Casting Down Imaginations (28 page)

She started to cry again.

“Oh no.”

She forced herself to stop crying and then wiped her eyes.
“Whatever you do, Karen, you make sure you marry the right one.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“That Terrance is a good kid,” she told me. “And he loves you
very much. If it weren’t for him I don’t know where this family would be right
now. He took you in when you didn’t have a place to stay… And now he’s paying
my bills. And my husband is downstairs sleeping on the couch… Because he
doesn’t know when to stop… All he had to do was stop…”

Moved with compassion, I pulled her over to me and put her
head on my lap, just as I had often done with Kevin when he cried. She held on
to me tightly and cried,
overcome with emotion. She was falling apart right in front of me.

“You gotta be strong, Mama,” I instructed as I stroked her
hair. “For Kevin. He needs you.”

“I know,” she whispered. “And that’s why I gotta leave.”

My chest pounded. “What? Mama, that’s not what I meant.”

“I know. But that’s what I gotta do. I can’t keep putting my
baby through this. Not knowing how he’s gonna eat… Not knowing if his Daddy’s
coming home. All this is starting to affect him at school. His teacher says he
doesn’t play at recess, and he sits alone in class. He’s becoming so withdrawn,
and that’s not like my baby at all.”

All I could do was shake my head. I hated to imagine my baby
brother going through so much pain. I knew it was bad before I left, and I
hated to leave him. If I had the money I would take him to Daytown with me and
enroll him in a school there. He wouldn’t be with his parents anymore, but at
least he would have a peaceful place to sleep at night.

“I know what I gotta do,” she whispered to me. “Tomorrow
morning I’m going to go to the grocery store and buy some food for this family.
Then after that, I’m going by myself to open a checking account in another
bank, and I can’t tell your father about it. Then I’m going to write a check to
pay the light bill before the city turns them off.”

She lifted her eyes up at me. I looked away, not wanting to
accept her dilemma. I couldn’t help but to think that if Jeremiah were alive and
his father were behaving the same way that mine was, that I probably would do
the same thing.

“Look at me,” she said, sitting up. “I’m supposed to be your
Mama and here I am acting like a big ol’ baby.”

“You’re fine,” I voiced soothingly.

“No, no, no. I gotta get myself together right now. I can’t
be acting like this.”

I gave her another hug. “I love you, Mama.”

“I know, baby. I love you, too.”

We sat in quietness for a few minutes before she spoke again.

“How are things with you and Terrance?”

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Oh, don’t give me that. You know.”

I pouted. “It’s good, I guess. But he’s been pressuring me to
be his girlfriend.”

“You aren’t having sex with him, are you?”

I was insulted. “Mama!”

“Girl, I’m being real. That is a nice looking young man you
living with, and I know you think he’s fine. Don’t you?”

I was too ashamed to answer.

“You don’t have to tell me. I already know.”

I laughed. “What do you think you know?”

“I know you got hormones just like every other young person
in the world, and I know that boy be working out with that basketball team and
he got muscles. Come on, girl. You can’t fool me. But I ain’t gon’ get in your
business. You grown now, and what you do is your business.”

“Thank you.”

“Just be careful. Don’t get yourself in any more situations
before your time.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Now, I believe Terrance is a good catch. You already know
how I feel about him. He’s a good man and he’s good to you, and he has a good
future lined up for him. All he gotta do is keep on doing what he’s doing. And
you’re a smart girl. But don’t be so holy that you let that good thing slip
away from you. You’ll end up like me. Broke.”

She was confusing me. “Are you asking me to sleep with him?”

“What? Girl, no. Don’t be silly. But you don’t have to be so
cookie cutter sharp. I know you have your beliefs, but don’t force your beliefs
on him. You’ll mess around and push him away.”

“Mama, I don’t want to talk about Terrance anymore,” I
stopped her. The conversation was going in too many directions, and it was
starting to freak me out.

“Okay. Fine. But listen to me. No man is perfect. Shoot, look
at your Daddy down there sleeping on the couch. I know you’re waiting for God
to send you somebody, but don’t overlook what’s right there in your face. I
know Terrance may have his flaws, but never take for granted a man that loves
you.”

“Yes ma’am.”

She sighed. “Go on ahead and get out of here. It’s getting
late, and we gotta get up in the morning.”

“Okay,” I said, then slithered off the bed and walked over to
the door.

“Goodnight,” Mama told me.

