Carolyn Jessop; Laura Palmer (12 page)

I had no response.

Merril began by saying, “Carolyn, I guess you are wondering why I sent for you. I’ve been thinking about that class you talked to me about last weekend. When I gave you permission to take it, I gave no thought to what you would do for a car. I’m embarrassed to say that my family doesn’t have a decent car, except the one I’m driving.”

I listened, barely breathing in anticipation of what might be coming next.

“It doesn’t make sense to buy a car for a two-week class. So, if you like, I’ll buy you a car now, and you can take the course and start college in the fall, or, if you are eager to get started, it’s all right for you to start this summer.”

I smiled, trying to contain my emotions. I was so excited! Few women in the FLDS at that time had their own cars, and even fewer were allowed to live independently of their families. But apparently Merril was willing to do that, too.

“I guess we’ll have to find you an apartment in Cedar. In considering the expense, I realized it is going to cost me nearly the same amount to send you to college as it would to send two of my daughters along with you. So I’ve decided to use this opportunity to give two of my daughters an education.”

We then went into town and bought two cars—one for me and one for Merril’s daughter Nancy, who worked at Page. I would have a week more at home before school started.

As Merril and Barbara were leaving on Monday morning, Barbara’s four small daughters asked him if they could sleep with me while they were gone. Millie, Barbara’s four-year-old, already did. Now her sisters wanted to, as well. The girls pleaded, and Merril relented. But I didn’t have enough space in my room for them, so Merril asked me to sleep in Barbara’s bed that week with her daughters. Seven days and counting. I agreed.

I was elated and sleeping better than I had since my marriage two months before. Relief had swept over me and my future did not feel as terrifying or claustrophobic.

A few days later, I was deep in sleep when someone shook me. “Carolyn, wake up. I have to talk to you.” I sat up in bed. I recognized Audrey’s voice but couldn’t see her because the room was pitch black. I flipped on a light by the bed. Audrey looked shaken. Her face seemed tense, her body, stiff.

“Audrey, what’s wrong?” I said in a whisper. “Has something happened?”

“Yes, something is terribly wrong. Oh, Carolyn, I have been assigned to marry someone. Father called me early today and told me.”

This was shocking news. “Who are they making you marry?”

Audrey looked at me with desperate eyes. “It’s someone I don’t really know and he’s younger than I. Maybe he’s a nice guy. But I’m in love with someone else. I’ve been trying and trying to get Father to take me to see the prophet so I could ask to marry the man I love.”

I didn’t know how to comfort Audrey. She was speaking forbidden words. It was not allowed in the FLDS for a young woman to get her heart set on marrying a man of her own choosing. Occasionally a young girl would tell the prophet that she felt she belonged to a certain man, but she would always also insist that what she wanted most was to do the Lord’s will, saying something like “I want to be by this man’s side in marriage if it is where I belong.”

Marriage in the FLDS was always a divine revelation. The prophet received the news and then told the lucky couple. Audrey’s love for a man she didn’t belong to was something that could get her into a lot of trouble and bring disgrace to Merril’s family.

A woman could only see the prophet with her husband or father. It was impossible for a woman to see him alone—even someone like Audrey, who was already twenty. Merril had agreed to take her to the prophet, but he never came home in time to make it happen and the meetings kept getting cancelled.

“I feel like my whole life is ending. If I could have had one opportunity to talk to the prophet I would feel different about what is happening,” she said. I could certainly relate—my world had collapsed when I was forced to marry Merril, even though I wasn’t in love with someone else. “I have to do this. There is no other option now.” Audrey paced around the room. “If I refuse this man there is no way I’d be allowed to marry the other man, anyway. I will only bring disgrace on Father’s family.”

Complicating matters was the fact that the man Audrey was in love with already had one wife. She could marry him only if the prophet assigned Audrey to him, which was unlikely since he now had plans for her to marry someone else. She would be seen as being in rebellion if she made her wishes known now.

