Cartography for Beginners (4 page)

"Here's fine. I can handle it." He sighed and drank more wine. "I keep turning corners and expecting to see him."

"It'll take time." Leo placed two plates of pasta salad on the table. "What do you want on the bread? Just butter?"

"Yeah." Jack slumped in the chair and picked up his fork, and watched as Leo put the butter dish and cutting board on the table as well. "Would you mind doing a toast?"

"Sure." Leo raised his glass and thought for a moment. "To Malcolm. Longtime friend, beloved partner... we'll miss you, man."

"To Malcolm," Jack echoed and drank a mouthful, and then put down his glass and covered his eyes with his hand. Leo watched him a moment, then put down his glass and wrapped an arm around Jack's shoulders. Jack made a muffled sound and turned into Leo's embrace, his breath shuddering as he struggled to keep control. "I miss him."

"I know."

"He was only sixty-one."

"I know."

"We could have had another twenty years together. Longer."

"I know." He kissed the top of Jack's head. "I know."

Jack rested in his arms for a few moments more, and then moved back into his chair and said quietly, "Thanks. I'm okay." Leo nodded and picked up his own wineglass for a drink, and Jack said, "This smells delicious."

"It's just Italian dressing."

"It still smells good." They both ate a few bites, and then Jack said, "The theater department wants to do a memorial for him."

"As well they should. He's been the backbone of that department for years." The phone rang and Leo looked at it as Jack ignored it. "Are you going to get that?"

"Let the machine get it. I'm talked out. I'll call people back later." He ate a bite of salad as the answering machine clicked on. A young and nervous-sounding girl babbled she was so incredibly sorry, she'd loved Professor Hughes, and she and everybody in the class wanted to do anything they could to help.

Jack was resting his forehead on his hand again before the machine clicked off. Leo said, "Maybe you should put the phone in another room for a while. Or one of the closets."

"I'll have to deal with it eventually." Jack drank some wine. "It's going to be like this for the next month or so, isn't it? People telling me how sorry they are, asking if there's anything I need." He muttered, "As if they can help."

"At least they want to," Leo said.

"And then people will tell me stories about him. God, that's going to be worse, isn't it? The stories. As if I don't miss him enough already."

"Jack," Leo said. "It's celebrating a life. You have to let people do that, so they can let him go."

"I don't want to let him go!" Jack stood abruptly from the table, knocking over his chair. "This is all bullshit, Leo. Bullshit. He was fine last night and now I have to-- he was the love of my life, Leo!"

"Shh," Leo soothed him. He stood too and put his arms around Jack, to pat his back and kiss his cheek. "It's okay to miss him. It's okay to be angry."

Jack held himself stiffly, then relented and put his arms around Leo, burying his face in Leo's neck. "Don't you ever get tired of it?" he whispered. "Don't you ever get tired of being strong for people?"

Leo almost laughed. "You have no idea. But if I didn't, who would be?" He kissed Jack's cheek again. "Sit. Finish you supper. Let me handle things for a bit, okay? You don't have to deal with this. Let me help you."

Jack slowly nodded and pulled out of Leo's arms. "Sorry. It's all still so much to take in."

"I know. Sit down." He guided Jack to his chair, standing beside him as Jack sat and began eating again. He stroked Jack's hair a few times, and then carried the phone down the hall as far as the cord would reach.

***

Leo stayed with Jack until past midnight, not leaving until he was certain Jack would get some sleep. He let himself into his apartment and nearly called out, "Adam, you won't believe this," and then remembered.

He flopped down on the sofa and put his hand over his eyes, and then looked up when he heard a key in the lock. "Oh, hey," Dune said when he opened the door, and he shut and locked it behind him. "I thought you'd still be gettin' your groove on."

"I have never in my life gotten my groove on," Leo said.

"I have lasagna with meatballs for you from the new Italian place. Are you hungry or should I put it in the fridge?"

"Fridge, please. I'm not hungry."

"Okay," Dune said and went into the kitchen. When he came back he moved Leo's feet out of the way so he could sit on the sofa with him. "So where were you all day? I hope you met somebody cute on the way home."

"No." Leo sighed and slowly sat up. "I have some bad news, I'm afraid. Malcolm Hughes died earlier today."

