Carolyn Jessop; Laura Palmer (9 page)

Then Margaret, who had been the one to throw us out of the party, came over the week afterward to try to clear up what she felt was a misunderstanding. Rosie, Annette, and I all sat quietly in the living room and listened to her state her case. She had been at the dress rehearsal and said she loved our song. She said the problem was Uncle Fred. He opposed it and had told her to talk to my cousins about doing something different.

She felt bad that we had not been at the party. After it was over, she said, Uncle Fred announced that every girl present at that party would obtain her salvation and make it into the highest degree of the Celestial Kingdom of God—the downtown of heaven. He didn’t have the power to make that actually come true. But Uncle Fred was so revered in the community as a godly man that his pronouncements were seen as the next best thing to divine intervention.

I couldn’t figure out her motivation. Was she trying to say that because we’d rebelled and not come up with another song, we were disgraced and would never obtain our salvation? I thought she had set up the meeting to apologize. But it seemed like the only point she wanted to make was that she and the other nusses were going to heaven and we were not.

My sewing teacher, Mrs. Johnson, was one of the few who stood up to the nusses. She had no patience for the way they assumed that rules did not apply to them. When it came time for parent-teacher conferences, Mrs. Johnson let Merril’s wife Ruth have it when she came up to her and said, “How are our girls doing?” Mrs. Johnson unleashed a tirade against the nusses. She told Ruth that her daughters were rude, none of them obeyed the rules, and she was tired of reminding them day after day of what was expected in class.

After that, suddenly the rules in sewing class applied to the nusses, too. It was the only classroom in the high school where that was true. (But Mrs. Johnson got some serious heat for the way she treated Ruth. In an effort to make amends with Merril’s family, she invited one of Merril’s other wives, Barbara, to honor our class by teaching us dance aerobics, which was a real hoot.)

I was one of the people the sewing teacher liked. She let me use her personal sewing machine and would allow me to leave class early if I had finished all my work.

Since sewing was my last class of the day, this was a real blessing when Brigham began following me home from school.

I didn’t know Brigham at all. We had never been in school together, plus he was a year ahead of me. But at the public school, we had a class together and for whatever reasons, he decided he liked me, so he began to follow me home.

On days when I could manage it, I’d leave sewing class early and run home as fast as I could. The minute I got home I ran to my bedroom, breathless but safe. I always tried to study before I had to help Mama with dinner. One day I had only been there a few minutes when Annette bolted into our bedroom. She was laughing so hard she could barely stand up.

“Annette, shut up, this is not funny!” I said. “I had to nearly run myself into the ground to escape him.”

Annette was rolling around on the floor in laughter. “Yes, it
is
funny. The look on his face when he got outside and couldn’t find you was the funniest thing that I have ever seen in my life. He was in such a panic when he realized you were gone. He got on his bike and rode as fast as he could. We were dying with laughter.”

But this was serious. I said to my sister that I knew I couldn’t outrun him every day, and if our father found out that a boy was walking me home from school he’d yank me right out.

Only Annette could think this was so funny. She was slapping her hands on the floor of our bedroom, still laughing. Words were not getting through. I grabbed a pillow off my bed and threw it on her and yelled, “Annette, shut up! I am in terrible trouble. He could make it so I can’t go to school. I have fought so hard to get my high school diploma and now this dumb boy could destroy everything.”

For the next six weeks he kept trying to follow me home, and eventually someone reported to my father that we were walking home from school together.

My father called me in and said I was disobedient in the ways of God. I should be saving my affections for the man I’d be assigned to in marriage.

I pleaded with my father and tried to explain that I’d been trying to ditch him. Annette came to my rescue and insisted to my father that I was telling the truth. This saved me. My father believed her and told Brigham’s father to make him stop bothering me. I felt deeply relieved. Now I knew I was really going to graduate and, I hoped, continue on to college.

I knew my parents wouldn’t let me go directly to college. My goal was to start at the community college and then move on. I had been on the honor roll my senior year of high school and had made mostly straight A’s.

I was so excited about graduating by the time May arrived. This was the biggest achievement of my life. Since we were the first graduating class of Colorado City High School, nearly the entire community turned out. Our accomplishment was an accomplishment for everyone in the community. Once again, FLDS children were getting a high school education, after nearly a seven-year lapse.

