Casting Down Imaginations (30 page)

“His name was Reese,” I confessed, looking down at my lap.

“Okay. Now we getting somewhere,” Ayden said. “So what’s up
with this guy? What did he do? Did he steal from you? Did he cheat on you?”

I bit my lip as the waterworks came. “Yeah… Yeah, he did, actually.”

“Awh, come on, now. You a strong woman, I can tell. You can
get over that.”

I kept my head down as the tears rolled onto my nose and fell
into my lap.

“What else did he do, because that can’t be it?”

I didn’t want to say it, because if I did that would be like
admitting that it was actually true. But I felt like I needed to. All of my
feelings had been bottled up inside for months now, and I hadn’t even cried for
my own child since the day she died.

“He got me pregnant and made me have an abortion,” I said.

It became deathly quiet in the room. For the first time Ayden
realized that I was crying. He moved closer to me.

“Kim, you okay?”

I jumped up from the couch and gathered my things. “You know
what? I can’t do this.”

“No, Kim, wait. Talk to me.”

I laughed at myself for being so stupid and letting my guard
down. When was I going to learn not to trust men?

“I don’t even know you like that,” I told him.

“Wait. Where are you going?”

“Forget I said anything, okay? It’s late, and I shouldn’t even
be over here, and I was just—”

“I know you’re not leaving.”

“Just forget what I said. I didn’t say that, what you thought
I said. I didn’t say it. I was just talking, and I was blabbing, and it just
came out, and what I said didn’t make any sense and it doesn’t matter, so just
forget what I said and forget that you ever even met me. I didn’t—”

“Kim,” he called out, grabbing me. “Stop it, it’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is,” he consoled, and pulled me close to him.

“Let me go,” I demanded and jerked away. “It’s nothing,
really. I was just—”

“Don’t run out like this,” he begged me, and wrapped his arms
around me.

“Ayden, let me go! You don’t know me! Don’t you dare judge
me!”

“Nobody’s judging you.”

“You don’t know me!”

“That doesn’t mean that I don’t care,” he said, and pulled me
into him.

“I killed my baby!” I confessed and sobbed into him chest. “I
did. I killed my baby. I didn’t want to, but I was scared and I didn’t know
what to do,” I cried. “I killed my baby.”

“Ssshhh,” he soothed me. “It’s okay.”

“I killed my baby. He told me to do it,” I continued. “The
bastard didn’t even care.”

“Ssshhh,” he quieted me. He took my bag out of my hand and
put it on the floor, then led me over to the couch. “Just let go, Kim,” he told
me after we were seated. “Just cry and let it all out.”

I wanted to, but I couldn’t. Instead I did the only thing I
knew to do. I reached up and kissed him, full in the mouth.

He kissed me back, but then pulled away, taken aback by my
sudden change of pace.

“Whoa,” he stopped me. “Kim, what are you doing?”

I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, so to avoid the
scrutiny I kissed him again, harder this time to keep him from stopping me.

But it didn’t work. He pulled away again. “Kim, what are
you—”

“Sssshhh,” I said, and placed my finger over his lips. “I
want to.” I kissed him again, then unbuttoned his shirt.

“Wait, wait,” he stopped me. “Kim, what is all this? What are
you doing?”

Why was he stopping me? We both knew this was what he wanted,
and he was going to try to get it from me sooner or later. We may as well get
it on now while I was ready and willing.

“I’m trying to do you, if you will let me,” I snapped, and
kissed him again.

He stopped me. “Yeah, I know what you’re doing. I just don’t
know why. I mean, I thought we were just kickin’ it, you know. I didn’t even
know you liked me like that.”

I didn’t. But it didn’t matter, so I kissed him again.

He pulled away. “Stop. This ain’t you, Kim.”

I sat up, seeing that things weren’t going to go my way.
“What’s the problem? Don’t you want me?”

“No. I mean, yeah I want you,” he stammered. “I do. But not
like this.”

“Why not?’ I asked, irritated.

“Because… Kim, you’re a nice girl. I wanna take you places
and get to know you first. I wanna be sweet to you and romance you, then fall
in love with you, and then have sex with you.”

“And I’m telling you, you don’t have to go through all that.
I’m giving you what you want without all that. I thought you’d be happy.”

He shook his head. I stood up and began to undress in front
of him as he watched. I was down to my bra and underwear before he stopped me
again.

“Wait, Kim,” he said. “What’s up with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Why you actin’ like this? This ain’t you. You a good girl.
Why you tryin’ to be so tough?”

I swallowed, not wanting to accept his truth. “Who says I’m
trying? This is the real me, Ayden.”

He shook his head. “No it’s not. You better than this.”

I shook my head. “This is me, Ayden,” I said, and removed my
top. “Take me.”

He hesitated. “You sure?” he asked, only looking at my face.

I removed the rest of my clothing and kissed him again.

“Alright,” he said. “If this is what you really want.”

He picked me up in his arms and laid me on the floor, then
stood up and walked into the bathroom.

“What are you doing?” I asked, feeling foolish lying naked on
the carpet.

“Relax,” he said. “I’m just getting a condom.”

“Oh.”

He came back a few moments later and got a blanket from the
hall closet, then spread it out and told me to lay on it. After I was
comfortable, he turned the lights off and found his way back over to me.

“This is what you want, right Kim?”

