Carolyn Jessop; Laura Palmer (11 page)

I was numb from shock and dizzy from the constant changes. There was no time to adjust to anything. I did not want be alone with Merril both day and night. Jackson was up much of the second night and I slept little. When I finally dozed off I slept right through the alarm. I didn’t get to Page until midafternoon, but that didn’t matter. Merril was running late. Barbara treated me like ice. I’m sure she hated that I was leaving with Merril.

We drove to Flagstaff, where we were to have dinner. But Merril got a migraine en route and could not continue to drive. We checked into a hotel and went to sleep. It was late the next morning before Merril felt well enough to travel. But it was too late. Uncle Roy and the others we were going to meet had already left for California. We went on to Phoenix, where Merril had some business. But late the next day we turned around and went back to Page and then home.

Merril and I didn’t talk much in the car. He seemed preoccupied with business. He was always jotting down notes and stopping to make calls. We didn’t know each other at all and he didn’t seem interested in getting to know me. The risk for him, I suppose, was that if he started to like me, he’d complicate his life with Barbara.

The tension in the household was always high on weekends, especially after I returned from the trip with Merril. Barbara was sulking and refused to come into the house. Merril spent a long time talking to her in her van. After a while he emerged and told me to put her four daughters and son Danny to bed. Merril said he would sleep with me after he took Barbara for a drive.

Barbara had a small nursery off her room with bunk beds for her four daughters. Danny, who was three, had a small bed of his own on the floor. It took me a while to get the children bathed and ready for bed. By that time, Merril and Barbara had returned and were in her bedroom. The girls had heard their mother come in, but it was Danny who ran into her room before I could stop him.

Minutes later, I heard Danny crying. “Mommy, why did you hit me? Why did you hit me, Mommy?” Barbara had been away from her children for an entire week and now, after just a few minutes, was slapping her son for missing her.

I felt guilty. Even though I had no say in the matter, I felt that if Merril hadn’t married me, maybe Barbara wouldn’t be slapping her son around. I hated the tension and conflict in Merril’s family. Every time he did something with me it seemed that the rest of the family paid a price.

I got into bed and felt sick at the thought that I might never have a relationship with a man other than Merril. There was nothing natural about an eighteen-year-old woman being married to a fifty-year-old man she knew little about and cared for even less. I didn’t know much about sexual intimacy beyond duty and baby making. Maybe it could be pleasurable; there had to be more than fear, dread, and panic. Thankfully, Merril never showed up that night and I just went to sleep.

The next morning I found Audrey and asked her if she could go on another bike ride with me. Half an hour later, we were on our way to the reservoir. It was so early the sun hadn’t even come up yet. We sat on a big rock that overlooked the water. Audrey was the only person in the family who had been friendly toward me. I felt she could tell me things that might help me survive.

Audrey was Faunita’s daughter. She said that after Barbara married Merril, he stopped sleeping with Faunita. Barbara made it clear to him that she would be the only wife with whom he had a sexual relationship.

Merril’s first two marriages were disasters, according to Audrey. His marriage to Faunita—his first—had been arranged by the prophet because at the time Merril, who was then in his twenties, was in love with someone else but she was not a member of the FLDS. Her parents were adamantly opposed to her marrying into a religious cult. But Merril persisted. He felt her parents would eventually relent if he kept dating her.

The prophet, Uncle Roy, told Merril this would never work and ordered him to marry Faunita. Merril balked. But several months later he was reprimanded by the prophet for being disobedient about his assigned marriage and told that God was not pleased with his actions.

Audrey said that Merril was forced into marrying her mother, which he did. But he refused to have sex with her. Somehow Uncle Roy learned the truth about their marriage and reprimanded Merril again. He ordered him to be a husband to Faunita and give up the idea of having the other woman. Merril realized he had lost his true love and blamed Faunita. This was the source of his deep aggression toward her.

After several terrible years with Faunita, Audrey said, Merril was forced to marry Ruth. He resisted this marriage as well, until he was reprimanded by the prophet and forced to wed. Ruth had never been emotionally stable. Audrey said she’d had two breakdowns before she even married Merril. She was exceedingly fragile, and Merril had zero interest in having a real relationship with her.