We were told to arrive two hours early for picture taking and goodbyes. As the time drew near, we all lined up to march across the stage. Nothing happened. More time elapsed. Still nothing. I asked someone why. “We’re waiting for Audrey.”

After what felt like an interminable wait, the teachers decided that we would start the show without her. If Audrey missed her graduation, it was her own fault. Music started to play and we began marching, but then we were ordered to stop and come back.

I felt that I was never going to walk across that stage, never going to graduate. Then I noticed heads turning. Audrey, who had stayed home to finish her graduation dress, walked into the hall in one of the most elaborate dresses I had ever seen.

She looked like an FLDS version of Princess Diana. Her hair was coiffed and every strand sprayed into place. Her gown was a mass of soft, shining blue fabric with yards of expensive lace sewn into cascades of ruffles that floated over her tiny white high heels—instead of the boys’ blue sports shoes she usually wore. Her sleeves were puffy and her tightly fitted bodice was smothered in lace. She smiled like she was the belle of the ball, except that there was no ball.

“Carolyn Blackmore.” When my name was called, I walked across the stage to get my diploma. It had been worth the fight. Now my sights were set on college and medical school. I smiled, thinking that if I could make it through the nusses, I could make it through anything. Little did I know that in a year I would be forced to marry their father.

Marriage

A
fter graduation, I worked for a year as a teacher’s assistant while attending a weekly class at the community college. It was an exhausting schedule, but I wanted to establish the best academic record I could before I applied to school.

By the time I was eighteen, my secret dream was still to become a pediatrician. I didn’t know any woman in the FLDS who had done something so ambitious, but I was determined to try.

I knew the first step was getting into a four-year college that had a good pre-med program. I started by telling my father of my desire to go to college. I left the doctor part out.

He said he’d ask the prophet. Uncle Roy was a comparatively moderate man, and he felt it helped the community if a small percentage of us went on to college and then came back home.

At two o’clock one morning I was awakened from the dead of sleep. It was close to the end of the semester and I’d stayed up late studying. I couldn’t imagine why my mother was awakening me or why my father would want to speak with me at such an odd hour. Nothing like this had ever happened before.

Dad was waiting for me in my mother’s bedroom. My father acted as though everything was normal. “I had a chance to talk to Uncle Roy about you going to college and he told me you were a smart girl and could go to school to be a teacher.”

My heart sank. A teacher? I wanted to do pre-med.

But it got worse.

“Uncle Roy said that before you go to school, you should be married. He wants you to marry Merril Jessop.”

I was stunned. My future had just vanished. Even if I continued with my education, I’d have to do so while being pregnant and having babies.

I also knew that although Uncle Roy had given me permission to go to school, my husband could overrule him in this area because he would be the ultimate authority in my life.

Merril Jessop. I knew that name. I’d gone to school with his daughters—they were the nusses. I was now going to be one of their mothers. I knew enough about Merril Jessop to know I didn’t like the way he treated his family. He had the reputation within the community of being a jerk. I was eighteen. This was outrageous. Marrying a man who was fifty was like marrying my grandfather. I knew a few boys who worked for Merril on what we called “slave crews.” They thought he was an ass. He didn’t pay them and worked them like dogs.

I looked at my father in horror. “How does Merril feel about this marriage? How does he feel about marrying a child?”

“Oh, he’s done it before.”

My father went on to explain that when a directive like this comes down from the prophet of God, it’s very important not to waste time. He was stern. “It’s very critical that you accept what the prophet has given you. This is a tremendous blessing. You should not question it or allow the devil to interfere and get into your feelings on this issue.”

I could barely breathe.

My father continued, “I talked to Merril and arranged for you to marry him this Saturday.”

Saturday was two days away.

My life had been swiped out from under me.

What if I ran away? Where could I escape? I had seen what happened to my sister Linda after she fled—she was hunted down like an animal. There was no one I could turn to for help. I didn’t know anyone on the outside.

My father wouldn’t even let me go back to the bedroom I shared with Annette. My father said I had to sleep with my mother because we were going to take a trip to Bullfrog and meet Merril for breakfast. My parents didn’t plan to let me out of their sight until Saturday; they had clearly orchestrated this so I would not be able to escape my fate. They had been deeply humiliated by Linda’s bolt for freedom. By taking me out of town, I couldn’t tell my sister or anyone else about what had happened.