Dune's mouth fell open a moment. "Dad. Are you serious?"

"Yes. It was a stroke. I've been with Jack all day, helping him with the funeral arrangements."

"Wow." Dune sat back, looking like he'd been knocked sideways. "He looked fine last night."

"I know. And then this morning he had a stroke." Leo leaned his chin on his hand. "You want to know the scary thing? He was only ten years older than I am."

Dune frowned and started stroking Leo's knee. "Don't say stuff like that."

"It's the truth, kid. You need to prepare yourself for when I'm no longer around."

"Stop that," Dune said, pointing at him. "Stop that right now. It's bad enough with Mom and Ocean moving to the other side of the country. I don't need you talking about dying because you're feeling down."

"Sorry, Dunie," Leo said quietly, and put his arm around Dune's shoulders when Dune leaned against him. "I'm feeling my mortality a lot lately."

"You can't die," Dune said. "What would I do without my Daddy?"

Leo smiled against Dune's dark curls. "You'll have your Micah. You'll be fine."

"Yeah," Dune said. "I suppose so. Still won't like it." He lifted his head from Leo's shoulder. "Should I call him to come down?"

"Yes, please," Leo said. "He's always good company."

"Okay." Dune took his cell phone from his pocket and dialed, and said after a moment, "Hey, sweetheart, it's me. Come down to Dad's -- I'm going to be here for a bit." He listened, his head tilted to the side. "His friend Malcolm died this morning so he's been planning a funeral." He listened for a moment more. "Okay. Love you too." He hung up. "He's on his way."

"All right. I think I want some lasagna after all." Leo started to rise from the couch but Dune patted his leg.

"Stay. I'll get it." He went back into the kitchen.

It was only a few minutes when Micah knocked on the door and then let himself in. "Hi, Leo," he said in a tender tone and sat on his knee, putting his arms around Leo's neck. "I brought you Pocky."

"Hi, Micah." Leo leaned his head against the boy's slim shoulder and closed his eyes. "What is Pocky?"

"It's like little shortbread cookie sticks, dipped in chocolate. They're big in Japan." He put the red box in Leo's hand. "Dunie said you used to do Shakespeare with Malcolm. You acted in his theater troupe."

"A long time ago, when Dune was little."

Dune came back from the kitchen. "I remember playing in the theater. Malcolm's wife used to let me play with the props and the costumes while you guys were rehearsing."

"Malcolm was married?" Micah said, surprised, and Leo sighed, occupying himself with opening the box of Pocky.

"He was. They had a few kids, too, about Dune's age. And then Malcolm met Jack and realized he wasn't straight after all."

"Who did you play?" Micah asked. "I bet you were Romeo or Julius Caesar."

"Oh, no," Leo said with a quiet laugh. "I was Benvolio or Hotspur, at best. I said, 'As you wish, my lord,' a lot."

"You played Caliban once," said Dune. "I remember seeing that."

"My biggest part," Leo said.

"And then you stopped acting," Dune said.

"Yep." Leo nodded slowly and ate a stick of Pocky. Micah brought him strange food sometimes but this was delicious, not overly sweet or heavy. "That was when your mothers moved to Berkeley, and I realized if I was going to help raise you the way we planned I'd have to let a few things go."

"So you gave up acting," Dune said.

"Radio was a much steadier paycheck."

Micah said, taking the box from Leo, "I'm still impressed, Leo. I don't know anybody else who's acted outside of school plays." He crunched on a Pocky stick.

"If you come to the funeral, you'll meet lots. There'll be Malcolm's students and the company at the theater, and at least one guy who's in movies now who got his start in Malcolm's classes."

"Very impressive," Micah said and handed the box to Dune. Dune took a stick and then leaned over to give Micah a quick kiss. Leo looked away.

"I wonder what will happen with the theater now," he said, feeling even lower than before.

"Jack will look after it, won't he?" said Dune.

"If Malcolm left the theater to him, I suppose so." Jack would take good care of the theater, too. He'd been as devoted to it as Malcolm for years. They'd had a professional relationship long before they'd fallen in love. "If not, I suppose Emily will sell it. I doubt she'll want to keep it going. And we'll have to find a new place for concerts."

"Not if you have a contract," Dune pointed out, and got up when the timer went off in the kitchen. "That's your lasagna. What do you want to drink with it?"

