Catalyst (10 page)

Tinsley

SWAYING TO THE
smooth rhythm of Jasper’s guitar mixed with his hauntingly beautiful voice, I could get lost in this moment forever. He’s the face of Hidden Addiction and has such powerful words; it’s hard not to be swept away in them.

Maguire’s arms wrap low around my waist, and his hips sway in time with mine. He’s been overly sweet tonight—opening doors, whispering how much he adores me, and giving me soft kisses on my neck throughout the show.

Noah’s next to us completely entranced with the performance. Carson has yet to show up but really, I don’t think Noah has noticed. If I were Noah, I’d be pissed that my friend blew me off.

Having both Maguire and Noah here with me means more than they know. I feel as if I’ve been living two lives lately. Being able to mesh them together is a small step that will hopefully make things easier on all of us. I hate to divide my time, and I feel like I’m being stretched thin. I want everyone to get along.

The show is coming close to ending, and Maguire’s not making it easy to focus. He behaved for most of the songs, but now, it seems like he’s staking his claim. It’s a slow, morbidly romantic song playing right now; an old one that everyone in the crowd knows and is singing along to.

Nibbling on my ear, I feel him press his hardness against my ass, his hands dipping low so his thumbs sneak inside my jeans. I moan softly, praying the music is loud enough to disguise my pleasure.

“Seeing you let go tonight was beautiful. I’m having such a hard time being good, Tins,” he roughly whispers into my ear. His words make my core throb for him.

“Who said you have to be good?” I turn my head so I can see into his eyes, and when I do, all I see is need and lust. Fuck if it isn’t hot, thinking about what we could get away with in such a public place. I turn completely so my arms wrap around his neck and his erection presses against my belly.

He grabs my ass and pulls me closer, causing me to gasp in both surprise and pleasure.

I’m just about to take his hand and walk him to the bathroom when Noah taps on my shoulder and coughs loudly. Taking a step back, I look at one of my best friends. For a moment, I see hurt in his eyes, but it goes away within seconds, making me wonder what I really saw.

“I’m going to catch a cab back to the bar. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He smiles at both of us, but I know it’s not genuine and it’s like a bucket of cold water tossed over my head. I wasn’t even thinking about Noah.

I feel like the shittiest friend ever.

Maguire senses it too. He backs away and slides one arm around my waist, nothing too low, but still affectionate. We’re quiet for an entire song, me stewing over how to make it right with Noah, and him knowing it’s not safe to talk yet.

He drives me home later, and instead of him coming upstairs, I shake my head and head inside alone. Maguire hadn’t said but maybe five words since the incident and for that, I’m thankful. Too many thoughts are running through my head, and I need to be alone.

I keep seeing Noah’s eyes engrained in my brain. His look of hurt kills me. Watching him walk away was even worse.

Maguire is heading out of town to meet with some company in Dallas tomorrow. Noah and I had planned to get some Christmas shopping done, but at this point, I wasn’t sure if we still were.

After tossing and turning in bed for hours, I say fuck it and call Noah. On the fourth ring, he finally answers.

“Hello?” His groggy voice fills my room.

“Hey. What are you up to?” I ask, trying to ease into casual conversation.

“Tinsley? It's—” He pauses a second. “Jesus, it’s four am. Can’t this wait ‘til morning?” His voice is still sleepy, but he doesn’t sound too upset.

“I need you to know how sorry I am. It got out of hand, and I wasn’t thinking. I need to know we’re okay.” I let out and hold my breath for his response.

I hear him sigh.

“It was fucked up, Tinsley. I know you’re with him and all, but I don’t really need to see it. For the record, we’ll always be good. Just think about those around you next time, ‘kay?”

“Okay. I’ll see you in a few hours, Noah.” I say as I try not to read more into his words than I should.

“See you soon, sweet Tinsley,” he mutters softly and the call ends.

I finally get to sleep as the sun starts to rise, being able to relax knowing that Noah and I are still on good terms. Noah and Liam were always such good buddies that I never thought about a clash between him and a new boyfriend. I wonder what Maguire would do around Shannon but really wasn’t worried. She might throw out a good fight, but she has her priorities in line.