I told my father I was worried about finishing my classes and taking my final exams. My father said they were unimportant. Doing what the prophet ordered was all that mattered.

We left the house early the next morning and drove to Bullfrog. We traveled through Page, Arizona, on our way there. Merril owned the largest construction company in Page and spent much more time there than he did in Colorado City. Merril was an hour late to breakfast. We had already finished eating. Merril had a cup of coffee with us but spoke only to my father. Merril was only five foot seven, with dark curly hair, weathered and wrinkled skin, blue eyes, and yellow teeth. Merril made a few jokes and then got up to leave.

He knew then that he was marrying the wrong girl. As I later learned, after he asked the prophet for me by name, he went to see my father, who showed him my picture. That’s when he realized he’d asked for the wrong daughter. His intention had been to marry my sixteen-year-old sister Annette, who was the family beauty. She was tall and thin with blond hair that fell nearly to her knees. But when he talked to the prophet, Merril got our names mixed up.

Apparently, Merril had gone to the prophet after my father sued him for damages in a business deal. He told Uncle Roy he’d lose millions of dollars if the lawsuit went through. His pitch to Uncle Roy was that if he married one of my father’s daughters, he’d be family and the lawsuit would be dropped. He had seen Annette and knew how beautiful she was, but confused her name with mine. Uncle Roy, in turn, told my father that he’d had a revelation from God about this marriage. Once he said that, there was no turning back.

After Merril left the restaurant that morning, we went to Bullfrog. Mother and I went shopping for fabric for a wedding dress. In the FLDS culture, women make their wedding dresses well before their marriages, because sometimes a girl has only two hours’ notice before she’s married and the only way a woman can count on having a dress is by making it in advance. The dress is very modest; it’s white with long sleeves, a high neck, and a skirt that stops four inches above the ankles. There is no veil or other frills.

It was really important to my mother that I have a wedding dress. When we got home late that Friday night, she stayed up all night sewing. I called my teachers at the community college and said I couldn’t take my finals and didn’t know when I would be able to reschedule them. I was a conscientious student and my teachers, who knew something unexpected must have happened to me, asked no questions.

My father came into the room shortly after I finished making my calls and said Merril was coming to pick me up. He wanted to take me back to his house and introduce me to his family before we left for our wedding in Salt Lake City. The prophet was living in Salt Lake City and my parents didn’t want to postpone the marriage. I think they were worried that with more time, I’d find a way to get out of it or bolt as Linda had. I’m sure that’s why I was never allowed to be alone again after I was told about my marriage. My parents could not risk the humiliation they’d face if another daughter rebelled.

When Merril arrived at the house, my younger siblings answered the door and came running to get me. Merril didn’t acknowledge me. He walked past me and into the kitchen, where he said hello to everyone. When he left, it was clear that he expected me to follow him, and I did. His truck was parked outside. He didn’t even bother to open the door for me.

I got into the truck thinking we were definitely off to a bad start. Neither one of us said a word.

I had no experience with men. I had never really dated a boy. Relationships were taboo in our culture. In theory, we weren’t even allowed to socialize with boys, but there were ways around that, as we’d discovered in theology class. My father was the only man I had ever interacted with. I’d never actually met Merril Jessop. I knew who he was because he sometimes came to our house to talk business with my dad.

As his truck pulled away from our house, I felt like I was front and center in a horror movie that was being played out in front of me. Except that the horror was real, and there was no escape.

I wanted to say,
Merril, you don’t want to marry me, and I don’t want to marry you. Take me home.
But that wasn’t an option.

We were silent all the way to his house. Once we arrived, he called everyone together to meet their new mother. Faunita, Merril’s first wife, gave me a joyous hug. She said she was absolutely delighted that Merril was getting a new wife because the family really needed one. I didn’t know what she meant.

We walked into the living room, and people came from everywhere to give me a hug. I was hugged by at least forty people. I wasn’t used to being touched, and it made me very uncomfortable. Merril ordered his two other wives, Barbara and Ruth, to give me a hug. Ruth made the best of it, but Barbara treated me like the enemy. Battle lines were drawn. I was in hostile territory and it freaked me out.

In just twenty-four hours, I had gone from worrying about my finals to preparing for a marriage I didn’t want to a man I barely knew. When I got back home, Mom was still frantically working on my wedding dress. She needed me for a final fitting. I was so scared I felt like a zombie bride.