Barbara—who was Ruth’s half sister—entered the picture when Merril was thirty-eight and she was eighteen. Audrey said Barbara was hotheaded and thought Merril was a joke of a man. But after two unhappy marriages to women he had no interest in, Merril was ready for something else. Barbara and Merril both loved power and domination and didn’t care who got hurt in the process.

Faunita stood up for herself initially and refused to be bullied by Barbara. Barbara accused her of being rebellious and jealous. Barbara said if she really wanted to be in sync with her husband’s will, she would not object to his refusal to have sex with her.

I still couldn’t understand how Barbara could have so much power over Merril. Audrey said that Merril was captivated by her and fascinated by everything she did, even if it involved bullying his other wives and children. They had a perverse chemistry.

When Barbara came onto the scene, Merril’s house was in chaos. She took control and was skilled in manipulating him. In the early years of the marriage, when Merril took a trip with another wife Barbara would explode and get into a physical confrontation with the other wife who was left behind—or else she’d just disappear.

Audrey said that Barbara had her sights set on me. “She will make it so miserable for father and so hard on him every time he is around you that pretty soon he will cave in and she will be his only wife.” In my few short weeks in the family, I’d already observed that Barbara never let Merril out of her sight. She monitored his every move.

“He still sleeps with Ruth, but only enough to keep her pregnant,” Audrey said. “Ruth has his most beautiful children, which is why they still have sex.” Audrey also told me that another reason Merril tried to keep Ruth pregnant was that she was more stable during her pregnancies than she was at any other time. Then she paused before continuing. “But Barbara uses Ruth as her slave. She orders her around and violently scolds her for the smallest of errors.” Ruth was completely subservient to Barbara because she had been so beaten down by her abusive bullying. Barbara would often accuse Ruth of being jealous of her and of not being in harmony with Merril.

The sunrise stretched across the reservoir in colorful stripes. Listening to Audrey made me feel like I’d been sentenced to a hellish world where I might well spend the rest of my life. I couldn’t comprehend what was happening to me.

Audrey told me about a time when Faunita had stood up to Merril about Barbara’s bullying. Merril locked her in the upstairs of the house and locked everyone else downstairs. Audrey and the other children heard Faunita screaming as Merril beat her. The next morning, Faunita was covered with bruises. She told Audrey, “Your father did this to me. He beat me with a mop.” Audrey screamed, “I hate him! I hate him.” Faunita grabbed her and said, “Don’t you ever say that about your father. He is a good man.” There were many more times, Audrey said, when Merril beat her mother; some were so bad that Faunita couldn’t see or hear for three days.

In the FLDS culture, a man’s wife is his property and he can do whatever he wants to do to her. If a woman complains about violence or abuse, everyone turns on her. The assumption is that she’s disobedient. It’s always her fault. It’s a huge disgrace if your husband beats you. So women rarely speak about abuse because once they do, they’re considered rebellious.

Audrey said Merril had not become physically abusive to Faunita until after his marriage to Barbara. Barbara also encouraged Merril to attack his children. Audrey said Barbara had something she called her “beating board” and would lash out at her children when it pleased her. Nor did she have any apparent qualms about physically abusing Faunita’s and Ruth’s children. Merril never curbed her brutality.

It took Barbara eighteen months until Merril agreed to stop sleeping with Faunita, according to Audrey. Faunita was all of thirty-two. Barbara didn’t mind that Merril kept having relations with Ruth because she was her half sister and so their children were blood relatives. This carried a lot of weight in FLDS families because the majority always had an advantage. The majority could be your children and those of your half sister. Merril’s family was dominated by Steeds because Ruth and Barbara were both Steeds.

Audrey said every time her mother stood up to Merril, he became violent and beat her down, either physically or emotionally. Eventually Faunita became so defeated she started sleeping all day and watching television at night. It was the only way to escape Barbara’s domination. Her older children then took care of their younger siblings, some of whom were still in grade school.