I turned, a thought coming to mind. “Daddy’s not coming up,
right?”

“Nope,” she answered. “He’ll be down there on that couch
until he wakes up in the morning to go to work.”

“Is he comfortable down there?”

“Do you see concern on my face?” she asked. “I ain’t
comfortable with these damn bill people calling my house twenty four seven,
threatening to cut my utilities off. And I sho’ ain’t comfortable with me and
my baby going to bed hungry ‘cause he don’ stole the grocery money. If I ain’t
comfortable, he ain’t gon’ be comfortable, either.”

I cleared my throat to hide my surprise at her tone. She was
pissed.

“Remember how I used to sleep in the bed with you and Daddy
when I was little?”

She smiled. “Yeah, wit’ yo’ big ol’ butt. Always talkin’
‘bout you were scared of the dark.”

“I have a confession to make.”

“What?”

I grinned. “I wasn’t really afraid. I just wanted to be with
you.”

“We knew,” Mama smirked.

I was almost afraid to ask, but I figured that it was worth
the shot.

“Mommy,” I cooed in the best innocent little girl voice that
I could. “Can I sleep wit’ you?”

She laughed out loud. “Girl… Come on up here.”

I scurried back to the bed and stuffed myself under the thick
coverings of the bed.

“Now, stay on your side,” she told me. “Don’t be kicking me
in my back, sleeping bad like you used to do.”

“Okay.”

After she gave me an extra pillow from her side of the bed,
she leaned over and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

“Things used to be sweet between us, didn’t they?”

I nodded.

“I’m sorry. You know, about all that’s happened. And all the
times I mistreated you. I want you to know that I really do love you.”

“Mama, you already apologized. You don’t have to anymore.”

“No, Karen. Just listen, okay. I’m your Mama, and for the
past few years I been letting my own circumstances get in the way of that.”

“It’s okay. Things happen sometimes. Let’s just look to the
future now, and start things on a fresh note.”

“I like that idea. But I gotta be honest. My faith has been
wavering lately. Me and your Daddy go to church every Sunday, just like we
always have for years. But it feels like I’m almost dead inside. Me getting mad
at him almost every day like I do is the only reason why I feel alive
sometimes, you know? It’s really sad.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Mama.”

She paused. “Baby, can you pray for me?”

I flinched. “You really want me to?”

She nodded. “You have this great relationship with God, and I
know you pray all the time. I been lacking in that area lately and I don’t feel
strong enough to pray on my own. Can you say a small prayer for me?”

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that lately my
communication with God had been on a decline also. So I simply nodded and took
both of her hands in mine.

“Dear Jesus,” I began to pray. “Lord, we come to you now…”

thirty seven

Anaya

“I can’t believe I’m about to this,” I whispered to myself as
I stood behind the curtain on the stage at Club Prestige. I was shaking. I felt
like I had to pee and throw up at the same time.

“You alright?” Derrick, my security, asked me.

I nodded just to shut him up. Jeff came behind the curtain
shortly after, mumbling under his breath about how hard it was to find good
help these days. The DJ hadn’t showed up yet, and no one else there knew how to
work the sound system but him.

“I’m ‘bout to introduce you,” he said, not even looking at
me. “What’s your name?”

I grunted, distain drenching my voice. “You
know
my
name.”

“No, your stage name. You gotta have a stage name.”

I shrugged. “I don’t know. You didn’t give me one.”

“You’re supposed to come up with your own,” he said, annoyed.

“Hurry. Your set’s about to come up.”

“I can’t think of one.”

“Well you better hurry before I go out there and give them
your real name.”

“Don’t do that, Jeff,” Skye, who’s real name was Amber, said
quickly. “You’ll have every pervert out there trying to find out where she
lives.”

“Well y’all better think of something,” Jeff said, very
short-tempered.

“I ain’t got time for this.”

Skye and I stood there thinking while Derrick suggested names
that we repeatedly turned down.

“Karma,” I told him.

Everyone exchanged puzzled looks.

“Because everything you do is gonna come back to you,” I told
Jeff.

He rolled his eyes and left for the DJ booth.

Derrick and Skye looked at me like I was crazy.

“Do you know who that is?” he asked me.

I nodded, caring.

“You cocky,” Amber told me. “You better watch it. You don’t
want to cross Jeff. He’s crazy.”

“I don’t care about Jeff,” I said through tight lips. “I’m
just here to get my money.”