I wrapped my legs around him as he got on top of me. “My
name’s not Kim,” I told him. “It’s Anaya.”

Before he had the chance to protest I kissed him as hard as I
could. And then we had sex.

forty

Anaya

I walked out of my apartment to go check my mailbox. On the
way I saw Ayden, who greeted me with a smile.

“So I guess your name really is Anaya,” he said.

I gave him a puzzled look. “Why you say it like that?”

“After the other night I wasn’t sure what your name was,” he
said.

I smiled at him. “So what makes you so sure now?”

“’Cause the post man jacked up the mail,” he said, waving a
few envelopes in his hand. “I got some of your stuff by mistake.”

I took the mail from him and retrieved the rest from my box.
“Thank you.”

“Whoa,” he stopped me before I walked away. “That’s all you
got to say to me?”

I frowned, not sure what it was exactly that he wanted me to
say.

“Thank you very much?”

He chuckled and shook his head at me. “You a handful, you
know that girl?”

“I guess I’ll take that as a compliment,” I said, and started
on my way again.

He followed me. “So you just gon’ act like nothing happened
between us the other night?”

I kept walking to my apartment. “Nothing happened. We had
sex. I got mine, you got yours, and both of us are better for it. End of
discussion.”

His face fell. “Is it like that?”

I felt bad, but I had to be real with him for my own peace of
mind.

He shook his head again. “Whatever,” he grunted, and walked
away angrily.

“What?” I asked after him.

“I don’t get you,” he snapped, turning towards me again. “Why
you act like that?”

“I’m not acting, Ayden. That’s what you refuse to believe.
This is who I am.”

“No, it’s not,” he said. “This ain’t you. The real you is
nice, somewhere on the inside. It’s like you trying to use me because you think
I’m trying to use you, and you wanna get me before I get you.”

“Look, I’m not in the mood for no back yard psychology,” I
warned.

“Fine,” he said. “Fine. Go on and do you, Kim, or Anaya, or
whatever the hell your name is. I’m done. But the next time you get played,
know you made it that way, ‘cause I’m a real man, and I ain’t never try to
disrespect you.”

He turned around and walked into his apartment. I went in
after him, and after a lengthy argument we made up and had sex again.

**********

I walked into the bank and went to the first available
teller.

“I’d like to make a deposit,” I told him.

“You look familiar,” he told me as he entered my account
information after I gave it to him. “You come in here a lot?”

“Nope. My first time in a while.”

He nodded. “Okay. How much are we depositing?”

I took the two envelopes stuffed with cash out of my purse
and put them on top of the counter. “$5,793.82.” It’s was two weeks worth of
work from the club, minus the money I spent to replace the bedroom set that was
repossessed earlier.

The teller’s eyebrows went up. “That’s quite a deposit.”

“Really? I’d think you’d see way more money than this working
here all day.”

“Well yeah, I do. But just not cash like this, especially
from someone so young.”

I smiled, trying to be polite. “I’d like to make my deposit,
please,” I said, letting him know ever so subtlety that I wanted to get down to
business.

He nodded respectfully and began to count the cash while I
filled out the deposit slip.

“You shorted yourself,” he told me. “You have $5,813.82. You
were off by twenty dollars.”

“Ooopps. Them twenties must have stuck together.”

“It happens,” he said, and flashed me a smile.

Just when I was about to think he was cute, he kept talking.

“I know who you are,” he said and the smile on his face
turned into a sneer. “You’re that girl,
Karma
.”

I flinched. His eyes narrowed, then went down to my chest. He
was looking right through my clothes and picturing me naked.

“Hell yeah,” he said. “I recognize those boobs.”

My mouth dropped open at the nerve of him. “Will you just
make the deposit, please?” I asked him hurriedly, and crossed my arms over my
chest.

He nodded and started to snicker. “Don’t hide, ‘em baby. I
don’ seen ‘em already, and my boy got pics of ‘em. I think he put them on his
website, too. The whole world don’ seen them thangs.” He pecked away on his
keyboard and began putting the money away. “Anaya. So that’s your real name.”

“What?” I asked, suddenly uncomfortable.

“Patterson. Anaya Patterson. My boy... I swear, man. He fell
in love with you. Literally. He actually fell in love with you. He says you’re
the greatest. I seen better myself, but, he likes you. He says he wants to meet
you, outside of work of course, and do some thangs to you.”

Is this a threat?

“Now I can give him your address. Anaya Patterson, 315 West Lane Avenue, Apartment 1—”

I slammed my hands down on the counter to shut him up. “Don’t
you dare,” I said slowly.

“Chill,” he said, his sneer gone. “Calm down before you get
escorted outta here.”

“Just make the deposit,” I told him. I was shaking and was
about to cry. He was a physco. Suddenly my new job was life threatening.

He finished putting the money away. “I won’t give your
address away if you hook me up with one of them parties your club be throwing.”

I didn’t know what he was talking about.

“What parties?”

“Don’t play stupid. You know what I’m talking about.”

I wiped at the corner of my eyes. “Just… Shut the hell up and
make the deposit.”

He finished doing whatever it was he was doing on the
computer, then gave me a slip that had my new account balance on it. I snatched
it from him and stalked away, nerved by him. On the way out of the bank I
turned to see him pointing at me and talking to another teller. I ran to the
car and peeled out the parking lot.