that contained my shoes. I was in a complete panic. As he walked out of the room, I could feel the eyes of everyone else saying,
Aren’t you going to go with him?

Silently, I screamed,
No.

Merril turned and looked at me. “Carolyn, are you coming? This stuff is kind of heavy.” It was the most he had ever said to me.

I must have looked like a miserable wreck standing there in my wedding dress. All I could think of was that my life was really over as I followed him into the hallway.

Merril had forgotten where our room was. I lagged behind him as we walked up and down the halls of the Comfort Inn.

Eventually, we stopped in front of a room, and when Merril put the key in the door it opened.

We were alone for the first time. He put my suitcase down along with the box filled with my shoes. He sat on the bed and turned on the TV. I moved to a corner in the room, sat at a small table, and said nothing. After twenty minutes, he said he was going to check on the rest of the family and left the room.

I got into bed. It had been two days since my father told me about my impending marriage. I had barely slept in those forty-eight hours and I was crushed with exhaustion. When Merril returned a few hours later, he turned on the TV and turned up the volume.

“It would be nice if we talked a little bit to each other,” he said.

I told him I was extremely tired and just wanted to sleep.

“That’s okay,” he said.

He turned off the lights, took off his clothes except for his long underwear, and got into bed with me.

He sat in the bed and stared at me.

I was paralyzed. We didn’t even know each other. There was no way I was going to consummate the marriage.

But I didn’t have that choice.

He started kissing me. I felt gross. Nothing could be worse. Then he put his hands down the front of my nightgown and began to rub my breasts. His hands were cool and clammy. I had never been that close to a man before and certainly not without my clothes.

I acted as repulsed as I felt, which seemed to feed something in him. He removed my nightgown and underwear and shifted his body on top of mine. I felt even more powerless than I had when my father told me I must marry.

Merril spread my legs apart but could not get an erection. I felt angry, humiliated, and embarrassed. Should I fight him? I began to try to free myself, and after a few minutes he released his hold on me.

I scrambled out of the bed, confused and disoriented, and found my clothes on the other side of the room. I was shaking so hard I couldn’t get dressed. I felt myself gasping for breath. I sat on the floor by the foot of the bed. I felt so unsafe.

Merril got dressed and sat on the edge of the bed, saying that he felt it was important to be respectful of a lady’s feelings, but in reality he was covering up his own inadequacies.

I said I was tired and wanted to sleep. He didn’t seem to care; he just stretched out on the bed and moments later began to snore. I got back into bed and stared at the ceiling until I finally fell asleep.

When I awakened in the morning, Merril was in the shower. He dressed and left the room without saying a word.

As soon as he was gone, I showered and dressed. I was about to leave and find my father’s family when Merril returned.

“Come with me,” he said. I picked up my luggage and followed him to his van. He moved some things around so there would be a place for my bags. I felt panicked.

We went to breakfast at a place nearby. Merril introduced me to some men there as his new wife. They were happy and excited for Merril. I felt like a complete object. One of the men made some lame joke that compared a new wife to a dog. Merril laughed and said dogs were better because they were more loyal. He made another joke comparing marriage to a bath. “Once you get into it, it’s not so hot.” The other men laughed. I had never felt so degraded.

After breakfast, we gathered outside in the parking lot. My father started talking to Merril about going to an auction in Oregon. Merril sent the rest of his family home. There was no talk of a honeymoon. We got in his van and headed to Oregon.

I kept thinking about my missing my finals.

Newlywed

T
raveling was a relief because I didn’t have to talk to Merril. My father, his wife Rosie, and my father’s business partner were traveling with us to the auction in Oregon, which we reached two days later. Merril didn’t speak to me in the van. It was business as usual for him. But for me, everything had changed.

The shock from the night before was still too much for me to absorb. I didn’t understand anything about sex and had never thought it could be as crude and brutal as it had been. I did think a man should be sensitive to a woman’s feelings and that Merril didn’t have a right to touch me if I didn’t want to be touched. I was so naive, I thought he should at least have asked me before he tried anything on our wedding night. He knew how sexually inexperienced I was, but clearly that didn’t matter to him.

My father and Rosie were happy about my marriage, which made it feel even more surreal. If they loved me, how could they have let me go through something so hateful? I knew they thought Merril was a man of God and would never do anything hurtful or wrong in God’s eyes. My parents thought that my marriage was a blessing from God because it had been revealed through the prophet. My happiness, in their view, was dependent on my willingness to do the will of God, no matter how painful that might be to me.

At night, when we were alone in the motel, Merril would spend most of his time watching TV or consoling Barbara on the phone. She was unhappy about being left behind. He kept assuring her that he loved her. I said nothing and in bed tried to avoid any contact with him. Once when he tried to caress my breast I stiffened in terror and he quit.

The next day Merril bought some construction equipment at the auction. I listened to the bidding and selling and felt that I was just another piece of property that Merril owned. Merril called Barbara several times during the day. I didn’t want him to pay attention to me, but I thought he’d at least acknowledge my presence or speak to me in the van. I was used to being treated like a person.