Her husband-to-be came to the house a day or two later and took her on a hike. (He had Merril’s permission to do so.) His name was Merlin. When Audrey returned home she found me and we went into my bedroom, where she cried. “He was really nice to me, but every time I look at him, I see him as the man who is stealing my future happiness.” I listened but knew there was really nothing to say. The trap had closed on her, too. The once-radiant nuss princess now felt she was condemned to marry a nobody.

On Sunday, I left for college. Audrey was married during the week. Merril didn’t attend the civil marriage. Faunita was sick, so she missed her daughter’s wedding. Ruth went but told Audrey she had to accept the prophet’s will.

The next day was the religious wedding, when Audrey and Merlin were married by the prophet. All of her parents went except me. (Even though I was two years younger than Audrey I was considered one of her mothers.) When I saw the wedding photos, Merlin and Audrey both looked miserable.

At the reception, everyone from the community brought gifts and Audrey’s sisters sang songs. These big parties were great fun for everyone else, but not for the couple, especially the bride. Audrey had tried to cancel the reception because she didn’t think she could be around so many people celebrating her marriage. She was traumatized, humiliated, and in despair. But Merlin wanted to celebrate his marriage, and the reception went ahead as planned.

When I came home that weekend, Audrey told me everything when we went on our long bike ride. She didn’t think she could ever learn to love Merlin. As we pedaled toward the reservoir she said, “If I have to live my entire life with a man who I can never love, then why couldn’t I have at least married someone of importance, as you did? Why did I, the daughter of an important man, get stuck marrying a nobody?”

“Audrey,” I said, “I would have loved to have married a nobody who was my age or someone younger. I envy what you have. At least Merlin acts like he does love you. You can have a relationship with him if you decide to. I will never have a relationship with a man in my entire life and this will never change. Even if I wanted to, Barbara would never allow it. At least no one is trying to sabotage you and make you a bad person.”

Audrey couldn’t see that her marriage was more desirable than mine. Word got around the community that she was mistreating him because she was in love with someone else. The rumors didn’t seem to bother Audrey, but they brought disgrace to Merril’s family, which he could not abide. He let her know that she had to do whatever it took to stop the rumors.

Pregnancy seemed like the quick fix. Audrey told me that if she had a baby, it would stop the rumors. She told me that she thought if she had a baby with Merlin, she might learn to love him. She thought this even though she knew that once she had a child with Merlin she’d be trapped forever as his wife.

But a few weeks after the pregnancy push began, Merlin got a job with a construction company out of town. Audrey asked me if she could go to school with me in the fall.

School had given me a good focus. I’d finished my two-week class and was about to start the summer quarter. I told Audrey I thought it was a great idea. Her little sister Lenore was going to be living with me, but more as a spy. The idea of living with a friend seemed almost too good to be true.

Audrey told her husband that this was something she’d always wanted to do, and moved ahead without getting his consent. He wanted Audrey to be happy and didn’t give her a hard time.

Merril was another story. He had somehow learned that after her marriage Audrey had been writing letters to the man she really loved. He was outraged. Once he’d driven by the man’s house and saw Audrey standing next to her bike and talking to him. Merril told her God had chosen a good man for her and she needed to give up her idea of running away to college.

But Merlin saved her. He told Merril he had no objections to her going to school and thought a little space might help her. Merlin was basically a very decent guy who seemed to genuinely care about Audrey. Merril’s opposition dissolved, and Audrey made plans to start college with me in September.

I still had to survive the summer. Lenore was making my life difficult. She monitored everything I did and would report back to her father, hoping to score points with him.

We lived about five miles from school, and one of the things Lenore did to pick fights with me was to “forget” to pick me up even though we were sharing my car. The first few times it happened I was annoyed. Once I saw that it had become a pattern, I realized it was deliberate and abusive. I told Merril that Lenore was trying to hurt my grades. He said my accusations were unjust.

Merril and I had several more heated discussions about this over the phone. Conflict between Merril and me created glory for Lenore in the family. When we went home on weekends, Barbara would reward her by taking her shopping and treating Lenore like her best friend. Lenore now had status in the family. She’d gone from a nobody to someone special.