Hours later, I wake to Noah calling out my name from the living room and him shutting my front door. Rubbing my eyes, I pull out my phone and see a message from Maguire.

Maguire: I’ll miss you today. Let’s do dinner tomorrow night.

Texting him back, I let him know I'll miss him too and that dinner sounds great.

I head out to the living room and see Noah’s all too chipper face.

“If I had a pillow right now, I’d throw it at you,” I mumble as I head toward the kitchen to make some coffee.

“That’s not very nice. For the record, it’s nearly noon, so you can’t say I came over too early.” He leans back on the island as I grab the creamer out of the fridge.

Giving him a once-over, I look down at what I’m wearing, and I scoff at how ridiculous I look. He really is something to look at. His dark jeans hang low, his black and gray t-shirt shows off his lean waist each time he lifts his arms, and his sunglasses casually rest on top of his head.

Me, on the other hand—I’m in short shorts and a baggy shirt with my hair thrown into a messy ponytail, no doubt with a few stray pieces that didn’t get pulled up. I felt just about as bad as I looked.

“I’m sorry again about last night. That was a jackass thing for me to do. Thanks for not disowning me.” I give a small smile, but I can see all is forgiven by how relaxed Noah is. It gives me a huge amount of comfort that we don’t have ugly arguments. I couldn’t handle him being mad at me.

“I get it. He’s still new, and you two are in your honeymoon stage. Granted, I don’t like to be in close enough proximity for it to almost be considered a threesome. Besides, if I am going to have a threesome with you, I’d much rather it be with another chick than Maguire.”

The image runs through my head, and I quickly dismiss the thought. “At least now I know your fantasies. Give me ten minutes and I’ll be ready. You know to make yourself at home,” I holler as I walk back to my room. I can hear him plop down on the couch, most likely watching random videos on his phone or checking his newsfeed.

Settling for some skinny jeans, boots, and a black sweater I’ve had for years, I head to the bathroom to make myself presentable. With the holidays right around the corner, the cool air has definitely arrived, and I feel sexy when I’m in a good pair of boots.

Winter’s my favorite time of the year and Noah knows this. We’ve been going Christmas shopping every year together for as long as I’ve known him. We spend the entire day hopping from store to store, getting hyped up on coffee and cider, and end the day by driving through neighborhoods to look at the decorations.

It’s one of my favorite days of the year.

Noah blatantly stares when I come out to the living room, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel good. I can’t help but blush. Sometimes, you just need to feel beautiful, and today, I do.

“You know normal people go shopping casually throughout November and December. Why has this become our tradition again?” Noah asks as we head down to his car. He’s right, it is exhausting, but also worth it.

“Because it’s our day. Holidays are all about traditions, and I don’t have many anymore. So I’m not letting go of this one. Damn, it’s cold!” I shiver as he turns the car on and cranks up the heat. I’m only slightly offended that he is asking about why we have to do this today. It makes me wonder if he really enjoys this day every year or does it out of his love for me.

The thought of not having this day with him hurts.

We head up to the outlet mall first. We get his parents’ gifts and manage to find a beautiful scarf for Shannon. The next few stores are a bust, and I know he’s looking for something for his sister while I look for something meaningful for Maguire.

“I can’t believe the year is almost over,” Noah says as we grab a coffee on the way to the next store. “So much has changed.”

I think back over the past twelve months. I began the year feeling invincible and in love. To think about how I feel today, alone and brittle, is hard to swallow. Alone probably isn’t the right word, but I can’t help but think of Liam more during the holidays.

I’ll never see his beaming smile when we open each other’s presents on Christmas morning, or watch as he decorates the home with just the right amount of lights. We would never have the forever we promised each other. Our story was cut short.

The thought kills me inside.

Noah must notice the change in my mood, or maybe he realizes how bringing up the past might not be such a great idea with me. “You’ve grown stronger each day, Tinsley. What you’ve been through is something unimaginable, and while I have no idea the pain you’ve been through, you’ve overcome it and haven’t lost yourself. You know, there for the first few months, I was so scared that when we lost Liam, I had lost you as well. You were a shell of yourself and it scared the shit out of me. You have no idea how much you mean to me. And even though we spend way too much money and my feet hurt at the end of our massive shopping day, I wouldn’t change a thing about it.” He pulls me into his side as we head into a jewelry store.