We spent the last day of our trip driving through California’s redwood forest and shopping in San Francisco’s Chinatown. My father had been in real estate and often took us with him when he had to travel. I’d been to San Francisco and the redwood forest with him several times before when I was younger. I was fortunate to have seen as much as I did before I married Merril because it opened my eyes and taught me a lot about the world outside my own. But it felt weird to see these places with a strange man and know that he was now my husband.

Merril made a big point of buying some cheap Chinese fans for his daughters and wives. We drove through much of the night to get back home to Colorado City. Merril stayed with me for an hour or two before heading into Barbara’s bedroom.

My first impression the next morning was that the house was immaculate and well organized. I’d soon see that this was a sham.

The first clue that something might be off was when Ruth came out of the kitchen, where she’d been preparing breakfast, to greet Merril, who’d emerged from Barbara’s room showered and dressed. He kissed her and said, “It’s good to see you, Ruthie.”

Ruth nodded stiffly. “It is very good to see you. It was hard not to talk to you all week.”

That seemed odd. Merril was always on the phone. I’d assumed when he wasn’t talking to Barbara, he was speaking to his other wives, Ruth and Faunita. Merril responded by asking Ruth to gather up his beautiful daughters and lovely wives. He took my hand and led me back into my bedroom. Kissing me, he asked me to get the fans we’d bought in Chinatown.

I dug the fans out of my suitcase and went into the kitchen. Barbara was there, and I noticed her eyes were red and swollen. It looked like she had been crying all night. Merril’s ten teenage daughters—the nusses—surrounded him like a tribe of smiling girls. He had four other daughters between the ages of nine and twelve and they were part of the adoring chorus around him. Everyone seemed excited about the fans from Chinatown. It seemed fake and unnatural to me, but not to them.

After the fans were handed out to his wives and daughters, Merril turned and handed me the last one, saying, “This fan is for my lovely wife Carolyn as a memory of our first trip together.” He then announced that he and Barbara were leaving that morning for Page and his construction company. Merril told me to help Ruth in the kitchen and spend time getting to know his family.

As soon as Merril left, I went into his office and called my teachers at school. I was desperate to reschedule my finals and relieved when I found out I could still get credit for my classes if I took my exams that week, which I could—the community college was in town and used the same building as the regular school.

I finished all my finals by Friday, came home, and collapsed. The last two weeks had severed me from the only life I’d ever known. I knew Merril would never let me go to medical school, and it was pushing it to even get to be a teacher.

I’d heard he needed a new secretary in Page. Barbara was his traveling secretary. Margaret, Merril’s oldest daughter, had been the other secretary who worked in the office, but she’d gotten married and was now living in Salt Lake City. Merril needed help, and fast. I was afraid he might force me to take her job and quit school. Merril had said something about it to me on his way out the door with Barbara earlier in the week.

The next morning I went for a bike ride with Audrey, who was twenty and Merril’s oldest unmarried daughter—the nuss princess who had held up graduation. Audrey was graceful and quite pretty. I’d always liked her, even though she was a nuss, because she didn’t put on airs and pretend to be superior to her sisters.

I asked her if she thought Merril might force me to become his secretary. “Barbara has been his traveling secretary. But she has nine children she never sees. It makes more sense for him to start using you since you’re a young wife with no children,” she said. “This would give Barbara a chance to be with her kids.”

“Audrey, do you really think she wants to be home with her children while I’m away with Merril? Your father called her constantly on the trip and spent ten times more time comforting her than he did doing anything else. I can’t see how she’d be happy with me taking her place.”

Audrey was quiet for a moment, carefully considering her words before she spoke. “Well, maybe she needs to learn what it is like to be the one who has to stay home rather than be the one who gets all the rewards and abuses everyone else.”

I didn’t know much about the family yet, but I knew I did not want to be involved with teaching someone else a painful lesson. It seemed that if Barbara had really wanted to be home with her children, she could have split the travel time with Merril’s other wives.

“Carolyn, right after you married Father, all of Barbara’s children were talking about you being the wife to travel with him. They were hoping that she would stay home with them. They all want their mother. They’re excited because now they think there’s a chance they might have a mom.”

I asked Audrey what Barbara in fact did as Merril’s traveling secretary. “When I’ve been in the office, all I’ve ever seen her do is color flowers and call Father on the radio every two minutes. She’d take him drinks on the job and then go out to dinner with him every night.”

I told Audrey that I thought the last thing Barbara wanted in Page was another of Merril’s wives. “I haven’t gotten one warm feeling or gesture from her,” I said. “I don’t think she’s happy that I married her husband.”

Audrey didn’t miss a beat. “Of course she’s not happy about you marrying Father. She’s been his only wife ever since he married her, and you might change that.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and looked at Audrey in shock. “What do you mean, she is your father’s only wife?”

Audrey suddenly looked stricken. “I think I have said too much already. We really should be getting home.”

My head was spinning. Why didn’t Audrey want to talk to me any more about what was going on in this strange family I’d just married into? For eighteen years, I’d always known where I stood and what was expected of me. Even though my mother was abusive, I grew up in a home that was very structured, and my father was exceedingly well organized. But in less than two weeks, ever since I’d asked my father if I could go to college, my world had turned upside down.