Lenore soon started bragging to her sisters about how she had been treating me at college. They envied the attention she was getting from Merril as a result. Merril seemed obsessed with the idea that I’d get in trouble at school and damage his reputation within the community.

After a few weeks I changed my strategy. Complaining about Lenore was backfiring. It gave Lenore attention she craved and gave Merril a reason to scold me and say I was a bad person. Instead, I put on a happy face, and when I spoke to Merril by phone I told him everything was fine, just fine.

Once I stopped complaining about her, neither Merril nor Barbara had reason to congratulate her. I acted as though she didn’t exist. I found some cousins who were also taking classes and they agreed to give me a ride home. I explained that Lenore and I had scheduling conflicts and they were happy to help out.

That night, Lenore told Merril I refused to ride home with her. When she finished speaking to him, she pranced into the room and told me to come to the phone. Merril demanded to know what was going on. I said I’d simply made other arrangements since Lenore had been unable to pick me up. This seemed easier, and I thought everyone would be happy.

Merril exploded. “You’re the only one that is happy about this! Embarrassing me like this is terrible. I want you to ride home with Lenore and nobody else.” I was perfectly acquiescent. I started having my cousins drop me off a few blocks from the apartment so Lenore would think that I had walked. I was too embarrassed to tell my cousins what was really going on. I would always wait at the arranged place and sometimes Lenore would come to pick me up. If she did not, I knew my cousins would come for me within forty-five minutes.

Merril called every night. I told him that everything was fine. This drove Lenore right up the wall. How could she be rewarded for abusing me if I didn’t complain?

Her grades slipped. I had cut her out of my life and found other friends. Lenore was isolated and very unhappy. One day I heard her call Barbara at Page. “Carolyn thinks she’s so much better than I am. She treats me like I am total scum and refuses to talk to me.” Listening to Lenore’s meltdown, I almost felt sorry for her. She was a pawn in Barbara and Merril’s game. They were using her to do their dirty work and betraying her in the process.

A few hours after her teary call with Barbara, Merril called and talked to Lenore for several hours. The next day, several of her sisters arrived to spend the rest of the week with us. This worked to my advantage because Lenore took a break from torturing me to enjoy her sisters.

But in the long run, nothing changed. Lenore complained to them that I was mistreating her and that she was all alone. Her grades were suffering because I was so mean. She was only going to school to assist Father. Poor Lenore.

Where she succeeded was in changing the dynamic at home. Merril’s other nine teenage daughters now aligned themselves against me. They were rude to me and demanded explanations from me for my actions. Their stance was that they knew their father and what he wanted. I reminded them that I was, in fact, one of their mothers and it was their job to answer to me, not the reverse. They didn’t care. What they wanted was the kind of preferential treatment that Lenore was not getting, and they also wanted Barbara’s approval.

Before I married Merril, they’d competed with Barbara for Merril’s attention. Now by turning the tables against me, they were Barbara’s allies, not her adversaries.

What confused them, though, was that when Merril came home for the weekends, he still wanted to spend time with me. Once I settled into classes at Cedar, he made it a point to get there on Mondays. He’d come when Lenore was at class so he could have sex with me and then take me to dinner. Lenore would return and realize we were gone.

Merril’s daughters soon saw that despite their abuse of me, I was still getting rewards from their father. So there was a shift in tactics. His daughters started reporting to Barbara. She would listen intensely, praise them, and see that they got special treatment or a favor.

There was little that I did that they could fault, and I refused to fight with them, so they began to make things up. They also rifled my bedroom at home and stole my sheet music and country and western tapes, turning them in to their father.

When Merril approached me with the evidence, I went through the roof. I think he was shocked at my anger. I told him that allowing his daughters to invade my privacy was going too far and he had to put a stop to it.

“It’s up to me to decide who can go through your things,” he replied. “If there is something inappropriate, it should be brought to my attention.”