She gave me a doubtful smile and put her drink in my hand.
“Here youngin’. You gon’ need this.”

I quickly swallowed the gin in the cup and gave it back to
her as Jeff introduced me. Derrick left for his post in front of the stage
while Amber moved aside and waited for me to finish.

I bowed my head as the curtains opened and the spotlights of
the stage landed on me. I was shaking inside, but the burn of the hard liquor
calmed me somehow. Men in the room howled at me, showing their appreciation for
the ensemble that barely covered anything on my body. I wanted to run off the
stage and keep running until I got all the way home, but I knew I couldn’t do
that. I needed the money. So I started dancing.

“Yeah, baby!” an old man yelled at me.

Money fluttered onto the stage. I started counting. Twenty.
Forty. Sixty. One twenty. One seventy… Two hundred.

I’d seen enough. The sight of all of that money being made in
less than thirty seconds brought out an alter ego. She knew I was broke and
needed to do what I had to do in order to pay my bills. And she didn’t care
about anything else but getting more money. I performed the way she wanted me
to. When the song was over I scooped up my earnings and quickly retreated
backstage.

“You’ve done this before!” Amber screeched at me with a big
grin on her face.

“I’m rich!” I laughed, shaking the money in her face. She
took the thin robe that she had on and draped it over my shoulders.

“I know,” she laughed. “Did you leave them some money to give
to me? This will be the last time I go on after you. I’m making sure of it.”

“Ha,” I laughed, organizing my rent money.

“Don’t get too cocky. You know Jeff got to get his cut, and
don’t even think about trying to sneak it out of here. They check everything
before you walk out the door.”

I shrugged. “As long as I can pay my rent.”

Skye laughed. “Wish me luck,” she said, and sauntered through
the curtain and onto the stage just as her name was called.

I made my way back to the locker room to change, counting the
money in my hand. I was well over seven hundred when I saw Jeff approaching me.
I kept walking, hoping that he would see that I didn’t want to talk to him.

“Anaya,” he stopped me. “I mean Karma.”

“What do you want?” I asked rudely.

He smiled at me. “You looked pretty good out there.”

“I know.”

“Real good,” he insisted, and put his hand on my arm.

I jerked away. “
Don’t
touch me.”

“Whoa, whoa. Why are you so testy? I was just trying to give
you a compliment.”

“You can keep it.”

He snickered. “Why you got such a bad attitude?”

“Why do you think, Jeff?”

He nodded. “Alright. I can respect that. But don’t be poppin’
off at the mouth with me. Without me you wouldn’t have that thick wad of cash
in your hands right now. Don’t forget who helped you when you needed it.”

I walked away to keep from slapping him.

“Don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you,” he said
and grabbed my arm.

“I told you not to touch me.”

“I can do whatever I want to you. You mine now.”

I pushed him away. “You bastard. Now get your hands off of me
before I claw your eyes out!”

He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me. “You must not
know who you talking to.”

“HEY!” a deep voice yelled.

We turned to find Derrick walking toward us. “Everything cool
here?” he asked.

“I’m just tryin’ to straighten out this lil’ ho right here,”
Jeff said. “She need to learn a lesson.”

I pulled away from him and picked up a few of the dollars
that had fell to the ground, then rushed off to the locker room. I was putting
my money in my locker when someone screamed.

“Girl, hush,” Derrick said. “You don’ showed the whole world
everything you got and now you wanna act modest?”

“You’re not supposed to be in here. Get out!” the girl yelled
at him.

He ignored her and joined me at my locker.

“What are you doing in here?” I asked him.

“I came to check on you. You okay?”

“What? You talkin’ ‘bout Jeff? Please. I been bothered by
better, okay.”

He took a seat on the bench in front of me. “What’s up with
you? Why you act like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like you ain’t scared of nothing.”

“’Cause I’m not. I’m just here to get some money until I find
something better. Jeff can go to hell drenched in gasoline.”

“You really should watch how you act with him. I know him.
He’s dangerous.”

“If he’s so dangerous then why you not afraid of him?”

He shook his head. “Just be careful, alright. He don’t
respect women.”

“Yeah. I kinda figured as much,” I said sarcastically.

“Next time I might not be there to distract him. So just be
careful from now on, okay?”

He seemed sincere enough. “Fine,” I told him. “But why do you
care so much?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I like the way
you look onstage.”

I rolled my eyes at him and told him to get out. He left with
a smile on his face, and for some reason, I had one on mine, too.