"There's some Coke in the fridge," Leo said.

"Micah, do you want any?"

"Just a drink, please. I'm still stuffed from before." He leaned his head on Leo's shoulder. "Don't be sad, Leo."

"I can't help it. He's one of my oldest friends. I've known him since I was in college. No Malcolm anymore... it's going to take some getting used to."

"But you'll be okay. New people come into your life all the time. Look at me. It wasn't long ago that you and I didn't even know each other and now here we are, eating lasagna at two in the morning." Micah grinned at Dune as he brought Leo his plate. "Thank you, Dunie."

"You're welcome," Dune said. He went to the kitchen for their drinks, coming back with three of the small bottles of Coke that Leo kept in his fridge. Micah moved off Leo's knee to sit on the floor as Leo ate, and Dune lay down on the floor beside him and rested his head on Micah's thigh.

Leo watched them, feeling even more melancholy. "I'm old," he said quietly.

"Dad," Dune said.

"Think about it. I'm at the age when my friends are dying. I thought after that first wave in the Eighties it'd get easier, but it didn't. It never has. My friends are dying and your friends are the ones getting married and having babies and starting their lives. Even you guys are going to make me a grandfather before much longer."

Dune and Micah looked at each other, and Micah brushed back a dark curl from Dune's eyes. Dune said, "We're not going to rush it."

Micah held up his hand and mouthed,
Five years
, to Leo and nodded confidentially.

"Even not rushing it," Leo said, "you're going to do it eventually."

"Is this a midlife crisis? I'm all for you finding a hot young boyfriend, but I draw the line at you buying a Porsche."

"I think it'll be easier to buy the Porsche." Leo sipped his Coke.

The boys looked at each other again, and Micah said, "You should go to London with Ben and Jamie."

"How will my being in London make things any different?"

"You'll be in a different city with different people. And London's great," Micah said earnestly. "You know I loved it there. I think you'd love it too."

"Again, how will my being in London be different from being here?" Leo scowled.

"There will be handsome English boys for you to date," Micah said.

"I'm too old for a handsome English boy." Leo scowled deeper.

"Stop it," said Dune, pushing himself up to sit cross-legged on the floor. "Adam is older than you and he's dating somebody my age. Why are you letting this defeat you?"

"Because I don't want anybody new," Leo said and Dune glared at him.

"Then you're going to be alone, Dad. You deserve so much better."

Leo flopped back on the couch and ran his hand through his hair. "Stop it. Please stop it. I'm tired of this. And I'm still your father. Try to treat me like it sometimes."

Dune said quietly, "I worry about you and I love you and I want you happy."

Micah slowly rubbed Dune's knee. "Maybe we should go. Let Leo get some sleep."

Dune put his hand over Micah's and clasped his fingers, but didn't look away from Leo. "Dad."

"Go," Leo said. "Micah's right. It's been a long day. I am cranky and tired. Thank you for the lasagna."

Dune got to his feet and leaned over to kiss Leo's forehead. "Good night, Daddy-Daddy," he said softly, and stood back as Micah bent over Leo to hug him.

"Good night," Micah said and kissed his cheek, and the boys let themselves out.

Leo ate the last of the lasagna and drank his Coke, put his dish in the washer and the bottle in the recycle bin. This was the worst time of the night, when he missed Adam the most, felt his absence most strongly. There were too many years of memories in this apartment.

"Shit," he muttered and rubbed his hand over his eyes -- and then looked up with a smile when the phone rang.

"Stuart," he said when he answered it.

"Leo," Stuart said. "Did I wake you?"

"No," Leo said. "I was awake. What time is it there?"

"It's a little after ten. I'd be in church if I were the church-going sort. But as it is, I am eating a late breakfast in the back garden and enjoying an astonishingly beautiful morning. The fog has burned off and the sun is up, and it's warm enough for people to swim in the Thames."

"I didn't know you could swim in the Thames."

"You can. You can from my house, in fact -- you climb down some steps from the garden and you're in the river."

"That sounds nice," Leo said quietly.

"It's very nice. Are you all right?"

Leo hesitated a moment. "No. My friend Malcolm died today."

"Oh, my God -- Leo, I'm so sorry. Why didn't you say? You let me babble on about the weather."