I mainly browse, having no need to purchase anything in here. Ever since I was a little girl, looking at gorgeous engagement rings has always been my thing. There was something timeless about them and each one had so much personality. I’d often wonder what type of woman would wear each ring. The simple solitary diamond or the more extravagant princess cut with a rope of diamonds to finish it off. I imagined young mothers and elite socialites, all having the perfect ring for them. Something so personal yet routine.

Noah wanders back to me after assumedly picking up something for his sister. “Ready to go?” he asks with a bag in hand.

“Yeah, I think so.” I give the rings one last look before walking toward the exit.

“Still eyeing them, huh?” he nods toward the store as we walk out the door.

“Old habits die hard. Besides, isn’t that what girls my age do? Dream about their wedding day and all the glitz that goes with it.” I twirl around like a princess for added effect.

“You’re asking the wrong person, but I guess that’s a good cliché. What’s the next store on the list?”

I look around but don’t see anything screaming out at me. I shrug my shoulder. “I think I’m good. Well, unless—” I cut myself off because Noah isn’t the right friend to accompany me to the only store I can think of that would be a good gift for Maguire, the man who buys everything he wants and needs nothing.

“Unless what?”

“There’s one store I’d like to go to. I can go by myself. I don’t mind. Or I can go tomorrow.” I ramble on, and Noah’s smile broadens.

“What is it?” he questions.

“Nah, I’ll be fine.” I start walking toward the car when I feel his hand wrap around my wrist.

“Whatever it is that has you nervous, let’s go. Lead the way.” He pulls me slightly back and I’m powerless.

“Fine. But no judging, or gawking, or boners,” I demand.

Okay, so maybe the last part made him stop dead in his tracks and give me a questioning look.

“Mmmhmm. You’re the one who decided it was a good idea. You should probably start thinking about grannies or war or going to the dentist. You know, to help out when you see what you’re about to see,” I say to make light of the situation.

This is fun.

We walk down to the lingerie store, and I can only wonder what’s going through his mind right now. Noah and I have been around each other enough for this not to be awkward, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous. My body isn’t perfect, but I’m happy with it and am comfortable with my curves.

Hopefully, this isn’t going to be a disaster because Noah’s been awfully quiet the past few minutes.

Walking around slowly, I pick up a few lacy sets and a few more—risqué pieces. Noah stays by my side and says nothing. I catch him looking at a few of the other women in the store. It’s starting to feel like it’s his first time in one of these stores. Or maybe he’s been here with other girls. The thought is full of unwarranted distaste.

I wasn’t really expecting him to wait for me to try things on, but when he stays by my dressing room door, I decide to throw caution to the wind and let him see. We’ve been friends forever, and I would like a man’s opinion. Plus, it’s always fun to watch Noah squirm.

His deep voice fills the room when he speaks. “Do, ah—do you want me to hang around back here with you?” he asks, clearly not as comfortable as some men would be.

“Only if you want to. I’ll be out in just a sec,” I holler through the door as I slip on a barely-there pair of black panties and a matching, albeit semi-see-through, bra. Luckily, I wore a skimpy thong so it isn’t too distracting having them on underneath. The last thing I need is Noah asking why I’m wearing two pairs of panties.

Looking at myself in the mirror, I twist and turn my body, making sure it fits in all the right spots. My eyes immediately go to the imperfections of cellulite on my thighs and my slight pudge of a stomach. Maguire comes to mind, and I can’t help but feel sexy and desirable in this. My breasts are lifted and look fantastic, and really, I do feel beautiful. After taking a deep breath, I turn the knob and walk out toward Noah.

His expression is priceless. I’m pretty sure I heard him groan.

“Yeah?” I ask, doing a twirl for him and feeling exposed all of a sudden.

“Fuck yeah, Tinsley.” He continues to look me up and down, his eyes taking their time on my most sensitive areas.

“Is this something you’d find attractive on someone you were with? Be honest.” I bite my lip as I turn to one of the mirrors.