That weekend was tense. Merril spent one night in my bedroom. He didn’t interact with the rest of the family at all. He and Barbara went into town on Saturday and spent the rest of the day in her bedroom talking. He didn’t say goodbye to anyone when he left for Page on Monday morning. Nancy, one of Merril’s daughters, went with him. I was hoping this meant she might be taking Margaret’s job. More than anything, I wanted to stay in college. It was absolutely the only chance I had to make something of myself. It was a tiny plot of solid ground on which I would have at least a foothold on a future.

The next weekend was equally tense. Merril spent both nights in my room and on Monday morning asked me to bring coffee to him in his office. Barbara was sitting in a chair next to her desk. Her long wavy hair was a rich auburn. She was only about five foot four, but after nine children she weighed close to two hundred pounds. Merril took a sip of coffee before he spoke. “Barbie, I’ve decided to have Carolyn come with us to Page this week.”

She looked betrayed. Anger swept over her face as she stared at Merril. “I thought you and I discussed this and we both decided Carolyn wasn’t coming to Page.”

Merril shot right back. “She’s not going to be working at Page. I’m taking her on a little trip this week.”

Barbara looked like the wind had been sucked right out of her. Her voice was quivering as she looked at Merril and said, “When are you going to take me on a little trip?” Then she fled out of the room in tears.

I wanted to throw up. Merril laughed. He said he needed to check on some paperwork in Barbara’s bedroom and left the office. He stayed in Barbara’s room for a long time.

I sat in Merril’s office and tried to process what I’d just seen. My father made every effort to treat his two wives fairly. There was never any explosive tension between them. Audrey’s comment about Barbara being Merril’s only wife was unsettling. It was clear that when Merril was home, he spent no time with either Faunita or Ruth. When he was away and called home, Barbara was the only wife he talked to. It was also clear that she saw me as a threat. Every time Merril spent the night with me it seemed he’d spend the entire next day making it up to Barbara. I detested being in the middle of conflict—just hated it.

I went into the kitchen to help Ruth make lunch for the preschoolers. Ruth wore her black hair in a tight knot. She looked unhealthy; her face was sunken and hollow. Merril came in after an hour or so and said I wouldn’t be traveling with him after all. He and Barbara had decided that I should stay home and help Ruth with the cooking, housework, and laundry. But there was more. “Barbara has decided that Jackson [her nine-month-old son] is old enough to stay at home now. We both feel that you should be the one to take care of him and make sure he has everything he needs while his mother is gone.”

I had never taken care of a baby for more than a few hours. My shock gave way to fury as I realized I was a pawn in their game. Barbara called the shots in this family. Merril pretended to wield power but it was a façade. Ultimately, he kowtowed to Barbara’s every demand. If she had her way, I’d never go to college.

They left without saying goodbye or giving me any instructions about Jackson. I went to find him when I realized they were gone. He was careening around in a walker in a drenched diaper when I spotted him. I sat beside him, overwhelmed. What was I supposed to do with him? I knew nothing about his schedule, how many bottles a day he took, or how much solid food he ate. His sister, who was not quite six, was watching him. I couldn’t believe Barbara hadn’t even said goodbye to them or bothered to change his diaper.

Ruth was on a cleaning rampage. She was tearing the house apart, washing walls, scrubbing corners, and emptying shelves. This seemed to be her response to Merril taking me as wife number four. I assumed she was channeling all her emotions into cleaning obsessively and her daughters were being forced to help. She always acted unhappy around me and often when I saw her I thought she looked like she’d just been crying.

Jackson didn’t eat much that first day. I began to worry. His stomach felt as hard as a rock. I tried to get him to sleep, but he wouldn’t stop crying. I was worried and called Page to speak to Barbara. Nancy told me they had gone to dinner. I said I needed to speak to her as soon as they came back because I was worried about Jackson.

Barbara never called. I stayed up with Jackson almost all night. He was so unhappy and fussy. At 6
A.M
. he finally took his bottle and went to sleep. Merril called around eight and asked how Jackson was doing. I said he’d cried most of the night but had finally fallen asleep early that morning. “Well, it sounds like we left him in capable hands,” Merril said.

I ignored the compliment and said, “I don’t understand why Barbara didn’t call last night to tell me what to do with her baby.”

Merril corrected me in a condescending tone. “Carolyn, he is
our
baby and as much your responsibility as Barbara’s.”

I told Merril that I thought Barbara knew a lot more about what her son needed than I did. Merril continued, “That will change. Barbara and I decided last night that it would be good for you to learn how to care for Jackson on your own without interference from either one of us.”

I was angry. How could they be so cruel both to Jackson and to me? Then Merril said I was to come to Page the next day and travel with him to Phoenix and California. I felt blindsided. Barbara had made it clear that she didn’t want me to travel with Merril. Who was going to take care of Jackson? “That will not be a problem,” Merril said. “I will arrange for his care. All you need to worry about is getting ready to come with me.”