Audrey told me that there were times when she’d find her mother unconscious from an overdose of medication. Audrey would run to her father screaming that her mother was dead, but he refused to even check on her. It was traumatic for Audrey.

Barbara’s tyranny had ruled the family for fourteen years. Everyone in the family feared her and no one dared stand up to her. Audrey said the family’s only hope was that their father would fall in love with another woman and that the new relationship would strip Barbara of her absolute power. I asked Audrey, “How could your father ever fall in love with a new wife if he’s never allowed even to be around her and if she’s forced to submit to Barbara’s abuse?”

Audrey was silent. She had no answer to that question. But she was sure of one thing: “You have to find a way to get Father to have feelings for you. If you don’t, then you will not survive any better than Ruth or my mother.”

I was touched by Audrey’s willingness to map out the family dynamics for me. At least I had one friend in the family.

But as we pedaled back home from the reservoir I knew I didn’t want Merril to fall in love with me. The last thing I wanted to do was be strapped down to a man nearly three times older than I was. In my heart of hearts, I just wanted to go to school. But I didn’t say this to Audrey. Despite everything she’d told me, I knew she worshipped her father.

I had to start school as soon as possible. I would see if there were classes I could take that summer at the university in Cedar. If I waited until fall, I might be forced into working full-time for Merril or Barbara, which would be a disaster. My only real hope was carving out some semblance of a career that would enable me to keep my life separate from Barbara and Merril’s.

When Audrey and I got back home, Merril was upstairs in his office drinking coffee. When he saw me he said, “Hello, Carolyn. I have been looking for you this morning. Where have you been?” Barbara, who was beside him, stiffened. I could tell by the look on her face that she couldn’t stand the idea that her husband was concerned about my whereabouts.

“Oh, Audrey and I went for a long bike ride and stopped off at the reservoir for a while.” Merril nodded.

I was determined to talk to him that weekend about school. Sunday night was my first opportunity. He came into my room and said he would be staying there that night. This was my moment. I told Merril there was a two-week course at Southern Utah University. I could stay at my uncle’s and everything would be safe and simple.

Merril was uncomfortable with the idea. He said he hadn’t had a chance to really get to know me and wasn’t sure I should go to school this soon. In fact, he said, he wasn’t sure I should go to college at all. My heart sank. He could see the disappointment in my face. I looked stricken when he said that there might be a better way for me to fit into his life than by going to college. The sex between us was as empty and meaningless as always.

But by the time Merril was ready to return to Page the next morning, the situation had completely reversed itself. I think that Barbara’s jealousy might have worked to my advantage. She wanted me out of the house. Suddenly Merril thought school was a fine idea. He gave me a check to sign up for classes.

When Merril came home the next weekend, he called several of his daughters into his office. I later learned that he told them he was afraid I might get into trouble if I went there on my own. Several daughters volunteered to go with me and report what I did back to him.

I learned this the next morning from Audrey. I was furious. “How dare he talk to his daughters about what I should or shouldn’t do! It’s none of their business.” Audrey agreed with me. “But I don’t think my sisters who volunteered to monitor you at school really want to be involved with tattling on you. They just want to get a chance to go to college. If they agree to keep tabs on you, this is a ticket to school for them.”

I hadn’t thought of that aspect. Audrey continued. “Carolyn, we all want to go to college, but there is just no way Father would ever allow any of his daughters to do it. But he would under these conditions. I heard he is thinking of buying you a car and talked about letting you register for the whole summer quarter.”

“Did he really say that?” I asked. I had only talked to Merril about the two-week course. I was so happy. But I hid my joy. I wasn’t sure how Audrey would interpret it, nor did I know how realistic this option really was. Audrey said it was her other sisters who’d encouraged Merril to let me go for more than just the two-week course because they were eager to go to college, too.

Late that afternoon, Merril came home and asked me to come into Barbara’s bedroom. I noticed a new picture on her wall of a sad puppy. They asked me to sit down on a stool beside the bed. Barbara caught me looking at the picture. “I purchased that picture the week you married Merril. When the two of you were gone on your trip I felt like the puppy does in that picture.”