Within hours, Merril’s family arrived at my home. He brought his three wives with him and his favored daughters—the nusses. In high school, I’d thought I couldn’t get through the year with them; in marrying their father, I’d be stuck with them for eternity.

There had been intense competition among his daughters to get to go to the wedding. The losers had to stay home and babysit. He sent a few of the girls to help my mother finish my wedding dress because he didn’t want to wait any longer.

We traveled to Salt Lake City in a small caravan of cars on Saturday morning—less than forty-eight hours since my father had dragged me out of bed to announce my engagement. I rode in the backseat of my father’s van. At one stop, Merril got into our van and talked business with my dad for an hour or two. He never once acknowledged me.

It was only much later that I would learn that I was part of a business deal, a way for Merril to get back into my father’s good graces after my father filed a lawsuit against him. But at that time, my father truly believed that the prophet, Uncle Roy, had received a revelation from God that I was to become Merril’s wife. My father was so brainwashed that he couldn’t see the obvious, and I was years away from connecting those dots myself.

I was brainwashed, too. I knew I didn’t want Merril to hold my hand or touch me. I didn’t even want him to open the car door for me. But I had been conditioned enough to believe that this must be some test from God that Merril and I had to endure and pass.

I had been raised in the FLDS sect and at eighteen still believed that Uncle Roy was a prophet of God. For me to reject my marriage was to reject God’s will in my life. I didn’t understand the revelation about my marriage at all. But I’d internalized a lifetime of teaching that said God’s ways are not man’s ways and that there must be a purpose to this that would be revealed in time.

When we got to Salt Lake City, we checked into the Comfort Inn. My father had brought my mom and Rosie with him and reserved two rooms. When I realized there wasn’t a room for me, it hit me—I would be expected to sleep with Merril.

Up until this point, I had been too overwhelmed to consider the possibility of sex. The gravity keeping my world in place was gone. I was not only a virgin but someone who had never been touched in an intimate or romantic way. I had been kissed—once—by a boy, but we both got into trouble for it and were made to feel ashamed. The idea of sexual or physical contact with a man thirty-two years my senior was terrifying.

Both of my mothers helped get me ready for the marriage ceremony. Rosie was helping me comb through my long hair, which was ten inches below my waist. It had rarely been cut. My biological mother, Nurylon, was fitting me into the dress she had made. They were laughing nervously to relieve tension. Most girls in my situation agreed to the arranged marriage to protect their families from being disgraced. I felt like I was being prepared for a ritual sacrifice—the proverbial lamb dressed and trussed, readied for slaughter.

Both of my mothers had been involved in arranged marriages and had felt blessed to accept the prophet’s will. An arranged marriage was as natural to these women as the sunrise every morning. To me it felt sickening.

When I was ready I got into the van with my father. We were driving to the prophet’s home in Salt Lake City for the ceremony.

After we got to Uncle Roy’s, Merril went in to talk to him while my father, two mothers, and I waited in the van. My father was matter-of-fact when he spoke to me.

“Carolyn, Merril is a good man, and I want you to know that if you want him to love you and love your children, you should always put his feelings first and find yourself in perfect obedience to him.”

Children? I had yet to adjust to the idea of marriage or sex, and now he was talking to me about children?

The shock and horror of the past two days were numbing. It felt like I was being submerged in ice water and every time I came up for air I was pushed down again.
Take that, take this, and take that.
I was gasping for air.

The marriage ceremony was performed in the prophet’s office. I was told to stand next to Merril. He took my hand. It was the first time he had ever touched me. The prophet read our vows and we both agreed to a covenant marriage for all eternity.

I felt my life rushing away from me.

We sealed our marriage vows with a kiss. Uncle Roy instructed us in the importance of multiplying and replenishing the earth with children as a way of fulfilling our covenant with God. Everything felt serious, nothing felt safe.

At the end of the ceremony, Merril dropped my hand and walked out of the room without looking back. His family followed him. I didn’t know what to do, so I followed my parents into a large dining room where someone was having a birthday party celebration.

When Merril and his family arrived, the partygoers realized there had just been a wedding, and everyone began congratulating Merril. I sat quietly on the opposite side of the room. I was in a wedding dress at somebody else’s birthday party while my husband was being congratulated. I knew I didn’t belong to my family anymore. Merril’s family seemed like a foreign country I didn’t want to enter. I felt evicted from everything I had ever known.